biolady Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 around 6 weeks ago the guy I was seeing broke it off with me. Bear with me because the whole thing is a bit of a mess and will take some time to explain. We were seeing each other for around 9 months, with a 1 month 'break.' Basically as soon as I met him I was attracted to him...he made me feel about 15 again...I usually let guys chase and try my best not to seem too impressed, but after i first kissed this guy, I was the one to add him on facebook etc. He gave me his number and we started texting and seeing each other. at this stage it was more of a 'friends with benefits' situation (although I made him wait a awhile). I knew from the second or third time that I was already way way way out of my depth but stupidly I pushed my feelings down. I tried to detatch sex from emotion, which I know I can do because I've managed 2 'fwb' relationships amicably and successfully in the past. However just before christmas he suddenly went cold and funny and said we should just 'be friends' for now. I did a bit of digging and assumed he wasnt over someone else, a girl he had met while on holiday. Anyway, still being semi in my right mind, i was like 'well **** this then' and went cold turkey (no or minimal contact). I called up one of my other 'friends' from the past to disract me and studied for my exams. I know this seems extreme but for some reason this guy had got a hold on me. I never ever stopped thinking about him. Just after Christmas he got back in touch, we started talking again almost every day and eventually it led back to where it was before...in bed. The whole time my mind was like WHAT ARE YOU DOING but it was like I was possessed and couldnt stop myself. I guess part of it was the fact he was so good in bed...I've slept with a few guys and never ever once has anyone made me feel even half as good as he did. We used to hang around and study etc together as well, and spend time together when we werent just having sex. We'd text and talk on facebook chat 24/7 (11,000 fbc messages haha) and I guess this just deepened and deepened the connection for me. Anyway we carried on, and I never asked him the 'relationship' question because I was scared of and also knew the answer. The whole time through I assumed he was seeing other people...I KNOW I should have asked but I was too deep in/jealous/scared of the answer. This led me to a couple of drunk mistakes when I had no idea where I stood with him, which was weak minded and stupid of me. Ofc I used protection and blah blah. He knew about one of them and seemed mildly pissed off but he doesnt talk much about feelings. I didnt feel it was going anywhere and so I tried to end things, which he actually looked upset about...but he wouldn't commit. Of course being the stupid twat I am I went straight back to him as soon as we were back at University for exams in the summer. For a while it seemed like things were progressing in a positive direction, spending more time together, being more coupley etc. So eventually I asked him if he was seeing other people...and he told me that no, he wasnt, and hadnt slept with anyone ese since we started seeing each other in October, and even when we were on a break. I asked him why and he said he didn't know. He also told me that he 'friendzoned' me over christmas because it seemed like 'a good idea at the time' and he was confused and also that he 'treated me mean to keen me keen' as it were. After massive chats with a new friend (as I was a complete ball of stress at this point) I plucked up the courage to tell him my feelings. I told him that I couldnt hack being casual with someone I cared about so much and spoke to everyday. And heres the killer: I told him the truth, that i loved him. I did, I do, despite everything. So yeah turns out 'quelle surprise' that he didnt love me back. However he still insisted I stay the night and we had what was possiby the best sex of my life, and amazing for him too, according to him. He also told me that I was lovely, and that he didn't want to lose me from his life, and that he was sorry he couldnt give me what I deserve. He asked me why I wasn't angry. I told him because I cared about him and wanted him to be happy, so my anger would be futile. I told him I only did stupid things because I assumed he was doing them too and was too cowardly to ask. I asked if there was someone else, perhaps the girl from his holiday, on his mind. He said that that wasnt it, and that he was sorry he couldnt give me a better reason. After a few stupid drunk rows I decided to go no contact, whats the point for someone that doesnt feel the same way? We have spoken a couple of times since, and it has to be said that since we stopped sleeping together he has become a much much nicer person toward me...if he forgets to reply to a text or something he'll apologize and send me an essay reply. Dont worry peeps ive stopped replying. We used to clash a lot, and I never show people my softer side, and I think maybe he feels guilty, because I basically showed him this and he told me he never realised how I felt. Although thats justa theory. Hes going away soon with some friends he met on the holiday (including this girl, although he has told me on multiple occasions nothings happening there again) and its playing on my mind. I'm not as busy as I usually am atm or as busy as him atm, and over the last few weeks ive felt worse than I ever have- its like all the light and interest has gone out of everything. I can't believe it went on for so long or that I kept going back to someone who was bad for me. I feel like no one will measure up, although I know thats ridiculous because how could no one measure up to someone I never really fully had. I have to face him again in september and he's determined to be friends but I've told him over and over that I can't. I also run a society he is part of, and the thought of seeing him all over girls on the nights out that I have to attend (like most guys he'll go for anything) is way too much to bear. I let this get in the way of my exams this year and I can't afford for it to happen again. Summer also feels like an endless empty mission: I'm working and doing a few bits and bobs but too broke to go properly travelling or whatever. I'm so bored and down and most of my friends at home have jobs and arent free to distract me 90% of the time. I feel like i'll never be happy again and for what. Has anyone been through something similiar? Sorry for the essay
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