It all happened so fast... love or manipulation? (Long Read)

[SilverlinedCloud]

Hey LS, so as much as i am healing after my breakup i need a little bit more clarification and individual thought as to how im feeling and why it feels like some days i just cannot get over whats happened...

 

Ive probably just been on the most (and the first) whirlwind romance of my entire life, it only lasted 2 months but the hurt of how quick everything has happened and how much i feel compromised and a dunce.

 

I moved to a new state in February, i was pretty lonely, and isolated trying to get myself set up and being used to being away from my family for so long.

I met this guy.. he was so incredibly incredibly caring, attentive and our conversation was so healthy, he always wanted to know if i got home safe at night and if i had a good day, he showed genuine interest as did i, and when it came to it and we decided to meet, he showed me around town, we saw the sights id have not been able to see on my own, and for the first time since i moved i lived a little more. instead of seeing him out of convenience and thinking i was attracted to him because he was the only guy around that showed interest, i fell for him pretty quickly, its rare that anyone showed interest any more than a casual hookup would. We had our first kiss.. my heart melted and it was like sealing the deal. I had no reason to believe anything could ever be bad about him. he was PERFECT

 

The next 2 weeks worth of dates were a sweet disposition, we would go out to eat, laugh about fun stuff, debate about serious things, equally sharing in our thoughts and concerns without placing too much stress on the idea of dating.. we knew where we both wanted to be with each other. We are both the same star sign with an interest in constellations... we drove out to the canyon one night and in plain view in front of us was Gemini, he held me tightly around the waist and it was a moment that could of lasted forever. the gentleman

Alas, the sweetness doesnt remain consistent, i doubted my value a little and hoped he believed i could contribute as much as he had to what we were unofficially building, i was worried about it, so we spoke one night and i fell asleep mid conversation... things happen.. my mind was overworked!

 

The next morning i woke up to a bewilderment contradiction and text mesages of real devalue, he believed in his heart of hearts that i was ignoring him on purpose and he made it be known that maybe "he was indeed, to good for me". I couldnt understand how someone could have jumped to such a rash conclusion in one night with such quickness after 2 weeks of being in each others presence, but i was willing to overlook it especially after fighting with what i thought was my final bullet and all my energy to justify the night before and he showed how sorry he was and we continued albeit a tad slower,

not too slow...

because so began 2 months of arguments, insecurities, patronization, annoyance.

In my mind, this shouldnt be happening so fast, we were wayyy too serious about each other so quick, and i guess i was desperate to be loved as much as i knew i had to potential to love.

 

I can accept to a certain degree that guys arent as emotive as girls are, but it was a struggle to feel his love. Anything that i did or showed was always downplayed unless it was out of convenience for him and he could show it back. I really started to feel the devalue, energy draining but yet i would try harder every single time only to be met with another shutdown or disappointment- catering to his every whim, as and when he needed my emotional supply, deep down, i wasnt too happy.

 

When there are red flags n creases like this so early on in the process, the last thing youd really want to think about is going exclusive, he asked me, i was head over heels, and i said yes- and the turmoil didnt stop

 

We strangled each other:

"Who is xyz"

"why are you friends with your ex"

"why is this person on your facebook"

"why is xyz texting you at 1030pm"

 

Every disagreement became a strain and extension of the previous, which led to heated break up exactly a month after we made it exclusive. He was different- after wanting to be part of and know what was going on in my mind, he became Very aggressive in tone and manner, rude, ignorant of my feelings and dismissive of my concerns as merely being dramatic and irrelevant... but that didnt stop me from trying harder and very quickly i became ill over it, yet still very much in what i thought was love..

Ive never had to prove myself so much in my entire life only to be met with the words " I dont think i trust you" on such a regular basis in body language and verbal communication.. i thought it was all going right? what more can i do?!?!

I dont like arguments and confrontation so everytime we would get heated i would just walk away to cool off as you cant fight fire with fire. He denied me this way of coping, giving me the grand ultimatum that if i did that i was walking out of the relationship. I wasnt winning, i was merely compromising.

 

I only had eyes for him, i didnt and wouldnt consider anyone else- i didnt find anyone else attractive. I was expecting too much and getting little back.

 

Needless to say, we broke up.. i had reason to go back to my routine of continuing my job and priorities that i was neglecting in the process of being so caught up

 

I didnt expect to hear from him, after all, we were done, we accepted we needed space, he was all over my phone the next day, checking up on me which was sweet, me still being head over heels still was texting back in a heartbeat, it was all habitual.. but in the week or so that was passing he would disappear on me for a few then come back talking about the plans we made and how he was thinking of me and missing my advice etc.

 

He wanted to meet up.. i didnt give myself and what i needed one thought, i wanted to be there for him.. so we did.. worst case scenario .. we got back together.. THAT DIDNT SOLVE EVERYTHING.. i pryed and i found out he had slept with "5/6" different people.. i was heartbroken, all i thought about was him! I could have never!

 

The principle for me isnt so much the fact that he was sleeping around when we were broken up, its really not my business.. its the fact that he chose to remain in contact with me while all of this is going on, for me that was a really volatile mixed message, after all i thought in doing so and having such open wounds spouting love, we 1) had hope and

2) he was missing me truly! Because I know i was..

