Receiving end of NC - what goes thru their head?

[whyme76]

I'm curious what goes thru the dumpers head during NC. Especially if the dumpee has tried to stay in contact, but just drops off the face of the earth? I've finally completed week 1 of NC after 'chasing' my ex bf with weekly texts for the past 6 weeks post breakup. I know I am wondering how he is, what's new, how's the puppy etc. . .

[blotter]

Relief for not having to deal with something they no longer want to deal with.

[Sneaky]

I don't have much input and I often wonder as well but I wanted to say well done on the first week, stay strong and keep it up.

[lissa90]

Like others have said..probably relief or they haven't really noticed or worse of all they don't even care.

 

Since my ex is "sensitive", "worldly" and a "budding philosopher" I'd just loooove to know whether the way he ditched me for another haunts him or plays on his mind. Wishful thinking and it sounds truly bitter but damn, I'm still at the pissed off stage.

[simplyamazing]

Dumper feels relief usually that he/she no longer has to keep in contact. At least, I know that's what I felt as a dumper. I imagine that's what my ex felt when she ghosted me, and then popped up to officially end it.

 

Since my ex is "sensitive", "worldly" and a "budding philosopher" I'd just loooove to know whether the way he ditched me for another haunts him or plays on his mind. Wishful thinking and it sounds truly bitter but damn, I'm still at the pissed off stage.

 

 

Unfortunately, I probably doubt it. I don't know your story, but if a dumper leaves for someone else... they probably don't care. I've never personally dumped an ex while having a new girl waiting. I just think doing that is low. If I don't want to be with a girl, I won't stay with her until I find someone else. But there aren't many people that think the way I do.

[AllTooWell]

Honestly, when I've dumped someone I haven't even noticed the NC.

 

As a girl (I've read this is apparently common for women, but who knows) I have usually checked out of the relationship emotionally LONG before I actually ended it. It literally doesn't even OCCUR to me to talk to my ex. I am off doing my own thing.

 

If they text me, I may reply, but probably not. I simply didn't care anymore. It sounds harsh and awful, and I really may have loved them before, but by the time things ended, I was done.

 

 

 

With my current ex, I know that it hurt him when he realized I was NC. We had both agreed it was better to not get back together and that we needed time apart. He was very upset I was out of his life. But, it was he who initiated the break and if he didn't want me to leave, he shouldn't have let me go. I need NC to heal and because if we were in contact, things would be even worse. Thus far he has been understanding because he has not tried to contact me (previously he would every 2-3 days).

[aloneinaz]

My view is this- For the first several weeks or even a month, they feel relief. I know as a guy, when I ended relationships, I was done with them. But, looking back, I wasn't so sure I was that in love w/them in the first place even though some relationships were years long.

 

If there was still some love in the relationship at the time the dumper ended it, they are still thinking about the ex in some capacity. You cant just go from being in someones life everyday, texting, talking, etc to NC and it not have an effect on you.

 

Dumpee's do have power though. When we get dumped and immediately disappear from their lives through NC, it will bother some dumpers. It's now OUR choice if we EVER choose to reengage with the dumper. Some dumpers question their decision in the first place especially when they haven't met anyone new or better several weeks or a couple of months later and get bored and lonely. This is true even if they have been dating yet have failed to met anyone that rocked their world. That's when a lot of dumpers reappear and look for reconciliation or realize that maybe they made a terrible mistake.

 

But other dumpers are done for good when they drop the hammer. Like others have said, they had lost interest in the relationship or didn't see a future in it for weeks or months before the break up. They also checked out emotionally before had as well. I can look back at the last couple of months with my ex and see she was checking out. She spent less time with me, sex was infrequent, less cuddling or affection, she was moody and angry a lot and picked stupid fights.. I knew she was checking out, challenged her and BELIEVED her when she said she wasn't. I should of followed my instincts and dumped her when things didn't improve.

[hippetyhop]

My view is this- For the first several weeks or even a month, they feel relief. I know as a guy, when I ended relationships, I was done with them. But, looking back, I wasn't so sure I was that in love w/them in the first place even though some relationships were years long.

