canuckprincess Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) Please this question is for bs's who suspect an affair is going on or still going on. What would be the kindest, gentlest way for your ws or ow to tell you that the affair is still going on? I believe the ws should be the one to tell however if that isn't happening is there a secondary way to find out? Edited July 16, 2013 by canuckprincess
Owl Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Please this question is for bs's who suspect an affair is going on or still going on. What would be the kindest, gentlest way for your ws or ow to tell you that the affair is still going on? I believe the ws should be the one to tell however if that isn't happening is there a secondary way to find out? By telling the BS by way of ending the affair, would be the kindest, gentlest way (in their eyes). Beyond that, I don't think there really is a "kind and gentle" way to go about this...but I agree that it should be done. Consider the news very much like being the one to tell them that a close family member has died...it's about the closest emotional equivilant you're going to find. How do you say "Oh, by the way...your Mom died this morning. Thought you should know." in a "kind and gentle" fashion...especially if (FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE), you participated in her death? They're not likely to be thankful for you telling them...especially not if you're still participating in it. But I do agree that it still should be done. Please, don't take this post as an attack...it's not. I'm just trying to help you see the emotional impact this message is going to hold for them, and why being kind and gentle in the delivery may not be possible. 3
krazikat Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Please this question is for bs's who suspect an affair is going on or still going on. What would be the kindest, gentlest way for your ws or ow to tell you that the affair is still going on? I believe the ws should be the one to tell however if that isn't happening is there a secondary way to find out? I am a bs who discovered my h A after answering his A phone that he forgot to turn off...his fOW was calling him repeatedly and by the time I found and answered she had called him dozens of times...and what followed was an absolutely horrible and vile conversation with his fOW. Canuck, if you want to tell his bs, tell her in a factual but kind way...she wont need too much detail unless she asks for it. A simple phone call would have been fine with me. Knowing emotions can be crazy, understand if she gets angry or doesnt believe you initially...finding out about this is absolutely life changing and devestating. Maybe write down a list of what you want to say...offer facts and to answer any questions she may have but dont rub it in her face. If you feel apologetic, tell her but no false apologies. As a BS if the OW had simply admitted the affair and answered my few questions without being vindictive and hostile and downright vile then I would have thanked her for telling me. I believe every woman has the right to know the truth of her relationship. 3
Pierre Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Please this question is for bs's who suspect an affair is going on or still going on. What would be the kindest, gentlest way for your ws or ow to tell you that the affair is still going on? I believe the ws should be the one to tell however if that isn't happening is there a secondary way to find out? Ideally I would be very thankful to be informed of an affair. I think that would be a wonderful gift despite the pain. Most WS act in a cowardly manner and few confess. I think a phone call with proof would be a very kind act. Obviously most OWs don't do it because they are afraid to lose the relationship with the wandering H 2
dichotomy Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) Note sure if I understand where you want to go with these questions - but I will try to answer them. Please this question is for bs's who suspect an affair is going on or still going on. I semi qualify, I was/am BS, and recently suspected something was going on again (so far it appears not). What would be the kindest, gentlest way for your ws or ow to tell you that the affair is still going on? There is no kind way to say its still going on - because if it is still going on WS or OW is not being "kind".....the only semi-kind way would be if one or both had ended it, or at least gone to NC till things got resolved in the primary marriage one way or another. I believe the ws should be the one to tell however if that isn't happening is there a secondary way to find out? If WS is hidding and denying - then OW/OM or someone else would need to confess, or inform BS. That or BS (if they suspect) could to investigate and spy. I also think perhaps OW/OM could demanded WS tell BS within 7 days.... or they would. So whats behind your questions? Edited July 16, 2013 by dichotomy
krazikat Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I am sorry that the OW in your situation was hostile. If BS called me or the one time I did talk to her I was as gentle as I could be and spared her the gory details' date=' but she chose not to believe me. As an OW I cannot for the life of me understand why she would be hostile to you unless you were hostile to her. Which I understand you weren't.[/quote'] Thanks j'dore I wish OW in my stitch was like you then. it sucked to not only.discover my h was cheating but to also deal with that drama on top of it. She was immediately hostile as soon as she heard my voice. Demanded I put him on the phone, which I declined. I actually said "I'm not going to put my husband on the phone. How long have you been involved with my husband" and from that point she lost it, if you havnt read my posts, one example is that she asked me if I liked the taste of her p***y...yes, that word. I did lose my shyte after that and gave it right back to her. Then confronted my h, who tried to deny it all...lol What makes it worse is that weeks later we talked...the conversation was civil...or so I thought. She apologized and all, but I was able to confirm she told me a few lies. She also told me that my husband thought of her when he had sex with me...just twisting the knife but I let that go, didnt even call her on it, and I thought that was it...then several weeks later she blows up my phone and when I finally answered, she was talking crazy stuff...like she was drunk or had been stewing over it all. She didnt know i had read their texts from before dday as well as the ones she kept sending after dday. It was 4am by the way...I blocked her after that. And now take nothing she told me as truth but based off of their texts and my H admission, which was confirmed by the texts. He even gave me is A phone to go get the messages pulled when I told him what she was telling me. So I pretty much know the facts now. Sorry to tj Canuck...I guess to bring it back ot, that is an example of what not to do...
