sunflower11 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 hey guys! so I need some advice or someone to help me see things more clearly because i feel that maybe my emotions may be clouding my vision and won't let me think straight about this. I have been dating my current bf for 4 months now and in the beginning everything was great. He is 36 and i am 24 however he has always been very independent and very big on the party scene. sometimes i feel that he acts as if he was still in his 20s with no care in the world at all as he sometimes goes to clubs on weekends and won't even tell me about it. His reason is that i work on weekends so thats why he doesn't invite me to go with him and never in his life he has felt like he needs to give anyone an explanation or ask for permission. I tried to explain to him its not that he needs to ask for my permission, its just that we are in a relationship and its not nice to hear from my friends that they saw him at x, y, z club all weekend. He asked me to respect that the is who he has always been and that he respect me and the relationship and wouldn't cheat on me or break my trust, its just he likes going out, listening to music, hanging out with friends, nothing more. Before i started dating him all his friends said he was a serious guy who just liked partying but he wouldn't even be into other girls or try to talk or hook up with them, he just really likes going out. So i tried to understand it and respect thats who he is, we met at a club in the first place and i always knew he was like this so i dont want to change him, i just want him to consider me more. Anyway, the big issue now is that he went on a trip to Philippines with 3 girls, all friends he said, for a week, and he didn't even share the details with me until a week before because i kNOOOOW he knew i wouldn't be ok with it, what girl would?? but then he started throwing things at me like I'm too jealous and possessive and dont let him be with his friends and i need to respect his life. but honestly, WHO WOULD BE OK WITH THIS? because I've asked a few of my female and male friends and they all think its is like a big no no...at least to me it feels like a huge NO. you just dont go to another country with 3 girls for a week while ur girlfriend stays at home working. i found out 3 days into the trip that it was just him and 3 girls and i told him it wasn't ok, he said i should trust him, i told him its not about trust, i would never do that to you, go off with 3 male friends because i know it would hurt your feelings even if u trusted me...then i told him we should talk about it in person when he gets back as i didn't want to argue on the chat with him and he said ok. he's coming back in 4 days but I'm not exactly sure how to talk to him about it. i feel like many times he wants to be independent and do what he wants but thats not exactly how a relationship should be and many times i suck it up and try to understand even if some things bother me, but this time i think he crossed the line. what do u guys think??? how can i talk to him about it without him feeling like I'm trying to control his life or what he can or cannot do?
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 This sucks. I am sorry, it just sounds like he doesn't want a relationship. It isn't even about WHAT he is doing, it's about his disregard for your feelings and his need to omit information from you. Are you truly happy in this relationship? Where is the GOOD in it?
KungFuJoe Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Ho boy. Phillipines? With three girls? Kinda redundant if you ask me. Anyways...move on...this guy doesn't want a relationship. He's wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
Author sunflower11 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Yea I'm not even sure I am happy with him..theres many things that haven't been ok with me that I just tried to accept, but in my mind and the idea that i have of a relationship is not like this so...ive felt unhappy with him for a couple weeks now... The thing that hurts me the most is just that, he didn't consider me or how i would feel, he just wanted to go do what he wanted and have fun
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Yea I'm not even sure I am happy with him..theres many things that haven't been ok with me that I just tried to accept, but in my mind and the idea that i have of a relationship is not like this so...ive felt unhappy with him for a couple weeks now... The thing that hurts me the most is just that, he didn't consider me or how i would feel, he just wanted to go do what he wanted and have fun Looks like you already know what to do.
Author sunflower11 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 And also kinda had the feeling he wasn't serious about me or a relationship...i think he loves his independence too much. and its not that he has to give that up in a relationship, but he doesn't get he can't do whatever he wants, he needs to think about me as well and he doesn't
Author sunflower11 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 yes miss jaclynrae...thing is, I've never ended a relationship before....ive only had 4 relationships in my life so far and in all of them, the men broke up with me. even if i was unhappy or wasnt what i wanted, i stayed in them hoping they would change or things would work out later but they never did and i ended up with a broken heart....im not even sure how to get the courage to break up with someone who doesn't make me happy anymore...i think its my fear of being alone
NJtoDC Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Sounds like your idea of boundaries is different than his. I don't blame you. He clearly doesn't want you to cramp his free spirited style. He doesn't want to change his behavior to respect relationship boundaries in a way that makes you comfortable. Heck, he dismisses your feelings on the topic, basically saying tough *****. I'd let him go and find a guy who's boundaries and lifestyle are in line with my own. This sounds like misery, more and more the longer you hold on. He is 36 years old but doesn't sound like a serious man looking for a healthy committed relationship.
