Dumper keeps texting and calling.

[lessica]

I went straight into NC a week ago with the end of my 7 year relationship. He returned to our house to collect things, I had to speak to him to unlock the garage. I caved and let him speak- for hours. He said he wanted to be on a committed break, and wanted to be together after some space. I implied I agreed with him.

 

But I didn't want that at all. I don't want to be together anymore at all. I posted asking if I should let him know I wasn't open to anything in the future, or just go NC with him assuming we were technically together. Decided to just do it and say nothing.

 

So yesterday evening he phoned our home phone which he never does, I picked up (no caller id). NC broken. I said simply, "I am not open to being in a relationship with you. I'm sorry." I didn't wait for a reply, just put the phone down, unplugged it, and went about my night.

 

Since then he has phoned my cellphone about 7 times. And today again he texts every few hours. "What happened" "what changed" "?" "Please answer me" "I need to know" and so on....

 

What does this mean? He left me, and wanted me to wait around for him, I don't get why the sudden interest. Perhaps he really thought I would wait around.

[JDPT]

I went straight into NC a week ago with the end of my 7 year relationship. He returned to our house to collect things, I had to speak to him to unlock the garage. I caved and let him speak- for hours. He said he wanted to be on a committed break, and wanted to be together after some space. I implied I agreed with him.

 

But I didn't want that at all. I don't want to be together anymore at all. I posted asking if I should let him know I wasn't open to anything in the future, or just go NC with him assuming we were technically together. Decided to just do it and say nothing.

 

So yesterday evening he phoned our home phone which he never does, I picked up (no caller id). NC broken. I said simply, "I am not open to being in a relationship with you. I'm sorry." I didn't wait for a reply, just put the phone down, unplugged it, and went about my night.

 

Since then he has phoned my cellphone about 7 times. And today again he texts every few hours. "What happened" "what changed" "?" "Please answer me" "I need to know" and so on....

 

What does this mean? He left me, and wanted me to wait around for him, I don't get why the sudden interest. Perhaps he really thought I would wait around.

 

You know what happened? he realized **** hit he fan and is now scrambling trying to get a hold of you in order to "work" something out. Lessica, this is one of those moments when you have to be in COMPLETE control of this situation, remain strong, I know you can get through this moment. And get ready for more of him attempting to contact you through cell phone, correspondence or smoke signals. All you have to do is be strong and keeps posting here. We will be here for you.

[Simon Phoenix]

He wants to use you as a crutch until he finds something better. Don't let him.

[xilver]

This is why you should stop playing NC games and tell him it's done. If he wants to confront you he will find a way. He isn't going to stop until he gets an answer. Do it on your terms and then go NC.

[Sneaky]

You're doing great, the phone call was not your fault and you handled it well. Keep up the no contact and focus on yourself, it's his fault that its over not yours. Best of luck.

[lessica]

This is why you should stop playing NC games and tell him it's done. If he wants to confront you he will find a way. He isn't going to stop until he gets an answer. Do it on your terms and then go NC.

 

I don't believe I am playing any kind of games. I was getting my head around it. I decided this person is not good for me, and not a positive aspect of my life. I went NC without saying anything because that is what I was advised to do on here.

 

I think I have made it very clear, eventually with not responding to him he will get the message, surely.

 

Are you suggesting I need to give him answers?

[lessica]

You're doing great, the phone call was not your fault and you handled it well. Keep up the no contact and focus on yourself, it's his fault that its over not yours. Best of luck.

 

Thanks sneaky. Honestly, I feel like I am doing the right thing. I don't have any desire to respond, and I quite love being in a position where noone can hurt me but me. Thanks for your support.

[lessica]

You know what happened? he realized **** hit he fan and is now scrambling trying to get a hold of you in order to "work" something out. Lessica, this is one of those moments when you have to be in COMPLETE control of this situation, remain strong, I know you can get through this moment. And get ready for more of him attempting to contact you through cell phone, correspondence or smoke signals. All you have to do is be strong and keeps posting here. We will be here for you.

 

Thanks JDPT. I did foresee this somehow. I can't even begin to explain how empowering it feels to know that I can say no to the bad aspects of your life. It is interesting how the tables turn when you gain some self control. And how much relief I feel from accepting the reality of it, and making a decision. You have helped immensely. Thank you.

[AllTooWell]

Consider blocking his number etc if you haven't already. He left you, and you got your **** together. It's a good thing you did. Don't play his games.

 

 

 

After reading your other threads, I really hope you DO consider going to Al-Anon. Even if you don't think you need it, try one meeting. No harm in that.

[xilver]

I don't believe I am playing any kind of games. I was getting my head around it. I decided this person is not good for me, and not a positive aspect of my life. I went NC without saying anything because that is what I was advised to do on here.

 

I think I have made it very clear, eventually with not responding to him he will get the message, surely.

 

Are you suggesting I need to give him answers?

 

Absolutely I thought you should yesterday. Look at it from his perspective. He thinks everything is rosey and now the only thing he hears was what you just told him and then hung up on him. It's going to eat at him to know what happened. If you want all the drama he could bring your way then leave him hanging but it seems like you could stop him from trying to contact you by simply explaining to him that you are done.