Author canuckprincess Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 I know the best way would have been to go NC on dday or to never started the affair in the first place but that ship has sailed. Now I just want to make the craziness to stop. The question is how? Your wasting your time if suggesting that I just end things, that's not an option.
sweet_pea Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I know the best way would have been to go NC on dday or to never started the affair in the first place but that ship has sailed. Now I just want to make the craziness to stop. The question is how? Your wasting your time if suggesting that I just end things, that's not an option. Why is it not an option? 1
So happy together Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Why is it not an option? Because there is love involved? Because in her mind, she wants the relationship to continue? Give me just a small break here. OP, you said you want the craziness to stop... can I ask what that would mean for you? What would happen if you told the BS? What would the outcome be? Would it be something that you want? Would it end your R with MM?
2sure Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Having been a BS, I'm all for letting her know. And I think OW is often the right person to do it. When I was still suspicious but being manipulated by my X, I would have been thankful for a phone call, an email, something that verified my suspicions and also offered some solid proof I wasn't imagining things. I didn't get either but I figured it out eventually. He was not a one OW kind of guy. I see many OW here contemplating telling BS in the hopes that this will force the issue one way or the other. But just like OW decides to wait it out to see what happens, so does BS. And the fence sitter stays right there. To me, that means WS has chosen to stay. To OW it seems often to mean BS won't make him leave, or let him leave. What's the difference? Nothing changed. So, if you decide to tell BS you want to prepare yourself for both what you want and what you get. Either way, to me, it's what you need. 4
So happy together Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Having been a BS, I'm all for letting her know. And I think OW is often the right person to do it. When I was still suspicious but being manipulated by my X, I would have been thankful for a phone call, an email, something that verified my suspicions and also offered some solid proof I wasn't imagining things. I didn't get either but I figured it out eventually. He was not a one OW kind of guy. I see many OW here contemplating telling BS in the hopes that this will force the issue one way or the other. But just like OW decides to wait it out to see what happens, so does BS. And the fence sitter stays right there. To me, that means WS has chosen to stay. To OW it seems often to mean BS won't make him leave, or let him leave. What's the difference? Nothing changed. So, if you decide to tell BS you want to prepare yourself for both what you want and what you get. Either way, to me, it's what you need. I don't agree with meddling, but I can see your point. I'm sure there are a million reasons that WS don't leave the marriage, but the fact is, if the OW wants them to leave and they don't/won't it is a waste of precious time. The problem is, it is difficult to end something when you love someone. I was one who waited. I didn't wait very long, but I DID stay in the R because I am in love with my MM(at the time). However, I did give him a timeline and if he hadn't stuck to it, I would have walked. I love him, but I love myself too. I wouldn't have waited forever. I also disagree with OW telling BS about the affair in an attempt to get the MM to leave. It almost never works. The MM has to make the decision on his own, it's that simple. 1
wanting more Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I know the best way would have been to go NC on dday or to never started the affair in the first place but that ship has sailed. Now I just want to make the craziness to stop. The question is how? Your wasting your time if suggesting that I just end things, that's not an option. Why is it not an option?? I don't understand that. If you want to make the craziness stop, stop it. 1
seren Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I don't agree with meddling, but I can see your point. I'm sure there are a million reasons that WS don't leave the marriage, but the fact is, if the OW wants them to leave and they don't/won't it is a waste of precious time. The problem is, it is difficult to end something when you love someone. I was one who waited. I didn't wait very long, but I DID stay in the R because I am in love with my MM(at the time). However, I did give him a timeline and if he hadn't stuck to it, I would have walked. I love him, but I love myself too. I wouldn't have waited forever. I also disagree with OW telling BS about the affair in an attempt to get the MM to leave. It almost never works. The MM has to make the decision on his own, it's that simple. I couldn't agree more, it is for the WS to be the person to tell the BS that they no longer want to be married, after all, it's their marriage. I wish more people in A's would have expectations that the A ended and not enable the WS to have their cake and eat it. If a WS has the intention to leave and be with the AP then why should the AP hang on until the time is right for the WS. Were I an AP I would be as mad as hell if the