tourdefist Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 About 4 months ago I got a new job and almost instantly developed a crush on my coworker. After about two weeks of talking to her she revealed that she has a boyfriend (who also works at the store). She seemed reluctant to talk about him. As time went on it became pretty clear that we had feelings for each other. She would light up like a pinball machine when I saw her and we would have extended eye contact starring matches. There was also lots of flirting. LOTS of flirting. We eventually began writing extremely long emails back and forth on a daily basis. This went on for over a month and we got to know each other very well during the course of these emails and by talking at work. She told me that she's told me things she has never told anyone else. I did the same. This eventually led to us hanging out in person, which was wonderful. Our conversations got way more personal. One evening while watching the sunset together she told me that if she hadn't met Jim (her boyfriend), that she wouldn't be sitting here with me at that moment in time, enjoying the sunset. She never really mentioned her boyfriend unless she was telling me a story about something they did in the past. She would always say "we" instead of his name or instead of saying "boyfriend". It kinda seemed to me like they were on their way out. while hanging out we would flirt constantly, there were several extended hugs, but we never kissed. I found out that they have been together for 8 years and moved here to Seattle together from Chicago. They meet when they were 21 (she's now 29). They currently live together with another roommate. One day I was driving her home while talking, all of our secrets came out. I told her how I felt about her and she told me she told me that she "REALLY liked me". She said if she broke up with him he would probably be so upset that he would have to move out of town. She admitted that she felt horrible for all the emotional cheating. I told her that she should just take her time and if she needed to talk that I would be there. The next day at work she told me that she can't email me anymore because it means that shes made a decision and she just needs time to think about it. This was about two weeks ago. I told her to call me and she said "I can't". Regardless, she continues to send me brief (non-personal) emails and text messages. She called me a couple of times but we didn't talk about the situation at all. It was exhilarating talking to her and she seemed excited to talk to me. Meanwhile she's continuing to spend all of her time with him. They frequently go to concerts and movies together. She also revealed that they are going on a trip to Los Angels this December. She's obviously really confused, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm super into this girl. I don't want to be with anyone else and I truly feel like fate has brought us together. Every time I see her at work she gets super excited to see me and we continue to flirt. A lot. Yesterday she volunteered to stay 3 hours after she was supposed to get off work so she could help me out in the back of the store. She said the only reason she volunteered to do it was so that she could spend time with me. Right after she got off work she sent me a couple of short Facebook messages and texted me. I have no idea what to do from here, I just know that I need to be with her. Any insight is welcome. Thank you!
KatZee Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Trust me, fate did not bring you two together. She's heavily involved with her current boyfriend despite having an emotional affair on him with you. Just because she's somewhat into you doesn't mean she's going to leave him for you at all. And believe me, you don't want her to anyway. I've been where you are. My ex actually dumped his girlfriend of 6 years to be with me. Worst mistake of my life getting with him. I'll spare you most of the details besides these two important ones: 1. He wound up cheating on me with his ex because after the "newness" wore off he was "confused" and didn't know if he wanted to go back to her or not. She has TONS of baggage and TONS of history with this person. That's not going to go away if she leaves him for you. You're going to be balls deep in the WORST situation you'll ever find yourself in. 2. My ex actually did the exact same thing TO ME that he did to his ex. After 3 years together, he met someone else, emotionally cheated ON ME with this girl and dumped me for her. If she left him for you, she'd turn around and leave you for someone else. It's a vicious cycle. Back off. Leave her alone. Don't try to influence her to leave him out of your own selfish desire to be with her. 8 years with her boyfriend. She's practically married. Relationships are hard enough these days without people coming out of no where and meddling and creating unnecessary temptation. SHE IS OFF LIMITS. What she and you are doing is NOT FAIR to her current boyfriend. And she's obviously not completely miserable if they're still doing so much stuff together. She could be bored, in a set routine, and found you new and exciting. Again, doesn't mean she's leaving him at all. Back away, keep your relationship "work professional." 6
flitzanu Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 as someone who has been in this exact same situation many many times...you're walking dangerous ground. if this girl is treating her boyfriend that way for YOU, who is to say she won't do the same if you two were dating? 4
FitChick Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Ask her why they aren't married. Is he financially well off? Is he her age?
