Ex contacted me after 40 days NC

[Tinkerbelll]

Tinkerbell,

 

I know how hard is to ignore his breadcrumbs and you are an extremely strong woman.

What do you think of him after this 2 months NC? Are you still willing to start something again? Have you been dating?

Keep in mind he wants things his terms, not yours. You can still try again and let him know what do you want, and see if he gives in...

BUT yo also have to keep in mind he might have been seeing other women all this time and perhaps this is a period when he's alone and wants sex...

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now...ugh.

 

Well, I dated some guys lately, something happened but I was not involved.

He is having sex with other women for sure, no question about that, his style: a different one every night. I don't care about that because I know it is just sex for him, no feelings at all.

I know I should move on but I must admit that a part of me still dreams about the second chance. Even if I ignore him now, I still think about him every day and every time he sends me a text it's a little setback. I really admire people that can block the dumper on the phone or move their email to the trash folder without looking. I am not that strong, I really want to listen and know what he was in mind. Somehow, I think we left things in medias res and I would need to see him again and get my closure, even if I know that there can't be any.

I really have mixed feeling right now, part of me want to give it a try, part of me is unsure if I still love him because he left me that way. It's like I lost some respect of him in this journey. On the other hand I am questioning my request for engagement, we had been together only 6 months in LDR so I understand his concerns.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Tinkerbelll

[Zahara]

UPDATE. So he phoned me again asking to meet. I couldn't resist the urge of inquiring about what he had in mind and warned him: after what had happened I was not willing just to give it a try, I would only consider a commitment from his side.

He said he knew I want to have my family and marry but that at this moment he couldn't think about a serious commitment or give assurances, he just had special feeling towards me (love was never mentioned).

Well,I don't know, but I didn't feel like meeting him with the risk of going back to square one. Maybe I was too coward, but as someone pointed out I couldn't live with the fear he would disappear again without saying even goodbye. Tonight I am sad.

 

Listen to what is on his mind? Tinkerbell, he just told you a few weeks ago. Less than a month ago he told you that he couldn't think about a serious commitment or give assurances. Nothing has changed in a month. READ THE ABOVE.

 

These guys will keep trying to push YOUR buttons to get what THEY want. In his mind, everything he said, remains the same. NOTHING has changed. His persistence is his way of pushing you to change your mind. He's not as emotional as you are so he doesn't see the issue of doing this all over again. He can walk away when the relationship is causing him discomfort, you can't. And he did exactly that. He disappeared on you. When he starts to freak out again when you start to want more, he'll do it again because the issues will reappear. They just don't go away within weeks. And he won't feel guilty about leaving because he was honest with you in how he felt, you were the one that chose to allow him in again.

 

Please stay away from this guy. You will get pulled in again and it won't be any different. You're just setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Zahara

[Lei Ping]

This forum has made a lot for me in the past, so I am back again asking for wise advice

I am now 35 and have been dating him for six months. He's ten years older than me, never married and workaholic,the typical guy who says at the beginning that is not interested in anything serious.

 

We have been knowing each others for years, nothing happened in the past, we were just friends.Then we met for dinner while I was in his town for businness and we started dating. Since then we had been seeing each other almost every weekend, not easily since we live in two different cities.

 

He never told we were exlcusive and I never asked, I just took it for granted.

 

He would behave like he was my boyfriend, seeing me regularly and planning things together, like going on holidays together.

After 6 months I had huge problems at work, since I had finished my contract and I was not sure they would hire me again.

Secondly, a family member was diagnosed with cancer.

SUmmarizing, it was a tough moment and I reacted being very difficult to handle, very emotional and getting angry for stupid things.

 

I was also upset because I couldn't feel him to support me at all. In the end, one day he just stopped calling and disappeared without any notice. I soon realized that he wouldn't go back and began NC.

 

Of course it was hard, since he left me when I most needed someone by my side.

Eventually, after 40 days of NC, on my birthday I was expecting some breadcrumbs, so when he called me I didn't pick up he phone.

He then sent me a text saying that he had been thinking about me every day and that we would like to meet me if I agree to.

I replied that I would listen what he had to tell me: in the end I never knew what he had on his mind when he left me and I wanted to know.

 

So he called me and basically said that he never felt for someone what he felt for me and that scared him and that's why he went away. That in that moment I was too emotional and difficult to handle. That I had been talking about wanting kids while at that moment he was not ready.Then asked me if we could meet to talk.

