I could have stopped

[Mischief]

Today is one of those really bad days.....

 

Having to be constantly drunk just so that I'm so inebriated i cant have a go at suicide.

 

Why though i don't understand...how can i expect anyone else to understand how one person can make me feel this way....

 

I never used to feel ever ever nothing used to shake me nothing used to burden me until this girl.

 

I would like to clarify at this point....she never ever once asked me for any of these thing all shes ever asked for was a slush puppy when we watched movies...

 

I don't have much..i really don't Ive never ever cared for anything materialistic...all I've ever cared for was knowledge for the beautiful soul over the beautiful exterior...i never had...but i gave her everything....

 

Before we even met i sent her roses roses she loved in her favorite color...and even before she called me to tell me she liked them, she called one of the oh so very many guys in her life to ask him what he's going to do in retaliation.

 

I met her...as usual far far away from her house since i wasn't deemed worthy for her family a fact i only realized much much later i believed with great naivety that she was tentative of me meeting them because we so very recently started going out

 

She was everything i dreamed of everything i didn't dream of she was whole all encompassing...she was mine she was my girlfriend in my arms smiling the secret smile that nobody knew and it was only for me...

 

We had the most wonderful day absolutely the english dictionary does not have the words for what it was we shared we felt that night...i took her to places shes never been watched her face light up like i had never seen i loved her with every fibre of my being....we had dinner we had dinner at a place shed never been but would soon become her regular hang out with every single guy shed ever be with...we watched a movie...for the first time she held my hand...so tight and warm...little did i know it was because it was dark and nobody would see us holding hands...

 

She loved so whole heartedly so completely i believed her fully...everything she said i believed with unwavering innocence....i promised myself i would never love i promised i would never love..here she was begging to meet me...and i wouldn't say no how could i eve say no to her.....

 

I proposed...stupidity of youth...i suppose...i proposed with a piece of grass rolled into a ring and instead of calling me a stupid retard she said yes....obviously this wouldn't be it...i would propose in grand style when we were both ready i was i final year engineering student and i would make it big someday....

 

I bought her a hello kitty ballon so big and so ridiculous i didn't care she liked kittens she liked the ballon..we were in the car... Was ready to drive her home...don't go she said...don't go...she wanted to spend what remained of the night warm here in my car talking sharing...we talked we talked and we talked and we talked she was my best friend i..sigh i was hers for the briefest of moments...

 

I was so so similar to her ex...so unbelievably similar he was studying mechanical engineering so was i he loved japanese people the culture the language the place...so did i....with one brutally enormous difference he abused her he abused her over and over and over agin verbally physically mentally emotionally for three years...

 

She...she was poor so poor she had nothing she could call her own absolutely nothing....her father left...when she was just a wee little child here began her unrelenting torments....her mother remarried her step father was a drunk an abusive messed up hurtful drunk...he beat their her mother there was so much screaming so,much blood nowhere she or her two other sisters could run to...nowhere..he would come grimacing cruel smile he would come to the bathroom when everything was quiet again when it was to hurtful to fight anymore he would come cruel smile on his face looking down on her.....

 

I can never ever even begin to fathom what happened i cant...i never pried...i waited for her to tell me...i thought we would have our entire lives for her to tell me for her to share with me her life start with me new...no hurt no pain...i never wanted her to forget...i wanted her not to feel her past anymore...not to let it affect her present her future...i prayed i prayed so hard and so long that she be able to have true proper full complete happiness...

 

She she knew hunger so horrific so terrible she thought she would die...she gave up all her meals to her little sister...she was thirteen met the love of her life met him...her ex the ex that would take everything from her every single thing from her and give nothing in return...

 

She was fifteen ran away from home and moved in with him...moved in with him..so that she could finish high school three years with him three brutal agonizing horrific years with him...he used to cut himself just so that she could feel sorry for him so that she could sit in a puddle of his blood helping him caring for him..

 

She shared so much with him she got so much hurt in return...

 

I arrived i believed her when she said it was so different with me...i was never one jealous of him...never once said she couldn't talk to him never once told her what she can or cant do....the only thing i ever said to change her was that she should study llb law instead of ba law solely cause the career options were better for her...she believed me she trusted me..she...probably was my first...hopefully my only love...ever...i don't want to feel...give...hurt the way i do the way i have

ever again...