New User Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Independent of the trust issue, jumping out of one long term relationship and straight into another rarely works out that well. I also wouldn't take her word that he would be so distraught he would leave town- aaaaand.... you work at the same store he works at. So.... Mix volatile emotions brought on by being blindsided by the end of an eight year relationship, close proximity to the guy she's seeing now.... Yeah. That's a recipe for relationship success if I've ever heard one. I think that you should totally go for it man. No. Not really. Two possibilities I can see- 1) she wants to make sure she has a new guy set up before she leaves the old. Or 2) as was mentioned earlier, she's playing you. Find another girl to crush on. Word around the office is that they are about half the population.
lessica Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 About 4 months ago I got a new job and almost instantly developed a crush on my coworker. After about two weeks of talking to her she revealed that she has a boyfriend (who also works at the store). She seemed reluctant to talk about him. As time went on it became pretty clear that we had feelings for each other. She would light up like a pinball machine when I saw her and we would have extended eye contact starring matches. There was also lots of flirting. LOTS of flirting. We eventually began writing extremely long emails back and forth on a daily basis. This went on for over a month and we got to know each other very well during the course of these emails and by talking at work. She told me that she's told me things she has never told anyone else. I did the same. This eventually led to us hanging out in person, which was wonderful. Our conversations got way more personal. One evening while watching the sunset together she told me that if she hadn't met Jim (her boyfriend), that she wouldn't be sitting here with me at that moment in time, enjoying the sunset. She never really mentioned her boyfriend unless she was telling me a story about something they did in the past. She would always say "we" instead of his name or instead of saying "boyfriend". It kinda seemed to me like they were on their way out. Their relationship struck me as being completely devoid of romance. While hanging out we would flirt constantly, there were several extended hugs, but we never kissed. I found out that they have been together for 8 years and moved here to Seattle together from Chicago. They meet when they were 21 (she's now 29). They currently live together with another roommate. One day I was driving her home while talking, all of our secrets came out. I told her how I felt about her and she told me she told me that she "REALLY liked me". She said if she broke up with him he would probably be so upset that he would have to move out of town. She admitted that she felt horrible for all the emotional cheating. I told her that she should just take her time and if she needed to talk that I would be there. The next day at work she told me that she can't email me anymore because it means that shes made a decision and she just needs time to think about it. This was about two weeks ago. I told her to call me and she said "I can't". Regardless, she continues to send me brief (non-personal) emails and text messages. She called me a couple of times but we didn't talk about the situation at all. It was exhilarating talking to her and she seemed excited to talk to me. Meanwhile she's continuing to spend all of her time with him. They frequently go to concerts and movies together. She also revealed that they are going on a trip to Los Angels this December. She's obviously really confused, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm super into this girl. I don't want to be with anyone else and I truly feel like fate has brought us together. Every time I see her at work she gets super excited to see me and we continue to flirt. A lot. Yesterday she volunteered to stay 3 hours after she was supposed to get off work so she could help me out in the back of the store. She said the only reason she volunteered to do it was so that she could spend time with me. Right after she got off work she sent me a couple of short Facebook messages and texted me. I have no idea what to do from here, I just know that I need to be with her. Any insight is welcome. Thank you! Maybe you just make her feel really good but she still loves/very attached to her boyfriend? People are fickle.