I was unwilling at first for many reasons, but now I am wondering if after all this time he is ready for commitment.

 

What do you think? Thanks for your help

Let's review.

 

• You "start dating" a guy whom you've known for years
  
• He "acts" like a boyfriend
  
• Neither of you claim exclusivity
  
• You saw one another almost every weekend and travel occasionally
  

These are the qualities of a FB relationship. It's fun, loose and easy and a great way for the two of you to wind down after a stressful work week.

 

Everything's going great until you went "Kirk-out" on him in reaction to events affecting your life which he neither caused nor controlled.

 

He doesn't need the aggravation and goes back to life-before-you until you snap out of it.

 

Now you want to use his feelings for you to commit an act of Romance Terrorism by insisting that he sign on to a higher level of commitment up to and including having Children?

 

This Guy (FB) of yours sounds like a really nice Guy but if he's got a lick of sense he will walk away from your demands and place you back into the "Friend Zone".

 

He was never your "BF". He was your lover and companion (weekends only) and you wanted to make it into more with or without his agreement so you sprinkle a heaping dose of emotional instability into the mix to see what happens. Well, what happened is what happens and if this Guy doesn't walk away from you he'll resent you for it later.

[PlumPrincess]

Well, I dated some guys lately, something happened but I was not involved.

He is having sex with other women for sure, no question about that, his style: a different one every night. I don't care about that because I know it is just sex for him, no feelings at all.

I know I should move on but I must admit that a part of me still dreams about the second chance. Even if I ignore him now, I still think about him every day and every time he sends me a text it's a little setback. I really admire people that can block the dumper on the phone or move their email to the trash folder without looking. I am not that strong, I really want to listen and know what he was in mind. Somehow, I think we left things in medias res and I would need to see him again and get my closure, even if I know that there can't be any.

I really have mixed feeling right now, part of me want to give it a try, part of me is unsure if I still love him because he left me that way. It's like I lost some respect of him in this journey. On the other hand I am questioning my request for engagement, we had been together only 6 months in LDR so I understand his concerns.

What, he's sleeping with different women every night? You do realize that a guy who is into you and wants you back is not thinking about other women, because he is very busy setting up clever plans in order to win you back, choosing the right words to make you fall in love with him, etc.?

[Tinkerbelll]

Let's review.

 

• You "start dating" a guy whom you've known for years
  
• He "acts" like a boyfriend
  
• Neither of you claim exclusivity
  
• You saw one another almost every weekend and travel occasionally
  

These are the qualities of a FB relationship. It's fun, loose and easy and a great way for the two of you to wind down after a stressful work week.

 

Everything's going great until you went "Kirk-out" on him in reaction to events affecting your life which he neither caused nor controlled.

 

He doesn't need the aggravation and goes back to life-before-you until you snap out of it.

 

Now you want to use his feelings for you to commit an act of Romance Terrorism by insisting that he sign on to a higher level of commitment up to and including having Children?

 

This Guy (FB) of yours sounds like a really nice Guy but if he's got a lick of sense he will walk away from your demands and place you back into the "Friend Zone".

 

He was never your "BF". He was your lover and companion (weekends only) and you wanted to make it into more with or without his agreement so you sprinkle a heaping dose of emotional instability into the mix to see what happens. Well, what happened is what happens and if this Guy doesn't walk away from you he'll resent you for it later.

 

I appreciate you clever analysis.

The only thing I miss is why he is going on sending me those texts. The last time we spoke I explained him clearly that I am that kind of person who knows how to end things, if I can't see a future.

So he knows that I am not going back on his terms. Maybe for guys like him it needs time to realize that they want someone by their side

[PlumPrincess]

I appreciate you clever analysis.

The only thing I miss is why he is going on sending me those texts. The last time we spoke I explained him clearly that I am that kind of person who knows how to end things, if I can't see a future.

So he knows that I am not going back on his terms. Maybe for guys like him it needs time to realize that they want someone by their side

You need someone to smack you really hard!

[Tinkerbelll]

What, he's sleeping with different women every night? You do realize that a guy who is into you and wants you back is not thinking about other women, because he is very busy setting up clever plans in order to win you back, choosing the right words to make you fall in love with him, etc.?

