springbubble Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I do not know where to begin. Truthfully I have searched online for months and keep reading articles similar but not the same as my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year. He told me in the beginning that he had a high drive - which suits me just fine, mine is also quite high. The first 3 months was perfect, and we made love nearly everyday. But soon after it dropped. Making love now only happens on my initiation. Only on my initiation now. I have tried leaving him alone, buying fancy underwear, loosing weight, nothing works. It is like he doesn't want me anymore. It is also the only thing we argue about, almost every other week. Usually because I initiate and I am rejected. I somethings think he only says yes to be to get a break. Ive felt so very disconnected from him. I sometimes think I do not know how he is. Talking to him makes it worse. Last night it came to a head - in the morning while showering he told me he was saving himself for later. When later cam around that night I got rejected. he said "cant a man play hard to get?" I said "I would really like to play hard to get" and then he said" are we having this argument again"... I cried on the sofa till late then slept in the spare room. I always said to him the day we start sleeping in separate rooms its over. I guess it is. I asked to speak to him tonight - he said he has plans. I need advise - real advise, does it get better? Can it? What can I do? Even though I love him is it a lost cause? I'm truly lost. I want it to work, I want a normal love life - i love him dearly... but I don't/ can't take this.
assiral Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Honey, my best advice is: get out of this relationship. It doesn't get better - my ex and I had this same problem and we stayed together for over a year and half (I was hoping at SOME point things were gonna get better - they didn't). It might not be because of you at all, in my case, my ex had a small penis that combined with his health problems, lowered down his sex drive and pleasure in sex. So he just didn't want to do it at all and I was the one always begging for it. 2
Author springbubble Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 I'm arranging to speak with him - I'm thinking about calling it off - we have lived together since month 2, but now Its like the future is a fog.
Philosoraptor Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Reads like you've been dissatisified for the last 9 months, which is 75% of your relationship. If he is unwilling to talk or take any initiative on this you'd be best to start your healing and find someone who treats your feelings, and needs, much better.
kassy Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I once had a boyfriend who was under lots of stress and lost his sex drive completely for about 5 months. It was awful. I know he told me it wasn't me, and like you I tried everything, and felt very rejected and inadequate. When the stress was over, like literally the day it ended his sex drive came back and all was good in the world again. However life is full of stressful situations and I couldn't go through that again. As you have only been together a year, it's not long for him to lose his sex drive... But long enough to know its unlikely to get back to how it was. As much as you love him, this isn't a small problem. You should leave and find someone more compatible. They are out there and it's really much better to spend time with someone who likes sex at the same frequency as yourself. Believe me it is a very good reason to break up with someone, don't listen to anyone who says otherwise
MoonSiren Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 it sounds like he is cheating on you. Get. out. now.
MidwestUSA Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 "Saving himself for later"? Or for someone else?
Author springbubble Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 I don't think he's cheating. I have been cheated on I know the "difference" in them. If that makes sense. I would go with uninterested - for the most part he is affectionate. I know he gets a hard he just doesn't want to with me. Or doesn't want to. Ive never had anything like it before.
SoleMate Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Erich, I do see some validity in what you say, and we need to stay focussed on the OP's specific situation. OP, it seems the two of you are not sexually compatible for whatever reason. It's up to you to see if there's a way you can address it or live with it; otherwise you should decide to leave. The one thing you must stop doing is arguing or nagging about it. That is guaranteed to backfire as it is the opposite of sexy. Please consider reading The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis as it is a comprehensive and practical guide to this complex and sensitive issue. There are many possible root causes; some have simple solutions but you really need to get the facts to figure out whether yours does or not. You ask, "Does it get better?" No one knows for sure but I believe it is highly unlikely that something like this will spontaneously resolve itself. 1
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I don't think he's cheating. I have been cheated on I know the "difference" in them. If that makes sense. I would go with uninterested - for the most part he is affectionate. I know he gets a hard he just doesn't want to with me. Or doesn't want to. Ive never had anything like it before. Could be a million reasons. Maybe something to do with his upbringing or some complex. The thing is, the two of you are not compatible. Sorry OP
Author springbubble Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 He's leaving in 20mins to be home when I get there... I think he is packing - ohhh god
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 He's leaving in 20mins to be home when I get there... I think he is packing - ohhh god Probably the best for you both OP, I'm sorry
sweetkiwi Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I think you are dating my ex fiance. GET OUT NOW. I went for two years like that, and it never got better, only worse. Give yourself to someone who wants you, not someone keeping you around for comfort and convenience. 2
Author springbubble Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 I leave work in 30mins - how can I handle this with strength and not breakdown... my gut is twisted
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I leave work in 30mins - how can I handle this with strength and not breakdown... my gut is twisted I think quite possibly you will feel better when it's out in the open? I had what I thought would be a very emotional conversation on Sunday but it was much better when I was there with the person. 2
Author springbubble Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Best to say nothing then - just let him pack?
