kkk Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) He said I'm making him cry...well I 'know' why he said that and it's not necessary to discuss it here. and he also said that he's confused and more sentimental these past weeks. Well I knew that even before he said it...I know him. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I just told him that I won't be talking to him for the mean time as I think giving him space is the best thing to do... <- but Was it the right thing? I mean, he didn't ask for space but it seems like he doesn't want to talk. Specially online, everytime I go visible, he logs out...happened 3 days ago after he had told me that he's depressed. And no, he's not my boyfriend. We're just having mutual understanding...we can't be. We want to move things forward but it can't happen. We like each other but we can't be...there are some issues why. And to clear things out, no he's not a married man. And no, it's nothing to do with religion, we have the same religion. I don't know the whole reason(if there are other reasons) why is he getting a lot more emotional these past weeks, but I do know that I'm part of it coz we have talked about it. I don't think that he's making depression as an excuse to get rid of me though coz he still wants to see me and to be with me. Two week ago, he suddenly texted me if he can go see me at the university library. And days ago I asked him he would like to join me watch a play at the end of the month even though I know he's not into it...but he said yes and told me that he's not interested to watch but since he wants to be with me, he'll go. There are reasons why we can't be and that's part of his problem right now, plus me. I think he's starting to like me more and more and it's depressing him... so was it the right thing to do? telling him I won't talk to him for the mean time coz he told me he's depressed and I told him that I think it's the best thing to do? it's been 2 days already and am still reevaluating what I have said. Edited July 16, 2013 by kkk
ForeverHopeful1 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 To be honest, you should share a little more of your story, so people can help you. You have eluded to the fact that you cant be together, for whatever reason. You are in the dating/romantic part of this site so I am assuming you two are sleeping together, but aren't actually a couple. WHY cant you be together? Are you in a relationship? Are you married? Is your age a factor? What are the reasons? No one can help you if you don't actually say anything. All you gave us was some of the story and NO details. We cant help people who don't want help. You clearly dont want any help. Sorry. Share more about your situation, and you will receive help. No one knows whether you made the right choice by going no contact with him. I have no idea why you would think running away from someone who is depressed would be the right choice, but maybe it is. When your "friend" needs you the most, you turned your back on him. I would say you made the wrong decision based on what you have shared, but as I said, I don't have any idea what the actual issue is here. 1
pcplod Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 He said I'm making him cry...well I 'know' why he said that and it's not necessary to discuss it here. and he also said that he's confused and more sentimental these past weeks. Well I knew that even before he said it...I know him. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I just told him that I won't be talking to him for the mean time as I think giving him space is the best thing to do... <- but Was it the right thing? I mean, he didn't ask for space but it seems like he doesn't want to talk. Specially online, everytime I go visible, he logs out...happens 3 days ago after he told me that he's depressed. And no, he's not my boyfriend. We're just having mutual understanding...we can't be. We want to move things forward but it can't happen. We like each other but we can't be...there are some issues why. And to clear things out, no he's not a married man. And no, it's nothing to do with religion, we have the same religion. I don't know the whole reason(if there are other reasons) why is he getting a lot more emotional these past weeks, but I do know that I'm part of it coz we have talked about it. I don't think that he's making depression as an excuse to get rid of me though coz he still wants to see me and to be with me. Two week ago, he suddenly texted me if he can go see me at the university library. And days ago I asked him he would like to join me watch a play at the end of the month even though I know he's not into it...but he said yes and told me that he's not interested to watch but since he wants to be with me, he'll go. There are reasons why we can't be and that's part of his problem right now, plus me. I think he's starting to like me more and more and it's depressing him... so was it the right thing to do? telling him I won't talk to him for the mean time coz he told me he's depressed and I told him that I think it's the best thing to do? it's been 2 days already and am still reevaluating what I have said. I have to be candid; Your post is mysterious to the point of ambiguity. However, cutting through all the detail. If 'it' can't happen and will never happen, for whatever reason(s) don't you think the logical conclusion is to do him a favour to cut him completely free by telling him what there is or isn't between you is permanently over? In other words, if the eventual outcome is quite clear now, tell him now. 3
Author kkk Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 There are reasons why we can't be and that's part of his(actually mine too) problem right now, plus me. I think he's starting to like me more and more and it's depressing him(I have actually fallen for him and it makes me sad too coz we know that we can't go further...but as of now, I don't wanna deal with my emotions...I'm more concerned of his.)
