Jade 230 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) *Sorry for the messed-up title, I'm not sure how to fix it! I am at a point where I have absolutely no idea how to feel. I went to Europe on a Student exchange half a year ago. A month before I was supposed to leave back home, I met an Italian guy who I fell completely head over heels with. We officially began dating while we were still there, and I even moved into his apartment. Before we left, we made plans to see each other during the summer- I told him that I would come to Milan to visit and he even offered to pay my ticket. The only problem was that while I was going back home at the end of the semester, he was spending an additional semester in the exchange program. I was nervous about this because I knew he would be in a promiscuous environment where he would have many opportunities to meet other girls, so I told him that I wanted to take it slow and get to know him a bit more in the summer. Half a month after I got back, he messaged me and said that he was going to come visit me in my home country in a month from then because he couldn’t wait to see me – I was ecstatic. I couldn’t believe how in love I was with this guy. It didn’t take long for everything to fall apart after that. He became more distant and cold towards me until I got a text a month later saying that he was already sleeping with other girls and that our future plans to see each other were cancelled. While I was glad that he told me sooner rather than later on, I was completely devastated. It was hard enough to accept that he had moved onto other women so quickly, but it was somehow even worse to know that he didn’t want me to see him. He told me that while he didn’t want a future with me, but still wanted to maintain contact. I really thought he was lying about that to make me feel better about the situation, but it turns out be wasn’t. In the three months that followed the incident he messaged me anywhere from once a week to once every three weeks. Most of the time it was to talk about random things, but he would also tell me constantly how much me missed me. I never texted him first or encouraged his comments, but they appeared to be getting more intimate regardless. It escalated to a point where one day I confronted him and asked him what he wanted from me. He responded that he messaged me whenever he thought about me and that he did not want to cut me out of his life, but basically said that I should move on. I told him that I wanted to keep in touch but I felt that he was leading me on. He was very understanding and didn’t text me for two months after that. When he got back to Italy those two months later, the messages started coming again. I am planning on staying in Europe 6 months from now because I want to improve some of the languages I’ve been learning, but I hadn’t told him anything about it. When I finally did after he asked me about my post-graduation plans, he immediately said that he would come see me and how excited he was to do so. He even re-invited me to come see him in Milan, which I have not yet accepted. In the following three weeks, he messaged me three times for random conversation and to confirm the dates for next year, which makes me believe that he really is coming. The texts have now become more frequent – he has reached out to me 6 times in less than a month and a half. He has asked me if I am seeing anyone right now. He even asked to Skype with me, saying that he wants to hear my accent when I speak Italian (another offer I have not yet accepted – I guess I’m bitter). I kind of feel like he’s using that as an excuse to get back into my life. I’m wondering if he has regretted his decision to end our relationship but has too much pride to admit it. I have also considered the possibility that I’m being strung along by a guy who knows I still have feelings for him and uses it to boost his ego or possibly even that he has serious commitment issues. I just don’t know what to think. Another problem is that despite the fact that I don’t believe I am still in love with him, I still have feelings for him. But after being betrayed, I don’t know if that would be enough to make it work between us because I can’t even trust him anymore. So if he wants me back, does he really deserve it? Does it seem like he even wants me back? Or should I stop responding? Edited July 16, 2013 by Jade 230
hoping2heal Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 To be honest with you... I think the fact that he is so flighty and lacks self control would stamp out any positives of a reconciliation. He for sure wanted you before the break up and he still slept with other women. I think you're wasting your time and your emotions on an immature and childish boy who is impulsive and driven by his own needs. I would drop this punk like a bad habit because it's only masochistic of you at this point to keep something that will be a source of continual pain. 1
Author Jade 230 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Thank you for your insight. A part of me already knew that, but it's been so difficult getting over him - especially since he's had such an active presence in my life since everything happened.
kelly_wandering Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I have to agree with the other reply - I think you're doing the right thing by not responding. He wants you because he can't have you, and the minute he can, he'll probably do the exact same thing to you again. Something I learned the hard way is that lasting love comes from a man who DOESN'T toy with your emotions. If he truly loves you, he'd never want to hurt you. His behaviour shows that he thinks more of himself than you.
hoping2heal Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Thank you for your insight. A part of me already knew that, but it's been so difficult getting over him - especially since he's had such an active presence in my life since everything happened. This is why many people advocate going no-contact. It makes it easier not having to be reminded of that person all of the time and not to mention it helps you adjust to resuming life without them in your life. It's for healing; though some people try to use it for manipulation but that isn't it's intended purpose. I would really consider cutting him out completely so you can finally move on and put your focus on someone who is going to care about you; not just how you can make them feel. 1
hoping2heal Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I have to agree with the other reply - I think you're doing the right thing by not responding. He wants you because he can't have you, and the minute he can, he'll probably do the exact same thing to you again. Something I learned the hard way is that lasting love comes from a man who DOESN'T toy with your emotions. If he truly loves you, he'd never want to hurt you. His behaviour shows that he thinks more of himself than you. Exactly!! I couldn't have said it better myself. Anyone can say I love, most anyone can form feelings of attatchment but having a respect and awareness for the other person and their feelings is major.
Author Jade 230 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) I definitely agree about having no contact after this experience. I want to clarify that the first five months after he left me, I hadn't make any attempts to contact him. In the 6th, I only made one. In contrast, he has messaged me 15-20 times on separate occasions. When I was at my lowest, I felt that hearing from him was helping me. Now I think it just prolonged my pain. I'm still struggling to understand what he is getting out of this, though. I've never had a guy do this to me before. Thank you for your opinions! Edited July 17, 2013 by Jade 230
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