jenn78 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hi my boyfriend of a year and a bit recently broke-up. He had kept how he was feeling smothered (I also felt smothered at times to but we didn’t communicate this properly) and our relationship lacked the conversation piece because I am a quieter person. He said he felt pressured in social situations because I wouldn’t be the most outgoing person. This is something i have tried to work on before i even started dating him. We chatted a couple times since the break up but he has decided he needs to do some more soul-searching because he needs to learn more about himself. He started to see a therapist a few weeks ago and they have addressed some of the areas he needs to discover about himself. He said the majority of him wanted to “try again” but he can’t be in a relationship while looking into himself. He is working on some other issues he has within himself and needs to figure out. I’m incredibly heartbroken and discouraged by the fact we aren’t allowing ourselves the chance to try again. I do realized he needs to figure himself out before he can date anyone again… We have cut off communication... until we saw each other a couple days ago. I starting to do so well until i saw him... He called my name and we talked for about 20 minutes. We talked about what is going on in each others lives and how the other person was doing. It seems like he hasn’t been doing much except hiding from the world a bit and not going out. He said it sucks that exes can’t be friends and maybe one day we can go to the same place and both be able to stay there. I texted after we said goodbye saying I was not ready to see him and he agreed and he said he went straight home and cried a bit. We both agreed us not being together is a good thing (I said right now but i’m not sure how he feels) and we both said we miss each other and that life sucks and that us being apart is hard…etc I texted him the next morning saying I wish he had just let me keep walking pass him because i didnt see him standing there…. he hasn’t texted me back. What do i do? He seemed like he was still pretty sad about everything and i think he is still working through his own issues with the councellor.... do i ask if he is happy with his decision for us to not be together? I'm so lost.
along60years Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 (edited) I would suggest going NC until you feel like you have regained control over your emotions and can consider your options rationally. He sounds like a mess and you can ask as many questions as you want they won't lead to understanding, just more questions. He could have worked on himself while you were together, but he has chosen not to and it was a selfish choice. You must respect his decision though. Don't keep being passive aggressive and digging the knife in deeper, no one wants to come back to someone who is still making them feel bad after they've left. You don't need to worry about, or take care of anyone but yourself right now and he has to take responsibility for himself. It sucks, and I definitely know how you feel, but as hard as it is, you need to put him out of your mind until you feel stable on your own two feet again. I did all the things you are doing and talking about and I did not want to listen to anyone's advice about not contacting my ex either, but give the dust some time to settle. Claiming to be pathetic, sad, and confused is a great excuse when dumping someone because no one who loves you will accuse you of not feeling as bad as you claim and will only want to stick around longer to help, leaving the door cracked in case their other plans don't work out. It doesn't have to be forever, but do your best to wait out the overwhelming emotional urges to contact him. Eventually you will be able to do it by rational choice rather than impulse if you choose. By definition the "majority" of him does not want to try again, at least not yet, otherwise you would be. He's just keeping his foot in the door. Edited July 18, 2013 by along60years
thompkevin Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I agree with along60years. You seem to be going through the normal symptoms of a breakup. You regret your decision even though you both agreed that breaking up was a good thing. You are just missing him and feeling like you love him, which is what happens after every breakup.
Author jenn78 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 thanks so much for your response. He is a bit of a mess. I think it is me just missing him. I think its hard for me to let go because I keep replaying the things he said that hint at the idea he wants to try again but we obviously can't right now or maybe ever. The no contact thing is just very difficult because i still care about him very much. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond
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