Author kkk Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 To be honest, you should share a little more of your story, so people can help you. You have eluded to the fact that you cant be together, for whatever reason. You are in the dating/romantic part of this site so I am assuming you two are sleeping together, but aren't actually a couple. WHY cant you be together? Are you in a relationship? Are you married? Is your age a factor? What are the reasons? No one can help you if you don't actually say anything. All you gave us was some of the story and NO details. We cant help people who don't want help. You clearly dont want any help. Sorry. Share more about your situation, and you will receive help. No one knows whether you made the right choice by going no contact with him. I have no idea why you would think running away from someone who is depressed would be the right choice, but maybe it is. When your "friend" needs you the most, you turned your back on him. I would say you made the wrong decision based on what you have shared, but as I said, I don't have any idea what the actual issue is here. I'm not married...both of us are single. He has a kid. The kid is left to him. And he has problems with falling for someone again as he said that he was deeply hurt by his first love. He was deeply hurt that he changed. And now, I can see him changing back to what he used to be...which is good(for me). but changing back reminds him of the hurt he felt years ago. Plus, I never had a boyfriend as I'm very picky...I actually revealed to him months ago(when we have no feelings for each other yet) that I want to be my first to be my last. And that confuses him right now if he should go further with me. What I have said reminds him of himself when he met his 1st romance...he believed in forever(he thinks that believing in forever is not a mature thinking...as it backfired him years ago). And he thinks that in my case, I need to have a relationship first with another person as he said that the 1st gonna teach you more about life (like what happened to him.) The problem is, he's already falling and hurting...that's why he's confused.
Author kkk Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) I have to be candid; Your post is mysterious to the point of ambiguity. However, cutting through all the detail. If 'it' can't happen and will never happen, for whatever reason(s) don't you think the logical conclusion is to do him a favour to cut him completely free by telling him what there is or isn't between you is permanently over? In other words, if the eventual outcome is quite clear now, tell him now. It's even hard for me to quit coz I'm already falling and hurting to...it came out of the blue. I thought I was cautious enough not to fall...but... and there's still a possibility that we can be but not now... Edited July 16, 2013 by kkk
pcplod Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 It's even hard for me to quit coz I'm already falling and hurting to...it came out of the blue. I thought I was cautious enough not to fall...but... and there's still a possibility that we can be but not now... Do the kind thing and cut him loose. Do it kindly, do it with empathy, put him before yourself. To keep him on hook would just be cruel. Take a deep breath, focus on the rationality of the situation, set your feelings to one side and simply do what you know you have to do. Clean break, no looking back. Explain it in those terms if you have to, need to. Explain it in terms of it is the situation, not him, not you. As the old saying goes "Those who are in love are not always destined to stay together".
RonaldS Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Maybe he's just not comfortable wearing a white sheet over his head. 1
Author kkk Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Maybe he's just not comfortable wearing a white sheet over his head. what do you mean?
Addison312 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 maybe he's just not comfortable wearing a white sheet over his head. hahaha!!!!
sdraw108 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 what do you mean? A reference to your username, I would assume.
New User Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Maybe he's just not comfortable wearing a white sheet over his head. That. Was awesome. what do you mean? I'd have to assume that you're not from the states. Here, the initials KKK stand for Ku Klux Klan. Not the most reputable organization- mostly known for wearing sheets and hoods and burning crosses in the yards of various ethnicities that they don't like.
