Steve11 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 She asked if I was going to a mutual friends party because she was worried about ruining my day & she wants it to be cool. I'm going to the party. Suppose I'll just have to put a brave face on because she can't dictate my life or what I do. And no, I'm not over her. So, I'm sure the advice would be to avoid it like the plague.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 She asked if I was going to a mutual friends party because she was worried about ruining my day & she wants it to be cool. I'm going to the party. Suppose I'll just have to put a brave face on because she can't dictate my life or what I do. And no, I'm not over her. So, I'm sure the advice would be to avoid it like the plague. Steve, I assume this is the abusive on and off again long term girlfriend? So you have a couple ways to go here. Tell her yes you are going and you would rather she decline. Tell her yes you are going and whatever she wants to do is fine (or say nothing) You can avoid the party. I assume you are (finally) trying to break it off for good but have not resolved your feelings? Please don't tell me you want her back...cause then I would need to give you a virtual smack on the head and say "snap out of it". That relationship was a train wreck. My recommendation is that you go, and take a date if possible, maybe someone who can support you if its awkward, who knows to help you avoid the x. If you are not strong enough and you don't have support then truthfully, being in that kind of environment will put your healing back. My thoughts for what they are worth.
Author Steve11 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Yeah, it was the ex who got physical and put me down. I still feel like I'm to blame for it all though which is something I've had to deal with. I've known the mutual friend longer than I've known her, so I can't not go as its a birthday. I just like the way she thinks that it'll ruin my day! I really don't know what's for the best. I don't want her thinking that she still has me hooked.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Yeah, it was the ex who got physical and put me down. I still feel like I'm to blame for it all though which is something I've had to deal with. I've known the mutual friend longer than I've known her, so I can't not go as its a birthday. I just like the way she thinks that it'll ruin my day! I really don't know what's for the best. I don't want her thinking that she still has me hooked. Ok so you have the priority in the friendship. You can tell her that you don't want to have the friends birthday impacted by your personal drama and ask that she decline? I would not show weakness, or imply that it's for you. Rather it is terribly awkward for others to be around a newly broken up couple. Not fair to the birthday person.
Author Steve11 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 She won't decline. Suppose I'll just have to take it & hope that she either leaves early, or I'm distracted by my friends. Best get to the gym and buy some new clothes! 1
Author Steve11 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 I replied saying i was going & I'm good, everything will be cool. Left it at that, there wasn't any need for her to reply, but she did. It was pointless, talking about a recent tv show we used to watch together. If she wanted to get my thinking about her again, then it worked. Just want this weekend over so there's no reason to see or speak to her.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I replied saying i was going & I'm good, everything will be cool. Left it at that, there wasn't any need for her to reply, but she did. It was pointless, talking about a recent tv show we used to watch together. If she wanted to get my thinking about her again, then it worked. Just want this weekend over so there's no reason to see or speak to her. They call this Crumbs or Hoovering. Basically, she did this to see if you would bite. So, no more answering! My suggestion is to treat her like a clerk at a store at the party and if you run into her. Polite but completely disinterested. Not angry, just completely disinterested.
heartshapedrocks Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I'll share my experience. My ex of 4.5 years threw a 40th birthday party for a mutual friend who honestly was like a divorced step child when we split. I was invited to the party by our mutual friend who explained the situation & told me they wanted me there but would totally understand if I declined. Originally I said no problem & would go. Of course I got another invite from the ex via a blasted email. I didn't respond to it. I was approx. 6 months post BU, but my ex had gotten engaged during this time. Anywho... I thought I could put on my game face.... Before the party date, our mutual friend whose birthday it was had a run in with the ex wife (2 yrs post divorce). Needless to say, my mutual friend called me to let me know if I chose not to go he'd understand. My friendship & emotional well being was important & we could do something special instead. I choose to take care of myself & opted for the special celebration on our terms. It was empowering to make my own choices rather to make peace at any cost no matter how superficial. It worked out fine, our mutual friend had a great party & I got to hang out on my terms.
Author Steve11 Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 I appreciate the reply. I texted back, I know I shouldn't have. I finished up by asking if she still had my boxset from said program... No reply. I know she's moved on, which is why I'm struggling so much. I've been on a few dates, but all the time I was in them, I was thinking about her and comparing. It's probably made me feel worse, so I'm taking myself out the dating game for a while. I really hope it's not awkward on Saturday. All my mates will be there and I really don't want to miss it. I don't want her to know she still has me on a leash. I'm not over her & for my sins, even the way she treated me, I still love her.
