VeloFellow Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hi all, Well, well. Here's me now, two months down the road after posting my first thread in here and collecting some great feedback from some very nice people. My relationship with this girl is going well. Like, really well. There were some blips on the weekend, a bit of a disagreement, but things got patched up pretty quickly and felt good by Sunday afternoon. She's been staying over 2-3 times a week. Is very affectionate. Met my mom. Determined that she can refer to me as her BF. Wow, lots of forward progress! But here's my problem. And please feel free to tell me how dumb I'm being. I recognize that I have some anxious qualities in my attachement style, but it sure doesn't take much for them to come out. My girl started a new job yesterday. First time in a couple of months. So I knew full well she'd be pretty consumed and busy and then then tired. She tends to take things pretty seriously and I had a hunch I wouldn't hear much from her. The first day went by well, I sent a little lunchtime message and she replied a couple of hours later - when she could, of course. All good. But what I'm really hung up on is that last night I texted her good night. And got nothing back. Ok, fair enough. She turns her phone off, or puts it away, or whatever. But I didn't get anything back the next morning either. I knew once she was in at work she'd be around people and would have very little time...but still...how hard is it to find 20 seconds? Like, first thing in the AM, while still in bed? I've taken it to heart and personally. I'm wrapped up in the question of why she couldnt just send me a quick 'good morning, busy day, catch you after work!' message. It makes me feel taken for granted and like she doesnt' respect me. She did reply, eventually. To say she was too tired to follow up on our plans for the night, but that she would stay over the next night. Then she said sorry for taking so long to reply. Should be all good! But my brain can't let go of it. We talked on the phone and I was cool about it all. She said she knew that we usually exchange a message or two during the day and I said I understood why but that I def felt it when I didn't hear from her. I said I felt a bit anxious. I know all those dating sites for men say don't say stuff like that, but seriously, I'm 40 years old. If it bugs me I'm saying something, no matter how it makes me look. We netted out with me saying 'all I need is a little bit. Not all day texting. Not constant reassurance. Just a thing in the morning, or lunch, or somewhere in there. Then I'm good.' She said, 'ok, I didn't know, some guys don't like that stuff!' Well, true. But she knows me by now. So...am I crazy? Is there more to this? Is she actually expressing that she'd prefer it if I didn't need that? In short - am I being too needy? Selfish? Thanks for reading this far!
sweetkiwi Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Yeah you're overreacting, big time buddy. I can see you fall apart in that OP, OP.
Author VeloFellow Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Well, speaking about overreacting.... I don't need s text AM and PM, silly. Only felt anxious about not getting a reply. Look up attachment styles - I'm definitely not alone in this. Sometimes we just need a little reassurance. I give it.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I personally think youre being too needy. But thats only because I personally dont need reassurance of my relationship during the day. But you say when she used to sleep over 3 times a week, now she doesnt respect you by texting you good night, just because youre used to it? Things change, shes consumed with the new job, let her be. Dont let your ego make you think you need things that you dont really need. You dont need a good night text or a text during the day just because you WANT it. Plus you could chip away at her attraction to you easily this early in your relationship by bieng this needy, and she still hasnt called you her bf yet. You think she is taking you for granted already, but youre already being possessive about her. Youre going to lose her fast if you keep this up. You shouldnt be getting this attached before she does. Displaying your anxiety this way could send her running for sure. Especially if she has new choices to date at work. Pick your battles carefully with your anxiety.
New User Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Yes, you're overreacting. You know you're overreacting. I don't really know if you're looking for someone to tell you that you aren't and that this horrible girl owes you an apology or if you're just trying to get someone external to tell you to knock off the insecure crap. Ok. Just noticed your age. For crying out loud- you're FORTY and you're acting like a lovestruck teenager. A female lovestruck teenager. Believe it or not, insecurity and neediness aren't generally considered attractive traits. Act your freakin' age or you will very likely chase her away.