Carenth Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Encouraging someone to dump their SO for your own selfish desires = you gonna have a bad time when they do the same thing to you. 3
hotpotato Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) I was just reading a similar story on another site. Both the guy and the girl left 4 yr relationships to be together. Poor guy was convinced it was love and wanted to marry her. It lasted for awhile until she went back to her ex. I guess what im saying is buyer beware! It is very possible that her relationship with her bf has grown stale. You come along at just the right time, and both of you think you are in love. Everyone is in love in the beginning! Maybe she has been mildly satisfied and wants out, and she needs a cushion (this is where you come in). From what ive seen things dont work out well when people bounce from one person to another...If she is willing to leave an 8 yr relationship after a relatively short period of thought, she could just as easily jump right back to the previous relationship or someone else... There is probably a reason they have been together so long... Edited July 17, 2013 by hotpotato
CptSaveAho Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) one night stands are perfectly acceptable in this scenario btw i have an ex that did this, she emails me every 3-6 months basically looking for a hookup of sorts... she still with the guy that she left me for and they are engaged... so as another poster said buyer beware Edited July 17, 2013 by CptSaveAho
hoping2heal Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Okay, This is probably the least of the worries here but I'd just like to say; if fate brought a woman who was 8 years committed (commonlaw marriage in fact) together with a single man she's known for 4 months then we've all been really, really lied to. About everything. I just can't see that happening, can you? Now aside from the obvious fact that it's hurtful and morally wrong it's also revealing. They've been together for 8 years and anyone who's been in a long-term relationship can testify to how attraction can ebb and flow at certain times. Sometimes you take one another for granted, or sometimes your mind wonders about something on the other side of the fence. It's all pretty normal but most people know it's fleeting too. They don't act on their impulses but this woman has. Which means when the going gets tough, this woman gets going. Not a good sign. Forget what it says about her character; just the fact that she behaves this way is a good indicator of future behavior especially since she's not some young teenager; she's a nearly 30 year old woman. This is my way of something even if you two did get together, she'd pull the same ***** on you. I don't know why you think she plans to leave him for you, you have given no indication of the fact she wants to or plans to leave the boyfriend. In fact, she even spends the majority of her time with him. You've known each other for four months and that's all fine and well but it's also honeymoon phase. Except when the chemical sparks fade out, you two won't have built a strong foundation where love can surface through. Long story short, this is just plain a bad idea. 1
Lani Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 She's not leaving him. And even if she is, as others have said, do you really want to get involved with someone in this way? You'd likely always have suspicions that she's talking to other guys behind your back. It's no way to start a relationship. It's time to let this one go.
Lansing Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I agree with the others based on my experiences of getting close to a girl while she still had a boyfriend... You are better off just ending all ties completely and breaking this dependence you have on her.
TheGuard13 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) Been there, done that. You're infatuated, and so is she, and things happened quickly, and the two of you developed a bond of sorts. She used you to fill an emotional void that her boyfriend wasn't. I doubt she was ever seriously considering leaving him, but that she was caught up in the good feelings from the interactions she was having with you. For a while, she was likely considering an "affair" of sorts with you, but it sounds like she's decided that she's being reckless and immature, and that what she was doing is wrong, and is distancing herself from you. If you distance yourself from her, the feeling that you have to be with her will pass. Edited July 17, 2013 by TheGuard13 1
Gingerlee Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I agree with all the other posters unfortunately, which I know isn't' what you want to hear. If they can do this to someone else, what makes you think you're so special that she wont do it to you?
daftpunk Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 If she left him for you in such a manner, you are pretty much guaranteed an amazing honeymoon period. And then you can count on her leaving you to go back to him. Any good relationship that lasts 2+ years is going to be almost impossible to wash away from a woman's mind. Bad relationships are a different story, but it doesn't sound like her relationship is really that bad. She just sounds bored and impatient.
BradJacobs Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 If she left him for you in such a manner, you are pretty much guaranteed an amazing honeymoon period. And then you can count on her leaving you to go back to him. Any good relationship that lasts 2+ years is going to be almost impossible to wash away from a woman's mind. Bad relationships are a different story, but it doesn't sound like her relationship is really that bad. She just sounds bored and impatient. That's only if she realizes that the grass isn't greener in the new bed and if the ex is still available. Maybe he's the exception? Maybe her ex moves on quickly and she's got no where to go?
pteromom Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 If she is planning a trip with him for this December, she isn't thinking of leaving him. You need to back completely off her. Don't talk to her except as needed at work. Don't spend time with her, text her, call her, etc. Tell her why - tell her you have grown strong feelings for her, and that being with her then watching her go home to her bf hurts too much. Tell her that if she leaves him, you are open to dating and seeing where it goes, but that you can't keep going on this way. It will hurt, but man... this could drag on forever.
