downgrade23 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Here's the story. I have been divorced for over a year and a half. I have full custody of my son and his mother never sees him because she chooses not to. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful woman and we've been together for 4 months. I'm head over heels in love with her and until recently she has expressed the same feelings. She is in love with my son and he looks up to her as a mother figure and has stated to the both of us that he wants us to all live together and for her to be his mommy. We live about 20 miles apart and most weeks only get to see each other a couple of times a week plus she'll come up to stay Saturday and Sunday until I have to go to work on Sunday nights. I work 3rd shift and she works during the day a few days a week and at a restaurant 4-5 nights a week. Everything has been great up until last week. We spent almost the entire week of the July 4th together because my company was shutdown for that week. We had a great time, went to a few 4th parties and took my son to see fireworks twice and took him swimming at her aunt's multiple times. We joked and laughed and were by each other's side the entire time. The Sunday following the 4th I left mid afternoon to head home to get some things done before I returned to work and she went to help her cousin's get their animals ready for fair that started the next day. She spent 3 days at the fair helping and I didn't hear much from here, which I had expected because I knew she was busy. We did text back and forth off and on those days. I hadn't any doubts about things at that time. Same thing with the rest of the week, although she'd been short with me, until Saturday. On Saturday, we talked after she got off of work from the restaurant she works at and she said she didn't want to hurt me or my son, but she said that she wasn't sure what she wanted. She wanted to think about things and she said that she was thinking about moving about 2hrs away for better job opportunities and that she needed to do what's best for her. I slept like crap Saturday night, worrying myself to death. Sunday morning came around and she came up to my parents for lunch and then my son, her, and I went to her aunt's to go swimming. At my parents she was sitting with me and playing with my son and I. When we got to the pool she was trying to help me teach my son to swim and was being affectionate to me. My son and I left in the evening so I could get some sleep before going to work. She walked us to our car and put my son in his car seat, said the I love you's and goodbye's to him and said the same thing to me. We kissed and she said that she knows I don't want to lose her. My mind raced all night at work. This afternoon after I woke up, I put my heart out to her and she told me to stop worrying about her because she isn't pushing me to the side, even though it feels that way. She also said to stop telling her how I feel because that isn't what's going to make her stay and that people have to do what makes them happy. I told her I'd back off. We've text off and on all day today since that conversation, and the mood has been better. I don't really know what to do or what to think at this time. I am absolutely in love with her, more than I have ever been with anyone else and I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose her. What should I do?
TaraMaiden Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Get ready to part. She's telling you her intentions, and trust me - ladies don't talk that way unless there's something brewing. Sadly, she's not committed to either you or your son - and no matter how much you believe emotional ties to your son should at least make her think twice about leaving, that's not so. She has no obligation, and really - sad as it may be - she's thinking of things she wants to do, and other avenues she wants to explore. She's entitled to do that.... I'm sorry for both your son and you. But if she's leaving emotionally, you can bet that she will leave physically too....
pteromom Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I don't think there is much you can do but back off. This is all up to her. She might leave, or she might decide to stay, but it's pretty much out of your control. I'm sorry for you, and especially sorry for your son.
Author downgrade23 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Get ready to part. She's telling you her intentions, and trust me - ladies don't talk that way unless there's something brewing. Sadly, she's not committed to either you or your son - and no matter how much you believe emotional ties to your son should at least make her think twice about leaving, that's not so. She has no obligation, and really - sad as it may be - she's thinking of things she wants to do, and other avenues she wants to explore. She's entitled to do that.... I'm sorry for both your son and you. But if she's leaving emotionally, you can bet that she will leave physically too.... That's kind of what has been running through my head. She did also mention that she is taking into consideration my feelings and my son's feelings and doesn't want to walk out on him like his biological mother did.
TaraMaiden Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 This is her dilemma to work out, but you need to step back... What she actually is having difficulty with, is the thought that she will have to deal with the guilt of leaving you and your son. That's her problem. She knows she's going to have to negotiate that in her mind. The guilt. But the very fact that she's mentioned it at all, does not bode well for a future together. 1
SJC2008 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 How long has she been thinking about moving two hours away? She knows how you feel so any more affirmations will just push her away. Tell her she needs to do what's right for her and she shouldn't feel guilty about doing so. That's part of the risk you take when you date someone with a child so she took the risk.
Author downgrade23 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 To the best of my knowledge she has only been thinking about it for the past week or so. I have stopped giving her affirmations and don't plan on it. I did tell her today that she needs to do whatever is best for her and I wouldn't push her to make any certain decision. I haven't told her I love her since our discussion and I think I won't mention it unless she tells me or she decides that she wants to stay. I just don't understand how someone could go from being highly affectionate and loving one change in the span of a week. I knowthat she does get stressed out about money because her one job is part time and the other one she isn't guaranteed to make a set amount. She'll have a week or so every couple of months where she gets stressed about her jobs. She did say today that she still wants to go out for my birthday in 2 weeks like we had planned and go to the cottage with me for the weekend in september. A lot of mixed signals.
Author downgrade23 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 So the past 2 days I have showered at the gym after work and hadn't even thought aboout it, but she still has a bunch of her stuff here, clothes, makeup, hair care products, personal hygene items at my house and she hasn't made mention of wanting them back at all. Also, since I have backed off with the affirmations, lovey texts, and saying I love you, she has been more receptive to conversations with me. She has actually engaged me in conversations more than I have. She text me this morning as I was walking to my truck to tell me good morning. Should I take this as a possible good sign? I don't want to sum it up to GIGS but it isn't out of the question.
