jncapital1 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I dated this woman for three months. She's in her early thirties, twin girls and was widowed almost three years ago. We were head over heals almost immediately and everything was great for the first 2 months then around Mother's Day, she started pulling away. Mother's day would have been her seventh anniversary and she had a few moments of sadness. After that, she pulled away. We talked about it and she said she was losing interest. We agreed to keep dating and both thought the issue was too much "family" time and not enough "adult" or dating time. We had a few weeks of great times and then one friday she stood me up with no explanation. I sent one email asking her what had happened with no response from her. AFter that, I stopped contact with her. Two weeks ago she sent a text asking "are you around?", which I ignored. Last week I sent her pictures that her daughter's had taken the last time we were all together. I didn't say much other than "hey, they took great pics." She sent me a text and asked if I would be interesting in talking with her so we are meeting for drinks tomorrow. I've given this lots of thought and if I had my way I would get back with her. I think we have great potential but feel she may be dealing with grief, we moved to fast to family mode instead of just having fun and I am in a professional transition which causes stress. So I'm going to the meeting but am very nervous. I'll be cool when I get there. I'm going to try to keep it casual and let her do most of the talking. If it goes ok, do I play it cool and just leave,or if she gives me an opening do I tell her I want another shot. Keep in mind the objective is to get back together.
AllTooWell Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Keep it casual, let her talk. Be yourself but do not bring up the past relationship. Let her direct and initiate the conversation. It sounds like you guys just moved too fast for her. The best thing you could do is pull back and act completely natural and cool. If she wants a second chance she will say so. If she does NOT say she wants one, after this meeting, I would go dark on her and start NC.
Author jncapital1 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 You can check my threads for more background. Briefly I was dating a wonderful 32 yr old woman for three months, everything was going great and then she started pulling away before standing me up with no explanation and no further contact. We hadn't communicated at all for seven weeks until last week. I sent her some pics her two daughters had taken the last time we were together and she sent me a text asking if I'd like to talk. So went for drinks last night. While we were both a bit nervous the conversation was wonderful, as it always was and we talked about lots of things like what we've been doing this summer. We didn't talk at all about our relationship. We spent an hour talking and I walked her to her car, where I gave her a quick hug, a peck on the cheek and walked away. There was some very small flirtation, she touched my arm once and I may have been mistaken but I thought when I just pecked her on the cheek and said goodnight she either wanted to say something, was surprised I just walked away or even had hoped for a kiss. I know I want her back. I've never doubted that. So what do I do now? Do I go back to not contacting her for a bit and see if she contacts me, or do I call her and tell her how I feel? Any advice would be appreciated.
AllTooWell Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 You can check my threads for more background. Briefly I was dating a wonderful 32 yr old woman for three months, everything was going great and then she started pulling away before standing me up with no explanation and no further contact. We hadn't communicated at all for seven weeks until last week. I sent her some pics her two daughters had taken the last time we were together and she sent me a text asking if I'd like to talk. So went for drinks last night. While we were both a bit nervous the conversation was wonderful, as it always was and we talked about lots of things like what we've been doing this summer. We didn't talk at all about our relationship. We spent an hour talking and I walked her to her car, where I gave her a quick hug, a peck on the cheek and walked away. There was some very small flirtation, she touched my arm once and I may have been mistaken but I thought when I just pecked her on the cheek and said goodnight she either wanted to say something, was surprised I just walked away or even had hoped for a kiss. I know I want her back. I've never doubted that. So what do I do now? Do I go back to not contacting her for a bit and see if she contacts me, or do I call her and tell her how I feel? Any advice would be appreciated. I think you did really well on your night out with her. Especially with what happened at the end. Do not contact her. Once again, if she has something to say she needs to put her butt into gear and say it. Give her a few days. If she says nothing then... you continue to say nothing. Remember, you cannot win someone back, they have to choose to come back.
Author jncapital1 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Thanks for the encouragement. I can tell you I am struggling today. It's like being back at square one. Last night made me realize why I loved being with her and all the emotion is back. I won't contact her but I am struggling to not do so.
AllTooWell Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I feel you! In a way, if nothing happens, this meeting will be a huge step back for you, but also a huge slap of 'closure'. Stay strong. She's the one who left you. Leave your damned phone at home or at a friends for the next day or two.
Author jncapital1 Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 The day after we met she sent me a text in the late afternoon asking me if I had looked up a quote she had said on our date. We traded texts for about an hour. So do I keep playing it cool or tell her how I feel soon? My idea is to give her a few days and see if she reaches out and if I don't hear from her, send her something casual. Thoughts?