D-Lish Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 You can't always help what bothers you- it's how you react that could be an issue. Yes, it comes across as slightly selfish to voice it- not to feel it, but to make an issue of it. I only say this because she's starting a new job, probably feeling nervous and a little overwhelmed. This new job is something new for her, but you are thinking about yourself and how it is affecting you. I think maybe if you tried to see things from her perspective, she was probably feeling overwhelmed, and was just taking a little extra space to get acclimated at her new job. It is stressful to start something new like this. Maybe just try and see things from her perspective and understand why she might be a little preoccupied at the moment. 2
hoping2heal Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Yeah, I'm going to chime in here that you're over-reacting. From a female perspective I can tell you that when I have something new started I do immerse myself in it so I'll be successful and do well. I get caught up in trying to adjust to my new surroundings or increasing demands and I temporarily get tunnel vision on that. I love my BF dearly, dearly, dearly and when I finally have a moment to catch my breath I feel guilty that I couldn't juggle both successfully at the same time but it makes my world spin round when he is understanding about it. It makes me appreciate him so much more as well as relived because let's face it; there's alot of mental space that goes into a new job/project/educational pursuit/ what have you and yeah it's not always as simple as "you have 20 free seconds in the morning when you first wake up". Mostly because when you wake up those "20 free seconds" turn into 20 nerve wracked minutes where you're battling your own anxiousness about what you're embarking on and trying to psych yourself up. It will only be temporary, really. Once she's had time to adjust things will switch back to you as a focus. Show her you can be patient and supportive and I guarantee she will gain a whole new level of love and respect for you. 1
Author VeloFellow Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) You guys are all right. I know full well I'm way overreacting and being way too needy. I'm fortunate in that I didn't express any of this to my GF. I had that pang only because I had messaged and not heard back, which is a bit more unusual. It's not easy being anxious. And its not something that a person has complete control over. I never really felt I had too much of it - a normal amount, I guess - but I think I'm going to be doing some introspection because I really feel my own internal feeling surprised me. I guess this is the first person I've cared about in a long time and it's unnerved me a bit to feel reliant like that. Just new things to adapt to. A change in my routine with this girl. A change in our routine together. And, of course, all that goes on with her and her routine and what 's happening for her. You're right, my role is to understand and support, not pressure. If its real, it will continue to be real. Thanks for the words, all. I'll be monitoring my thoughts a bit more! Edited July 17, 2013 by VeloFellow
ChatroomHero Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 You guys are all right. I know full well I'm way overreacting and being way too needy. I'm fortunate in that I didn't express any of this to my GF. I had that pang only because I had messaged and not heard back, which is a bit more unusual. It's not easy being anxious. And its not something that a person has complete control over. I never really felt I had too much of it - a normal amount, I guess - but I think I'm going to be doing some introspection because I really feel my own internal feeling surprised me. I guess this is the first person I've cared about in a long time and it's unnerved me a bit to feel reliant like that. Just new things to adapt to. A change in my routine with this girl. A change in our routine together. And, of course, all that goes on with her and her routine and what 's happening for her. You're right, my role is to understand and support, not pressure. If its real, it will continue to be real. Thanks for the words, all. I'll be monitoring my thoughts a bit more! I don't know, maybe as a guy I am different, but I have changed jobs, been busy, frustrated, had a full schedule from 5am until midnight, had stressful times, needed time away...but I cannot think of 1 time I had a SO contact me that I was unable or unwilling to at least respond in some way. I remember telling my last ex one night that I was stressed and would not be good to talk to and didn't want to bring her down just so she knew I was thinking about her. Hell, most relationships I have been in have included at least good morning and good night texts, and if I skipped one or skipped replying to one, I KNEW I would get one a few hours later, "Is everything ok?". That being said, maybe the OP over-reacted but I think some women in times of stress shut out their BF and if it is a serious relationship, it would seem at least ODD to me that my gf started a new job and cannot devote 20 seconds to me. To me I would want her to turn to me to relieve her stress. Here's the catch, does anyone here doubt that the OPs girl responded to multiple texts from other people not related to work, throughout the day?