 

Yes I know things RATIONALLY :-(

I don't know anything about what he has been up to in the last 2 months

[Zahara]

He is having sex with other women for sure, no question about that, his style: a different one every night. I don't care about that because I know it is just sex for him, no feelings at all..

 

But that's his style, as you said. So, expect that he's been doing that for the past two months.

 

The other thing, don't speak for a guy as if you know their intent when his behavior makes no sense to you in the first place. As in sex is sex and he doesn't have feelings? He could be doing the same thing he did to you to other women without you ever knowing it.

 

We always want to believe things are different with us. We are the exception. A different type of woman to him. We aren't.

[PlumPrincess]

You need someone to smack you really hard!

Oops, I misread your post.

 

You have a good plan!

[Tinkerbelll]

But that's his style, as you said. So, expect that he's been doing that for the past two months.

 

The other thing, don't speak for a guy as if you know their intent when his behavior makes no sense to you in the first place. As in sex is sex and he doesn't have feelings? He could be doing the same thing he did to you to other women without you ever knowing it.

 

We always want to believe things are different with us. We are the exception. A different type of woman to him. We aren't.

 

Zahara, excuse me but I know what I am talking about.

He never dates the same woman for more than a couple of times.

[Zahara]

Zahara, excuse me but I know what I am talking about.

He never dates the same woman for more than a couple of times.

 

You don't have to get defensive. Don't believe to know someone just because you believe your relationship was different or he was different or just because he told, etc.

 

It would be best to never make assumptions as to what the other is thinking/feeling/motives because at the end of the day, the guy himself isn't even able to define or determine his own emotional availability to you or anyone else. So, what makes you think you know?

 

Best to just focus on the fact that he can't give you anything that you want/need and move on.

[PlumPrincess]

You don't have to get defensive. Don't believe to know someone just because you believe your relationship was different or he was different or just because he told, etc.

 

It would be best to never make assumptions as to what the other is thinking/feeling/motives because at the end of the day, the guy himself isn't even able to define or determine his own emotional availability to you or anyone else. So, what makes you think you know?

 

Best to just focus on the fact that he can't give you anything that you want/need and move on.

It's possible that Tinkerbelll is right, but still. Being treated with more interest than other women doesn't equal love and being number one.

[Tinkerbelll]

I agree with you both.Nothing to add.

[Zahara]

It's possible that Tinkerbelll is right, but still. Being treated with more interest than other women doesn't equal love and being number one.

 

No one said she was wrong. The comment was to note that it isn't the best thing to do to make assumptions as to the motives/feelings/thinking of another. We do that because we want to believe we're different and we're special. That's all.

[forgetmenot75]

Tinkerbell,

 

I think you already know, deep inside, this guy is not going to change. you still have feelings for him, and I know how hard this is, plus he's still contacting you!

 

At this point, I'd do one of this things:

 

- Block him from every possible way of communication. Make him disappear from your like. and no, you can't read any more messages, or pics, or even see his pictures again. Never again. (I know this sounds so harsh, but it's the only way. for you, he must have died)

 

-Try again. One more time. Let him know exactly what you want. If he still tells you he can't commit, blah blah, tell him to stop contacting you, and then block him.

 

 

I was thinking about you, and I do believe some men say they don't want to commit UNTIL they find the right one. Unfortunately, I don't think you are this right one for him. He won't change his feelings towards you. Ever.

 

I remember someone (Simon Phoenix I think it was) telling me men don;t change the way they see you. If they see you as a FB, you'll always be that for them. FWB rarely develop into a meaningful relationship.

 

Having said that, you still have your choices, and I won't blame you if you decide to give him another chance. I've been in your shoes, and the only way to learn is to experiment for ourselves.

 

Keep us posted

[Tinkerbelll]

Tinkerbell,

 

I think you already know, deep inside, this guy is not going to change. you still have feelings for him, and I know how hard this is, plus he's still contacting you!

 

At this point, I'd do one of this things:

 

- Block him from every possible way of communication. Make him disappear from your like. and no, you can't read any more messages, or pics, or even see his pictures again. Never again. (I know this sounds so harsh, but it's the only way. for you, he must have died)

 

-Try again. One more time. Let him know exactly what you want. If he still tells you he can't commit, blah blah, tell him to stop contacting you, and then block him.

 

 

I was thinking about you, and I do believe some men say they don't want to commit UNTIL they find the right one. Unfortunately, I don't think you are this right one for him. He won't change his feelings towards you. Ever.

