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Need some reassurance that I'm making the right decision, thanks

kelozo

By kelozo
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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kelozo New Member

kelozo

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I posted on here before whether I should break up with my current girlfriend of one and a half year or not. Personally, I have already decided to break up with her, but am still resisting it, because we have so many great memories together - its hard to throw those away just like that! But I am still doubting, when everything is going great most of the time, should you break up? The main reason I want to break up with her is that I have never been truly in love with her. I have never felt that 'spark' that I want to do everything for her, no matter what. I guess that answers the question. But to throw someone away that you have built so much with, we have told each other everything about everything and can basically talk about anything.

 

Our sex life is great - the best I've ever had. But the fact remains, I've still never felt the 'spark' with her. She says I am the love of her life and I know she would do everything for me. We have broken up three times before, but gotten back together. I'm just so afraid of not finding someone like that again or I will compare everyone to her.

 

I have read multiple posts saying people should follow their instincts and that's what I'm doing in my situation. It is worth mentioning that the situation with my last (and only) ex was quite similar to this one - I broke up because I didn't feel I was in love with her.

 

I guess I'm the laid back kind of person who lets girls come to me and establishes a relationship from that. Maybe its time I learned from my past and current relationship and really look for the girl that I could see a potential future with (without any doubt). I just feel soo stupid no realizing this before and wasting one and a half year of her and my life on finding out. Well, I guess I asked, realized, and answered my own question. Sometimes it helps writing it out. I suppose I just wanted some reassurance from fellow LoveShackers that I should definitely break up with my current girlfriend because that's the right thing to do and (proactively) start the search for my soulmate!

hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

Posted
Posted

Would you stay with someone if they are not in love with you?

 

When you will meet the right person you will have no doubt about that. Really. For now, just let your GF go... she deserves someone who will do anything for her!

 

Great memories are not enough - and anyway you are gonna have even greater memories with your real love!

aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

Ask youself these questions-

 

* Would it upset you to see her with another guy in a month knowing she's having great sex with him and not you?

 

* Would it upset you if you dumped her and she never spoke to you again?

 

* Are you going to be lonely and sad in a month or two if you don't meet anyone you like as much as her?

 

If I was in love with my girl, there's NO WAY i'd even consider breaking up with her and risk any of the above

AllTooWell Established Member

AllTooWell

Posted
Posted
Ask youself these questions-

 

* Would it upset you to see her with another guy in a month knowing she's having great sex with him and not you?

 

* Would it upset you if you dumped her and she never spoke to you again?

 

* Are you going to be lonely and sad in a month or two if you don't meet anyone you like as much as her?

 

If I was in love with my girl, there's NO WAY i'd even consider breaking up with her and risk any of the above

 

 

I don't think EITHER of these are good reasons to stay with someone. I know for a fact my ex doesn't want me with anyone else. I know for a FACT he is lonely without me and that he doesn't like the fact I'm doing NC.

 

Those 3 things come with the comfort of a LTR.

 

 

If you do not love this girl what you are doing to her is cruel and I think you should leave. You clearly have enough doubts to be coming here and asking about it. You are settling if you stay with her and, whether you realize it or not, your relationship will not thrive and be successful because neither of you are reaching your fullest potential as partners.

 

 

You are staying with her now out of comfort (and even if you don't want her to be with others, would be lonely without her, etc) you do not actually love her.

 

 

If you are not willing to do anything for her, I think that's a huge sign. At least to my knowledge, when I have loved someone and when they have loved me, they would move the moon for me.

lessica Established Member

lessica

Posted
Posted

I would like to know what your perception of love is?

And that spark you talk of, have you felt it for someone before?

 

I know a lot of people refer to the spark feeling as the chemical state of your brain in the honeymoon phase. Which always fades, and the love changes.

 

Concepts of soul mates etc are not set in stone, not proven, and are tied up in religious/mystic ideas.

 

Are you sure you don't love this girl?

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kelozo New Member

kelozo

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Would you stay with someone if they are not in love with you?

 

When you will meet the right person you will have no doubt about that. Really. For now, just let your GF go... she deserves someone who will do anything for her!

 

Great memories are not enough - and anyway you are gonna have even greater memories with your real love!

 

I agree, she deserves better as much as I deserve to find happiness and true love. And I want to have that feeling that I could do anything for my girlfriend, I'm just not feeling it with the current girlfriend. I just need to believe there is someone else better out there for me.

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kelozo New Member

kelozo

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Ask youself these questions-

 

* Would it upset you to see her with another guy in a month knowing she's having great sex with him and not you?

 

* Would it upset you if you dumped her and she never spoke to you again?

