Tinkerbelll Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) This forum has made a lot for me in the past, so I am back again asking for wise advice I am now 35 and have been dating him for six months. He's ten years older than me, never married and workaholic,the typical guy who says at the beginning that is not interested inanything serious. We have been knowing each others for years, nothing happened in the past, we were just friends.Then we met for dinner while I was in his town for businness and we started dating. Since then we had been seeing each other almost every weekend, not easily since we live in two different cities. He never told we were exlcusive and I never asked, I just took it for granted. He would behave like he was my boyfriend, seeing me regularly and planning things together, like going on holidays together. After 6 months I had huge problems at work, since I had finished my contract and I was not sure they would hire me again. Secondly, a family member was diagnosed with cancer. SUmmarizing, it was a tough moment and I reacted being very difficult to handle, very emotional and getting angry for stupid things. I was also upset because I couldn't feel him to support me at all. In the end, one day he just stopped calling and disappeared without any notice. I soon realized that he wouldn't go back and began NC. Of course it was hard, since he left me when I most needed someone by my side. Eventually, after 40 days of NC, on my birthday I was expecting some breadcrumbs, so when he called me I didn't pick up he phone. He then sent me a text saying that he had been thinking about me every day and that we would like to meet me if I agree to. I replied that I would listen what he had to tell me: in the end I never knew what he had on his mind when he left me and I wanted to know. So he called me and basically said that he never felt for someone what he felt for me and that scared him and that's why he went away. That in that moment I was too emotional and difficult to handle. That I had been talking about wanting kids while at that moment he was not ready.Then asked me if we could meet to talk. I was unwilling at first for many reasons, but now I am wondering if after all this time he is ready for commitment. What do you think? Thanks for your help Edited July 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Leigh 87 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Only you can make the judgment as to whether he genuinely freaked out due to commitment issues, and has realized he made a mistake in letting you go. Or, if he just hasn't found anything better and he's now just horny and lonely. Keep in mind, guys who do this do often really like and care for the girl they return to, for these seemingly dubious reasons. I would meet him, but explain that he really messed up. You MUST tell him that it really broke your trust for him- him leaving you when you needed him the most hurt you very much. Be will need to go above and beyond if you're that important to him that he is dying for another chance. 3
Chi townD Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Agreed. You've been here before. So, you know what breadcrumbs are and what aren't. In a way, you need to be SURE if he's saying that he's sorry, he screwed up and he will do anything to get you back. That is the only way you SHOULD be breaking NC. At the first smell of a breadcrumb, I would bolt for the door and never look back. If he's serious about coming back and making it work, then it has to be done on your rules, your boundaries. If he's not serious about it, then he knows where the door is. Now, you may want to go to couples counseling. You're going to have trust issues from all of this. And I would hold off from being intimate with him for a while (this shouldn't be a problem, girls are usually good at this! ). This will help you gage if he's serious about being with you, or if he's just looking for a booty call. 4
Zahara Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) I get skeptical with these types. You never know whether they're back because distance has calmed their nerves and now they're suddenly ready because the fear of commitment and investment has subsided or if they are actually ready. If he's phobic, those issues are deep seated. He has to work it through with a professional. And you will always be looking over your shoulder wondering when he'll run, but most of all you will be always conscious about not pushing him over the edge with your needs because you're afraid he'll run. You want to be able to have a partner that can hang when the going gets tough. The fact that he's 45, never married and a workholic, reminds me of a guy that set the tone for his life to path that way because he was very unavailable to relationships and incapable of committing. When you are 45 years old with such issues, they don't just go away because 40 days made him realize what he lost. At some point, those issues resurface again. Read some material on these types and go from there. It's a risk. Edited July 16, 2013 by Zahara 7