[Simon Phoenix]

This is why you should stop playing NC games and tell him it's done. If he wants to confront you he will find a way. He isn't going to stop until he gets an answer. Do it on your terms and then go NC.

 

He dumped her dude.

[JDPT]

Consider blocking his number etc if you haven't already. He left you, and you got your **** together. It's a good thing you did. Don't play his games.

 

 

 

After reading your other threads, I really hope you DO consider going to Al-Anon. Even if you don't think you need it, try one meeting. No harm in that.

 

I don't think Lessica has alcohol/drug issues, it's the ex boyfriend.

[JDPT]

Absolutely I thought you should yesterday. Look at it from his perspective. He thinks everything is rosey and now the only thing he hears was what you just told him and then hung up on him. It's going to eat at him to know what happened. If you want all the drama he could bring your way then leave him hanging but it seems like you could stop him from trying to contact you by simply explaining to him that you are done.

 

It's survival now and she is doing what's best for her and no one else, which is perfectly fine in my book.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Absolutely I thought you should yesterday. Look at it from his perspective. He thinks everything is rosey and now the only thing he hears was what you just told him and then hung up on him. It's going to eat at him to know what happened. If you want all the drama he could bring your way then leave him hanging but it seems like you could stop him from trying to contact you by simply explaining to him that you are done.

 

I completely disagree.

 

When you leave for a break, one of the known risks is that one of you will move on. That's the definition. She does not owe him more than her statement that she does not want to have a relationship with him. Which he received upon reaching out to her, since he was the dumper.

 

Whatever his motivation for the break was (addition, misery, potential girlfriend) does it matter?

 

Free from him she realized she was free.from.him.

[xilver]

He dumped her dude.

 

Not as I see it. He had depression issues and started taking meds. I'm no doctor but have heard those meds mess with chem balances in the brain that deal with attachment in relationships. She got a little crazy with him and told him to leave. Nowhere do I see anything that he is done with her. Just clearing his head and probably getting away from the harassment he was receiving about his actions.

 

She later decided that it was in her best interest to not get back together with him. Fantastic! So why not tell him and move on?

[lessica]

Thanks guys and yeah. I would consider al-anon, but I don't think it is necessary. We had been together for 7 years since I was 18. I was truly scared to be without him, until he left.. and then it was just pure relief for me. Sure I am a bit lonely. Bit it is no longer in my life, or in my face. He could be out banging girls, causing trouble, or anything bad, but now it simply isn't my problem, he isn't bring it home to me, so I really don't care. I have spent years anxious and worrying about this person and wondering what would happen next. Now I don't have to worry and it feels amazing.

 

As with letting him know, I felt like I should, but it doesn't matter. He dumped me therefore rejected my support/love/compassion- perhaps it will be a lesson that will make his life better in the future, either way, it was his choice.

[JDPT]

 

When you leave for a break, one of the known risks is that one of you will move on. That's the definition.

 

I absolutely agree with this statement and although I understand it better now it still hurts as this is what lead to my break up. I decided to leave her for 3 week and when I "returned" to attempt to claim what I thought was mine, her decision was made and that's when I was dumped officially. Nothing is guaranteed, we just don't know.

[Simon Phoenix]

Not as I see it. He had depression issues and started taking meds. I'm no doctor but have heard those meds mess with chem balances in the brain that deal with attachment in relationships. She got a little crazy with him and told him to leave. Nowhere do I see anything that he is done with her. Just clearing his head and probably getting away from the harassment he was receiving about his actions.

 

She later decided that it was in her best interest to not get back together with him. Fantastic! So why not tell him and move on?

 

I couldn't disagree more with your assessment of this situation. He was depressed, but what is she supposed to do? Sit there in misery while his behavior negatively affects her life? He pulled the plug -- she doesn't owe him a thing. If he wanted her to stay in his life, he shouldn't have dumped her. Simple.

[AllTooWell]

I don't think Lessica has alcohol/drug issues, it's the ex boyfriend.

 

 

Al-Anon family groups aren't exclusively for the people with the problem.

 

They are for people who are related to/family members/spouses/ETC of someone WITH those problems.

 

Alcoholism and addiction effect more than just the addict themselves, in ways you could never imagine unless you experience it. It is extremely damaging to be in a relationship with someone facing addiction and she was, for 7 years (if I remember correctly.)

[AllTooWell]

I couldn't disagree more with your assessment of this situation. He was depressed, but what is she supposed to do? Sit there in misery while his behavior negatively affects her life? He pulled the plug -- she doesn't owe him a thing. If he wanted her to stay in his life, he shouldn't have dumped her. Simple.

 

I agree. And while it is true that he was suffering from depression, that does not mean he should leave her and have a "committed' break. That sounds an awful like him easing himself into the breakup.

 

There is no rule that says "if you're depressed and getting help you need to do it alone" or "you can't be in a relationship while making changes to your life"

[lessica]

Not as I see it. He had depression issues and started taking meds. I'm no doctor but have heard those meds mess with chem balances in the brain that deal with attachment in relationships. She got a little crazy with him and told him to leave. Nowhere do I see anything that he is done with her. Just clearing his head and probably getting away from the harassment he was receiving about his actions.

