Owl Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 First off its not an affair in our opinion. It may not be in my best interest but that wasn't the concern. I'm not as selfish as many may think so if being honest cost me my relationship them that's what's meant to be. I just want the insanity to stop. Everyone says the bs has a right to know, and I agree unless she doesn't want to know and if that's the case who am I to tell her. The person who's opinion counts in this case is HERS. She's the one to decide if this is a betrayal of their marriage vows or not...of course, he will have his own view as well. But the bottom line is...if he's professing his love for you...and he's married to her...that's pretty much the definition of an affair, no? How does having a d-day make it NOT a violation of their marital vows? How does it make it no longer an affair...especially if she's not aware that its continuing???
Spark1111 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 CP, forgive me for not knowing your back story, but he said he told her? is that your DDay, that he confessed to her and she know of you? Do you have proof of that conversation? Did she speak with you directly and you confirmed it?
So happy together Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I understand the love part, I really do. But you're on an OW/OM board asking for advice. You must be seeing or feeling something different. Most (not all) OW/OM on here because they want something to change, whether that's the married person leaving or the AP leaving. My A ended horribly with a 2nd d-day. We had been involved for over 3 years, and less than a month prior to d-day we had gone away together and had a great time. Needless to say after this d-day, my A ended quickly and very ugly. I didn't know how I was going to survive. My heart was broken, my world turned upside down. I cried all the time. I barely functioned. It was one if the toughest things to go thru. But I did get thru it. Slowly. Them there was a d-day at home with my SO. another horrible, heart breaking time. But once again I survived. And came out stronger. The point to my post is that while the A was going on, I didn't question the A. Of course I wanted to be with him (and thought he wanted to be with me) but I never went searching for advice from strangers because I was happy. I WAS a HOW. I think (with the exception of a couple happy OW/OM who offer advice) most people who come on these forums are starting to see that the A is not enough anymore. Whether its looking for people whose MM/MW have left the M, or the OW/OM has ended the A, you're looking for a change. When the craziness starts, or the loneliness, or just so many unanswered questions start, it's also time for you to start changing things. That may be an ultimatum with a time line for him to leave, or you leave. It takes a lot of soul searching. It's a very very hard thing to process (the A ending) but how long is up to you. That's why I asked my question earlier. Why don't you end it. The answer of I can't because I love him is a very common answer. The reason I said I don't understand why you can't end it, is because if the A is getting to you do much that you're asking BSs for advice in how to tell, it's time to step back and really examine the relationship again. It's not always a fairy tale ending where live conquers all. You have to stand up for yourself and what you want. I find this fascinating. I'm not here for advice at all. I'm here for completely different reasons which I will not share, but it certainly isn't for answers, or validation etc. I'm not attacking you or anything like that... I just thought it was interesting. 1
MissBee Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 First off its not an affair in our opinion. It may not be in my best interest but that wasn't the concern. I'm not as selfish as many may think so if being honest cost me my relationship them that's what's meant to be. I just want the insanity to stop. Everyone says the bs has a right to know, and I agree unless she doesn't want to know and if that's the case who am I to tell her. How does MM feel about this? Does he agree with your decision? Why doesn't he tell him yourself if it's not an affair?
wanting more Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I find this fascinating. I'm not here for advice at all. I'm here for completely different reasons which I will not share, but it certainly isn't for answers, or validation etc. I'm not attacking you or anything like that... I just thought it was interesting. With the exception of a couple OW/OM on here, most are here for advice. What one does with that advice is up to them. 1
underwater2010 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 We were never "caught" the first time. And since there's no kind gentle way to be honest maybe I'll just say nothing at all. So happy together, I think your advice is the best for all involved. However if she asks I will answer all her questions truthfully, and with as much compassion as I have and I do have compassion. Just because you were not "caught" but exposed by her WH instead, does not make the two of sneaking around any less hurtful. And you deciding not to tell her the truth is you to trying to cover your butt and her WH's butt. Just because it will hurt her, does not mean that it should not be done.
jan2012 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I have not and will not give him an ultimatum. It's was an affair until dday but not now. I think the problem is that once you give an ultimatum, the possibility of ever having a real relationship may be gone. Either you get the whole/real relationship, or that option is gone for ever.