forgetmenot75 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Some red flags here: -45 and never married - workaholic - Not interested in anything serious - He disappeared when you most needed him... (!!!!) - No ready for commitment (and no, people does not change in 40 days) He might be a commitment phobe. check out this: "He lost interest when things got serious. Commitment-phobes love the chase but not the capture. They have a history of brief, passionate relationships that end fairly quickly. They are usually quick to explain these breakups away as being the fault of the former girlfriend. Dating a commitment-phobe is a very confusing experience. Not all commitment-phobic men will show all of these signs, but most will show a significant number of them. If you are struggling with this kind of man, don’t deny your experience and make yourself the one who is wrong. Reality-check what is going on with trusted friends. If that doesn’t help you sort it out, seek the help of a professional. If the man you are dating is truly commitment-phobic, your future together can only contain heartbreak." He might be a player as well. Ugh, I'll run away before it's too late, but yo only know what's best for you. Good luck 6
aloneinaz Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Some red flags here: -45 and never married - workaholic - Not interested in anything serious - He disappeared when you most needed him... (!!!!) - No ready for commitment (and no, people does not change in 40 days) He might be a commitment phobe. check out this: "He lost interest when things got serious. Commitment-phobes love the chase but not the capture. They have a history of brief, passionate relationships that end fairly quickly. They are usually quick to explain these breakups away as being the fault of the former girlfriend. Dating a commitment-phobe is a very confusing experience. Not all commitment-phobic men will show all of these signs, but most will show a significant number of them. If you are struggling with this kind of man, don’t deny your experience and make yourself the one who is wrong. Reality-check what is going on with trusted friends. If that doesn’t help you sort it out, seek the help of a professional. If the man you are dating is truly commitment-phobic, your future together can only contain heartbreak." He might be a player as well. Ugh, I'll run away before it's too late, but yo only know what's best for you. Good luck Great post! I couldn't agree more. When I'm on dating sites I think it's odd when I see a women in her late 30's plus never being married or having kids. Match.Com has TONS of women in their 40's that have never been married,no kids, etc.. I pay them ZERO attention. Sorry, I just think somethings wrong there. I've spoken to other dates who say the same thing about men who are the same.
Author Tinkerbelll Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Thanks,I read carefully your replies and I had been thinking about what you told me yesterday night. I agree with a lot of the things that have been said. I was not expecting for him to talk me like that, neverthless I am not willing to waste any more time on a field where red flags are all over. So I decided that I will meet him and I will listen to him but I will consider a reconciliation only with a strong commitment from his side. In other words I won't settle for "let's try again and see what happens in the future", I would consider things with a stronger commitment, even though I really don't think he will bring along a ring with him that day I also agree on not getting phisical again until a full commitment is offered. 1
flitzanu Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 not being divorced with multiple kids makes someone "questionable" about relationships and committments? 1
Author Tinkerbelll Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 UPDATE. So he phoned me again asking to meet. I couldn't resist the urge of inquiring about what he had in mind and warned him: after what had happened I was not willing just to give it a try, I would only consider a commitment from his side. He said he knew I want to have my family and marry but that at this moment he couldn't think about a serious commitment or give assurances, he just had special feeling towards me (love was never mentioned). Well,I don't know, but I didn't feel like meeting him with the risk of going back to square one. Maybe I was too coward, but as someone pointed out I couldn't live with the fear he would disappear again without saying even goodbye. Tonight I am sad. 5
forgetmenot75 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I am very proud of you!!! You did the right thing, girl!!! More red flags: -At this moment he can't think of something serious (at this moment and NEVER with you) -special feelings towards you...sure. Maybe sexual feelings? Not love, for sure Stay away of this loser, he is EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE and you'll have pain and more pain if you decide to stay with him Someone told me that men dont change friends with benefits into a serious relationship EVER. And that is so true. Emotionally unavailable men and commitment phobes they are all cut by the same pattern. Run as fast as you can and block this ashole from your life 2
Zahara Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I don't believe you were a coward for not meeting him. It was the smart thing to do, even in your emotional state and you chose to put yourself first and accept the reality of who he is. Stay away from him. It's the best thing to do. Be proud of yourself. Most would have jumped in hoping that they can make someone change. 4