 

She didn't have enough money to go to varsity...she was so smart so so smart...but now she had moved in with her step family after breaking up with her ex...she was just an obligation to them...i hate them they where what wedged an unmovable wall between us..the only barely took care of her essential needs...

 

I had a plan...we would take out a study loan...just for her first year it would be incredibly hard to convince her...she would never ever agree to incurring debt like her mother...but i had a plan...in her second year i start working and i would pay off her debts pay of her study loan pay for her tuition for our own place where we wouldn't have to worry about the bigot judgment of her step family...

 

I gave her everything...everything it was never about materialistic things never about money or buying her love i wanted her to be comfortable have what she never had...she used to get sick often so i i bought her multi vitamins it was winter now so i gave her my hoodie she loved reading...i gave her all my books so that she could pass time...she was on a gap year till she could figure out how to finance her varsity studies...

 

There where always always so many other guys in her life she promised and gave me the world..but so did she with all the other guys...she lived quite far from me

 

I tried my utmost to visit her every weekend...skipped test and exams so that i cold be with her..ruined my future for which i thought i wold spend with her...she told me..her step cousin had a party and one of his friends stole her fone...that day i put up my uni text books for dale so that i cold buy her a new fone...i didn't have a smart fone but i felt she deserved one

 

Little did i know she used it to talk to her ex talk to her potential soon to be boyfriend talked to the guys that didn't want her to be with me talked to every single person but me...i used to call and text but i would get nothing in return...i never ever hurt her i never swore i never raised my voice ..never said anything demeaning...

 

It was never ever about money i never once told her how much anything cost i never once told her she couldn't have anything...if she looked at something and it made her smile i got it for her...i dunno how or when I was going to buy it but i did...

 

She suggested we go somewhere far together so i booked us into a bed and breakfast...sigh the things she said the moments we shared i thought...i knew this was the girl i was going to marry..i knew it was her...she was the only one and when i wed my lips to her perishable breath i knew my mind would never romp again....we sat for breakfast with the owners of the bed and breakfast and she held my hand...she said i want this..i,want this with you...and my heart melted....she was the one...the only one ever...

 

It was the height of winter....i got her an electric blanket i got her ear muffs airtime god knows worth how much that she spent on every guy in history but me...i got her two different hot water bottles i got her warm winter boots...i dint want to buy her love...i int want her to see me as the guy that bought her stuff i wanted her to be comfortable...had what shes never has...i got her flash drives since shed be needing them soon for varsity...i got her rings and necklaces and dresses anything and everything she wanted...shed never had any of this..now I was here...whatever she needed in life I was going to provide for no matter how big or small

 

I had a poem..a poem i swore i would never ever share with anyone...i wanted to use it as my vows for her...at our wedding she said she was going to marry me..I believed her...she once very long ago mentioned she liked medieval things so i treated paper to make it look like a scroll...i learnt her favorite font of calligraphy and i wrote it down for her.........

 

Never once in the entirety of this...theres probably so much more I've gotten her that doesn't even matter anymore...but never once did she ever say thank you never once...

 

It changed suddenly and brutally she stopped she stopped it all the texting the sending me songs the quotes the i love yous ...i dunno what i did she changed...i never ever did....she claimed she wasn't judgmental,she claimed she didn't care what people think...she changed...started telling me how she loved her ex how she could never love me like that all these brutally nitty gritty detailed that was directly aimed at making me hate her...i couldn't...i..i never ever could...every day when she called id answer id talk to her believe and hope that i could..maybe not change her past but give her a better future...why would she run back to her ex every time to the guy that hurt her so many times over why would she...

