star3224 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I am an OW. I have been talking to an old friend from High School on Facebook sinceFebruary. It started out as just friend and we just got close and he opened up that he was very unhappy and wanted to leave his marriage. I never encouraged him but quite the opposite I told him to a professional and they night be able to help them. Everything just went so fast and we started an emotional affair and then a physical one. We live about 2 hours from each other and meet at a place I have that in between. He has been planning for months how he would leave and wanted to come to my town and be with me and told me he was in love with me and that he hated being parted with me and just made me really think he loved me. Last week him and his wife had a blow up about something I wrote on his facebook page, it was nothing bad it just made her suspect and it started a very big fight. He disabled his page and then unfriended me. About a week later he got back on and messaged me. I confronted him and asked why he would unfriend ma and he said he didnt know he did. Anyway the whole dynamic of our relationship has changed. He is making me feel like I am just a sex thing now and really wont tell me he loves me or spoken tenderly to me at all since. I don nor want a future with a married man and he knows that! I am in such limbo right now and I feel so broken hearted. It just feels like he is pushing me away. He wont say its over but it seems like it is to me. I have laid off him as much as I can because I know he is evaluating the situation from every direction. I know he cares very much for me, if not loved me but it feels like he is trying to disassiciate love from me right now. Somebody please tell me what I should do?? I am so confused!!!
Pierre Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I am an OW. I have been talking to an old friend from High School on Facebook sinceFebruary. It started out as just friend and we just got close and he opened up that he was very unhappy and wanted to leave his marriage. I never encouraged him but quite the opposite I told him to a professional and they night be able to help them. Everything just went so fast and we started an emotional affair and then a physical one. We live about 2 hours from each other and meet at a place I have that in between. He has been planning for months how he would leave and wanted to come to my town and be with me and told me he was in love with me and that he hated being parted with me and just made me really think he loved me. Last week him and his wife had a blow up about something I wrote on his facebook page, it was nothing bad it just made her suspect and it started a very big fight. He disabled his page and then unfriended me. About a week later he got back on and messaged me. I confronted him and asked why he would unfriend ma and he said he didnt know he did. Anyway the whole dynamic of our relationship has changed. He is making me feel like I am just a sex thing now and really wont tell me he loves me or spoken tenderly to me at all since. I don nor want a future with a married man and he knows that! I am in such limbo right now and I feel so broken hearted. It just feels like he is pushing me away. He wont say its over but it seems like it is to me. I have laid off him as much as I can because I know he is evaluating the situation from every direction. I know he cares very much for me, if not loved me but it feels like he is trying to disassiciate love from me right now. Somebody please tell me what I should do?? I am so confused!!! MM used standard lingo to have sex with you. Nevertheless, he loves you very much within the affair. He adores you as the OW. However, he has another reality which he wants to protect despite the standard BS he told you about his marriage. He got that from the MM's cheating manual and you bought it. You need to decide if you want to be his permanent OW. I don't understand why you say you don't want a future with a MM, but then allow yourself to be the OW. Can you explain that? Simple: Yes or no? Do you want to be OW? 1
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) I have been talking to an old friend from High School on Facebook sinceFebruary. This is an old friend from the past. He hasn't been in your life for years so you really don't "know" him or what he's all about. Fact is, you've not invested years into him..You were fine without him in your life before hooking up on facebook, you'll be fine without him again. He is married and is looking for attention. Sorry, it seems like the guy fed you a lot of bullcrap and had no intention of leaving his wife. Do they have children? It may hurt but the best thing you can do for yourself is tell him goodbye, grieve the loss and move on with your life. He is married and it's very doubtful he's going to up and leave his wife and family, move to where you are and leave all behind that he knows and loves for someone he hasn't kept in touch with in years but recently reconnected again on FB. Edited to add: I am in such limbo right now and I feel so broken hearted. It just feels like he is pushing me away. He wont say its over but it seems like it is to me. Then you end it. Why give him all the power? What is it and why is it you're hanging onto a married man who is treating you poorly and seems to have no real respect for you? Time to do some soul searching and ask yourself if this is what you need and deserve. I don't know, maybe you'd like to be his OW on the side, but I hope you feel you deserve better and more! From a single man who can offer you the world not just bits and pieces when he has time to fit you into schedule. please give this some thought. Edited July 16, 2013 by whichwayisup
HopingAgain Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 What was your motivation for posting a telling message to his FB page? Did you secretly want his wife to suspect the affair so they could argue about it and maybe he'd leave? If so, that backfired miserably. Now, she's on to you (if not him yet) and he is under scrutiny and likely very upset at you and himself. It does sound like he's ready to stop the affair, or scale back to the point where you are strictly a bootycall when he can get time away. If that's not what you want for yourself, walk away yourself don't wait for him to do it
jphcbpa Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 What did you expect would happen? Time to leave MM alone and move on past this fantasy.