 

I still wanted him back, as uncomfortable as i was i needed to let go of what happened

 

I just couldnt.. and we continued to disagree anyway, which always ended in me being sorry and him refusing to have no remorse for his actions. In his mind, i was completely wrong, his actions were totally justified, and i bought it. totally. i feel like an idiot.

We broke up on my birthday, i couldnt get over the rebound thing, and i crushed (more so ego crushed) him. The spiteful texts of hate and regret came at me and i ignored for as long as i could, i finally received one of a different approach and responded, only to be met with all of the mess happening because i was responsible for our initial hiatus and problems... i thought there were 2 of us in this... so in the end it was my fault? Then came the fact i was given benefit of the doubt for my way of diffusing arguments- but my way didnt encompass introducing third parties into the relationship at a time which should have been spent reflecting on what went wrong.. not rebounding

Id have done anything for him. ANYTHING. I tried so hard, i really did. I was going to shut my family and friends out to show this man i wanted to build my existence around him.

 

FAST FORWARD - then ensued more drama and no contact, it got to a point where i could start to heal not seeing him and it wasnt too painful.. even though he was plainly ignoring the no contact rule and being selfish with regards to being out of sight and mind about a month later.. one night hed asked to come round to my house and i accepted, we hung out for an hour, we didnt speak of the relationship, we didnt speak of the breakup, in fact we had a great time and a great belly of laughs, JUST LIKE in the beginning no awkwardness, nothing, it became very apparent, working out as lovers would have been greater if we were friends first, after all this is what the dynamic of the instance was demonstrating.. but it was too late for that- there was damage, alot of it.. on both sides.

 

It broke my heart to have to give him the friendly hug and watch him ride away from me like nothing ever happened, a part of me is angry with agreeing to see him, maybe he really didnt care and just wanted to remain in my mind, selfishly impeding being able to grow without him. So i let him know i missed him so bad, and he made it clear he wanted little contact and to be friends, that broke my heart even more. He began to ignore me and go ghost, in doing so i was finding out he had gone back to hooking up with other people and going on dates etc

 

I had to accept now, i no longer and dont take the precedence in his life that hooking up and dating did... so i cut him off.. ALTOGETHER. He tried to make contact again, and ive held up the NC sign.. its been 3 weeks.. and he returned to being spiteful. Typical. I welcomed it. I allowed it. Longer than i needed to.

And now it hurts more than ever... he was terrible to me in the end without being violent, just emotionally manipulative, deceitful and dismissive of wrong doing, and i still miss it.. i miss HIM, i miss the person i initially met, where did he go?

 

I cant listen to certain songs without breaking down, i feel like i lost my first and only love. Like someone died. My life went back to being awesome admittedly, but i cant accept i have to do this without him, even though he contributed nothing besides companionship, its really weird!! I dont look at guys in the same way and i downplay any new dating or love interest. Not interested.

Im Really Sorry for this long read, LS, i just cant believe how it ended so fast and with so many problems so early on. Maybe he wasnt the one, how could i have known?

Please tell me this feeling will wear off, im doing all the right things to distract and deter, but the pain is still there.. just not as raw.

 

Thankyou for your time LS

 

I hope i can become a long standing and consistent contributor the more i move past this.

 

SLC

Edited July 17, 2013 by SilverlinedCloud
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[Philosoraptor]

First, it sounds like he was very insecure about things. You shouldn't have to constantly prove yourself to someone. Many things you describe are classic signs of a controlling person. You were made to take the blame regarding many things that were either on him, or shared between the both of you.

 

He seems really unstable and not mature enough for the commitment needed to sustain a long term relationship. It may hurt now, but you really avoided a lot of future pain by having it end sooner than later. Right now you need to take control, block all of his ways to contact you and don't allow yourself to be used. If he wants to be friends, he will have to wait until you have fully healed and have moved on with your own life.

[SilverlinedCloud]

Thankyou for this Philosraptor. Its so funny that you say that he was insecure, because he was the one that always seemed to be so sure of himself and everything about us, even going to the lengths of letting me know when i was irrational, and i began to believe it, so much so now im finding it hard NOT to blame myself for wanting to break up with him because i do felt i may have crushed him. Inside was a good person and a good heart, layered with pride, narcissism doubt and ideas about relationships i wanted to help him shift and overlook so we could be different.

 

I feel DUMB, everyone around me whom i explained my situation to told me, i deserved alot better, but i kept delving and delving and hurting even more.

I was so prepared to shut everyone out for and cater to only him, and little by little the equal relationship he spoke of that he wanted so much was merely a facade for getting me where i wanted me and me becoming a continuous apologetic mess. I honestly couldnt name many things he did to make me happy, besides just the person that he was.. there isnt a great list of things

 

I do agree he had some immature ways about him that began to show out the more time went on, and i guess that isnt the person that i miss, what i just dont understand is how can someone have so much impetus to change so quickly yet still purport to being in love with you?

The selfishness really came out when he decided to come round to see me, and when he refused to observe NC, i really had no space to heal but i was hanging on the the notion that people can change... even when they have disrespected and hurt you beyond what you would classically allow from anyone.

 

Right now im trying not to think too much about what it could have been, and how i could have done things any better if at all.

 

Edited July 18, 2013 by SilverlinedCloud
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