tman666 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Why not look at it from the perspective of being respectful of the fact that she's another guy's girl? Put yourself in her boyfriend's shoes for a minute. Imagine you feel the same way about her as you do now, and that you've invested a lot of your time, emotions, and youth into the 8 years you've had together. Now imagine that there's some other guy who starts taking an interest in her (can't blame him for that), yet continues to pursue your girl and flirt with her, even though he KNOWS of your existence and the full extent of your longstanding relationship with your girl. Do you see how this is playing with fire, completely independently of what SHE thinks about the whole thing? The honorable thing to do is walk away, regardless of what she says she's feeling/thinking. While a lot of people our age pull this kind of crap with each other, you both need to grow up, in my humble opinion, especially if you want to find a relationship that lasts beyond busting a few nuts. 3
Author tourdefist Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Thanks for the feedback everyone. I was kinda surprised they haven't gotten married yet. One time she was talking about marriage and she said the thought of it gives her panic attacks. On the other hand, one time we were hanging out at her house and she showed me a picture of her high school prom dress and told me that she wants that to be her wedding dress one day. Very confusing. Two days ago she invited me over to her house (while her bf was working), because she said she needed to talk to me. We hung out for three hours talking about fun stuff. Right as I was leaving it kinda came up. She kept saying "I'm not that special". I told her she was never going to get any sort of perspective on the whole situation if shes constantly hanging out with him. I told her that I thought she should take a break from him if she's has feelings for me. She basically agreed with both things, saying I was right. We had three very long and passionate hugs. I kissed her on the check and left. Ultimately, I told her how I feel so it's in her hands now. I just started an almost 2 week vacation, so I'm going to try the whole "No Contact" thing out. We kinda agreed to not speak during my time off. This should give me time to heal and maybe give her a chance to see what she's missing. I have a feeling she will miss me a whole lot, but we'll see. What do you guys think?
Woop1337 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 She invited you over, at their house? Wow, that's an upstanding woman right there man. You both agreed to not speak to each other during your 2 week vacation? Why are you telling this girl your plans of ignoring her? Integrity..this woman is not about that life. I suggest you start applying for a different job. 1
irc333 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Actually, I think this is how MOST new relationships develop. It's usually during the transitional period between relationships...kind of like when one monkey swings through the jungle, not letting go of the branch behind them until it's got a good grip on the branch in front of them. I would say this is how probably the majority of people go from one relationship to the next. Trust me, fate did not bring you two together. She's heavily involved with her current boyfriend despite having an emotional affair on him with you. Just because she's somewhat into you doesn't mean she's going to leave him for you at all. And believe me, you don't want her to anyway. I've been where you are. My ex actually dumped his girlfriend of 6 years to be with me. Worst mistake of my life getting with him. I'll spare you most of the details besides these two important ones: 1. He wound up cheating on me with his ex because after the "newness" wore off he was "confused" and didn't know if he wanted to go back to her or not. She has TONS of baggage and TONS of history with this person. That's not going to go away if she leaves him for you. You're going to be balls deep in the WORST situation you'll ever find yourself in. 2. My ex actually did the exact same thing TO ME that he did to his ex. After 3 years together, he met someone else, emotionally cheated ON ME with this girl and dumped me for her. If she left him for you, she'd turn around and leave you for someone else. It's a vicious cycle. Back off. Leave her alone. Don't try to influence her to leave him out of your own selfish desire to be with her. 8 years with her boyfriend. She's practically married. Relationships are hard enough these days without people coming out of no where and meddling and creating unnecessary temptation. SHE IS OFF LIMITS. What she and you are doing is NOT FAIR to her current boyfriend. And she's obviously not completely miserable if they're still doing so much stuff together. She could be bored, in a set routine, and found you new and exciting. Again, doesn't mean she's leaving him at all. Back away, keep your relationship "work professional."
ascendotum Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 inviting you over to her house was your cue to sex her and you blew it Yeah, he's right. Even after she decided to cool things off and limit contact a few weeks back, she now invites you over to her place for a few hours while the bf is out. She's actually ramped things up even more by doing this. I reckon she wants an affair (or to try new flavor for a night). She's very conflicted. She loves and is committed to her bf, but I guess things are little stale after 8 yrs, and you come along and get her all excited. She wanted to back off 2 weeks to ease the tension and to stop what was basically emotional cheating, but after having sometime apart what does she do, invite you over behind the bf's back. She knows what she doing. She wanted you to make the move on her so she wont feel so guilty about cheating. If you want her for a gf, I agree with what others posted earlier about don't go expecting fidelity from her. I don't know if you believe in karma but if you want a fling and do the dirty on her bf, looks like its up to you. If you don't then you need to pull back....as in no more emails, no more very personal talks, no more visiting her house, etc.
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