Goodbye Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I get your pain. My exMM did similar things...confided in me about his marital woes while we were friends. Even went so far as to say his wife was filing for divorce and told me they'd separated. That is when the A began. Needless to say, it wasn't true. It may have been what he wanted at the moment, but it was bull and I was in over my head. Unfortunately, you have 2 choices...neither is great. The first would be to contact the wife and tell her what has been going on and then go NC. The second is just to go NC. Either way, you need to cut this man loose, regardless of how much he has claimed in the past to love you. His actions on facebook tell me that he wants to salvage his marriage and is in the process of fabricating cover ups to his wife to explain all the things she has wondered about during your EA/PA. It will hurt for a while, but you will mend and be ok. Keep us posted. 2
Author star3224 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Hope again. He asked me to post something on his lic while we were chatting he ASKED me to post something on his pic, so maybe HE wanted her to see it. I told him to delete it and he said NEVER. Yesterday he asked me to see him and told me he is looking for a job in my town. No I do not want to be like this forever, its just too hard and he knows that. He has talked to me about how hard it will be on me and that he knows that I deserve all of his attention and anything good comes hard. I have been distancing myself from him after everything that happened this week. I just want to talk to him and look at him while I ask hime some important questions so I can see how sincere he really is about leaving.
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hope again. He asked me to post something on his lic while we were chatting he ASKED me to post something on his pic, so maybe HE wanted her to see it. I told him to delete it and he said NEVER. Yesterday he asked me to see him and told me he is looking for a job in my town. No I do not want to be like this forever, its just too hard and he knows that. He has talked to me about how hard it will be on me and that he knows that I deserve all of his attention and anything good comes hard. I have been distancing myself from him after everything that happened this week. I just want to talk to him and look at him while I ask hime some important questions so I can see how sincere he really is about leaving. Wow, you do not trust this man. And he sounds cruel.
HopingAgain Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hope again. He asked me to post something on his lic while we were chatting he ASKED me to post something on his pic, so maybe HE wanted her to see it. I told him to delete it and he said NEVER. Yesterday he asked me to see him and told me he is looking for a job in my town. No I do not want to be like this forever, its just too hard and he knows that. He has talked to me about how hard it will be on me and that he knows that I deserve all of his attention and anything good comes hard. I have been distancing myself from him after everything that happened this week. I just want to talk to him and look at him while I ask hime some important questions so I can see how sincere he really is about leaving.[/quote It sounds like he is trying to make his wife jealous by.using you. That is not nice at all, very passive aggressive.
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 He asked you to post on his fb and told you specifically what to post? Yeah I'd definitely say he's using you and his affair as some sort of tool or prop in his marriage. Maybe he resents his wife and is looking for a way to punish her or maybe he feels neglected by her and he's trying to get her attention. The fact that he would tell you to post something on his fb that he knew she would see and be upset about indicates that his feelings (good or bad) are still very much tied to his wife and he is using childish hurtful tactics to communicate with her. If he was really done with his marriage and ready to leave and be with you he wouldn't be looking for ways to push his wife's buttons. For all we know MM may be having HB sex with the wife.
hippetyhop Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 For all we know MM may be having HB sex with the wife. What is HB sex?
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 What is HB sex? Oh no. I rather not say. This may upset you.