NJtoDC Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 yes miss jaclynrae...thing is, I've never ended a relationship before....ive only had 4 relationships in my life so far and in all of them, the men broke up with me. even if i was unhappy or wasnt what i wanted, i stayed in them hoping they would change or things would work out later but they never did and i ended up with a broken heart....im not even sure how to get the courage to break up with someone who doesn't make me happy anymore...i think its my fear of being alone How to break up with him? Demand he respect your boundaries and he will do it for you. Keep in mind, he doesn't seem to give a crap about your feelings or to take you seriously. If you break it off he may not even care very much. Sorry.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 yes miss jaclynrae...thing is, I've never ended a relationship before....ive only had 4 relationships in my life so far and in all of them, the men broke up with me. even if i was unhappy or wasnt what i wanted, i stayed in them hoping they would change or things would work out later but they never did and i ended up with a broken heart....im not even sure how to get the courage to break up with someone who doesn't make me happy anymore...i think its my fear of being alone How to break up with a guy who is currently in another country with 3 other girls. Step 1. Do not call or text him Step 2. Do not answer any calls or texts from him Step 3. Block him on Facebook, text email and phone Step 4. Send him an email that says you realized you and he have different definitions of a relationship. Wish him the best and tell him to not contact you. Step 5. Re-read steps 1-4. Good luck. (Normally I advise braking up in person, but he's not around.)
Elle1975 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I found out, the hard-hard way, that we cannot change people. I would try and find someone who has the same idea of what a relationship should be. 1
Author sunflower11 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Thanks guys for the advice....he seemed so different in the beginning he was crazy about me...or thats what it seemed like to me and i kept expecting him to go back to the person i met before but its just more and more misery. i won't call or text him anymore...ill just wait until he does and if he gets back and says he wants to talk..i just need to be honest and say this is not the relationship that i want to be in and this relationship doesn't make me happy anymore. we are not even romantic with each other anymore... he was very intense in the beginning he said he loved me like a month into the relationship and i thought it was kind of rushed but he also talked about moving in together in a few months, i just let myself go with it, i didn't want to question things this time in a relationship. he acted like he really wanted to be with me and cared about me so i just opened myself to him...and then he used to say he loved me everyday and two months ago he stopped and hasn't said it ever since...the last time i said it to him was on a message just said gnite i love u and he said...have a good rest..because it was the first time he didn't say it back, i didn't say it again cause i was waiting on him to say it first, but I've been waiting two months and nothing
Elle1975 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Well maybe he keeps you around for the sex now? Hard to tell. Hope you find someone good to you.
darkmoon Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 yes miss jaclynrae...thing is, I've never ended a relationship before....ive only had 4 relationships in my life so far and in all of them, the men broke up with me. even if i was unhappy or wasnt what i wanted, i stayed in them hoping they would change or things would work out later but they never did and i ended up with a broken heart....im not even sure how to get the courage to break up with someone who doesn't make me happy anymore...i think its my fear of being alone the odds of "being alone" for long when you're young and radiant are slight, please stop staying in masochistic situations and pick better men, give him one last chance by telling him it is them or you, no need to emote even, he seems a bit much you say they drop you, well, a word to the wise, some see a red flag and dump because of his sort lack of effort to make you/us happy or keep him on, but just date others or make men friends, like him n his female ones, he's not committing nor should you, but let the plonker buy you dinner now and again xx
KatZee Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 It's real obvious all he values is his "independence." I mean come on. 36? Single? Still up in the clubs? Lets be real, this isn't a guy that's trying to really settle down here. He's acting like he's single despite being with you. And as I like to say, "If you want to act single, go be single." He hides things from you because he knows you'll be upset. He's not being respectful of you and your feelings at all. Plus, 3 girls in the Philippines? Pfffttttt. You're dating a man-child. This is who he is. He's not going to change for you. You knew what you were getting when you went into it, and he even said it to you. Talking to him won't work here. I would just let this one go. 1
Adele0908 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I'm not an expert but I don't recommend waiting for a man to change while you are unhappy and expecting him to understand how you feel without you telling him directly and honestly. Many men don't know how you feel or know if you are hurting unless you tell them or show them. If you could share your true feelings without blaming him and nagging him, and learn to assert yourself more, then you may get better behavior from him. Most women nag and complain and whine and think that it's going to change the man. As you can now see, it doesn't work, especially if you are dealing with a man who has a lot of options with women. If you dump him now, you may not learn the lesson you need to learn and you might find yourself repeating the same patterns with the next man. Why don't you call or text anymore? You're holding back because you are afraid, and if you hold back then he will.
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