NCarolinagirl Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Hi everyone. Here is a little background info on what is going on with my husband and I so that my question hopefully will make sense. I am sincerely wanting some good advice especially from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Before we were married, including while we were engaged, I cheated on him with other guys. One relationship in particular lasted about 3 years. There were sexual activities involved, but no intercourse. After we married, I think I remember a few phone conversations with this same guy. During the early years of our marriage, I confessed it to him. He stayed with me and years went by. A few years back, he tried to play around with the thought of messing around, but it did not happen. He did post some pictures on some online "swingers" sight but never got personal with anyone. He said he felt like we were "even" now and we moved on. Another few years went by and we get to last year. He brought up what I had done again (after about a decade) and said he needed closure. Apparently, he said what I then told him was new information to him, ie. that it had been a long relationship, not just a one time thing (he could be right about that, but some things make me doubt that). Ok. So I apologized again and I thought things were ok. He even sent me an email saying he forgave me and I'm almost positive it was after this "new information" was revealed (supposedly). Ok. In November, he tells me that he had an affair with someone from about June-October. He meant for it to be a 3 year affair to "even the score" so to speak, but for different reasons, it didn't go on that long. They did have intercourse because he didn't believe that I HADN'T had intercourse with that person years ago. He also lied about many things (for different reasons) when he first confessed to me last year. So here are my main struggles at this point. 1) I obviously struggle with wether or not I can even get over the affair 2) It really bugs me that he had intercourse with her when I hadn't in the past. Keep in mind he is the only person I have had intercourse with in my life. I can't seem to get past him sharing the ultimate with someone else. In a strange way, if he would have told me he did the same thing I did, I don't think it would bother me as much. So the question here is, am I wrong to be struggling with him having intercourse while I had some guy's finger inside me (sorry to be graphic, but I really want some opinions) or not. To me, being fingered and having intercourse are very different. 3) The whole revenge thing bothers me. I told him he should have either insisted on getting help OR left me. He and I are open to reconciliation, it just seems that it is a battle that we can't win. We've even been to counseling a few times and come out of it at an impasse, talking of continuing our separation. There are also our precious girls that are still at home involved and I don't want to make a decision that I will regret (divorce) YEARS from now. He has also said that he struggles with the amount of time it could take me to deal with this (which is interesting considering the fact he obviously never got over what I did anyway). I'm thinking years of recovery, I am not sure he could do that. He might, he might not. He had told me he would expect a decision by about one year, then recanted and said he would wait longer. I just don't know that he truly will be able to wait for my recovery. I'll be honest, I have no clue how long it will take me. Again, I want to do what is best for my girls, myself and him. I do love him and we did have enough good times that I struggle with letting him go. I just wonder if we can get past all this. It's a mess, that's for sure....Thank you in advance for any advice, critical or not, that you can give me.
HopingAgain Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Usually when people wait years later to have a revenge affair, it's because their heart is already gone from the relationship. They were just waiting for the right (or wrong) opportunity It doesn't make sense to go back and forth cheating and hurting one another. What do you want to do? Do you know if he wants to stay in the marriage or leave, now that he is "even"?
Author NCarolinagirl Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) He actually says he goes back and forth, like me. He says he does love me. He just doesn't want to have to "eat crow" for the rest of his life so to speak. We just disagree on so much and it feels like an impossible situation. As far as what I want? I do love him and I want what is best for the kids, I just don't know that I can get past what happened to be the kind of wife he needs. I KNOW that going out and sleeping with some guy to truly "make it even" at this point is ridiculous and unhealthy, but honestly, yes I struggle with wanting to do that. I know it isn't right and it wouldn't solve anything, I just wish I didn't feel the need or desire to do so and I'm afraid it will always haunt me. It basically comes down to two possiblities. I can either try to get over everything and work through counseling towards making it work (what if I can't) OR when the time comes, get the divorce (which will also be awful) and possibly have a regret of that later in life. It just feels as if I am in a no win situation and I hate it.... Edited July 16, 2013 by NCarolinagirl
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 The "score" will never be even. It's not a contest. It's a marriage. Two wrongs did not make a right- how on earth could three? What you did was wrong. Your husband had the good choices to leave you or forgive you and stay. He chose to stay and punish. He cheated, what he did was wrong. You have the good choices to forgive him and stay, or divorce him. If you stay and punish, you have no marriage, you are wasting each others time with revenge and misery That cannot possibly in any way be good for your daughters. Stop this madness now and make one of the good choices and be a good role model for them. 6
Leelou Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Scott Adams wrote, “Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.” 1
