Possibility of reconciliation on the horizon...

[eachcomingnight]

Hi LS.

 

Here's my history:

Met my ex at our summer job in my country, had a great summer, carried on a transcontinental LDR (UK/US), lasted for a year and a half (including a number of visits and another full summer together). Great relationship, he treated me like gold, we enjoyed everything we did together and really pushed each other to be the best people we could be. Earlier this year, I had started applying for jobs in his country for the next school year (I'm a teacher) when he began to feel increasingly distant/unsure about our relationship. He was going through a lot of changes at the time (starting a new job, moving cities) and I thought that might be playing into his concerns. Regardless of the reasons, he met up with me in March and made it clear that while he still had very strong feelings for me he was not ready for me to move countries and give up my life here to be with him. I calmly explained to him the reasons I felt he was making a mistake (among these, that I had wanted to travel to his country for a long time, even from before I met him, and that it didn't have to be a "forever" thing). However, the fact that he was so ambivalent about taking this next step made it clear that this was the end of the line for us. I went NC within a week of my return home.

 

He reached out several times in the next few months; he indicated several times that he was struggling with the fact that he couldn't contact me; I replied to his attempts with brief, unemotional messages reminding him that I wished him well but was not willing to keep in touch. I ended up being offered a great opportunity in his country and accepted it, recognizing this as a possibility to travel and experience the world that I may never have again. I'll be moving there in August.

 

Here's where the story gets more interesting - he hated his new job, quit it, and came back to work at the camp where we first met two years ago (and where I was working again for the first few weeks of this summer). I wasn't sure how I was going to play it when I saw him for the first time in 3 months, but I felt surprisingly calm about it when it actually happened. From time to time, a feeling would momentarily resurface, but I wasn't terribly affected by it. He asked to talk before I left for my vacation, and I agreed. We spoke last week. It was a winding conversation over the course of which he confessed that he is still mourning the end of our relationship, that he has not been interested in anybody else since our split, and that he doesn't see himself becoming interested in anyone else. It seemed like he was holding himself back from saying more, but that's just going off my intuition.

 

I didn't come right out and ask him what he actually WANTS - the fact that he hasn't outright said it to me suggests to me that he isn't 100% sure, and I have stuck around on these boards long enough and done enough reflection that I know that what he is saying is not equivalent to "I messed up, I want you back." Even if he did, at this point in time, I would have a whole lot of thinking to do about whether or not this man is worth the risk that a second chance would entail.

 

I feel that at this point in time after 3 months of taking care of myself, I am able to assess this situation relatively logically. I don't feel desperate to get him back and I am sure that if I do not, my life will go on, and I will likely find someone who isn't wishy washy about their commitment to me. At the same time, this is the only man who I have ever truly loved - I had previously thought myself to be a commitmentphobe until I met him and realized that I just hadn't found a partner who was right for me yet. Although our break-up hurt me deeply, I understand that he felt pressured by my decision to move countries for him, and I recognize that we never really communicated much about this decision - I just made the decision for us, assuming that he'd be over the moon about it, meanwhile his anxieties were growing and he was probably terrified of bringing them up for fear of upsetting me.

 

So here I am... he has asked to meet up with me next week for lunch or something of that sort. I am going to go with an open mind and hear what he has to say. In the meanwhile, I will be monitoring myself closely to make sure that I don't start letting myself form expectations based on words rather than actions.

 

If you have words of wisdom, please feel free to contribute.

Edited July 16, 2013 by eachcomingnight

[StrongLass]

Sounds similar to what my own situation has become.

Odd fix to find yourself in, isn't it?

 

I'd say you can PM me if you like but I haven't been here long enough for that.

 

You seem to have worked out the really important parts in your last two paragraphs so there isn't much that anyone feels necessary to add aside from good luck, keep your head on straight, & let the forums know how it goes.

[eachcomingnight]

It is quite an odd situation to be in.

 

Thanks for your support - I think I have a pretty good grasp on the situation and I realize this doesn't leave much room for suggestions. But since I have been writing about the relationship over the last few months I felt I should continue to keep track of it as it progresses. The one thing I would like some opinions on is related to the common assertion that people need tons of time to truly "come around" and be ready for a second chance. It's been 3.5 months since our break-up and for the most part I see people advising that much longer than that is needed. I don't want to ruin any potential chance by rushing through it, but meeting up to talk about things seems like a logical first step and not really rushing at all. I am curious about what other people think about this timeline - especially given that I see him as an option at this point at time, and that I'm not desperate to get him back (and have not been for some time)

 

Best of luck to you

Edited July 16, 2013 by eachcomingnight

[inaya42]

will your meetup take place after you have moved to his country?