HumptyDumpty Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Yeah, this cae reminds me of mine- Ex, 12 years older, doesn't want to marry and have children and doesn't want to commit! Neither did he help me when I was in trouble (homeless), wanted to leave me... he didn't but it really shocked me how he disappeared when I needed help, just to know someone's there to talk if I need to one day... After the NC mine always came back round after a few weeks NC and me having feelings I always jumped in! Contact always was via texts, great huh? We went to the beach, where he told me that it was only as friends, nothing more! One evening after the BU I remember him in the car even touching me but I refused anything sexual! I went NC for a whole 6 months, during that time my mum nearly died, I reached out to him but he never replied. Now it's summer again and guess who came back inviting me to the beach? Total jerk and I'm glad I'm not in love with this guy anymore... So, what I tried to say was- he may use you since he's bored being single again. Maybe even FWB. but if a guy is "unsure" to commit, doesn't want the same goals in life therefor a deal-breaker: do not touch! This doesn't look good, leave him with his own **** alone, it's not your problem anymore! But don't put up with less than you can offer! Really, he may be using you, even if it's just a few hours where he doesn't feel lonely anymore... Jeez, they're grown adult males older than us but maturity-wise, a pain inn the butt... Good luck to you 1
Author Tinkerbelll Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Thank you. I spent a quite night. Somehow I didn't want it to happen, I already knew it was over so speaking again with him made me thinking again about us. The idea of seeing him again tempted me so much! I really hoped he would said the magic words "I am aware I made a mistake, now I would do whatever it takes to get back together!", but his tone, everything was so cold.. I am glad I didn't allow him to jump back in my life. 2
Author Tinkerbelll Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 So, it's been 2 months since BU. I don't know if you remember my story, otherwise check my other threads. I just wanted you to share with you what I have been doing in the past 2 weeks. Probably you remember that he contacted me after 6 weeks of NC asking to meet me for talking and giving me a birtday present, I replied that if he wasn't offering a commitment I wouldn't see him, so he quickly ended the phone call saying that I had every right to ask for it,but that he was not ready to committ at the moment. After that I felt like I was back to square one,all the pain was there again and I would think a lot about him again, also with the bad feeling that I had lost my only chance to get back with him. I prayed that he would understand how much he loved me and would go back with the ring Now, two weeks have passed and I haven't been hearing from him. The good thing is that now I feel I can see things more with more judgement. So these are my conclusions: -You will know your partner deeply ONLY when things are over. I discovered that everything was fine when I had my weel paid job, when we would go to fancy restaurants for dinner, when we would spend Sundays on the bathtube drinking champagne and having sex. Everything started to fell apart when I had issues at work and serius health problems in my family.He was not there. Emotionally, financially etc.. -I discovered that I want to drink less champagne but have a house, and a family that I can call home, and where we will manage the good times and the bad times TOGETHER. -I understood that I don't want to accept LESS than what I can offer in terms of commitment. -I found out that being alone with the illusion of being the two of us was the worst thing. Now I am alone and I can date whoever I want Finally, I won't give up on relationship because I feel I still have so much to give Thanks to everybody in this board 5
forgetmenot75 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 You are a very strong woman, and you'll find someone who'll give you what you want and deserve. And even though you don't need me saying all this, I just wanted you to know I think you're awesome 2
Author Tinkerbelll Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 Thank you forgetmenot I read your thread and identified myself completely. In the past, I had a relationship like yours: I had to hit the bottom before I could swim back to the surface. When I think about that, I still cannot find the meaning, I don't know what really happened, I still feel I just lost so much time. I wasn't in love, it was some kind of obsession I couldn't get rid of, no matter what I tried. I travelled around the world,but he was always on my mind. Anyway, I don't like talking about him. It costed me so much to literally heal from him.. I wanted instead to share some breadcrumbs I received lately from my last guy. A couple of days ago he sent me a picture of a little bunny holding an heart that I gave him as a present. I just thought that he was bored and he wanted to check upon me. At no time I though he had thought about us and was ready for commitment. Maybe I am just getting too cynical, but somehow I think this is the price we have to pay to go through the days. I am quite good, overall. I am just living day by day, trying to meet new people and staying among other people as much as I can. I have expectations that things are going to be OK soon
itto ogami Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 This whole "he's 45 and never married" or "she's 32 never married" red flag is BS. Is everybody here on LS married?