 

If there was still some love in the relationship at the time the dumper ended it, they are still thinking about the ex in some capacity. You cant just go from being in someones life everyday, texting, talking, etc to NC and it not have an effect on you.

 

Dumpee's do have power though. When we get dumped and immediately disappear from their lives through NC, it will bother some dumpers. It's now OUR choice if we EVER choose to reengage with the dumper. Some dumpers question their decision in the first place especially when they haven't met anyone new or better several weeks or a couple of months later and get bored and lonely. This is true even if they have been dating yet have failed to met anyone that rocked their world. That's when a lot of dumpers reappear and look for reconciliation or realize that maybe they made a terrible mistake.

 

But other dumpers are done for good when they drop the hammer. Like others have said, they had lost interest in the relationship or didn't see a future in it for weeks or months before the break up. They also checked out emotionally before had as well. I can look back at the last couple of months with my ex and see she was checking out. She spent less time with me, sex was infrequent, less cuddling or affection, she was moody and angry a lot and picked stupid fights.. I knew she was checking out, challenged her and BELIEVED her when she said she wasn't. I should of followed my instincts and dumped her when things didn't improve.

 

I am a recent dumper who requested NC and I've been thinking about how the dumpee feels. I let him know I'm not doing this maliciously or out of spite, etc. I have no hard feelings towards him.

 

As a dumper, I am miserable. I feel guilt for dumping him, but I knew it had to be done. I often wonder how he is doing, etc. He usually calls me on his way to/from work, and how he feels not calling me as I dearly miss his phone calls and chit chatting. I just miss him in general.

 

The statement you made about the dumper checking out emotionally his the nail right on the head. I knew for about two weeks I needed to end it, but I kept going like everything was okay until that moment. I dropped the (what I think) was the bombshell on him, and he replied back to me. But yes--I checked out beforehand. I knew I had to eventually so that gave me a head start.

 

My situation is a bit different than most. I let him know if things should change for him in the future, then I wouldn't have any problem revisiting what we had. Am I waiting for him to contact me? Let's just say--I'm not holding my breath.

[aloneinaz]

I am a recent dumper who requested NC and I've been thinking about how the dumpee feels. I let him know I'm not doing this maliciously or out of spite, etc. I have no hard feelings towards him.

 

As a dumper, I am miserable. I feel guilt for dumping him, but I knew it had to be done. I often wonder how he is doing, etc. He usually calls me on his way to/from work, and how he feels not calling me as I dearly miss his phone calls and chit chatting. I just miss him in general.

 

The statement you made about the dumper checking out emotionally his the nail right on the head. I knew for about two weeks I needed to end it, but I kept going like everything was okay until that moment. I dropped the (what I think) was the bombshell on him, and he replied back to me. But yes--I checked out beforehand. I knew I had to eventually so that gave me a head start.

 

My situation is a bit different than most. I let him know if things should change for him in the future, then I wouldn't have any problem revisiting what we had. Am I waiting for him to contact me? Let's just say--I'm not holding my breath.

 

What drove you to end it? You stated that you checked out weeks before. Cheating, lying, and other terrible things are a whole different animal when it comes to being dumped. I was speaking of a relationship that just faded.

 

Another interesting view on a dumper is when they are emotionally unstable like my ex was. I really believe she suffers from personality disorder as well. She knew I knew all her secrets and she'd admit to causing the vast majority of the problems in our relationship. She'd always say "i'm not an easy person to get along with" which was an understatement. She had pretty much no significant or close friends, had turbulent relationships with her family members and just struggled with relationships in general. I think she liked chaos and drama in her life. Her sister warned me months ago that no one will ever make her happy.

 

So, this is another reason why some dumpers dump. It's easier to run from their problems vs. addressing them and making their existing relationships better. Meeting someone new who doesn't know all their baggage is seen as a better plan.

[whyme76]

I can understand the sense of relief - initially. But if you love someone, and suddenly it seems they have completely given up on you, I would imagine you start to get curious at least.

[aloneinaz]

I can understand the sense of relief - initially. But if you love someone, and suddenly it seems they have completely given up on you, I would imagine you start to get curious at least.

