Ex contacted me after 40 days NC

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

You believed his words?

 

Why not wait for the actions to prove and earn your trust and love? Just a thought. Good luck.

[lonegirl]

I had a friend who lived the same as you!! The man managed to keep her on his track for 10 whole years of her life, always with this thing about not being ready and that he had special feelings for her... she discovered he had 5 other girls he was doing the same. He NEVER commited to any of them.

[Soat]

You are right. I usually give myself in completely

I really hope we can work things out, I feel so grateful we are giving it a try again!

 

Yeah you're not exactly holding out or taking things slow if you sexed him the same day he "claimed his everlasting love for you" and "you've changed him forever." Personally I would be very very very cautious here

[Brown-Eyez]

Great post! I couldn't agree more. When I'm on dating sites I think it's odd when I see a women in her late 30's plus never being married or having kids. Match.Com has TONS of women in their 40's that have never been married,no kids, etc.. I pay them ZERO attention. Sorry, I just think somethings wrong there. I've spoken to other dates who say the same thing about men who are the same.

 

Marriage is not the standard anymore...alot of people have long co-cohabiting relationships but OLD sites do not offer that as an option to check..you are missing out by not giving these people a chance.

[DresdenKing]

You are right, he is just playing games. Time to move on.

 

I also agree on not getting phisical again until a full commitment is offered.

Then we spent a lovely day and later had sex at his hotel: I cannot describe how amazing it was being back with him..

So we are officially back, the guy afraid of commitment is my boyfriend! I know that it is not going to be easy, but I am really confident that we will manage to find our way.

 

Confident or deluded?

 

This thread tells the tale of an emotional instability roller coaster that BOTH parties are on.

 

Captain Hook is playing you, Tinkerbell. Fly away, or eventually he will...

 

...again.

[BC1980]

I think this guy deserves a chance to show he has changed. OP should be cautious for a few months at least, but it says a lot that he was humble and admitted he changed his mind.

[Tinkerbelll]

I appreciate your thoughts.

It seems to me that there are different opinions, like 'people don't change overnight', 'he is just playing you', 'he deserves a second chance',etc..I respect all of them, because there is truth in all those statements.

I decided to meet him after more than three months of NC on my side, I never called, emailed, texted him. I kept the stuff(mainly gifts) because I didn't want to break NC.

I decided to see him because I felt I was strong enough to do that, and because this time I am the one who is not not sure he is the right guy for me.

I know that there are chances that it won't work out, but I am willing to take the risk.

[BC1980]

I think you have a good head on your shoulders. You stayed NC for 3 months. That is difficult when you want to be with someone. I think what happened was that he saw you meant business and you weren't willing to compromise on wanting an exclusive relationship and a family. So he, in the end, decided it was worth it.

 

I think he deserves a second chance. We all make mistakes. Just maintain control and don't give in too easily. Mainly, I would not be more vulnerable with him than he is with you for a few months just to protect yourself.

 

You did a difficult thing by staying NC for that long. Don't blow it now by letting him have you back so quickly and easily. Let him work to prove himself. Of course, don't tell him to do that, but he knows he needs to be humble right now.

[lovesucks76]

I appreciate your thoughts.

It seems to me that there are different opinions, like 'people don't change overnight', 'he is just playing you', 'he deserves a second chance',etc..I respect all of them, because there is truth in all those statements.

I decided to meet him after more than three months of NC on my side, I never called, emailed, texted him. I kept the stuff(mainly gifts) because I didn't want to break NC.

I decided to see him because I felt I was strong enough to do that, and because this time I am the one who is not not sure he is the right guy for me.

I know that there are chances that it won't work out, but I am willing to take the risk.