 

* Are you going to be lonely and sad in a month or two if you don't meet anyone you like as much as her?

 

If I was in love with my girl, there's NO WAY i'd even consider breaking up with her and risk any of the above

 

I agree with AllTooWell, I don't think those are good reasons to stay with someone. I would be upset by the first two reasons, as would most people, and will probably feel sad/lonely days/weeks after the breakup.

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kelozo New Member

kelozo

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I would like to know what your perception of love is?

And that spark you talk of, have you felt it for someone before?

 

I know a lot of people refer to the spark feeling as the chemical state of your brain in the honeymoon phase. Which always fades, and the love changes.

 

Concepts of soul mates etc are not set in stone, not proven, and are tied up in religious/mystic ideas.

 

Are you sure you don't love this girl?

 

I have only been in one relationship before this one which reminds me way too much of the current relationship. As I said in the post, its time I learned from the relationship and go for someone that I without a doubt could see a future with. It probably sounds weird saying that, but I'm not the type that approaches girls, but rather lets them come to me. I think its because of fear of rejection and being afraid of being heartbroken. However, its time to chase what I see as the right girl for me - we'll see what the outcome will be.

theonlyjuan Established Member

theonlyjuan

Posted
Posted

I have recently been on the receiving end of this

 

My ex broke up with me because after a few months she said she didn't love me. She said by then she should know if she is going to love someone or not.

 

I don't Jude things by a few months and I just go with the flow and see what develops. Difference is I have learnt to go with the flow. She is 19 I am 25. She is still young and has to learn these things for herself. She may look back one day and regret it, so might you but that's life.

 

1) You have to make it 100% clear that this is not because of a fault in her. She is going to question everything about herself ( Looks, personality, likability etc )

 

2) Don't expect to be able to be friends straight after. Give her some space

 

3) Don't leave her with hope that you will get back. She needs closure and needs it right away.

 

4) Don't give it " It's not you it's me " BS. She will think you like someone and have done for a while. You really have to explain this lack of spark thing as clearly as you can. Maybe you came into each others life at the wrong time, who knows. Sometimes for whatever reason you just don't feel it, even if you really wished you could.

 

5) Leave her be. Don't be texing her too soon after. It will send mixed signals to her, she will think you miss her and think there's a chance again.

 

6) If you become friends, don't bring up the past or new girlfriends. No one wants to hear all that. Don't rub any future happiness in her face

 

7) Make sure 100% this is what you want. If you change your mind after, you probably won't be able to fix it again.

lessica Established Member

lessica

Posted
Posted

This is something that happens to people throughout their 20's a lot-from what I have read. Indecision- not even being sure what they want. Sometimes you do have to shop around to know what you were looking for I guess.

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kelozo New Member

kelozo

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I have recently been on the receiving end of this

 

My ex broke up with me because after a few months she said she didn't love me. She said by then she should know if she is going to love someone or not.

 

I don't Jude things by a few months and I just go with the flow and see what develops. Difference is I have learnt to go with the flow. She is 19 I am 25. She is still young and has to learn these things for herself. She may look back one day and regret it, so might you but that's life.

 

1) You have to make it 100% clear that this is not because of a fault in her. She is going to question everything about herself ( Looks, personality, likability etc )

 

2) Don't expect to be able to be friends straight after. Give her some space

 

3) Don't leave her with hope that you will get back. She needs closure and needs it right away.

 

4) Don't give it " It's not you it's me " BS. She will think you like someone and have done for a while. You really have to explain this lack of spark thing as clearly as you can. Maybe you came into each others life at the wrong time, who knows. Sometimes for whatever reason you just don't feel it, even if you really wished you could.

 

5) Leave her be. Don't be texing her too soon after. It will send mixed signals to her, she will think you miss her and think there's a chance again.

 

6) If you become friends, don't bring up the past or new girlfriends. No one wants to hear all that. Don't rub any future happiness in her face

 

7) Make sure 100% this is what you want. If you change your mind after, you probably won't be able to fix it again.

 

I def wanna make the break up as clear as possible, but still being gentle.

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kelozo New Member

kelozo

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Posted
This is something that happens to people throughout their 20's a lot-from what I have read. Indecision- not even being sure what they want. Sometimes you do have to shop around to know what you were looking for I guess.

 

Thanks for that input. I definitely fell that I need to date more to get a feel for who would be a good fit for me and who would not. I mean there are lot of fish in the sea, and not necessary to rush into a relationship. I think I need to feel comfortable being single without any pressure to get into a relationship - and as a lot people have said, love will reveal itself when you least expect it.

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