 

The feeling of relief is generated from the built up tension and stress of knowing they are not happy anymore and they need to end the relationship. Once they end it, they feel relief due to all the stress and anxiety being over with.

 

Yes, as I've said before, if someone disappears from their life after getting dumped, it would have to make them curious but not necessarily interested enough to want them back or contact them. Their ego would be possibly bruised that they are not being chased after.

 

Dumpers do have regrets and do reappear in dumpee's lives on occasion. Like I said, it's usually when a month or more of time has passed and they are lonely and haven't met anyone better. What makes it even more painful for the dumper if they had any feelings at the end is if the dumpee moves on quickly and is dating someone else within a month or two of being dumped. That's when a dumper can panic a bit and the dumpee gets some satisfaction that they moved on with their life and the dumper has regrets now.

[whyme76]

I am a recent dumper who requested NC and I've been thinking about how the dumpee feels. I let him know I'm not doing this maliciously or out of spite, etc. I have no hard feelings towards him.

 

As a dumper, I am miserable. I feel guilt for dumping him, but I knew it had to be done. I often wonder how he is doing, etc. He usually calls me on his way to/from work, and how he feels not calling me as I dearly miss his phone calls and chit chatting. I just miss him in general.

 

The statement you made about the dumper checking out emotionally his the nail right on the head. I knew for about two weeks I needed to end it, but I kept going like everything was okay until that moment. I dropped the (what I think) was the bombshell on him, and he replied back to me. But yes--I checked out beforehand. I knew I had to eventually so that gave me a head start.

 

My situation is a bit different than most. I let him know if things should change for him in the future, then I wouldn't have any problem revisiting what we had. Am I waiting for him to contact me? Let's just say--I'm not holding my breath.

 

I agree with the dumper checking out emotionally - I sensed it but was in denial. The reason I am curious about what NC does to a dumper is because this is now the 2nd time my ex has dumped me. And NC brought him back to me the 1st time - after I finally let go and stopped finding reasons to contact him as I had been doing for 2 months, I went strict NC for 2 months, curiosity, loneliness and the grass is not greener (I assume) took over for him.

 

I didn't learn my lesson the 1st time, in a lot of ways, and kept contacting him for 6 weeks after this 2nd breakup. Then it hit me that I need to go into NC (duh) regardless of if I think we have any hope for a future or not. So now I am curious if NC has triggered any thoughts of me for him, again.

 

I've read a lot of posts here that people agree to go to into NC. My ex and I never discussed it, we just went NC. I would think if you knew someone was purposely doing NC because you talked about it, what went thru your head would be slightly different because you know you're being intentionally ignored. If NC is dropped onto you, wouldn't you start to wonder where is this person, what happened to them, have they already moved on? At least for me that's where my mind starts to wander.

[aloneinaz]

You're trying to use it as a tool to get him back. Do you really want someone back that dumped you twice already? My ex broke up with me times, always telling me it was a mistake when I got her back and that she'd never do it again.

 

Well, I'm single so that should tell you that reconciliations don't work the vast majority of the time.

 

You need to worry about you. Stay NC and move on with your life to someone who will love you for you. Stop worrying about what he thinks. It shouldn't matter.

[hippetyhop]

What drove you to end it? You stated that you checked out weeks before. Cheating, lying, and other terrible things are a whole different animal when it comes to being dumped. I was speaking of a relationship that just faded.

 

Another interesting view on a dumper is when they are emotionally unstable like my ex was. I really believe she suffers from personality disorder as well. She knew I knew all her secrets and she'd admit to causing the vast majority of the problems in our relationship. She'd always say "i'm not an easy person to get along with" which was an understatement. She had pretty much no significant or close friends, had turbulent relationships with her family members and just struggled with relationships in general. I think she liked chaos and drama in her life. Her sister warned me months ago that no one will ever make her happy.

 

So, this is another reason why some dumpers dump. It's easier to run from their problems vs. addressing them and making their existing relationships better. Meeting someone new who doesn't know all their baggage is seen as a better plan.