 

She later decided that it was in her best interest to not get back together with him. Fantastic! So why not tell him and move on?

 

I got crazy with him, because I was sick of it. After years of support, encouragement etc. For months since he started drinking heavily I said not a thing, did everything for him, woke him up for work, had his clothes laid out for him after his showers, put him in the shower sometimes. Helped him out of his car when he was incoherent, and put him to bed.

I encouraged meetings, I encouraged therapy, I reassured him, I praised him etc etc.

 

I told him to leave, got angry, and that I couldn't do it when he would come home from a 4 day bender- days of me worrying if he was alive or dead. He decided to leave, I said he didn't need to and we could work through it. He didn't want to. He just wanted to get ****ed up.

 

At the end he said **** therapy, I just want to get high.

 

Yeah chemical imbalance, he suffered from serotonin syndrome from taking antipsycotics with lsd.

 

There is nothing more I could do for him. He has family, he has some friends, if he needs help he can get it from him.

 

You need to be aware that people with these problems do not fix things with 'space'. Anyone at an al-anon meeting would say the same.

 

It was a case of either I allow this, or I don't. What would you recommend? I have required two extensions on my masters because of this. It takes a toll on me mentally/emotionally/physically... what would you recommend I do?

[Simon Phoenix]

I got crazy with him, because I was sick of it. After years of support, encouragement etc. For months since he started drinking heavily I said not a thing, did everything for him, woke him up for work, had his clothes laid out for him after his showers, put him in the shower sometimes. Helped him out of his car when he was incoherent, and put him to bed.

I encouraged meetings, I encouraged therapy, I reassured him, I praised him etc etc.

 

I told him to leave, got angry, and that I couldn't do it when he would come home from a 4 day bender- days of me worrying if he was alive or dead. He decided to leave, I said he didn't need to and we could work through it. He didn't want to. He just wanted to get ****ed up.

 

At the end he said **** therapy, I just want to get high.

 

Yeah chemical imbalance, he suffered from serotonin syndrome from taking antipsycotics with lsd.

 

There is nothing more I could do for him. He has family, he has some friends, if he needs help he can get it from him.

 

You need to be aware that people with these problems do not fix things with 'space'. Anyone at an al-anon meeting would say the same.

 

It was a case of either I allow this, or I don't. What would you recommend? I have required two extensions on my masters because of this. It takes a toll on me mentally/emotionally/physically... what would you recommend I do?

 

You gave the dude seven years. You don't need to explain yourself.

[xilver]

I couldn't disagree more with your assessment of this situation. He was depressed, but what is she supposed to do? Sit there in misery while his behavior negatively affects her life?

 

Depends if she still wanted to make it work, which at the time I thought she did. Verbally attacking him was definitely not the right thing to do. Telling him to leave when you really didn't mean it was not the right thing to do. She should have waited until she was done with him and then told him to get lost. Not wait and meet and make him think they are going to take a break then get back together.

 

I mean yeah go NC that's fine eventually he will get the message but it seems childish to not tell someone you are done. You will have a much better conscious and be able to move on quicker if you let him know what's up. That's when you do NC and you don't have to worry about him calling to find out why.

[JDPT]

I got crazy with him, because I was sick of it. After years of support, encouragement etc. For months since he started drinking heavily I said not a thing, did everything for him, woke him up for work, had his clothes laid out for him after his showers, put him in the shower sometimes. Helped him out of his car when he was incoherent, and put him to bed.

I encouraged meetings, I encouraged therapy, I reassured him, I praised him etc etc.

 

I told him to leave, got angry, and that I couldn't do it when he would come home from a 4 day bender- days of me worrying if he was alive or dead. He decided to leave, I said he didn't need to and we could work through it. He didn't want to. He just wanted to get ****ed up.

 

At the end he said **** therapy, I just want to get high.

 

Yeah chemical imbalance, he suffered from serotonin syndrome from taking antipsycotics with lsd.

 

There is nothing more I could do for him. He has family, he has some friends, if he needs help he can get it from him.

 

You need to be aware that people with these problems do not fix things with 'space'. Anyone at an al-anon meeting would say the same.

 

It was a case of either I allow this, or I don't. What would you recommend? I have required two extensions on my masters because of this. It takes a toll on me mentally/emotionally/physically... what would you recommend I do?

 

 

You gave it your all and you should be proud for being there for someone for such extended time regardless of all his imperfections. I think you have learned or are learning what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren't willing to put up with and that's perfectly ok because you now start setting boundaries and setting standards. Clearly, nothing is perfect in life and we will never find perfection but we strive towards finding a good and healthy relationship.

[lessica]

Thanks Simon Phoenix.

 

And sorry xilver, I don't mean to come across harsh, the one thing I still deal with about this is guilt. I feel very guilty for turning my back on this person, and you really did make me feel more guilt. It is a hard thing to do, to just cut out someone who is suffering, but it is not good for me. I can't suffer because of it. My explaining things to him would probably not make any difference, he is not thinking straight.