Dumper keeps texting and calling.

[Simon Phoenix]

Depends if she still wanted to make it work, which at the time I thought she did. Verbally attacking him was definitely not the right thing to do. Telling him to leave when you really didn't mean it was not the right thing to do. She should have waited until she was done with him and then told him to get lost. Not wait and meet and make him think they are going to take a break then get back together.

 

I mean yeah go NC that's fine eventually he will get the message but it seems childish to not tell someone you are done. You will have a much better conscious and be able to move on quicker if you let him know what's up. That's when you do NC and you don't have to worry about him calling to find out why.

 

Yeah, don't buy it for a second. She spent seven years putting up with this, so she's supposed to cow-tow to him after he breaks up with her. That's a crock of s--t, pure and simple.

[xilver]

I got crazy with him, because I was sick of it. After years of support, encouragement etc. For months since he started drinking heavily I said not a thing, did everything for him, woke him up for work, had his clothes laid out for him after his showers, put him in the shower sometimes. Helped him out of his car when he was incoherent, and put him to bed.

I encouraged meetings, I encouraged therapy, I reassured him, I praised him etc etc.

 

I told him to leave, got angry, and that I couldn't do it when he would come home from a 4 day bender- days of me worrying if he was alive or dead. He decided to leave, I said he didn't need to and we could work through it. He didn't want to. He just wanted to get ****ed up.

 

At the end he said **** therapy, I just want to get high.

 

Yeah chemical imbalance, he suffered from serotonin syndrome from taking antipsycotics with lsd.

 

There is nothing more I could do for him. He has family, he has some friends, if he needs help he can get it from him.

 

You need to be aware that people with these problems do not fix things with 'space'. Anyone at an al-anon meeting would say the same.

 

It was a case of either I allow this, or I don't. What would you recommend? I have required two extensions on my masters because of this. It takes a toll on me mentally/emotionally/physically... what would you recommend I do?

 

If someone is constantly complaining to me then space does wonders. That's all I meant with that. He wanted the complaining to stop and that was how he knew he could get it to stop. I think you are doing the right thing by deciding to move on. And you don't owe him anything. All is fair in love and war right? I am only suggesting that it would make it easier for him and as an extension to you if you let him know.

[Simon Phoenix]

Lesson here for her ex is: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

[lessica]

Depends if she still wanted to make it work, which at the time I thought she did. Verbally attacking him was definitely not the right thing to do. Telling him to leave when you really didn't mean it was not the right thing to do. She should have waited until she was done with him and then told him to get lost. Not wait and meet and make him think they are going to take a break then get back together.

 

I mean yeah go NC that's fine eventually he will get the message but it seems childish to not tell someone you are done. You will have a much better conscious and be able to move on quicker if you let him know what's up. That's when you do NC and you don't have to worry about him calling to find out why.

 

I get your point. But I don't think it applies here, I really don't. When I told him to leave, and he wouldn't I was saying 'I am done with this', it wasn't that I was done with 'him'. Emotions did get the better of me. I didn't meet with him, he turned up.. but yeah I let him speak. I was silent when he said he wanted to get back together in a month or so. I didn't agree or disagree, I didn't want to say the wrong thing. Yet again confused. People with addiction problems have a lot of power of the people that love them, because we don't want to see them hurting, talking to him again and explaining myself would be the perfect chance for him to say all the right things, and get the situation he wants. Not contacting him at all is about giving me the power to resist.

[xilver]

Yeah, don't buy it for a second. She spent seven years putting up with this, so she's supposed to cow-tow to him after he breaks up with her. That's a crock of s--t, pure and simple.

 

7 years? If he was like that the whole time (which i dont believe she was) then she has to take some blame for staying with him that long. She doesn't have to do anything but if someone is constantly pursuing you I would think you want them to stop and the easiest way to do that is to tell them.

[lessica]

Thanks everyone. And xilver, I get your empathy, I actually like it. It is just a very hard position for me to be in, and the conversation with him is very hard to navigate.

 

I totally agree that complaining isn't the way to help. And I really tried my best not to. It wasn't so much attacking him personally, but I would break down and beg him to stop taking pills/drugs/and drinking, and I would say things like "please don't do this to yourself" "you are killing us" etc etc- very emotionally I admit. I believe his requirement for space wasn't about my attacking his actions, it was more about my getting in the way of his using. But I could be wrong.

[xilver]

I get your point. But I don't think it applies here, I really don't. When I told him to leave, and he wouldn't I was saying 'I am done with this', it wasn't that I was done with 'him'. Emotions did get the better of me. I didn't meet with him, he turned up.. but yeah I let him speak. I was silent when he said he wanted to get back together in a month or so. I didn't agree or disagree, I didn't want to say the wrong thing. Yet again confused. People with addiction problems have a lot of power of the people that love them, because we don't want to see them hurting, talking to him again and explaining myself would be the perfect chance for him to say all the right things, and get the situation he wants. Not contacting him at all is about giving me the power to resist.

 

Oh. Well in that case carry on. If that is the only way you can leave him then that is what you must do. It is far better than being in a toxic relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

7 years? If he was like that the whole time (which i dont believe she was) then she has to take some blame for staying with him that long. She doesn't have to do anything but if someone is constantly pursuing you I would think you want them to stop and the easiest way to do that is to tell them.

