Sunflower22 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I truly dont think my husband loves me at all. I am not even sure why he is sticking around or what his intentions are. Maybe he is just scared to leave.... Maybe he stays for the kids..... All i know is that i have countless examples over the past two to three years of things he has done that have hurt me terribly and he has always said im a child and has disregarded his actions and continues to do things and say things that to me indicates that he does not really care about me. Its almost as if he tries to bully me on issues. When i try to verbalize my feelings or stress a concern he becomes very angry all commuincation stops and he says he is done talking to me for the night. He uses the avoidance method but then disregards my feelings and does exactly what i said concerns me. I am not sure if this is not his way of trying to manipulate and control me or if he simply doesnt care. I have told him I dont feel like he cares about me at all and he just says im rediculous. But i cant remember him doing anything for me without a major fight that indicates he cares about me. I dont feel he has been supportive of me about anything, he is very critical of me. The interesting thing is that my family tells me that he tells them and strangers how hard I work and that I do a lot. But he cant bring himself to compliment me personally at all. Plus he is not emotionally there for me he is a failure at that in my opinion. I do believe deep down inside he knows all he has put me through over the past 3 years but why doesnt he give me a break and why does he keep doing it? I have put up with a lot from him honestly many lonely tearful nights to where now i rarely shed a tear. I ask him why did you marry me and have children with me if all you wanted was to try to force someone into a lifestyle that makes them miserable. A marriage is being a team not one person trying to dictate all the rules. He told me i was never going to have a sweet husband and i told him im aware of that because a sweet husband would understand all the hurt i have experienced and would give me a break from it. He was speechless because his idea of being sweet is me rubbing him. My idea of sweet is supportive and caring none of which he has been. My mom and my family has been my saving grace through all of this. This marriage by far has been the worst years of my life. Before i got married i had the world in my hands young smart single attractive woman with all kinds of options and i ended up with him and this is what he offers. He knew i had lots of options why would any man marry a woman to make her completely unhappy? Now i have two beautiful children and my options are to stay with him or have a broken home none of which are appealing. I worked so hard to do everything right; go to college wait to get married to have kids and i wasted it on him. Completely wasted!!!!!
LimeBlue Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Please educate yourself on narcissism and gaslighting. I by no means intend for this to be derogatory to you, that is not my intention at all. But please do read up on narcs and being gas lighted. And I do not mean just randomly read for three hours and be done - i really do mean EDUCATE yourself on it. You will start to see through him, and also save yourself from these people going forward in life. If I were you, if you have the finances of course, I would pack and go. It sounds like you are wasting your life over trying to sort his issues out which he ultimately projects onto you.
Author Sunflower22 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 I know what narcissm is and i truly believe he has this disorder but what is gas lighting? Can someone tell me?
ForeverHopeful1 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 YOU knew you had LOTS of options too. He knew you had other options. I am going to guess he didn't drag you kicking and screaming to the alter, nor did he do anything of the sort when you decided to have children with him. If you had lots of options, why in Gods name did you pick him? Seriously think about why you chose him, above all the other fabulously wonderful options you had? What was it about him that made you say, "yup, I want him forever?!?!" Don't tell me he was a great communicator while you were dating and then ALL OF A SUDDEN changed into this horrible waste of a human being. You are in control of your life. Stand up for yourself. What is worse? Staying or going? You literally have two options and right now, you are CHOOSING to be miserable with him. You can file for divorce and leave if you want. No one is holding you hostage. I am sure everyone would be happier living separately. He bullies you, stop communication when you try to bring something to his attention, blames you for your own feelings when he causes you pain, indicates he doesn't care for you, disregards his actions and completely disregards you feelings, etc............................... Why are you sticking around and what are your intentions? Are you scared to leave? Or just staying for the kids? WHY DO YOU STAY? Stop asking why he stays!!! You need to ask yourself this question, Love. If you had SO many other options, why did you choose this waste of a life as your husband and better yet, why did you choose to have children with this waste of a life? I don't mean to be harsh at all, and I hope this makes you think about your situation a little. You do have a choice and you are choosing to stay. Up to you, Girl!!! xoxoxoxox Good luck!