 

I remember someone (Simon Phoenix I think it was) telling me men don;t change the way they see you. If they see you as a FB, you'll always be that for them. FWB rarely develop into a meaningful relationship.

 

Having said that, you still have your choices, and I won't blame you if you decide to give him another chance. I've been in your shoes, and the only way to learn is to experiment for ourselves.

 

Keep us posted

 

You are right, he is just playing games. Time to move on.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Tinkerbelll

[Frank13]

Let's review.

 

• You "start dating" a guy whom you've known for years
  
• He "acts" like a boyfriend
  
• Neither of you claim exclusivity
  
• You saw one another almost every weekend and travel occasionally
  

These are the qualities of a FB relationship. It's fun, loose and easy and a great way for the two of you to wind down after a stressful work week.

 

Everything's going great until you went "Kirk-out" on him in reaction to events affecting your life which he neither caused nor controlled.

 

He doesn't need the aggravation and goes back to life-before-you until you snap out of it.

 

Now you want to use his feelings for you to commit an act of Romance Terrorism by insisting that he sign on to a higher level of commitment up to and including having Children?

 

This Guy (FB) of yours sounds like a really nice Guy but if he's got a lick of sense he will walk away from your demands and place you back into the "Friend Zone".

 

He was never your "BF". He was your lover and companion (weekends only) and you wanted to make it into more with or without his agreement so you sprinkle a heaping dose of emotional instability into the mix to see what happens. Well, what happened is what happens and if this Guy doesn't walk away from you he'll resent you for it later.

 

This is the most accurate accessment of what is going on here. Guys have lives and they want to supplement them with romance. They don't want to exchange them for a bunch of problems. Who would? A guy has to have been with you for some time and really love you to want to deal with bunch of problems and commitment. Putting that stuff at the beginning of a relationship is deadly to the relationship.

 

I also think he is a nice guy who has feelings for you. He wants to be happy and you heaping problems on how m and asking for commitment to soon scared him away.

[Tinkerbelll]

I appreciate your insights, but you keep missing the key:after 6 months, after he disappeared completely without notice, I was not willing to proceed any longer on his terms, so when he showed up again I informed him about my feelings, offering what you called a Romance Terrorism contract.

He said no, I said ok, let's both move on.

Since then, though, I have been haunted by his gracious breadcrumbs like the one I received only a couple oh hours ago, some 'I miss u ' BS. I always ignored them.

So I pretty much understand your concerns about my ex feelings and thoughts, but is asking too much not to receive any more crappy BS?

Fast forward to now: I feel completely smashed inside. I asked him directly 'Did something change from the last time we spoke?' And he said "nothing has changed". Would you believe that?

I cannot explain what I felt, that was like a bomb exploding in my heart. I thought in an istant about everything in the last 3 months, the BU, the call, the texts, the nothing..I had a clear view of me waiting and secretely hoping he would change, he would understand that I was the One.

I was not.

In the end, I was light and even funny when I answered him that I wasn't interested in a part-time lover, that I would call him in the future in case I am in his town.

Thanks everybody, this board is heaven.

[Tinkerbelll]

Before going to holidays, I received his text with the usual BS. I asked him very directly if something had changed in these 3 months, he said no, I said ok, I am not interested and kept it short, saying that in case someday I showed up in his town I would call him.

The next days I left and joined my friends for holidays.

That really helped me a lot, I was far from everything with people I love deeply, disconnected from everthing, we had such an amazing time..I really recommend everybody to travel with a close friend for some time if you have the chance.

I was so relaxed that when he wrote me that he had lied to me, that EVERYTHING HAD CHANGE since we split, that I the only one he wanted to have a relationship with, and that he missed what we had etc..I told him that I missed him as well and asked him if he wanted to meet.

The next weekend, this guy drove for 3 hours and a half, took the most expensive hotel and asked me to meet in a nearby cafe.

When I met him, I could see he was very emotional, he hugged me for a long time and then just said "I want to be with you".

We then talked about many things, I would be very harsh on him at times, he said I was right on a lot of things, that he tried not to think about me but everyday, even after months, he would always have me in mind.

I told him that my dreams are the same: marrying and have a family, that I need someone on my side who is willing to take the good and the bed things in the relationship.

I said I agreed to meet him because NOW i felt I was in control of myself, warning him that NOW I was the one who was not sure he's was the one for me.

