We've been together for 5yrs but he cheated on me 3yrs ago. How do we move on?

[Curious_imp]

I know this isn't technically a marital problem, but because my boyfriend and I have been together for so long, I feel it's pretty serious.

 

I've just found out my boyfriend of five years cheated on me nearly three years ago with a one-night-stand. I found out because an up-till-now dormant STD developed symptoms. He wouldn't have told me otherwise - it would have destroyed our relationship at the time as it was already rocky.

 

Although there were circumstances at the time which basically pointed to him feeling pretty bad about our relationship and his life in general, he's honest about the fact that there's no excuse and that he doesn't deserve to be with me. He knows he should have told me at the time. He said it made him realise how much he really wanted to be with me at the time and is the biggest mistake he's ever made in his life. He's in pretty bad shape about the whole thing because of guilt and anger at himself for treating me so badly. He's in a worse state than me if truth be told.

 

There's a part of me that's glad about this. I want him to suffer for what he's risked.

 

At the same time, our relationship now is much better than it was back then and we were extremely happy before I found out about the one-night-stand. Before this came out, we'd been talking about marriage.

 

I don't want to be one of those gullible women who take their man back out of fear of being on their own - but surely everyone is allowed to make one mistake?

 

There were/are so many good things about our relationship now that I wouldn't want to dump him because of something that happened so long ago. I want us to stay together but I don't know how I can ever trust him again.

 

I want him to make up for this huge mistake but how could he begin to?

 

Has anyone else been in this kind of situation who could offer me advice? I want to be able to stick with the relationship but I really don't know how to feel at this point - or how I'll feel in the future.

[StillHurtin]

I am sorry you are going through this. Do you honestly know if you can trust him again? My dh (married 12 years) had an A w/ a co-worker during our seperation/divorce (we got back 2gether, long story) and I still find it hard to trust him and we have been back 2gether for over a year. Do I think I made a mistake taking him back? Yes, and no. I still love him but I don't trust him. I use to trust him w/ all my heart but now, I have a hard time. If he works late I drive 8 miles to go find out if his truck is there. And yes, he has caught me checking up on him. He wasn't angry, and if he were, innocent or not, I would be angry and start ?'ing him why he is so defensive.

You both need to go to counseling to find out if this relationship is worth saving.

[supermom]

You just found out - even if it was three years ago, its fresh to you now. i was in a similar situation with my husband and it hurt like it just happened. I didn't know until a year afterwards, but it was fresh to me.

 

Only time will tell if you can trust him again. I have learned to trust my husband again but I cannot forget.

 

Good luck