KatZee Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I leave work in 30mins - how can I handle this with strength and not breakdown... my gut is twisted Just remind yourself that you've done everything you can to spark some sort of interest in him. Remind yourself that you've not been happy at all. It may hurt your ego if he's the one leaving you, but know in the end this will be for the best. You two do not have long term compatibility between you both to have made this last. It probably should have been over a long time ago.
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Best to say nothing then - just let him pack? I think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel. Then let him pack. 2
TaraMaiden Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Best to say nothing then - just let him pack? Are you sure that's why he's coming home early? To pack? I'd write him a note: In it, say: "I'm leaving for work now. Point one: I'd like to see you gone by the time I get back. Point two: If that's your intention anyway, then I completely agree with your decision. Point three: If it isn't, then read point one." Put it in an envelope, leave it where he will find it - and go to work.
Author springbubble Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Am I sure thats why he's coming home early? He said he wanted to be home before I get there... i assumed the packing. But theres no reason to be home before me otherwise.
xilver Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I am kinda the same way as him. I don't initiate sex too often. My ex and I argued about that too. The thing is when I did initiate it it was like a 50/50 or maybe even 30/70 that she didn't want to. So for someone like me who is a bit shy and doesn't initiate much anyway well that just compounded the issue. The only difference here is that whenever she initiated I was all in every time. I would never tell her I'm saving it for later. I can't imagine why he would repeatedly turn you down. I think he has gone too far and I can kinda relate with him.
Author springbubble Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 I'm leaving in 5 mins - any last slither of advice before I go and have my life torn apart?
ChessPieceFace Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Assuming there's nothing else you can do to raise your attractiveness / look the same as you did at the beginning of the relationship, I don't know how this can really be solved. It's sort of like "how can you make someone like you?" and the answer is usually that you can't. Generally, people either want things or they don't. You've made efforts to initiate sex, he's not interested, now it's a giant and constant issue. He's not fulfilling part of the relationship that's a deal-breaker to you. My advice (in order of action) 1.) Find out if there's some external reason (porn, cheating, medication side-effects) that is causing his lack of interest. 2.) Make every effort to raise your attractiveness at least to where it was at the beginning of the relationship. 3.) Find a way psychologically to make sex something to be desired again, rather than a chore. 4.) Explain to him rationally (without whining / begging / blaming) that lack of sex is a deal-breaker for you and that if you can't get what you want out of the relationship, the relationship is coming to an end. 5.) End it, or at least break up over it so he knows you're serious. There was at least one thread where a guy started taking Champix and lost all sex drive, and that's common. Maybe check into that first.
TaraMaiden Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I'm leaving in 5 mins - any last slither of advice before I go and have my life torn apart? Excuse me for saying so, but - don't resort to melodrama. The fact is and the fact remains that there is an incompatibility here. You want sex, he doesn't. It's caused friction, un-ease, unrest and unhappiness between you. If anything 'tore your life apart', that did. This is in fact the first step you're taking in reclaiming your life, your freedom and the definite and entirely feasible possibility of you finding a guy who thinks you are so hot, he can't keep his hands off you, ever, and desires you in the way you deserve to be desired. 3
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Assuming there's nothing else you can do to raise your attractiveness / look the same as you did at the beginning of the relationship, I don't know how this can really be solved. Ah, yes. Primary reason must be the woman's need to "raise her attractiveness." FYI, people in actual working ltr's understand that their partner WILL go through different stages of (objective) "attractiveness," including getting older. EVEN MEN!!! When people choose to join their lives in this way, they are actually signing up to accept this and to do their part towards maintaining and improving the harmony in their relationship. Doing their best, and trying to bring their best. That would encompass contributing to a happy and fulfilling sexual life as well as taking care of ones physical self. EVEN MEN. Exhausting. OP - no matter whether he's packing or what, 2 things: You are sexually incompatible and it would take a LOT of work and commitment on both your sides to change this. It sounds like a lost cause (sorry) since he has demonstrated zero interest in participating in making such a change. And, you NEED (for yourself) to tell him how YOU feel. With NO guilt tripping or recriminations. And with no end goal of trying to change anything. You need to go forward from this relationship without carrying the baggage of feeling undesirable. I think this is on him, whether he has no sex drive, maybe is using a lot of porn, has "issues," or it's something about how he's relating to you. Frankly, if he's so ready to quit on your sex life and now to pack, he may have had one foot out the door for some time now. 1
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