 

Tinkerbell, You were strong for 3 months of NC. You resisted many attempts at breadcrumbs from him and you only agreed to meet under your terms. Kudos for all those things. How does it feel? I'm currently being haunted by the breadcrumbs....It's a text every other day "how are you?". I just want to throw my damn phone in the garbage but at the same time I want to pick it up and respond....I know I can't BUT these breadcrumbs have a tendency to bring you back to the day after BU. I remember that day very well. I couldn't eat, sleep or do anything. The thing is I didn't tell anyone what had happened...I was in shock and suffering alone. We were on a date and I was excited to see her but when we met I knew something was off...it makes sick just thinking about it. After 23 days post BU I still miss her like crazy but I'm not sure I want to go back unless things change. I told her I was done chasing her and now she's chasing me but hasn't said the magic words "I screwed up, I love you and want you back. Until then I sit here and go on with my life.

 

Happy there's a happy ending for you here. Guard your heart and enjoy it. You deserve it!

[Tinkerbelll]

Tinkerbell, You were strong for 3 months of NC. You resisted many attempts at breadcrumbs from him and you only agreed to meet under your terms. Kudos for all those things. How does it feel? I'm currently being haunted by the breadcrumbs....It's a text every other day "how are you?". I just want to throw my damn phone in the garbage but at the same time I want to pick it up and respond....I know I can't BUT these breadcrumbs have a tendency to bring you back to the day after BU. I remember that day very well. I couldn't eat, sleep or do anything. The thing is I didn't tell anyone what had happened...I was in shock and suffering alone. We were on a date and I was excited to see her but when we met I knew something was off...it makes sick just thinking about it. After 23 days post BU I still miss her like crazy but I'm not sure I want to go back unless things change. I told her I was done chasing her and now she's chasing me but hasn't said the magic words "I screwed up, I love you and want you back. Until then I sit here and go on with my life.

 

Happy there's a happy ending for you here. Guard your heart and enjoy it. You deserve it!

 

Well, the whole NC is not easy, since you never know if they contact you many times because time made them realize your worth, or if it just a game in which the dumper cannot stand being ignored.

My story is that the guy one day just disappeared, so if you have a minimum of self confidence it is easy to ignore them when they contact you again after weeks!

My advice is :ignore EVERYTHING that is bull**** like 'how are u' 'this reminded me of us' 'I miss u' etc..

Never answer, let them wonder what you are up to

I always follow the strict Caliguy guide.

Honestly, the best advice is to move on, set some goals for your life, most importantly try to spend your time with people that love you and try to know new people.

I will try to give updates on my situation since I know it is not going to be easy.

[lovesucks76]

Thanks. I wish you the best and hope your guy realizes how special you are and is back for REAL this time. You have to have some faith and slowly build that trust back up to where it was before the split. He also needs to explain he's reasoning for not contacting you for so long and how he went about the BU. Communication is key for any relationship.

 

AS far as my girl....I'm not holding my breath about her. It's a very complicated story and she's a very cautious person just about everything she does. Very measured! She's an engineer so she's very analytical about things which drives me crazy sometimes. I wish she was more spontaneous. I'm the free loving kind. I grew up surrounded by great support and a great family so I love openly and freely. Unfortunately for her...this attracted her and also freaked her out. She's not used to people like me and I understand. BUT I hate games and never meant to play any from the beginning with her. NC feels like a game now but I do understand the reasons behind it. It's a good time for me to reflect and grow. I feel stronger now but also still miss her like crazy. I wish I could quit her sometimes. I just want to stop having these feelings since I'm not sure it will ever work between us. I'm also super scared of going back and being back to where we were. Tough choices.... I'm still hurting from the BU and uncertain about a lot of things. Is it worth patching things up? Not sure yet but I know I miss and love her more than anyone I've ever loved before. And yes, I'm also in my 30's and have had many other relationships and nothing came close to this. It's the real thing. Thanks!

[PlumPrincess]

I kind of believe that you sleeping with him so fast assured him that despite your insistence on commitment you were still very much into him and that you were only holding out for him to change his mind. A happy ending would be great, but I guess, I just think he is a manipulative sleazebag...

[Zahara]

I said I agreed to meet him because NOW i felt I was in control of myself, warning him that NOW I was the one who was not sure he's was the one for me.

Then we spent a lovely day and later had sex at his hotel: I cannot describe how amazing it was being back with him..