 

I was involved with a married man. It wasn't an ideal situation, but please feel free to berate me in the OW/OM forum. It wasn't anything I was proud of. The relationship we had-the communication and physical aspect was very good, but artificial. I ended it so I can be true to myself and he can get his life back together. Some things went down and I ultimately told him this was the perfect time for him to focus on his children and marriage. So yes, cheating was involved but on his end. Regardless that it was a married person, the feels are still there, and are still involved as we had/have a connection.

 

I checked out weeks before as I knew I had to end it. Honestly, I probably could have kept it going for years but I did not want to as I deserve more.

 

The NC has been hard for me to do. I will not contact him first, and I know he won't ever contact me since I ended it.

 

Emotional instability is a huge factor in a relationship. Even if a relationship gets to be too much on a person, this is how they back out. Instead of talking about it (because who really likes "that talk"), up and leaving can be easier to do. Him and I went low contact about a month ago, and at first it was okay, but I figured it wouldn't be the same; so I did us both a favor. Others may feel that a relationship may be an "all or nothing" deal. Where are the boundaries set if a person says that it is too much and they need a break. When can you contact them? How much is too much? How often can you see them? How long do they need a break?

[whyme76]

The feeling of relief is generated from the built up tension and stress of knowing they are not happy anymore and they need to end the relationship. Once they end it, they feel relief due to all the stress and anxiety being over with.

 

Yes, as I've said before, if someone disappears from their life after getting dumped, it would have to make them curious but not necessarily interested enough to want them back or contact them. Their ego would be possibly bruised that they are not being chased after.

 

Dumpers do have regrets and do reappear in dumpee's lives on occasion. Like I said, it's usually when a month or more of time has passed and they are lonely and haven't met anyone better. What makes it even more painful for the dumper if they had any feelings at the end is if the dumpee moves on quickly and is dating someone else within a month or two of being dumped. That's when a dumper can panic a bit and the dumpee gets some satisfaction that they moved on with their life and the dumper has regrets now.

 

aloneinaz - do you know my ex lol? After exactly 2 moths of NC I think it finally got to him. During our time apart he did not date anyone - I didn't want to know if it's because he just couldn't find anyone, was too lazy to try, or no one was interested - but I suspect lazy. During our time apart I ended up dating someone else - briefly. When my ex and I got back together after 4 months apart - he was stunned, shocked even that I had dated someone else. It seemed to bother him a whole lot. We did both love each other very much, and still do I think. Did he think I was home pining away and crying over him (which for a while I was but didn't admit it). Part of me couldn't help thinking as well that he thought I couldn't find anyone else, no one would want me if he didn't?

[hippetyhop]

I agree with the dumper checking out emotionally - I sensed it but was in denial. The reason I am curious about what NC does to a dumper is because this is now the 2nd time my ex has dumped me. And NC brought him back to me the 1st time - after I finally let go and stopped finding reasons to contact him as I had been doing for 2 months, I went strict NC for 2 months, curiosity, loneliness and the grass is not greener (I assume) took over for him.

 

I didn't learn my lesson the 1st time, in a lot of ways, and kept contacting him for 6 weeks after this 2nd breakup. Then it hit me that I need to go into NC (duh) regardless of if I think we have any hope for a future or not. So now I am curious if NC has triggered any thoughts of me for him, again.

 

I've read a lot of posts here that people agree to go to into NC. My ex and I never discussed it, we just went NC. I would think if you knew someone was purposely doing NC because you talked about it, what went thru your head would be slightly different because you know you're being intentionally ignored. If NC is dropped onto you, wouldn't you start to wonder where is this person, what happened to them, have they already moved on? At least for me that's where my mind starts to wander.

 

The point of NC isn't for them to come back to you. It is to move on. If that was the case, then he would come back to you after a cooling down period. No contact can be hard to follow, and hard not to respond if they do contact you. Why go back again?

[whyme76]

The point of NC isn't for them to come back to you. It is to move on. If that was the case, then he would come back to you after a cooling down period. No contact can be hard to follow, and hard not to respond if they do contact you. Why go back again?

 

He did come back to me after a cooling down period of NC (last time).