Author star3224 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Actually he had a parcial block on her to his facebook. He took the Pic off his wall, but still left it in his Pics and thats how she found it. He has since blocked her completely and asked that I block her as well. This entire week has really been a crazy one and I dont think I am cut out for this stuff at all!!
hippetyhop Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Oh no. I rather not say. This may upset you. I can just google it then
Author star3224 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Dont mean to sound dumb, but what is HB?
hippetyhop Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Dont mean to sound dumb, but what is HB? Hysterical bonding.
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Dont mean to sound dumb, but what is HB? OK, some couples have intense monkey sex for several months after d-day. I said some, not all.
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I feel bad, because this may be a taboo topic in the OW/OM section. 1
HopingAgain Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Actually he had a parcial block on her to his facebook. He took the Pic off his wall, but still left it in his Pics and thats how she found it. He has since blocked her completely and asked that I block her as well. This entire week has really been a crazy one and I dont think I am cut out for this stuff at all!! He's playing games. His wife is not gonna forget what happened cause he blocked her. In fact, being blocked by you and him is just gonna make her more suspicous now. I hope.you're prepared.for.when his wife contacts you, a D day seems almost certain now since he is being so obvious. You will know his intentions very soon after that.
hippetyhop Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I feel bad, because this may be a taboo topic in the OW/OM section. Don't. We all should be informed. Question--is this generally initiated by the BS or the WS?
HopingAgain Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Don't. We all should be informed. Question--is this generally initiated by the BS or the WS? It depends. Sometimes, its initiated by BS but it seems that most.times (as was in my case) WS initiates it because they are desperate to keep the relationship. 1
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Don't. We all should be informed. Question--is this generally initiated by the BS or the WS? I have studied this for years. IMHO, it is very powerful in the betrayed spouse. The wandering spouse only develops HB if he or she is very afraid to lose the marriage. Some wandering spouses get turned on if they are desired by the betrayed spouse, but this mostly applies to people that love to be desired. HB does not always mean successful recovery of the marriage. IN the end HB is just a primal reaction to recover territory. Some folks that practice "swinging" use the sex with other couples to induce in themselves a bit of HB. Have you ever had a horrendous fight with your partner and then have make up sex?
hippetyhop Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I have studied this for years. IMHO, it is very powerful in the betrayed spouse. The wandering spouse only develops HB if he or she is very afraid to lose the marriage. Some wandering spouses get turned on if they are desired by the betrayed spouse, but this mostly applies to people that love to be desired. HB does not always mean successful recovery of the marriage. IN the end HB is just a primal reaction to recover territory. Some folks that practice "swinging" use the sex with other couples to induce in themselves a bit of HB. Have you ever had a horrendous fight with your partner and then have make up sex? Ahh...makes sense now.
MissBee Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I would back away is what I'd do. As a rule, I wouldn't trust the love of someone who leads off with how horrible their marriage is, who is on FB discussing it and then now "loves" me. I'm sorry, but in such cases, as it usually is, the person is going through a rough time and uses an affair as a distraction versus them being clear and really laying a good foundation. If your marriage is bad: work on it or exit it. I won't become your therapist-turned-lover. Bye. It's been 6 months or so of this...I'm sure he cares but like many MM, probably got carried away in the fantasy and escape your affair provided, but when reality hits, i.e. his wife becoming suspicious, he snaps out of it and throws you aside. I think now he's probably starting to think more realistically about his life and his promises to you and is probably going in the direction of most MM, i.e., he is staying put so has to find a way to do it gently or placate you and appease you enough to be okay with even less as he calms down his home life. Since you don't want to be an OW forever, I suggest you tell him this and let him know that for your sanity you are going to end things with him until he sorts it out. That's a way for you to maintain your power instead of waiting at his beck and call to see what he decides to do and instead of waiting on pins and needles to see if he will end things. He's not that special.
Author star3224 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) His wife believes he is no longer on facebook because he deactivated his account, then reactivated it and blocked all their mutual friends and family. I know and I have to back out a bit and I really need re evaluate things, but I also believe I need and explaination of what his intentions are at this point. I dont really think he wanted his wife to see the post because he removed it from his page right after, he just didnt delete the pic, just kept in in his pic Edited July 17, 2013 by star3224
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