Author Tinkerbelll Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Anyway, this is not the point. I stayed 8 years with a guy, living in the same place, so maybe we were not legally married but I see myself as we were. The question here is commitment: yes, if you are 45 and you haven't been in a commited relationship for a long time, I can see a red flag. This whole "he's 45 and never married" or "she's 32 never married" red flag is BS. Is everybody here on LS married? 1
itto ogami Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Anybody can be in a ****ty relationship for years. That's hardly a sign of somebody needing a red flag if they're not in one. As if it's SOOO easy to find committed love.
Author Tinkerbelll Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Lately he has contacted me sending me a cute picture. I didn' t reply since I didn'r read too much in it. A couple of days later he sent me another text, it basically said that it was hard to forget me because he still had feelings..Again, I ignored it even if I was tempted to text back something. In the mean time, I am trying slowly to rebuild my life, we broke up before holidays, so I had to think about what to do since we were supposed to travel together. I will go abroad for one week in a few days. Yesterday I had dinner and too many drinks with a friend and stayed to sleep at his place. Today when I woke up I though about him, of the good times we had in the weekends when we would make love in the morning etc..Then I checked my phone and saw that we had sent me another text, that said that I am always on his mind. I don't know what to do, I would like to see him again and see if we can work it out, but I am also frightened that it could end in tears again. Or I could go to holidays and think about it when I get back.Advice? 1
PlumPrincess Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 So he called me and basically said that he never felt for someone what he felt for me and that scared him and that's why he went away. That in that moment I was too emotional and difficult to handle. That I had been talking about wanting kids while at that moment he was not ready.Then asked me if we could meet to talk. He said he knew I want to have my family and marry but that at this moment he couldn't think about a serious commitment or give assurances, he just had special feeling towards me (love was never mentioned). He is basically saying that he wants things to be the way they were before you got emotional and needed the kind of support that a proper boyfriend would have given you and which he was unwilling to give in the past and is unwilling to give in the future as well. 2
PlumPrincess Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Lately he has contacted me sending me a cute picture. I didn' t reply since I didn'r read too much in it. A couple of days later he sent me another text, it basically said that it was hard to forget me because he still had feelings..Again, I ignored it even if I was tempted to text back something. In the mean time, I am trying slowly to rebuild my life, we broke up before holidays, so I had to think about what to do since we were supposed to travel together. I will go abroad for one week in a few days. Yesterday I had dinner and too many drinks with a friend and stayed to sleep at his place. Today when I woke up I though about him, of the good times we had in the weekends when we would make love in the morning etc..Then I checked my phone and saw that we had sent me another text, that said that I am always on his mind. I don't know what to do, I would like to see him again and see if we can work it out, but I am also frightened that it could end in tears again. Or I could go to holidays and think about it when I get back.Advice? Ignore him. He's a waste of time. If you want to make sure that you are not alone during your trip, book one of these trips that they offer to singles. 1
Author Tinkerbelll Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) Actually I am joining some friends of mine that I love deeply, can't wait to be with them Nobody, based on the story, thinks that I should try at least to meet him and talk? Ignore him. He's a waste of time. If you want to make sure that you are not alone during your trip, book one of these trips that they offer to singles. Edited August 11, 2013 by Tinkerbelll
PlumPrincess Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 A Nobody, based on the story, thinks that I shoukd try at least to meet him and talk? Uhm, let me consider this idea carefully... NO!!! 1
forgetmenot75 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Tinkerbell, I know how hard is to ignore his breadcrumbs and you are an extremely strong woman. What do you think of him after this 2 months NC? Are you still willing to start something again? Have you been dating? Keep in mind he wants things his terms, not yours. You can still try again and let him know what do you want, and see if he gives in... BUT yo also have to keep in mind he might have been seeing other women all this time and perhaps this is a period when he's alone and wants sex... I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now...ugh. 1
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