TaraMaiden Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 ...And if you ARE from the USA... well..... I'll be honest with you: the guy is already pi$$ing me off. So much drama....! He has decided you can't be together right now, not you. He's so bound-up by his emotions (real, imaginary, feared and without foundation) that really, he's just being a drama queen. Tell him to grow a spine, quit being a wimp and get to grips with the fact that you - are not his ex. You - are you. And he does you an enormous disservice if he plumps you into the same group of 'untrustworthy' as her. Bloody cheek! He's just making excuses to not commit. He's not into this, too much like hard work for him. Jeesh... just distance yourself and find someone who treats you as you deserve! 1
Author kkk Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 (edited) ...And if you ARE from the USA... well..... I'll be honest with you: the guy is already pi$$ing me off. So much drama....! He has decided you can't be together right now, not you. He's so bound-up by his emotions (real, imaginary, feared and without foundation) that really, he's just being a drama queen. Tell him to grow a spine, quit being a wimp and get to grips with the fact that you - are not his ex. You - are you. And he does you an enormous disservice if he plumps you into the same group of 'untrustworthy' as her. Bloody cheek! He's just making excuses to not commit. He's not into this, too much like hard work for him. Jeesh... just distance yourself and find someone who treats you as you deserve! woah...this is the best response I've ever read O_O It's clear, direct to the point. Thanks! I'll distance myself... I don't even think I have anything else to do :/ even though it's hard for me (because I liked him years before I found out he likes me too-felt like a dream come true hehe), still I don't think he's in the right mind. I'm not a desperate person plus he's confusing. Yes, I don't think he's ready for a commitment coz he asked me before(a week before the drama) to be his gf then I replied that I have to think about it(coz I know that we can't be, so even though I really like him, I need to reevaluate things that he has said before saying yes/no)...then by the time that I have thought about it, and felt like he's ready, but then that's the time he withdrawn and became emo -_-. Tsk, I fell for his intelligence(he's a really smart guy like wow) but then now I realized, he got issues...oh well. Trial and error, eh? Maybe I'll just remain to be his 'friend'...volunteer to be in the friendzone...strange kind of friendzone haha. I'm used to it. And if he'll leave, it's okay...I'm used to people who come to my life, make me care and then check out. and no, I'm not from the US...well I'm an immigrant but still I need to know more of the country xD oh yeah sorry for my bad English I think my sentence construction is still understandable though Edited July 18, 2013 by kkk
New User Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 ...... oh yeah sorry for my bad English I think my sentence construction is still understandable though You're doing better than the average twenty year old who grew up here using text-speak.
ScreamingTrees Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I really don't understand.. He expressed the desire to be with you.. What invisible force was stopping you two from being together? Isn't it really just your decision to not go along with his desire to be with you? So what did you come here for? You already had your answer, it's nobody's fault really, you just didn't want to be with him when he reached out to you. I don't see how he's necessarily trying not to commit or being lazy when the OP is saying he already tried to get her into a relationship with her. Maybe being a drama queen, but the guy admits he was naive and had his heart crushed and figured he wouldn't be someone who'd teach her anything of value.. Sort of a stupid way of thinking, but that's all I'm getting from OP's words?