 

Sure initially NC is not for them to come back to you, or you to them. But, in my own experience and from a lot of posts here that is exactly what NC does. So it's as if NC has a secondary effect that is almost a bonus to healing and getting over a relationship. Of course this depends on why the relationship ended - in my case there was no abuse, no cheating, no fighting, no yelling involved - it was just timing because of family obligations. So in my experience NC helps both people gain perspective because you can't begin to miss something until it's truly gone. And maybe I'm naive, or too kind hearted but there have been plenty of times i was grateful for a 2nd (or more) chance in life that I was given. No one's perfect, and you if wait around waiting for perfect you might be really disappointed.

[hippetyhop]

He did come back to me after a cooling down period of NC (last time).

 

Sure initially NC is not for them to come back to you, or you to them. But, in my own experience and from a lot of posts here that is exactly what NC does. So it's as if NC has a secondary effect that is almost a bonus to healing and getting over a relationship. Of course this depends on why the relationship ended - in my case there was no abuse, no cheating, no fighting, no yelling involved - it was just timing because of family obligations. So in my experience NC helps both people gain perspective because you can't begin to miss something until it's truly gone. And maybe I'm naive, or too kind hearted but there have been plenty of times i was grateful for a 2nd (or more) chance in life that I was given. No one's perfect, and you if wait around waiting for perfect you might be really disappointed.

 

Unless I missed it, how long were your NC periods?

[whyme76]

Unless I missed it, how long were your NC periods?

 

The first breakup I was LC for about 2 months, then 100% NC for another 2 months. This 2nd time I have been LC for 6 weeks, and have started my 2nd week of NC. If I do ever hear from him, I don't expect it to be for months, and I also don't expect we could have a relationship again, but maybe we can at least not pretend that we don't exist.

[hippetyhop]

The first breakup I was LC for about 2 months, then 100% NC for another 2 months. This 2nd time I have been LC for 6 weeks, and have started my 2nd week of NC. If I do ever hear from him, I don't expect it to be for months, and I also don't expect we could have a relationship again, but maybe we can at least not pretend that we don't exist.

 

I just posted on another thread that I went NC on an ex-boyfriend last year. He reached out to be probably after 8 or so months. I wasn't expecting to contact him first. I laid the ground rules (I'll be friends--but I have no physical interest) and it is working out so far so good.

 

It takes time though. It is still kind of awkward talking to him. But, you can never have too many friends.

[aloneinaz]

The first breakup I was LC for about 2 months, then 100% NC for another 2 months. This 2nd time I have been LC for 6 weeks, and have started my 2nd week of NC. If I do ever hear from him, I don't expect it to be for months, and I also don't expect we could have a relationship again, but maybe we can at least not pretend that we don't exist.

 

Look, you're in a similar position to me. You've been dumped multiple times. In my case, I'm done. I have been berated, blasted, scalded and more from family and friends for continuing to go back to my ex in the past after some of her BS. I'm dating now trying to meet and find my next significant other. Am I over the ex, of course not. I'm still in shock w/her behavior, for feeling taken advantage of and used. For not feel appreciated for all I did for her and her kids. But overall, I think I'm doing fine and am feeling what I should feel after only 6 weeks. Time does heal all wounds. This is true. I'm quite certain that all I'm missing to put her mostly out of my mind is to find my next relationship with a normal, non emotionally unstable woman.

 

You need to do the same thing. Stop focusing on that guy and start dating someone new who hasn't broke up with you twice already.

[whyme76]

Look, you're in a similar position to me. You've been dumped multiple times. In my case, I'm done. I have been berated, blasted, scalded and more from family and friends for continuing to go back to my ex in the past after some of her BS. I'm dating now trying to meet and find my next significant other. Am I over the ex, of course not. I'm still in shock w/her behavior, for feeling taken advantage of and used. For not feel appreciated for all I did for her and her kids. But overall, I think I'm doing fine and am feeling what I should feel after only 6 weeks. Time does heal all wounds. This is true. I'm quite certain that all I'm missing to put her mostly out of my mind is to find my next relationship with a normal, non emotionally unstable woman.