 

You are just looking for any and all reasons to blame her it seems. And yes, she was in a relationship with him for seven years. While I'm sure he wasn't depressed for that whole time, in reading her back story (which you should probably do) it's not like she put up with his behavior for seven days. She tried and it wore her down. He gave her an out, she took it. Sucks for him.

 

As for the second part of your post, I disagree with that too. If anything, her responding no matter ths response it'd empower him to keep messaging her and contacting her to "chip" away. Her silence speaks a lot louder to him. Any contact with her is going to be seen as a green light by him.

[lessica]

7 years? If he was like that the whole time (which i dont believe she was) then she has to take some blame for staying with him that long. She doesn't have to do anything but if someone is constantly pursuing you I would think you want them to stop and the easiest way to do that is to tell them.

 

I will have someone tell him on my behalf, maybe my sister can sit down with him and explain if it gets to that. But not me.

 

7 years, yeah, first 3 years was pills, without my knowledge usually. I was 18, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. In retrospect, there were plenty of warnings. By the time he started on other things, and it started to really effect his mental state I just couldn't turn my back on him. It wasn't until we had a family member come and stay, and witness it, that they told me this was not normal/okay/healthy. I really knew no different. I do take blame for staying so long. I was an idiot.

[lessica]

You are just looking for any and all reasons to blame her it seems. And yes, she was in a relationship with him for seven years. While I'm sure he wasn't depressed for that whole time, in reading her back story (which you should probably do) it's not like she put up with his behavior for seven days. She tried and it wore her down. He gave her an out, she took it. Sucks for him.

 

As for the second part of your post, I disagree with that too. If anything, her responding no matter ths response it'd empower him to keep messaging her and contacting her to "chip" away. Her silence speaks a lot louder to him. Any contact with her is going to be seen as a green light by him.

 

This analysis is perfect.

[xilver]

You are just looking for any and all reasons to blame her it seems. And yes, she was in a relationship with him for seven years. While I'm sure he wasn't depressed for that whole time, in reading her back story (which you should probably do) it's not like she put up with his behavior for seven days. She tried and it wore her down. He gave her an out, she took it. Sucks for him.

 

As for the second part of your post, I disagree with that too. If anything, her responding no matter ths response it'd empower him to keep messaging her and contacting her to "chip" away. Her silence speaks a lot louder to him. Any contact with her is going to be seen as a green light by him.

 

I'm not trying to blame her, but a relationship is two people. I did read her back story even before you suggested that. Most people don't? I did not remember it detail by detail though only the gist of it.

 

Yeah maybe he will see it as a green light. But I was telling her to do it for her well being more than for his. From the looks of it he is going to make his own green light regardless.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not trying to blame her, but a relationship is two people. I did read her back story even before you suggested that. Most people don't? I did not remember it detail by detail though only the gist of it.

 

Yeah maybe he will see it as a green light. But I was telling her to do it for her well being more than for his. From the looks of it he is going to make his own green light regardless.

 

He'll burn out if she stays quiet.

[lessica]

I'm not trying to blame her, but a relationship is two people. I did read her back story even before you suggested that. Most people don't? I did not remember it detail by detail though only the gist of it.

 

Yeah maybe he will see it as a green light. But I was telling her to do it for her well being more than for his. From the looks of it he is going to make his own green light regardless.

 

 

Tis hard when dealing with someone who is far from all there. You just never know. But I do see exactly what you mean, if it was me I'd rather be told. But I am just not sure that approach applies here.

 

I think with these people it goes

 

Priority 1- drugs, priority 2- creating a situation where they can manage their habit (ie having a loved one care for them) priority 3- keeping the loved one.

 

My upset over it threatened his second and first priorities. Hence, priority 3 is irrelevant, and he decided to leave- for his number one priority. Despite his perhaps good intentions, any conversation with him will be only to serve these 3 things, but ultimately it will always come down to priorities one. And I could potentially fall for it.

 

If that makes sense?

Edited July 16, 2013 by lessica

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Tis hard when dealing with someone who is far from all there. You just never know. But I do see exactly what you mean, if it was me I'd rather be told. But I am just not sure that approach applies here.

 

I think with these people it goes

 

Priority 1- drugs, priority 2- creating a situation where they can manage their habit (ie having a loved one care for them) priority 3- keeping the loved one.

 

My upset over it threatened his second and first priorities. Hence, priority 3 is irrelevant, and he decided to leave- for his number one priority. Despite his perhaps good intentions, any conversation with him will be only to serve these 3 things, but ultimately it will always come down to priorities one. And I could potentially fall for it.

 

If that makes sense?

 

I can fully appreciate what you did and why. Dealing with mental illness is very hard. Dealing with addicts is very very hard. Dealing with addicts with mental illness who will not take positive steps to help themselves is impossible, draining and soul crushing.

 

I am sure you voiced all the words millions of times. At some level he knew he was choosing his addiction.

 

You were clear that you didn't want to continue the relationship, and the details, he said she said, don't really matter. You needed to make sure that you did this in such a way that you protect yourself and you should not feel guilty for that.

 

Listen, I am one of those people who believe that I need to lay it all out there and say the words. BUT I do believe, in those circumstances where you ned to be firm and unbending, when you must choose yourself, when you need to save yourself, you cannot feel guilt for doing that.

 

Hang in there.

[lessica]

Thank you for your support