person who I loved and loved me had the feelings of the BS ahead of my own. Marriages and relationships end all the time, of course they are messy, painful and can be costly, but surely far better than years of lies, gaslighting and juggling. I would let the WS know that you (general) were not prepared to wait for (insert reason) and that you would go NC until they had sorted their life out and were able to commit to an exclusive relationship. If the OW had told me, then the basic fact of an A would be enough, I would take my questions to my H. Don't be shocked though if he turns it all around, blames you and they circle the wagons while they sort their marriage out, either to reconcile or end, either way it rarely goes well for the AP if they spring a D Day without the WS agreeing. Though if they agreed it doesn't say much about them if they need the AP to do it for them, nor if they are hoping for the BS to end the marriage, if the WS is unhappy, they need to fix it. Their marriage, their business. 3
kareena Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I would imagine the best way would be to be completely honest and just take it whatever her reaction might be. No need to go into A details,that will only hurt her unless she asks specific questions then you owe her the answers. My xMM's W confronted me at one point and I lied through my teeth to her face.I even had the audacity to call her crazy and make her doubt her own doubts. I was selfish and foolish and took her conversation as a challenge rather than a woman scorn trying to understand what was going on in her own M,which made me cling to MM even more because for some stupid reason that made it personal and I wanted to "win" whatever that means. I regret it,because I know that til this very day and even after they got divorced she knows in her heart that something was going on between me and him but was never able to prove it. I did think about coming clean but I feel like at this point it won't really matter and I honestly can't look her in the eye. I applaud you for having the courage to take that step,good luck with everything and keep posting! 4
Author canuckprincess Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Why is it not an option?? I don't understand that. If you want to make the craziness stop, stop it. It's not an option because I am in love with him and I don't want to end it.
save150 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Please this question is for bs's who suspect an affair is going on or still going on. What would be the kindest, gentlest way for your ws or ow to tell you that the affair is still going on? As a BS, I can't think of any kind or gentle way or even entertain the fact that there is a kinder and gentler side to being betrayed. Or being the betrayer. I believe the ws should be the one to tell however if that isn't happening is there a secondary way to find out? WS's will get careless. When that happens you go into stealth mode and get your evidence. Emails, chats, texts, phone records - all of it. Then you can strike...er...confront. See...in my world, evidence...knowledge - its all power. And in that time of discovery, no matter what they say or how you feel, you're going to need that power. It may not be evident in the first few months during your rollercoaster, but you'll see. It's the knowledge and the power that will help you towards an informed decision. And I'll be blunt and somewhat cruel. I took great satisfaction of presenting all the evidence to WS and OW. And after I did a background check on OW. Oh they kept it up in an EA for a few months after. It just fueled the evidence. Until one of them had a "AH HA" moment. Treasure those moments. 1
Author canuckprincess Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 As a BS, I can't think of any kind or gentle way or even entertain the fact that there is a kinder and gentler side to being betrayed. Or being the betrayer. WS's will get careless. When that happens you go into stealth mode and get your evidence. Emails, chats, texts, phone records - all of it. Then you can strike...er...confront. See...in my world, evidence...knowledge - its all power. And in that time of discovery, no matter what they say or how you feel, you're going to need that power. It may not be evident in the first few months during your rollercoaster, but you'll see. It's the knowledge and the power that will help you towards an informed decision. And I'll be blunt and somewhat cruel. I took great satisfaction of presenting all the evidence to WS and OW. And after I did a background check on OW. Oh they kept it up in an EA for a few months after. It just fueled the evidence. Until one of them had a "AH HA" moment. Treasure those moments. Ok none of this applies to my original thread. Bs knows about the affair, not because ws got caught but because he told her. That was a long time ago, my question pertains to what's happened since dday. I feel guilt and I'm not proud of what I've done and I have trouble looking in the mirror. I truly feel like a monster for what I've done. In all other aspects in my life I'm considered a very caring loving person who always puts other people's needs ahead of my own. I know you don't believe that but it's true.
Author canuckprincess Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Does he love you too? If so..why won't he leave his marriage for you? Yes he loves me, the problem is he still loves his wife as well. I have never asked him to leave his marriage.