 

When you tell a guy that you're not sure if he is the one for you, then sleep with him on your first meeting without him even showing you any effort that he IS the guy for you, without him even showing change and that he is fully committed, you've basically just shown him that you're still into him hook, line and sinker. And he's not stupid. He now knows he has you.

 

The fact that you mentioned how amazing it was back being back with him, completely nullifies you mentioning that you aren't sure if he is the one for you because lets be honest, he is. Throwing out that he may not be the one for you was just a power play.

 

Tread carefully. If I were you, I'd casually date him. Keep sex on the backburner for now, for your own good.

Edited August 26, 2013 by Zahara

[Tinkerbelll]

I appreciate your advice, really..

About the sex..this is not about playing games anymore, it's about being myself.

I don't want to seduce him again or hold myself anymore. It wouldn't be me, and I am not willing to compromise on that. We had sex so many times in the past that for me it would feel unnatural to be with him and not do that, even if I know he would respect that.

In these months I thought a lot about my behaviour in the relationship, I regret mainly behaving like I was selling myself all the time. I had to be the best I could all the time, always very femenine, nicely dressed and always smiling.

When I had huge problems,you remember my story, everything fell apart.

These months have been really though, somehow I think I deserve something very good in exchange.

In these months I was able to accomplish a lot of things, improve my career, change my attitude towards people and things.

When I met my ex, it seemed to me that he really missed what we had, and now we are both motivated to make things work.

We are spending the next we together, at the moment

[Tinkerbelll]

Just wanted to give a quick update on my situation.

So far, things have been good overall.

We have been talking daily and we spent another nice weekend together at the sea: we went to the beach, ride bicicles, had dinner and drinks.

We have been talking as well about us. I feel good and hopeful for the future.

I am not saying things are easy, but he seems more mature to me now.

I don't trust him completely, so I am giving myself more time on my own to see other people until I will feel more confident about the relationship.

I would like to stress that I was feeling good when we met again, and I had lost hope we would get back together.

I agree that NC is the best therapy, I did it for more than 3 months, always ignoring his breadcrumbs (this was the worst part). I focused on trying to improve myself in this difficult journey, trying to meet new people and becoming more centered on my job; spending time with true friends that love me as I am was what helped me most though.

Never lose hope that things are going to be good again, or even better

[hopefulfaerie]

Great post! I couldn't agree more. When I'm on dating sites I think it's odd when I see a women in her late 30's plus never being married or having kids. Match.Com has TONS of women in their 40's that have never been married,no kids, etc.. I pay them ZERO attention. Sorry, I just think somethings wrong there. I've spoken to other dates who say the same thing about men who are the same.

Oh no! Not to hijack this thread but I really hope most men don't really believe that!

 

I am 41. Never been married because the first time I was engaged, I got gigs (my fault, I was young) the second, he cheated (couldn't get past it) and the third he was abusive so I ended it. I also was pregnant three years ago with twin girls and lost them at 5 months.

So if I had settled with #1

accepted cheating with #2

or put up with abuse from #3 and not miscarried my twins....THEN I would be worthy of a look on a dating site?

I feel sick! I have SO much to offer a man! I have never cheated in my life! REALLY!

It's scary that if I had settled or put up with crap and have been divorced by now.....that is more acceptable?

Sorry (my tone is NOT bitchy!) :)

I guess I'm just a little floored that because a woman was never married and I am not a single mother that's somehow bad.

[BC1980]

Just wanted to give a quick update on my situation.

So far, things have been good overall.

We have been talking daily and we spent another nice weekend together at the sea: we went to the beach, ride bicicles, had dinner and drinks.

We have been talking as well about us. I feel good and hopeful for the future.

I am not saying things are easy, but he seems more mature to me now.

I don't trust him completely, so I am giving myself more time on my own to see other people until I will feel more confident about the relationship.

I would like to stress that I was feeling good when we met again, and I had lost hope we would get back together.

I agree that NC is the best therapy, I did it for more than 3 months, always ignoring his breadcrumbs (this was the worst part). I focused on trying to improve myself in this difficult journey, trying to meet new people and becoming more centered on my job; spending time with true friends that love me as I am was what helped me most though.