BeholdtheMan Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Your marriage sounds unsalvageable. I think it's time to part ways as amicably as possible. If I were your husband, I wouldn't believe that you had a physically intimate affair with another man for three years with no intercourse. I find this very hard to believe. It's not impossible, but I would suspect that you're trying to minimise damage. He should've left you, but as has been mentioned, he chose to stay and punish. Your marriage is a shattered husk. The ship is sinking. Time to jump ship 1
road Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 This is the problem with trickle truthing. It is lying by ommission. Learning new facts about your affair, even years later makes the affair new to your BH. You had all these years to process this in your mind and leave it in the past. He needs years now to leave those revelations in the past. Another example of how revenge affairs never solve anything. Scores can never be evened. You now have a 2nd affair to go all the way because BH/WH did in his affair. Well that would leave you ahead in having two affairs with two OM. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 This is the problem with trickle truthing. It is lying by ommission. Learning new facts about your affair, even years later makes the affair new to your BH. You had all these years to process this in your mind and leave it in the past. He needs years now to leave those revelations in the past. Another example of how revenge affairs never solve anything. Scores can never be evened. You now have a 2nd affair to go all the way because BH/WH did in his affair. Well that would leave you ahead in having two affairs with two OM. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Good point about trickle truthing- I re- read the OP and realized if the story had been told from the husband'd perspective we would have likely heard a vastly different version. Not that that excuses his affair in any way shape or form, but a fact that seems to often be lost to WS's is that trickle truthing isn't protecting the BS, but causing more harm. Hearing new facts about the affair months or years later makes the affair new to a BS and re-traumatizes. That needed to be repeated. Thanks for pointing that out. 1
Author NCarolinagirl Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Thank you all for the great advice, comments and suggestions, no matter how tough-I needed them. As of now, we are both just trying to see where this goes. We are going to seek additional marriage counseling and give it more time (we've only been separated since last November/December. I am obviously not going to continue this insane cycle of hurting and seeking revenge. It is wrong and it is unhealthy and a horrible example to the kids no matter how I "feel". I realize this is something I will have to seek individual counseling for myself. I am still at a total loss as to how to proceed here. He and I are friends, we do talk frequently, we are even going on a "date" tomorrow night for dinner and a movie. The issue is, can we move past this level of friendship into an intimate marriage again? I am scared of so many things and I wonder if we CAN make it. I don't want to look back 10-20 years from now and wish I had tried harder or made a different choice. I guess in a way, there might be a chance of less regret down the road if we choose to stay together. The problem is, he admitted just the other day that he questions would he be willing to wait for my healing or even if I never heal. I have been with him since I was 16 and am now 35 years old. I have a history with him, children, and believe it not, after even all this mess-a close friendship (he and I can talk for HOURS like best friends). I just don't know that I can get past this to be the kind of wife he would need me to be. Essentially I guess he wants me to be able to do what he didn't do which was to forgive and move on. I don't blame him, I don't know that I can do it either. I do want to at least TRY, but I don't know that he will be able to...
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I in no way advocate revenge affairs, as a matter of fact I am very much against them, but to me it always seems hypocritical for the original cheater to come crying about being cheated on. Three years is a long time, especially when you are only 20 years old, and there were multiple guys. I get the feeling that he made peace with it, then when you laid the 3-year thing on him, it threw off that very thing he made peace with, it was like a brand new lie and a brand new cheat. Cheating is NEVER forgotten, so in that sense you NEVER get over it completely, there always is something that comes up from time to time to remind you about it, even many years later. Trust never comes back to where it was. There is a poster here, I think bryan, who always posts, while trying to convince the betrayed spouse to divorce, "do you think they would stay with you if YOU cheated?" Well, anyway, it sure is a mess. It is a mess of your own making, with your husband's ample help. It sounds like he never did deal with your original cheating, he still is quite bothered by it, and you never really helped him get over it by coming clean. I am guessing that you both are going to have to get over each other's affairs now. Trust must be rebuilt. Your husband's trust likely was rebuilt to about 90% of what it was before your affairs (I don't think it gets much higher than that after you've been cheated on; I guess you will find out soon enough), until he found out that you still were lying to him. Yeah, I read your post before, you don't think you lied to him, you thought you told him that, you're pretty sure you did, or at least you can't quite remember. I tend to believe his version that it was new information based on your history together and this happening somewhat suddenly. Right now your trust is at about 10% and it doesn't seem your husband is doing very much to help you at all, either. If you are going to get over this, you can't just sweep these things this time, you've got to face down the ROOT CAUSE and figure out what it was, then fix it so the other feels comfortable it won't happen again. FULL DISCLOSURE is needed.
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