katieo83 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) So, I asked for advice in a previous thread about what to do with regards to this guy I have been dating for a month. I concluded that, though it was early, to broach the 'what are we' conversation. When I asked him if we were dating, he replied that it was too early to have that conversation. Now, bear in mind that I only see him once a week, he never calls, and texts sparingly. However, our once a week dates are usually long (6 hrs). Now he's got a suddenly 'wierd work schedule'. To be fair, he is respectful, and cuddly. However, i have also not been introduced to any friends of his. So, my question now is....what is up with this lack of communication? Should I call it quits? (And for what its worth, i like him and made that clear). Edited July 16, 2013 by katieo83
salparadise Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Once a week for a month... so you've had about four dates? He's right, it's too early for that conversation. You're just starting to get to know each other. He's not the fall-in-love-instantly kind of person and wants to let it progress more slowly than your expectation. If he's texting you a few times during the week then he's showing you that he's thinking about you and is interested. Don't act clingy. If you can't handle not being pursued as if there's no tomorrow, then maybe you should question that predisposition as much as his preference for taking it slowly.
Author katieo83 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Once a week for a month... so you've had about four dates? He's right, it's too early for that conversation. You're just starting to get to know each other. He's not the fall-in-love-instantly kind of person and wants to let it progress more slowly than your expectation. If he's texting you a few times during the week then he's showing you that he's thinking about you and is interested. Don't act clingy. If you can't handle not being pursued as if there's no tomorrow, then maybe you should question that predisposition as much as his preference for taking it slowly. When I brought it up I wasn't trying for a label (such as gf/bf), i wanted to have an idea of what he wanted (or might want).
clia Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 So, I asked for advice in a previous thread about what to do with regards to this guy I have been dating for a month. I concluded that, though it was early, to broach the 'what are we' conversation. When I asked him if we were dating, he replied that it was too early to have that conversation. Now, bear in mind that I only see him once a week, he never calls, and texts sparingly. However, our once a week dates are usually long (6 hrs). Now he's got a suddenly 'wierd work schedule'. To be fair, he is respectful, and cuddly. However, i have also not been introduced to any friends of his. So, my question now is....what is up with this lack of communication? Should I call it quits? (And for what its worth, i like him and made that clear). Well, if you like him, you can keep seeing him once a week. However, you should also be dating other guys and keeping your options open, because at this point he doesn't want a relationship with you. You mentioned in your other thread that he typically asks you out for a Tuesday or Wednesday night. Honestly -- it isn't a good sign that he hasn't asked you out for a Friday or Saturday night by now. He doesn't seem to be trying to move forward with a relationship. Only seeing you one time a week might be okay at this point except that you aren't communicating in between the times you see each other. After four weeks, he should be wanting to see more of you and talk to you more -- at least in my opinion. I don't think four weeks is too soon to have some discussion about where things are going, or even exclusivity, depending on the couple and the circumstances. But he appears to be moving slow, slow, slow. You seem to be on the backburner. (It's doubtful he's sitting home the other 6 nights of the week.) If you're fine with it and understand that this might just be a casual thing for him that might not lead anywhere, you have nothing to lose by continuing to see him sometimes. On the other hand, if you are looking for a relationship, this guy really doesn't seem to be going there.
Author katieo83 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Well, if you like him, you can keep seeing him once a week. However, you should also be dating other guys and keeping your options open, because at this point he doesn't want a relationship with you. You mentioned in your other thread that he typically asks you out for a Tuesday or Wednesday night. Honestly -- it isn't a good sign that he hasn't asked you out for a Friday or Saturday night by now. He doesn't seem to be trying to move forward with a relationship. Only seeing you one time a week might be okay at this point except that you aren't communicating in between the times you see each other. After four weeks, he should be wanting to see more of you and talk to you more -- at least in my opinion. I don't think four weeks is too soon to have some discussion about where things are going, or even exclusivity, depending on the couple and the circumstances. But he appears to be moving slow, slow, slow. You seem to be on the backburner. (It's doubtful he's sitting home the other 6 nights of the week.) If you're fine with it and understand that this might just be a casual thing for him that might not lead anywhere, you have nothing to lose by continuing to see him sometimes. On the other hand, if you are looking for a relationship, this guy really doesn't seem to be going there. Ugh. You voiced all my concerns perfectly. I do kind of feel like im on the back burner. Then when i hear about all the stuff he does for fun (that i dont get invited to) it burns a little. Plays, movies, concerts, etc. I actually suggested a Friday date, and he seems ok with it but idk. I don't want to be clingy, but I also don't want to waste my time!
superchick Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Totally agree with clia. If the dates aren't happening during the weekend, he barely calls or texts and he is unwilling to discuss dating goals in general, then chances of you becoming his gf are slim. I dated a man like that back in the past and it didn't go far - his lack of interest eventually turned me off. My boyfriend of almost two years has been pursuing me since the day we met and he has never stopped - he's always on top of his game and I hope you, too, find a person who will actively be seeking you and your presence. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 When a man is really into you - you know it. A guy who's into you, especially in the beginning wouldn't dream of leaving you home on a Friday or Saturday. They want to see you as much as possible. They are checking in about your day. You know this is the case, or you wouldn't be posting about it. Go with your gut. A guy who is nuts about you and a lukewarm dude is the difference between night and day.