Never lose hope that things are going to be good again, or even better

 

Good for you both. Just don't give too much for the first few months to see if he is serious. Protect yourself. Sometimes, second chances are worth it, and only you can make that decision.

[BC1980]

Oh no! Not to hijack this thread but I really hope most men don't really believe that!

 

I am 41. Never been married because the first time I was engaged, I got gigs (my fault, I was young) the second, he cheated (couldn't get past it) and the third he was abusive so I ended it. I also was pregnant three years ago with twin girls and lost them at 5 months.

So if I had settled with #1

accepted cheating with #2

or put up with abuse from #3 and not miscarried my twins....THEN I would be worthy of a look on a dating site?

I feel sick! I have SO much to offer a man! I have never cheated in my life! REALLY!

It's scary that if I had settled or put up with crap and have been divorced by now.....that is more acceptable?

Sorry (my tone is NOT bitchy!) :)

I guess I'm just a little floored that because a woman was never married and I am not a single mother that's somehow bad.

 

Agreed. That is a terrible generalization.

[hopefulfaerie]

Agreed. That is a terrible generalization.

Thank you! (breathing a sigh of relief!)

[Tinkerbelll]

We have been seeing each other for almost one month, so far.

We can see each other only during weekends, since we live quite far one from the other.

Things have been good overall, I would say pleasant.

We enjoyed our free time hanging out, going to the beach, met with some friends of him also.

Neverthless, I am now questioning again everything.

Going back with him was a great effort on my part, and somehow I expected things to be perfect, which of course are not.

Honestly, I feel like we are back as we were before the BU, just sharing relaxing weekends but going on with our lives the rest of the week.

Maybe it' about the LDR, but in the end no plans have been made for us, we will go on living each in our own cities.

No "I love you' has been said.

We argued last week because I pretended to have at least one phone call with him per day, but several times he was busy with family or friends and we couldn't talk.

But what really made me upset was finding out that a woman he was dating is chatting with him daily, and he didn't tell her about us, explaining me that they are just friends and that he doesn't feel like sharing his relationship status with her.

I know I am the one he loves,but all these little things are upsetting me, and most of all I don't want any more drama in my life.

Need advice.

[Zahara]

But what really made me upset was finding out that a woman he was dating is chatting with him daily, and he didn't tell her about us, explaining me that they are just friends and that he doesn't feel like sharing his relationship status with her.

 

He doesn't feel like sharing his relationship status isn't an excuse. It's either in his mind he doesn't believe he is in a relationship with you or it's because he doesn't want to let her know he's in a relationship just so he has that option open. Or it's a passive way in letting you know you both aren't in a relationship.

 

You mention you are LDR. Do you know if he's dating on those days you don't see each other? When you decided to reconcile, did you talk about exclusivity? What are your expectations?

 

If someone loves you, they don't keep you dangling on a string. You need to stop romanticizing this. If he loved you, he wouldn't need to hide you.

[lauri]

He doesn't feel like sharing his relationship status isn't an excuse. It's either in his mind he doesn't believe he is in a relationship with you or it's because he doesn't want to let her know he's in a relationship just so he has that option open. Or it's a passive way in letting you know you both aren't in a relationship.

 

You mention you are LDR. Do you know if he's dating on those days you don't see each other? When you decided to reconcile, did you talk about exclusivity? What are your expectations?

 

If someone loves you, they don't keep you dangling on a string. You need to stop romanticizing this. If he loved you, he wouldn't need to hide you.

 

I agree with what Zahara said. If someone truly loves you, they won't do anything to hurt you or dangle you along. As a guy, when I'm committed to someone (for better or worse), I'm loyal and I don't involve other women in my life that I know want more than friendship with me. Perhaps that's showing TOO MUCH commitment to the wrong girls sometimes but that is just the way I am.

 

Just think of what you will do for someone you love and how you would make them feel. Make sure he respects you, cares for you and doesn't do anything to hurt you.