Author kkk Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 (edited) I really don't understand.. He expressed the desire to be with you.. What invisible force was stopping you two from being together? Isn't it really just your decision to not go along with his desire to be with you? So what did you come here for? You already had your answer, it's nobody's fault really, you just didn't want to be with him when he reached out to you. I don't see how he's necessarily trying not to commit or being lazy when the OP is saying he already tried to get her into a relationship with her. Maybe being a drama queen, but the guy admits he was naive and had his heart crushed and figured he wouldn't be someone who'd teach her anything of value.. Sort of a stupid way of thinking, but that's all I'm getting from OP's words? actually he wants to move things forward then withdraws, move things forward then withdraws...I really have no idea how to deal with it. :/ As one time I told him what he's doing is not right and confusing blah blah blah, he then accused me of making him cry. Well I understand why he said that coz I sound like preaching him in which I shouldn't be. yeah, stupid way of thinking -_- he's thinking that I'm too young and just like everybody else. It's quite painful, you know. I mean he thinks of me that way!? then why in the first place he let himself fall for me! Now he's having a hard time. I'm havin a hard time as well but I'm more concerned of his emotions right now. The last time I saw him like this is like 5 years ago...before he changed to a tough(more like numb) dude. Edited July 18, 2013 by kkk 1
ScreamingTrees Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 actually he wants to move things forward then withdraws, move things forward then withdraws...I really have no idea how to deal with it. :/ As one time I told him what he's doing is not right and confusing blah blah blah, he then accused me of making him cry. Well I understand why he said that coz I sound like preaching him in which I shouldn't be. yeah, stupid way of thinking -_- he's thinking that I'm too young and just like everybody else. It's quite painful, you know. I mean he thinks of me that way!? then why in the first place he let himself fall for me! Now he's having a hard time. I'm havin a hard time as well but I'm more concerned of his emotions right now. The last time I saw him like this is like 5 years ago...before he changed to a tough(more like numb) dude. Sounds like he's going to self-destruct and act like a drama queen regardless. Don't feel so bad, you can't really help him, the problem is not you.. Hope you have better luck in the future.
Author kkk Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 (edited) Yeah, just like the saying 'you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.' I just texted him if he's still depressed and if he needs someone to talk to, I'm his friend. The ball is now on his court. Edited July 18, 2013 by kkk
Author kkk Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 You're doing better than the average twenty year old who grew up here using text-speak. haha well, I don't even know what text speak is Well, I'm 20 so I'll just take that compliment lol.
TaraMaiden Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Yeah, just like the saying 'you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.' I just texted him if he's still depressed and if he needs someone to talk to, I'm his friend. The ball is now on his court. This is a bad idea. You are not his therapist, you are not his counsellor, you cannot fix him. But he sounds to me like the kind of person who will 'lean on you' for support, and expect you to be there to help him through his (imagined) crisis, but be reluctant to give you much in return. Be careful you don't get sucked into being his 'shoulder to cry on' and that he doesn't begin to use you for sex and as a "problem-bag". You know..."Here's my problem, I've off-loaded it onto you, you carry it for me, worry about it and suggest solutions.... I'm okay with you taking responsibility, because now I don't have to." That's known as an "Emotional vampire." You will definitely know he is one, when he tells you his problems, you give him a perfectly good, workable and feasible solution, he agrees - but then does the complete opposite, and still keeps moaning and complaining when things go wrong. I could be completely mistaken. But I hope you don't put yourself in any kind of position of finding out that I'm right..... 1
dasein Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Any man who says you are making him cry needs to be left alone to cry... permanently. Good luck moving on to better options.
pcplod Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Any man who says you are making him cry needs to be left alone to cry... permanently. Good luck moving on to better options. Well, that is pretty well dried and cut, isn't it? No 'ifs', 'buts', or 'maybes'. Flee for the hills. Take your tin helmet and body armour with you.
pcplod Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 OP, you started off making it sound as if it couldn't happen because of your decision, now you make it sound as if it is because of his decision. Is it one, or the other, both or neither? Frankly I am totally confused and I sure am glad that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. What about you? Do you have any serious idea what the hell is going on or is your vagueness around the subject not because you don't want to discuss it publicly but because you don't know what it is you would be discussing? You say that he is rejecting you because you are so young. I think you could interpret that as being "not yet mature enough". In other words, it's about emotional age, not chronological age, and he is maybe being circumspect in how he puts that to you. And when you say he is crying, do you mean he has tears welling up in his eyes when you discuss the subject because it is an emotional topic or is he literally bawling his eyes out? If he was completely disapassionate about the subject I would suggest that might not be the most positive indicator either.
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