LOSTnMT Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 From a guys perspective you are probably the 3rd girl in the lineup. I would be shocked if he isn't dating somebody else. Sorry to hear that
Author katieo83 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Oh my. He asks you 'out' for a Wednesday night but not on the weekends? Those are prime time dating nights. If you're being reduced to weeknights, it's because someone is taking precedence on the weekends, sure as the sun rises. Secondly, do you honestly think he's going to plays and movies and concerts and all these things with his guy friends or family members? That is extremely doubtful. Oh, I'm sure he's claiming to you that he's going to concerts and plays with his buddies or his sister or his cousin or his Aunt Tilly from Toledo, but that's just a huge crock of bull. And I think you know that. You're not even second string - he's got you at 3rd string. Honestly, you need to move on. Someone who can only squeeze you in on a Wednesday night because he's too busy doing his REAL dating on the weekends isn't worth the time of day. Please don't even consider embarrassing yourself by asking this clown for a weekend date. And for the love of ALL that is good and holy, don't even consider asking him what your status is, because it's "third string." And lastly, DON'T have sex with him or you'll feel 1,000 times WORSE than you do now. You will NOT 'win' him with sex so don't even consider it (if you were). Seriously. Move on. This is all so discouraging. What makes it worse is that he's been dating up by going out with me. In other words...he's a heavy guy dating a thin chick. He's awkward, and apologized for sending mixed signals but said he's interested in me. When we're together i have no doubts...but then the doubts creep in when theres little contact.
salparadise Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Ugh. You voiced all my concerns perfectly. I do kind of feel like im on the back burner. Then when i hear about all the stuff he does for fun (that i dont get invited to) it burns a little. Plays, movies, concerts, etc. I actually suggested a Friday date, and he seems ok with it but idk. I don't want to be clingy, but I also don't want to waste my time! With this new info about him only wanting to see you on weeknights, then telling you about going to plays, movies, concerts, etc., with who knows who, I revise my opinion... perhaps he is a multi-dater extraordinaire. It also explains his response to the question. So, depending on how sure you are of the scenario, your degree of interest in him, and your tolerance multi-dating early on... you could decline weeknight invites and see if you get moved to primetime, or just write him off. I will say though, that he hasn't done anything wrong per se, he's just dating as opposed to going into instant fixation/relationship mode. It's understandable that the ladies here don't like it, but many do the exact same thing in the interest of being selective and/or promoting a competitive atmosphere among suitors.
Adele0908 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 If you don't really like him, then end the situation. But if you like him, then keep seeing him. I agree that 1 month is too early to be asking "What are we?" Just relax and enjoy getting to know him. Don't expect too much at this early stage. It takes time to get comfortable with people. Taking it slow makes it more likely to last actually. If after a few months you still aren't sure if the relationship is what you want, just ask "What are you looking for right now?" It's less invasive and demanding than "What are we?" or "Where is this going?"
Author katieo83 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) With this new info about him only wanting to see you on weeknights, then telling you about going to plays, movies, concerts, etc., with who knows who, I revise my opinion... perhaps he is a multi-dater extraordinaire. It also explains his response to the question. So, depending on how sure you are of the scenario, your degree of interest in him, and your tolerance multi-dating early on... you could decline weeknight invites and see if you get moved to primetime, or just write him off. I will say though, that he hasn't done anything wrong per se, he's just dating as opposed to going into instant fixation/relationship mode. It's understandable that the ladies here don't like it, but many do the exact same thing in the interest of being selective and/or promoting a competitive atmosphere among suitors. He actually never told me about all the stuff he does for fun...social media told me when he posts things about activities. I did ask for a Friday date, and he agreed...and when i told him that I'd like to talk more to him, he increased the texts a bit. Now...the concern is this Friday date...... and...i just cannot see a line of women wanting to date him with his weight issues (other than me). Edited July 16, 2013 by katieo83
superchick Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 This is all so discouraging. What makes it worse is that he's been dating up by going out with me. In other words...he's a heavy guy dating a thin chick. He's awkward, and apologized for sending mixed signals but said he's interested in me. When we're together i have no doubts...but then the doubts creep in when theres little contact. That's the type of guy I dated (heavier, awkward) and it still didn't matter - he would only contact once a week to schedule a date and while the dates were fun and he appeared interested, he was unable to give more in the long run. We're not trying to discourage you but hopefully you stay mindful of the fact that lukewarm men rarely pick up the pace.
Author katieo83 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 That's the type of guy I dated (heavier, awkward) and it still didn't matter - he would only contact once a week to schedule a date and while the dates were fun and he appeared interested, he was unable to give more in the long run. We're not trying to discourage you but hopefully you stay mindful of the fact that lukewarm men rarely pick up the pace. I know. Well... im thinking of not contacting him at all. If he wants to reaffirm the Friday date, then so be it. Otherwise....the ball is in Mister Lukewarm's court now. Hope i can at least be friends with him.
Socks At Play Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 We're not trying to discourage you but hopefully you stay mindful of the fact that lukewarm men rarely pick up the pace. How about taking the lead and upping the pace yourself? If you don't like the rate of the dates then reach out to him and schedule some yourself. I can't speak for all "lukewarm men," but I'm an introvert so I am rather comfortable with a social calendar that has lots of free space in it. If after a few dates the woman takes the initiative to show me/tell me what she wants/expects in this regard, I'm more likely to catch on and contact her more frequently.
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