clia Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I don't know, maybe as a guy I am different, but I have changed jobs, been busy, frustrated, had a full schedule from 5am until midnight, had stressful times, needed time away...but I cannot think of 1 time I had a SO contact me that I was unable or unwilling to at least respond in some way. I remember telling my last ex one night that I was stressed and would not be good to talk to and didn't want to bring her down just so she knew I was thinking about her. But she did respond to him. It wasn't as quickly as he wanted, but she did respond. I would really cut her some slack since she just started the new job. I actually leave my phone downstairs once I go to bed for the evening, and sometimes forget to even look at it until midway through the next day. I don't know if she's like me in that sense. Not everyone is attached to their phone 24x7. And she said she was tired, so she may not have even been thinking about her phone. That being said, maybe the OP over-reacted but I think some women in times of stress shut out their BF and if it is a serious relationship, it would seem at least ODD to me that my gf started a new job and cannot devote 20 seconds to me. To me I would want her to turn to me to relieve her stress. Everyone handles stress differently, though. I handle stress best by having some alone time and working out. For work stress, I prefer to do the foregoing and/or to blow of steam with my co-workers to vent. Yes, I could talk to my boyfriend about it, but I can't properly vent since he has no idea what I'm talking about since he is in a totally different profession so I end up having to explain in great detail why I'm so stressed and irritated, which defeats the purpose. I don't like venting to him about work stuff, anyway. Here's the catch, does anyone here doubt that the OPs girl responded to multiple texts from other people not related to work, throughout the day? It's totally possible, especially if she just started a new job. She's likely trying to impress her boss and coworkers, and probably doesn't want to have her phone out. I often don't respond to texts during the day when I'm having a busy day at work. I sometimes shut off the ringer sound on my phone and forget to turn it back on for a day or two, and don't even realize that a bunch of texts have accumulated. If the OP is 40, I assume his girlfriend is around that age. I'm 38. I didn't grow up with texting, so I mostly find it to be a nuisance. I'm just not married to my phone. His girlfriend may be similar, but only he knows that.
pteromom Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Yes, you are overreacting. You know she's busy, and you can't expect to be her top priority at all times. But - I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her that you have a little anxiety about not getting replies, and ask her if it is possible, would she mind replying, even if it is just a smiley or "K", so you know she got your text and you know she's OK. Communication is a good thing.
superchick Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 While I agree that not every text requires a reply (after all, these text convos would never end), I personally would find/sacrifice a minute to text my boyfriend back no matter how tired/busy I was. I know that he wants to know if I'm doing okay and leaving him hanging for a long time without telling him what's up would not be okay with him. Talk to her: "honey, would you mind sending me a text when you get home so I know you got there safe?" - my boyfriend uses that phrase and I'm always happy to do that. 1
Perrier Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 OP my mouth fell open when I read you are forty! I thought you'd be in your 20s. I think you're overreacting, and overwhelmed that your gf has a new project. Good morning and night texts are great - I've had them before. I'd get busy if I were you, give her some space and see how things pan out.
Phantom888 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 OP: Since we are in the same age group (I'm 38), I'll chime in to give a "mature" opinion, whatever that is worth. I can totally relate to how excited you are with your woman. I am really in love with my woman, and it would be great if we could text each other all day. But in the real world, we can't. We have priorities and responsibilities. It's fun to act like a teenager, and get all warm and fuzzy, but it's not healthy for the relationship in the long run. Yes, people our age can totally overdo the whole romance thing. Especially with our life experience, and often financial successes, we can do stuff most younger people can't do to impress our women. But in the end, we have to pace ourselves so that we can keep our woman happy. Congrats on being in love and everything.
blueskyday Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 (edited) I have a different take on this. Being the poster's age, I understand the need for closeness. I don't think its anxiety about the relationship as much as much as it's about wanting to feel close even when things are busy. After years in a distant marriage with a busy executive, I like feeling close, and being with someone who will text me in the morning or in the evening to say good morning/good night. It's not really a big deal! Reaching out show thoughtfulness and sensitivity, which is good for the relationship. I think when major changes happen in a relationship like a new job, its up to the person who's busy to reach out and show the other person that all is well. I want to be with somebody who shares their day with me no matter how busy it was. That said, I would still phrase it in a positive way. I would probably say, "Honey, I would love a quick goodnight text , before we go to sleep." Edited July 18, 2013 by blueskyday 1
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