 

if you want to reconcile, my suggestion would be to wait until you are there and then meet up to do something fun. sure you can talk about the relationship, but why not let him take you to a cool bar or a concert and hang out?

 

the pressure he felt about your moving to be with him is now off, as you are there of your own accord. i think the best chance for a meaningful reconciliation (or even a solid friendship) will come when you both realize that you can be meaningfully and happily integrated into each other's lives at present. the past is just that ... the past.

[lamaga]

I am going through a similar thing right now. I moved from NY to The Netherlands for study, but initially picked the program because of my ex-boyfriend, who lives there. We were together for 1 year when he broke it off in February, because he wasn't ready to make the commitment.

 

I went NC for two weeks, then he contacted me. We emailed a few times but I never enabled it, or at least not much.

 

We met up for the first time 3 weeks ago and ended up getting close again... Did the same thing last weekend... Now we wont see each other for three weeks because he is traveling and I am working in Germany... We both travel a lots, which was also a problem in our relationship...but mainly because he thought that he can't be building something with me when he has to leave all the time.

 

Not quite sure where this is going, but we both agreed on going on dates and getting to know each other again without any pressure. I told him I still accepted his decision and don't want to go down the same road again... he agreed. He told me he still had feelings for me and never left his thoughts/he never got over me... but he still is searching for what it is that makes him happy, and he is finishing his masters degree next month, then will be in limbo, something that he has been afraid of for quite some time... I think that, perhaps after that, things will be a bit clearer... when he finds a job or whatever that he wants to do with his life, when he is a bit more grounded.

 

It's the 20s... We are always looking.. constantly looking... I especially thing that great minds, intellectuals, creative people... they are the ones who struggle with these quarter life crisis a lot, Western young male adults, the contemporary way way of loving...

...life is that way.

[eachcomingnight]

Thanks for your replies!

 

inaya - our next meet-up would be before I move over there - but then I would not see him again for at least another month after that, as he'll still be working here while I'm getting settled in his country. I thought about whether it made sense to meet here or not, but I'd like to know a little bit more about where his head is at so I can decide whether or not it even makes sense to meet up with him once we're both in his country. If he is just as "confused" as he was when we broke up, then I will likely push for more time apart, so that I can continue moving forward with my life. If he has come to the realization that he made a mistake and that he wants to work things out, then I would be more open to a friendly meet-up once I get over there and begin to get settled in my life.

 

lamanga - I agree that his fear of commitment is by no means odd for a 20-something who is still looking for what he wants out of life. However, I had pushed past my own fears to commit to him - and if he'd like to give this another shot, I would like to know that he sees at least a POSSIBILITY of a future with me. Because, while I enjoy spending time with him, if he truly doesn't think that we will work out in the long term, I would be better served leaving him behind and looking for someone who does see that possibility with me. I think that this may be what's holding him back in fully expressing his feelings to me - if he's still not sure what he wants in the long term, he recognizes how selfish it would be to ask me to give him another chance, even though he feels that he'd like to be with me in the present.

Edited July 16, 2013 by eachcomingnight

[LinkWorshiper]

I mean... to me... I think the one thing I take from your story is I can't figure out if YOU want to reconcile. You mentioned a few reasons why you would and a few why you wouldn't. It sounds like to me that you are just waiting to see how it goes, and I think that's a good move. At the same time, I think it would be a good idea to really at least figure out what you ideally want out of the meeting, because I ALSO think it's kind of egotistical to sit there and expect him to do all the heavy-lifting as far as reconciling even if he was the one to end things in the first place. If you at least would like him back, I would try to meet him halfway, and if you don't, just railroad it as clearly as possible.

 

It might be just me, but I feel like even though it is the popular advice on forums like this, I think it's silly to expect the other person to come to you while you remain aloof and unavailable in every way without any sort of effort of your own. I think that tactic is good if you don't see a future or you want things to be done, but if not.... I mean... you see people say, 'If he loves you, he won't let you go.' If you love HIM, you won't either, regardless! If that makes sense.

 

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that

[eachcomingnight]

Hey,

I am definitely wary of giving him a second chance, and also not yet sure if he is even going to express interest in one, so I'm being careful not to become too emotionally invested in this again at this point.

 

He does know that I still have feelings for him... but it's true that I have not been as open about them as I could be. At the same time, it is hard to trust someone again after they have decided to give up on your relationship. I'm also worried that I'm not going to be able to feel as strongly as I did before after all that has happened. But I know these are all things that can be worked on...

 

Thanks for your input... I agree that the effort will need to come from both of us, and I will keep in mind that if I act distant he may misunderstand my feelings. I am probably meeting up with him next weekend so I will update you.

Edited July 21, 2013 by eachcomingnight