Then we spent a lovely day and later had sex at his hotel: I cannot describe how amazing it was being back with him..

So we are officially back, the guy afraid of commitment is my boyfriend! I know that it is not going to be easy, but I am really confident that we will manage to find our way.

Time will then if I was right to give it a try, but in my heart I felt it was the right thing to do.

[BC1980]

The key is that you stuck to what you wanted, and he respected you for that. Sometimes, it takes awhile for guys to figure it out, and they might never figure it out. Good job for not compromising on what you want. It pays off in the end no matter which way it goes.

[Soat]

Before going to holidays, I received his text with the usual BS. I asked him very directly if something had changed in these 3 months, he said no, I said ok, I am not interested and kept it short, saying that in case someday I showed up in his town I would call him.

The next days I left and joined my friends for holidays.

That really helped me a lot, I was far from everything with people I love deeply, disconnected from everthing, we had such an amazing time..I really recommend everybody to travel with a close friend for some time if you have the chance.

I was so relaxed that when he wrote me that he had lied to me, that EVERYTHING HAD CHANGE since we split, that I the only one he wanted to have a relationship with, and that he missed what we had etc..I told him that I missed him as well and asked him if he wanted to meet.

The next weekend, this guy drove for 3 hours and a half, took the most expensive hotel and asked me to meet in a nearby cafe.

When I met him, I could see he was very emotional, he hugged me for a long time and then just said "I want to be with you".

We then talked about many things, I would be very harsh on him at times, he said I was right on a lot of things, that he tried not to think about me but everyday, even after months, he would always have me in mind.

I told him that my dreams are the same: marrying and have a family, that I need someone on my side who is willing to take the good and the bed things in the relationship.

I said I agreed to meet him because NOW i felt I was in control of myself, warning him that NOW I was the one who was not sure he's was the one for me.

Then we spent a lovely day and later had sex at his hotel: I cannot describe how amazing it was being back with him..

So we are officially back, the guy afraid of commitment is my boyfriend! I know that it is not going to be easy, but I am really confident that we will manage to find our way.

Time will then if I was right to give it a try, but in my heart I felt it was the right thing to do.

 

Good luck. But something makes me skeptical. Leopards don't usually change their spots overnight.

[BC1980]

I would also be wary about giving him you much too quickly. He might loose interest if he thinks you are too easy to get.

[Tinkerbelll]

You are right. I usually give myself in completely

I really hope we can work things out, I feel so grateful we are giving it a try again!

[lovesucks76]

Before going to holidays, I received his text with the usual BS. I asked him very directly if something had changed in these 3 months, he said no, I said ok, I am not interested and kept it short, saying that in case someday I showed up in his town I would call him.

The next days I left and joined my friends for holidays.

That really helped me a lot, I was far from everything with people I love deeply, disconnected from everthing, we had such an amazing time..I really recommend everybody to travel with a close friend for some time if you have the chance.

I was so relaxed that when he wrote me that he had lied to me, that EVERYTHING HAD CHANGE since we split, that I the only one he wanted to have a relationship with, and that he missed what we had etc..I told him that I missed him as well and asked him if he wanted to meet.

The next weekend, this guy drove for 3 hours and a half, took the most expensive hotel and asked me to meet in a nearby cafe.

When I met him, I could see he was very emotional, he hugged me for a long time and then just said "I want to be with you".

We then talked about many things, I would be very harsh on him at times, he said I was right on a lot of things, that he tried not to think about me but everyday, even after months, he would always have me in mind.

I told him that my dreams are the same: marrying and have a family, that I need someone on my side who is willing to take the good and the bed things in the relationship.

I said I agreed to meet him because NOW i felt I was in control of myself, warning him that NOW I was the one who was not sure he's was the one for me.

Then we spent a lovely day and later had sex at his hotel: I cannot describe how amazing it was being back with him..

So we are officially back, the guy afraid of commitment is my boyfriend! I know that it is not going to be easy, but I am really confident that we will manage to find our way.

Time will then if I was right to give it a try, but in my heart I felt it was the right thing to do.

That's what I call "emotional roller coaster"!! I'm happy you're happy and hope this guy has wised up and learned that you're not to be messed with. I hope for the best for the 2 of you.

[BC1980]

At least for a few months I would not give in too easily. He has to prove himself, but don't let him know it. I really hope it works out, but guard your heart first and foremost.