 

She doesnt know it...but ive tried talkign to herr sister...even though she has a new boyfriend and is parading herself around with the steely come hithe into my trap guys with all her vanity...i begged her sister to convince her to go to varsity and that i would pay for it all just that she shouldn't ever tell her that I'm the one paying...sigh i just want her to be happy...with whomever...but they're all such stupid clots all of her STEP family...uneducated loud..racist..I want better for her she can do so so much better that this...so very few people know how amazingly smart she is beneath all the facades...i want her to be her own person to be able to take care of herself...her sister...most of all..not to depend on someone...for her to be her own happiness

 

I always start these post with the intention of sharing every single detail...i hope i can tell the full story...but it gets overtly dragged out...and the wounds the wounds are far too gaping wide to heal or to turn to scars...they it every single day hurts so violently....i spend my days in malls or at campus..that way I'm ashamed enough not to commit suicide which is pathetic...having one person affect my life so....i don't expect anyone to understand...i expect most to belittle and laud her..her beauty her courage her ability to move on....I've never believed in god...never ever have...I'm a man of science but every single day i pray that she be happy....

 

Happiness was never meant for me...i make people happy thats my sole purpose...i tried sticking my hand into the pot and it got me this...never ever agin...

 

Aishteru Robyn....infinity times infinity

[lessica]

Okay, I didn't get through all of that... But I think I got the jist of it.

 

First of all, we are for most part a product of environments. Was her environment the racist loud uneducated family??

 

Your love for her sounds to me more like infatuation, which we all go through, but it does make us place people on a pedestal, perceiving them as something they are not.

 

When you think of this girl, where she is from, what her conditioning has been, what her morals are etc. does this match in any way your view of her? Is it possible you are not seeing her for what she really is??

 

You need to be really honest with yourself- you two are not together, why is that? There will be a reason, and a very good one, and for the most part the reason is that one party doesn't love the other.

 

I emphasize with your heartache, we have all been there, and it hurts like a bitch. Keep your chin up, don't drink, don't let your emotions run your life, and be really really honest with yourself.

 

Quite often things aren't what we want, or think, them to be.

[Mischief]

Haha came across as the pathetic doe eyed naive lil one hey?

She made me who I am...everything i wanted she wanted...everything she dreamt of she wanted me in...it was just a lightning bolt moment where every single thing we've shared and wanted together vanished...i had no idea that someone that you meant so much to...that meant so much to you could just erase you just like that...without a moments hesitation....

 

Alas C'est la vie...."get over myself" is the general consensus then..

[lessica]

Na, don't be so hard on yourself. It does hurt like hell- trust me I know. But I think that we have to accept that if someone was in love with you, they wouldn't change their minds at all. This is the reality of it.

 

And yeah, when you talk needing to drink so you don't commit suicide it does come across that way.

 

You need to take control of yourself. The light bulb moment might have happened for you, and not for her, she just reciprocated because it felt good.

 

 

 

Either way, you are who you are for many reasons other than this girl. If you only identify yourself as a result of being with another person you are setting yourself up to feel this way.

 

You need another light bulb moment- one from reality.

[Mischief]

Na, don't be so hard on yourself. It does hurt like hell- trust me I know. But I think that we have to accept that if someone was in love with you, they wouldn't change their minds at all. This is the reality of it.

 

And yeah, when you talk needing to drink so you don't commit suicide it does come across that way.

 

You need to take control of yourself. The light bulb moment might have happened for you, and not for her, she just reciprocated because it felt good.

 

 

 

Either way, you are who you are for many reasons other than this girl. If you only identify yourself as a result of being with another person you are setting yourself up to feel this way.

 

You need another light bulb moment- one from reality.

 

Thats just it though...i was content alone minding my own business...she made me do all the things i never in a million years thought id do...id feel...she made me feel it all...slowly broke down all the walls I've built...and when i was most vulnerable took it all away...haha, no apparently writing about it would help..clearly its not...nobody cares or ever will..thank you though for whatever that was...

[lessica]

Thats just it though...i was content alone minding my own business...she made me do all the things i never in a million years thought id do...id feel...she made me feel it all...slowly broke down all the walls I've built...and when i was most vulnerable took it all away...haha, no apparently writing about it would help..clearly its not...nobody cares or ever will..thank you though for whatever that was...

 

We do care! Really. Perhaps you could think of her as a person that was part of an event in your life. That showed you how it feels to break down the walls, that showed you what was out there. And gave you interest, and excitement in life. Just because she was the tool to getting you there, doesn't mean all that has to stop because she isn't there anymore.

 

Appreciate what she showed you, and continue it, but realize that you don't need her to continue it.