feelinghopeless89 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Hey Steve - I get it. My advice, ignore it! Even though all you want to do is talk to her again, it is probably healthiest to not. I am 24 years old, and going through the most difficult time of my life. I get comfort in reading about similar situations, so am hoping someone will be able to give me some advice on how I can finally heal. For about a year and a half, I dated my manager at the place I work (I know, not smart). He was my best friend, when we weren't together we were either on the phone or texting, and I spent almost every night at his apartment. I have been in a long term relationship before, but this one seemed way different and I saw such a future with him. The guy I dated has a 8 year old daughter. He broke up with the mother of his child a little after the baby was born because he didn't feel like he was ready to settle down. A couple years later, he felt like he made a mistake and tried to get her back. She ended up getting married and having a baby with someone else. Although, soon after she ended up divorcing him. The guy I dated tried again to get his family back, but the girl continually said no and that it would never happen. After a while, he gave up trying. When my ex and I got serious, we had talks about the future with me and his daughter, and occasionally his ex would come up. He always told me they would never get back together. About 9 months ago, she came to my ex and told him that she really needed help with money, and asked him if he would rent a room from her house. He said no right away. A month later she asked again, and he said he thought about it for a little bit, but then realized that would not be a good idea and it would also ruin what we had together. A few weeks after that, the baby momma asked him AGAIN to rent a room because she really needed help with money, and that is when he told me that her asking brought up old emotions and made him really confused. He said he needed some time to figure out what he wanted, and said that he was torn because he was in love with me, but also has wanted his family back for so long and doesn't want to make the same mistake. After a couple weeks of him trying things out with her (which was absolute torture), I told him that I couldn't just be friends with him and that we could only talk if it was work related because this was all too hard for me. He said he understood, but every few days would text me telling me how much he missed me, loved me, and how he had so many mixed emotions. He would say things like he didn't want me to move on and over the time period of 3 months we would both have moments of weakness and I would end up sleeping over at his place. Throughout these months, as hard as they were, I honestly felt like he was realizing him and his ex weren't meant to be together because of how much hope he was still giving me after all this time. He told me how lonely he was and how much he missed me, and said how much him and the girl fought. There was a period of about 2 weeks where he didn't contact me at all outside of work, which made me worried. I saw him at work one day, and as I was pulling into my court on the way home from work I got a text from him. At first it was feeling of excitement and relief. Although, I was so wrong. In the text, he told me that his ex was 3 months pregnant. He said that he hopes I could be happy for him. I felt sick to my stomach. It was like a bad dream and I was just in absolute shock. How could this happen with everything he said to me the last few months?! I was beyond devastated. My ex ended up moving in with the girl a little bit after he told me she was pregnant. She is now a month away from having their baby, and I am still in so much pain. I still work with him, and I know that is just making it harder but can't get myself to let go and leave. I am still in denial about the entire situation and can't accept it at all. I thought I was going to marry this guy. I have never felt such a strong attraction, or have so much chemistry to anyone I have ever met before. I know a lot of people say this after a break-up, but I truly am scared I will never find someone I feel as strongly about. I cry myself to sleep every night and am in a really dark place. Some days are easier, but a lot of the time I get flashbacks and certain things will trigger memories and I just go back to feeling that pain. I appreciate any words of advice that people can give me, I just want to be happy again.
Author Steve11 Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's probably advice I need to take, but you need to take a massive step in your life and move jobs. I couldn't bare the thought of seeing my ex everyday, so it must be absolute torture for you. If he was out of your way then I reckon it'd give you the best chance to move on. My ex and I spoke about marriage, having kids, we even named them! You have these future dreams of how your life will turn out and it's the most punishing part. But, just because they're not in our lives doesn't mean we won't fulfil out dreams because we can only make them come true. As cliche as it sounds, we have to find our own happiness, we can't expect people to make us happy. They should add value. I've never been as cut up as I am now about my ex. She was toxic for me, but I fell in love with her and I can't hide my feelings. I'll see her this Saturday and then I can truely start to move on with my life. They're will come a time when they look back and they regret what they lost.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's probably advice I need to take, but you need to take a massive step in your life and move jobs. I couldn't bare the thought of seeing my ex everyday, so it must be absolute torture for you. If he was out of your way then I reckon it'd give you the best chance to move on. My ex and I spoke about marriage, having kids, we even named them! You have these future dreams of how your life will turn out and it's the most punishing part. But, just because they're not in our lives doesn't mean we won't fulfil out dreams because we can only make them come true. As cliche as it sounds, we have to find our own happiness, we can't expect people to make us happy. They should add value. I've never been as cut up as I am now about my ex. She was toxic for me, but I fell in love with her and I can't hide my feelings. I'll see her this Saturday and then I can truely start to move on with my life. They're will come a time when they look back and they regret what they lost. Steve, I know you want to do this, but please don't be surprised if seeing her sets you back a bit. Be kind to yourself and let us know how it goes. In the meanwhile, think about those dreams, not as they relate to her, but that you want a family and someone who loves you and would make good life mate. It wasn't her. But that doesn't mean she's not out there looking for you. Focus for now, until the party, on all the awful times with the x. Hopefully it will dim the wishing and hoping before you see her.
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