wanting more Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) It's not an option because I am in love with him and I don't want to end it. I understand the love part, I really do. But you're on an OW/OM board asking for advice. You must be seeing or feeling something different. Most (not all) OW/OM on here because they want something to change, whether that's the married person leaving or the AP leaving. My A ended horribly with a 2nd d-day. We had been involved for over 3 years, and less than a month prior to d-day we had gone away together and had a great time. Needless to say after this d-day, my A ended quickly and very ugly. I didn't know how I was going to survive. My heart was broken, my world turned upside down. I cried all the time. I barely functioned. It was one if the toughest things to go thru. But I did get thru it. Slowly. Them there was a d-day at home with my SO. another horrible, heart breaking time. But once again I survived. And came out stronger. The point to my post is that while the A was going on, I didn't question the A. Of course I wanted to be with him (and thought he wanted to be with me) but I never went searching for advice from strangers because I was happy. I WAS a HOW. I think (with the exception of a couple happy OW/OM who offer advice) most people who come on these forums are starting to see that the A is not enough anymore. Whether its looking for people whose MM/MW have left the M, or the OW/OM has ended the A, you're looking for a change. When the craziness starts, or the loneliness, or just so many unanswered questions start, it's also time for you to start changing things. That may be an ultimatum with a time line for him to leave, or you leave. It takes a lot of soul searching. It's a very very hard thing to process (the A ending) but how long is up to you. That's why I asked my question earlier. Why don't you end it. The answer of I can't because I love him is a very common answer. The reason I said I don't understand why you can't end it, is because if the A is getting to you do much that you're asking BSs for advice in how to tell, it's time to step back and really examine the relationship again. It's not always a fairy tale ending where live conquers all. You have to stand up for yourself and what you want. Edited July 17, 2013 by wanting more 1
Author canuckprincess Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 I understand the love part, I really do. But you're on an OW/OM board asking for advice. You must be seeing or feeling something different. Most (not all) OW/OM on here because they want something to change, whether that's the married person leaving or the AP leaving. My A ended horribly with a 2nd d-day. We had been involved for over 3 years, and less than a month prior to d-day we had gone away together and had a great time. Needless to say after this d-day, my A ended quickly and very ugly. I didn't know how I was going to survive. My heart was broken, my world turned upside down. I cried all the time. I barely functioned. It was one if the toughest things to go thru. But I did get thru it. Slowly. Them there was a d-day at home with my SO. another horrible, heart breaking time. But once again I survived. And came out stronger. The point to my post is that while the A was going on, I didn't question the A. Of course I wanted to be with him (and thought he wanted to be with me) but I never went searching for advice from strangers because I was happy. I WAS a HOW. I think (with the exception of a couple happy OW/OM who offer advice) most people who come on these forums are starting to see that the A is not enough anymore. Whether its looking for people whose MM/MW have left the M, or the OW/OM has ended the A, you're looking for a change. When the craziness starts, or the loneliness, or just so many unanswered questions start, it's also time for you to start changing things. That may be an ultimatum with a time line for him to leave, or you leave. It takes a lot of soul searching. It's a very very hard thing to process (the A ending) but how long is up to you. That's why I asked my question earlier. Why don't you end it. The answer of I can't because I love him is a very common answer. The reason I said I don't understand why you can't end it, is because if the A is getting to you do much that you're asking BSs for advice in how to tell, it's time to step back and really examine the relationship again. It's not always a fairy tale ending where live conquers all. You have to stand up for yourself and what you want. Thank you for your wonderful response. I think your right, I do have to stand up for me. 4
underwater2010 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 There is no "kind" way to say that I am having an affair. And the heartbreak that comes from "I continued even after you found out" is pure torture. The best thing you can do is just say I am leaving. As for being the OW and trying to reveal the truth a second time....there is no kind way.....just say the truth like you should when you are confronted the first time.
Author canuckprincess Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 There is no "kind" way to say that I am having an affair. And the heartbreak that comes from "I continued even after you found out" is pure torture. The best thing you can do is just say I am leaving. As for being the OW and trying to reveal the truth a second time....there is no kind way.....just say the truth like you should when you are confronted the first time. We were never "caught" the first time. And since there's no kind gentle way to be honest maybe I'll just say nothing at all. So happy together, I think your advice is the best for all involved. However if she asks I will answer all her questions truthfully, and with as much compassion as I have and I do have compassion.
Owl Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 So this begs the question...what's your "reason" or "motivation" behind telling her that the afffair is still going on? What is it that you hope will occur as a result? What do you expect her to do with this informaiton? If you don't want the affair to end...telling her is probably not in your best interests. If she wants to remain married to him...she's going to fight tooth and nail to end the affair.
Author canuckprincess Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 So this begs the question...what's your "reason" or "motivation" behind telling her that the afffair is still going on? What is it that you hope will occur as a result? What do you expect her to do with this informaiton? If you don't want the affair to end...telling her is probably not in your best interests. If she wants to remain married to him...she's going to fight tooth and nail to end the affair. First off its not an affair in our opinion. It may not be in my best interest but that wasn't the concern. I'm not as selfish as many may think so if being honest cost me my relationship them that's what's meant to be. I just want the insanity to stop. Everyone says the bs has a right to know, and I agree unless she doesn't want to know and if that's the case who am I to tell her.
Author canuckprincess Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 How can sleeping with a married person whose spouse does not know not be an affair? Just give him two weeks to tell her and provide proof or tell her yourself. That's the only way for the insanity to stop. What, if anything, are you worried about? I have not and will not give him an ultimatum. It's was an affair until dday but not now.
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