 

You need to do the same thing. Stop focusing on that guy and start dating someone new who hasn't broke up with you twice already.

 

I know I should be done - at least my friends all tell me so. But if he was to come to me today, I admit I would give him another try although I would be very guarded with my heart. It's tough because in my mind he was one of the greatest people (not just as a bf, but as a human being) that I have ever known. I don't know if I will ever find anyone again who can measure up, and I'm not getting any younger (37), and I want someone and a family, and what if I never find anyone else whatsoever and am alone forever, blah blah all these thoughts are running circles in my head right now

[aloneinaz]

I know I should be done - at least my friends all tell me so. But if he was to come to me today, I admit I would give him another try although I would be very guarded with my heart. It's tough because in my mind he was one of the greatest people (not just as a bf, but as a human being) that I have ever known. I don't know if I will ever find anyone again who can measure up, and I'm not getting any younger (37), and I want someone and a family, and what if I never find anyone else whatsoever and am alone forever, blah blah all these thoughts are running circles in my head right now

 

That's why you don't sit around for months and months mooning over a failed relationship. Your 37. Start dating and find someone you can TRUST to not bail as soon as something happens. Do you want to marry and start a family with a guy with a history of dumping you? People don't change. There's something about your relationship or you that he wasn't happy with which is why he left twice. The same goes with my ex. There was something about me she clearly didn't like which led to break up after break up.

 

You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. You can't do that staying at home mooning over an ex hoping they MIGHT re-appear.

 

How long did you guys last after he dumped you and got back together?

[whyme76]

That's why you don't sit around for months and months mooning over a failed relationship. Your 37. Start dating and find someone you can TRUST to not bail as soon as something happens. Do you want to marry and start a family with a guy with a history of dumping you? People don't change. There's something about your relationship or you that he wasn't happy with which is why he left twice. The same goes with my ex. There was something about me she clearly didn't like which led to break up after break up.

 

You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. You can't do that staying at home mooning over an ex hoping they MIGHT re-appear.

 

How long did you guys last after he dumped you and got back together?

 

We only lasted a few months the 2nd time around before he had yet another family issues pop up unexpectedly and he changed in 24 hrs. Believe me I know you and everyone else giving me the same advice is right I need to work on finding someone else. The thing is, the guy is the 2nd guy I've found in my lifetime that I thought 'could be the one.' The 1st guy I was with for 14 yrs and they could make a Lifetime movie out of that story. Then I dated a bunch of 'fools' for lack of a better term until I met this new guy. I just feel the odds are stacked against me at this point to find anyone and I will forever be all alone.

[Leigh 87]

The feeling of relief is generated from the built up tension and stress of knowing they are not happy anymore and they need to end the relationship. Once they end it, they feel relief due to all the stress and anxiety being over with.

 

Yes, as I've said before, if someone disappears from their life after getting dumped, it would have to make them curious but not necessarily interested enough to want them back or contact them. Their ego would be possibly bruised that they are not being chased after.

 

Dumpers do have regrets and do reappear in dumpee's lives on occasion. Like I said, it's usually when a month or more of time has passed and they are lonely and haven't met anyone better. What makes it even more painful for the dumper if they had any feelings at the end is if the dumpee moves on quickly and is dating someone else within a month or two of being dumped. That's when a dumper can panic a bit and the dumpee gets some satisfaction that they moved on with their life and the dumper has regrets now.

 

 

 

My ex left me. Apparently not due to lack of love but for pretty valid reasons that could hav3 ended any relationship. Irrespective of how in love a guy was.

 

Yet he continued to say that it was just the end for now. That he was still crazy about me. He came over just to hold me in bed at night. No sex initiated.

 

....... he said that we'd probably get back together.

 

I figured that I was better off just forgetting about him. So, eventually, I hooked up with another guy.

 

My ex found out and was devastated. He said that now he couldn't get back together with me. Which is stupid as I had previously made it clear to him that I would NOT wait around for him.

 

Do u think he regretted leaving a little? Or was his great pain over me and the other dude, due to the fact that he still had residual feelings for me (strong enough feelings to be really hurt over it yet not in love with me enough to stay or come back to me)