ForeverHopeful1 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
LimeBlue Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I know what narcissm is and i truly believe he has this disorder but what is gas lighting? Can someone tell me? ForeverHopeful has summed it up, but your best is to read up on Google, find some good websites (not arb ones, I mean proper psychology sites or the like), and read about gas lighting. The only way to avoid these people going forward in life, AND dealing with them (they literally walk among us), is education and by educating yourself you will recognize on the spot when it is happening.
findingnemo Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 You need to leave him. Why are you waiting for him to leave? Or to change? He won't change unless he decides for himself. Right now he is very comfortable doing exactly what he wants. Obviously you're not perfect but it takes two people to work on a relationship... And he may not be willing to.
Author Sunflower22 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Foreverhopeful, Thank you for your help and response. Believe it or not he was very caring to me before we got married. He started showing his true colors after I was 4 months pregnant with our second child. It was his idea to have a second child so soon and I was happy and things were good so I was ok with getting pregnant again. It was almost immediate after I got pregnant with my son the lies started and with those lies came his hateful attitude toward everything. It has been strange though because he goes back and forth. From being hateful to trying to be a decent husband. That is probably why I have stayed. But those nice gestures are starting to wear thin. He has been a good daddy and my children love him. The reasons for me to stay are getting less and less though that is true. I guess I have been trying to save my marriage and keep my family intact. I have been trying to talk to him calmly and let him see his actions and how he treats others. This seems to work after the fact. I think he knows that he is wrong for what he does. For instance yesterday he threatened me again about something financial. This threat was to strictly hurt me and ultimately affect my children. So I looked at him very stern and I said very calmly though, "Listen to me, if you do this you will force me to react. Me and you both know that by doing this you are trying to hurt me and control me and it will ultimately affect our children so if you do this realize I will have to react. He just starred at me and he did not carry through with his threat. He has since tried to have calm communication with me in which I only communicate about our children. He fights unfair and he tries to bully me but I am standing up for myself and I am not allowing him to bully me or our kids. I do believe that it will come to an end soon because I just don't look at him with any respect. I understand married people argue but there are boundaries of decency that should be respected. If he knows he can do something to hurt me deeply he will take that opportunity which is why he can't really hurt me anymore because he has taken that opportunity to many times and I am guarded.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Why not go to therapy? Or marriage counseling? It will help you, even if your goal is to leave.
oldshirt Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Can you cite a few example of some of the things he has done? You have only talked in generalities and said that he has done mean and hatefull things and threatened you with financial things but you have given no examples. In oder to give any usefull input we kind of need to know if these mean and hatefull things are leaving the toilet seat up or refusing to wash the car. Vs boiling the kid's pet kitten in front of them for not cleaning out the cat box to his satisfaction. Was this financial abuse taking out all th family savings so he could go to the casino with his n'er do well half brother or was he refusing to put the family savings into some get-rich-quick scheme you saw on some late night infomercial?
Author Sunflower22 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 For example he tries to strong arm so basically 70 dollars was spent that he didn't approve so because of that he has threatened to deny me access to any if those funds and that the only money I can have access to is the money I make. He makes a considerable amount more than me and I need his help to support all that we need for the house. I understand if he is upset but he is using power and threats here basically not because he is mad about the 70 dollars but because he is mad that I am going out to a work function. I don't know if this makes sense. Last Christmas my employer messed up my paycheck terribly. I explained the situation to him and he blamed it on me. Refused to help me while my work got it squared away. He wouldn't help me get kids Xmas tree or anything. My parents gave me what I needed to help out cause they knew he wouldn't help me I had no where else to go. He had the nerve to tell my dad to stay out of our marital issues. My dad politely told him that me and his grandchildren needed money to live on. It got straightened out with my job but his reaction toward me hurt me terribly I felt all alone like a single woman. When my son was born he was traveling 5 days a week it was very hard on me. So I asked him to do something about it and he got a new job but that job really didn't decrease his traveling much and worse with this job he is going out regularly at night to cocktail parties and so forth while I'm stuck home. I have told him it bothers me that its hard on me that this is not fun for me. He tells me I'm a baby, I'm immature that other woman would be fine with this situation. He says if I don't like it then leave him. Which to me is bullying and disregarding my feelings. When he is gone he acts like he is disconnected somewhat from the family. It's a lot to explain but he puts us on the back burner in my opinion. Now that I'm starting to go out to my work functions and basically leave him with kids and do what he does he is angry thus the threat over money. There is more much more painful hurtful words from him while he has trump led all over my feelings and basically leave me home like a servant
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