ComingInHot Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Canuck Princes, From what you write, it is important to you that it is conveyed in every other aspect of your life, you are caring, compassionate, kind, giving, loyal and trustworthy. As in, if I were to meet you in Any other situation, I would see you the real you and quickly find a good friend. "It's just this one thing, Sleeping with & having an Affair w/a MM. Aside from that, Mary Poppins is my maiden name." I believe you CP.* I honestly don't think you'd be here on LS, if you didn't, to some extent, care. However, there are many amazing people who, in just about every aspect of their life, do the "right" thing. They also have that "one thing" that puts them in "conflict" w/themself. It could be: Cheating Stealing Alcoholism Lying Drugs Anything that would embarrass them or make them feel ashamed if word got out. I don't know who you boast to about sleeping w/a MM who has told you he loves both you & His Wife. I do know that D-day has come and gone & MM is STILL right where he Wants to be & You are (however unhappy about it) accepting it. I think this is where the road is squatting for you. The lack of forward movement so that you can end being the Other Woman, Mistress to legitimate SO, is why you are ultimately here, right? So, how can You make that happen, being the above described woman of good character? If you drY silent, you continue to accept for yourself your role of OW & 2nd place to His Wife. If you lay down an ultimatum to WH, you risk him ending the A, which you've stated is not an option. If you tell His Wife, in hopes the "insanity" ends, it may end w/the demise of the A and possibly your reputation, or His Wife (which I believe is what you're hoping for) will D her H so you can "have"him. But hopefully, she won't freak out, tell the world, fight for her M, and then learn that WH ended up w/you after his pleading w/His Wife to forgive him & work on their M didn't work. Canuck Princess, I tried to soon this every way possible (aside from MM stepping up) to help you see that even if you tell His Wife in the kindest way possible, You are really still only cheating yourself. Think of all the things you've missed out on already due to this A?! From all your posting, it appears that the adventures in life you could have had/could be having are passing you by. Don't let that happen! The exow from my H's A finally woke up and is now living the wonderful, happy life she was meant to live. I want that for you too!!* 2
Author canuckprincess Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Most people are on here to GIVE advice!!! Your right, I just wonder how many follow their own advice.
wanting more Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Most people are on here to GIVE advice!!! I said most!!! How many people start a thread not asking something??? Not asking for help, guidance, support, insight? Just because you post and dont want anyone's opinions that are not the same as yours, doesn't mean your not asking for advice, asking for something. OP asked for advice.
Author canuckprincess Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 As a BS, I can't think of any kind or gentle way or even entertain the fact that there is a kinder and gentler side to being betrayed. Or being the betrayer. WS's will get careless. When that happens you go into stealth mode and get your evidence. Emails, chats, texts, phone records - all of it. Then you can strike...er...confront. See...in my world, evidence...knowledge - its all power. And in that time of discovery, no matter what they say or how you feel, you're going to need that power. It may not be evident in the first few months during your rollercoaster, but you'll see. It's the knowledge and the power that will help you towards an informed decision. And I'll be blunt and somewhat cruel. I took great satisfaction of presenting all the evidence to WS and OW. And after I did a background check on OW. Oh they kept it up in an EA for a few months after. It just fueled the evidence. Until one of them had a "AH HA" moment. Treasure those moments. So are you saying as a bs you don't want ow, ws, or a concerned friend to tell you if your spouse was still cheating?
save150 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 So are you saying as a bs you don't want ow, ws, or a concerned friend to tell you if your spouse was still cheating? No. I just wouldn't find it any more kinder or easier.
Author canuckprincess Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Ok thank you, you had me a little confused.
save150 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Ok thank you, you had me a little confused. Well, I've been drinking so it shouldn't surprise anyone if I get confusing. But you know what, let's think about the "concerned friend". WH had an affair with an old high school friend. They apparently connected via facebook. Their mutual high school crowd also reconnected at about the same time. I never knew them and only some of them I met once or twice. In fact I met OW once. OH many years ago. When they went full swing with their A, WH was going to dinner with the old crowd. Meeting them for weekends at the beach. Having mini reunions at clubs and restaurants. In each and every one of them, WH and OW presented themselves as a couple. I never knew about these parties and dinners. He was "working". He was able to do that because his job does demand odd hours and some weekends away. He used facebook against me. He set up filters so that anything I post was hidden from OW and the high school crowd. Anything she posted was hidden from me. He even filtered out our relationship status (married). That went on for two years. She DID know he had a wife and did know he was cheating. She jumped in both feet forward and both eyes wide open. One of these "friends" heard through another grapevine that he was married to me. However, this FRIEND decided to be complicit in the deception. Egged them on. Toasted the happy couple at dinner and whatnot. He knew WH was cheating and provided the tools to keep it going. So...lets say that a concerned person out of that high school crowd - maybe this very same a-hole, decided enough was enough and contacted me about the A. I'd still verify on my own, but the after affect would still be the same. Completely blindsided. WH probably would have had a harder time with concerned friend spilling the beans. That means the A was noticed by others. And his reputation is everything. If the A got out to our crowd and his employers, his credibility is shot with no chance of recovery. It got out among his high school crowd anyhow. OW has a big, fat mouth. Blabbed it. She even had her kids involved with the A. They were thrilled with WH even though they knew he was cheating with their mom on his wife. (Her husband is deceased.) So in the long run, the info from the concerned friend may not have made DDay easier, but it might have afforded me an unlikely ally. Someone I could have used.
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