TaraMaiden Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Don't take anything as any form of sign. keep playing it cool and be receptive but not fawning or 'clingy'. (You're doing just fine, right now....) Leave whatever decision she decides to make, to her. She will doubtless tell you when she's ready, but planning future events, is a good sign. Usually.....
Imajerk17 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) Well, you didn't ask this, but I had to comment on this anyway: Her being so integrated into your son's life after dating only 4 months was not a good idea on your part. Sounds to me that the honeymoon period of your relationship is over--at least for her--and now she is seriously re-evaluating whether or not she wants to pursue this. Thing is though, this wasn't that unlikely to happen as your relationship was so new. So yeah my thought reading this is that it was irresponsible of you to move so fast. If it doesn't work with this girl, slow things down with the next one. Meanwhile you have to scale back this woman's involvement with your son for his sake, in case things don't work out. Edited July 17, 2013 by Imajerk17
dasein Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 The highest probability is that she's met someone else and is maintaining a shred of normality with you until the new thing solidifies in case it doesn't. Seen it many times, and the facts fit well, particularly with people who work in restaurants or bars. The 2 hour move thing is a smokescreen. Would go ahead and break up, go NC, and seek better options. Good luck moving forward. Next time don't give in so easily until you are absolutely sure you have a someone who is in love with you and not just biding time.
Author downgrade23 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 It is very hard to not bring my son into the equation. He is with me all the time. When I'm not working or sleeping, he is with me. I have been through the whole cheating and stringing someone else along with my exwife and it lasted for months before I finally kicked her to the curb. I know the signs to look for as I had done tons of research and know even the little subtle things to look for. I am not seeing it at all. I've talked to the lady who she tells everything to and she assured me that she isn't messing around behind my back. I honestly trust this woman because she had just gone through the same dilemma in her life and I know that she has no reason to lie to me. Last night before I went to work she text me a random I love you, when she hasn't said that to me in 3 days. I was taken back. I asked her if it was ok to tell her that, she responded to me with 'why wouldn't I?'. Another thing, all of her close friends and family have the utmost respect for me because of how I am a single parent and I spend so much time with my son, that I believe they'd let me know if anything was going on behind my back.
FitChick Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Good example why people with small kids shouldn't date. Or at the very least, hide their dating from their kids until they are about to become engaged. This little boy will have major problems with intimacy with women when he grows up.
Author downgrade23 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 I hate to sound like an ass, but I respect your opinion, however, I want happiness, I don't want to be single for another 5-10 years and in my opinion it isn't wise to hide the child until I am almost engaged, I have to see how he interacts with my SO before I would even pop the question. I wouldn't want to invest a year+ of my life to find out that they didn't interact well. I didn't even let her meet him until we had been together for almost 2 months.
Author downgrade23 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 So it's been about 2 weeks since I first posted about this, we have continued to speak to each other. I surprised her last Friday by bringing her flowers as an anniversary gift. She seemed so happy and was smiling from ear to ear. She hugged me and looked me in the eyes and told me she loves me. At this point I felt as if things were going better. I thought maybe she was starting to pull her head out of her ***. After Saturday though, things seemed to go back to the way they were at the beginning of this ordeal. I now am starting to not feel the pain that I felt when she told me how she was feeling. Things were up and down through Tuesday evening when she text me to have a good night at work. I said thanks, then a few hours later I checked facebook and saw that she went out for drinks with her female friend after work. She always tells me when she's doing this and this kind of upset me. I decided that at that point, I wasn't going to initiate any conversation with her until Friday, since as far as I know, we are still going out to celebrate my birthday on Saturday. I really do need to know if she's still planning on it or not b/c she's the one who set everything up. It's been 2 days since we've last spoken to each other. I'm kind of upset that she hasn't contacted me but at the same time I'm not. She wanted to decide what she wants and I'm giving her the space to do that. I have tried to reason with her. I've tried to explain to her that even though we're different, if we BOTH put in the effort into the relationship, we can work through the differences. All to no avail.
TaraMaiden Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I think it's about time you asked her what's what. You cannot tolerate being played around like this. Is she in - or out? There is no grey, 'maybe' are here. You have a right to know where you stand. You may not want to rock the boat and create a situation before your birthday, but to be honest, in the cold grey light - it's a day like any other when it comes to knowing what you need to know. It's time she either schytts or gets off the pot.
Author downgrade23 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I actually saved a draft text to her on my phone last night. It says...Look, I know you need to figure out what you 'want' and I understand this, however, it's been going on 2 weeks now and you have yet to figure it out. I need to know what is going on and know if we're going to work through this or if we're done. You know where I stand on things and now it's time for you to decide
TaraMaiden Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Personally, I think texts for this are entirely inappropriate. First of all, it gives her time to invent or build a strategy, make excuses and avoid looking you in the eye. Direct questions mean that she can't prevaricate, lie or play for time. ("Sorry, my 'phone was turned off/I didn't get that message....") And she's accountable, there and then. She HAS to answer you at the time you pose the question, she can't delay responding. Scrap the text. "Confront" her the next time you see her. And make her choose, then and there. 3
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