Ashlaria Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Again with the flipping game playing? Really? What do you think is going through her mind? She made the effort to contact you, you met up, acted cool, pecked her on the cheek and left. Do you think she is going to be encouraged by that? Is that a sign you want her back??? She broke up with you, appears to have reconsidered and is testing the water. If you want her back you need to TELL HER. If I were her, I'd think I'd really blown it and I would give up. As you have clearly stated you want her back I'm guessing that's not part of your plan. Man up - go and see her and ask her if she wants to try again. Talk about the issues from the first time and see if she still feels that way, it might be she needs counselling. Why do people make things so damned complicated? If you lose her because you thought it would be better to play head games I imagine it will be very hard to recover. Good luck 1
Neto Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I've always been very straight forward and hated playing head games. But I realize that most people do not work that way. The psychology involved in attachment and romance doesn't fit with being blunt and straightforward. Timing is crucial. Being blunt with your ex is equivalent to saying "Ok, if you want me you got me" and that usually doesn't work. The ex has to want it enough to put in work for it, and when she does, and gets guy back, there's more appreciation on her end. I don't know what you mean by playing it "cool". I think you are at a point that you should start playing it forward and uping the flirtyness and charm. If she responds to that then take it from there. Don't give yourself to her for free, but don't be completely platonic either. 1
along60years Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Do you want what you had back or do you want to start fresh? If you want the former tell her how you feel and ask her if she'd like to try again. If you still care for her and want to start over, ask her on a date, or you can just wait... forever even, if you really want to. 1
Author jncapital1 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 As always such great but conflicting advice I am deciding between manning up and telling her I want a second chance for us and being a bit more patient to see if she contacts me a few more times. She is sort of giving me mixed signals. I don't know why she would contact me after 7 weeks of silence: testing the waters or missing my friendship? We had a nice chat on facebook last night very late because we both couldn't sleep. It was just a normal chat but I don't want to fall into the friend zone. She is visiting family this weekend. My thought is to see if she contacts me at all over the weekend and if she doesn't, maybe ask her to meet for a drink next week? I love the advice. I am being too indecisive right now and need to pick a course of action.
Author jncapital1 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 I decided to call her today and "man up". I asked her if she was trying to be my friend or if she wanted to maybe go on a few dates. She said she wanted to go on a few dates We're going to take it slow and I'm going to be very careful this time that we communicate a little better and have fun. Thanks all for your advise. It was invaluable. 2
Author jncapital1 Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Please read my other threads for the background on me. Briefly dated a wonderful woman, we both thought it had great potential, head over heals immediately but after three months of dating she pulled away. I went no contact and she asked to see me last week. We did and it went well, almost like a date, lots of chemistry. I asked her on Friday if her intention was to be friends or what she wanted. She said she wanted to date but take it slow. How do we do that? I don't mind taking it slower then we did but I don't know if I would want her to date others during this new phase or what if any rules we should have to avoid stress. and thoughts?
Author jncapital1 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 So an update. My ex and I went out on two dates, which went very well and then decided to go away for a night to a concert. We had a great time on the train, communicated great and the concert was awesome. I felt we really connected again. Unfortunately we had been drinking for along time and after the concert we went to a bar where she proceeded to say something that brought to the surface some frustration that had been repressed since our break up. I called her out on some of her behavior towards me, she got very upset, we left the bar, went to sleep with no intimacy and had a long train ride home. I apologized for my behavior the next day and she accepted. I called her last night to discuss "us" and asked if what we had originally was as special as I felt it was and if she wanted to keep going. She said it probably wasn't as special for her as it was for me and that she could never love me. I said why did you come back and want to try again, and what changed. She basically said that the things I said after the concert and spending time with me made her come to the conclusion she didn't to continue to see me. The problem I have is each of our three dates this time and the concert were all wonderful and she either told me that after each time or I could tell. So given all of this, is this relationship completely doomed or is she just mad about what I said while drunk? I plan to just move on but wonder if she'll reconsider?
happydate Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) So an update. My ex and I went out on two dates, which went very well and then decided to go away for a night to a concert. We had a great time on the train, communicated great and the concert was awesome. I felt we really connected again. Unfortunately we had been drinking for along time and after the concert we went to a bar where she proceeded to say something that brought to the surface some frustration that had been repressed since our break up. I called her out on some of her behavior towards me, she got very upset, we left the bar, went to sleep with no intimacy and had a long train ride home. I apologized for my behavior the next day and she accepted. I called her last night to discuss "us" and asked if what we had originally was as special as I felt it was and if she wanted to keep going. She said it probably wasn't as special for her as it was for me and that she could never love me. I said why did you come back and want to try again, and what changed. She basically said that the things I said after the concert and spending time with me made her come to the conclusion she didn't to continue to see me. The problem I have is each of our three dates this time and the concert were all wonderful and she either told me that after each time or I could tell. So given all of this, is this relationship completely doomed or is she just mad about what I said while drunk? I plan to just move on but wonder if she'll reconsider? Perhaps you need to work on this -- Actions speak LOUDER than words in all relationships. Couples go through a honeymoon phase where the lust and sex blinded both sides of the reality that is about to set; that is the attitude and behaviour of each person that sets them apart. She's a controlling and manipulative girl who sees you as prey and thought like her other guys that you can easily be controlled. 3 months is a LONG time to put up with her fake persona and the aberrations both of you experience is going to be too much for her. Meaning that when she felt you're not the man she can easily control and dominate, she leaves. Then of course, she had second thoughts cause something about you that draws her to you. You guys met up again and of course things get going again, but in her mind, she needs to validate if you are really and truly easily controllable and manipulated like a puppet. Fortunately enough, you stood up to her poor behaviour but then you apologized to her later on (bad bad move that shows you are weak and a nice guy) and that's the final straw she needed to kick you out. If you were to act like a real jerk, you would have bought some more time with her and she would have stayed with you until you cave in if that's what you want. But expect a barrage of bad manipulative behaviour coming from her due to her repressed emotions (hot/cold, emotional outbursts etc..) and if you really like the sex, then I don't see why any one should stop being a jerk. These girls react well with nice jerks. You're not so you're out. Now the question is. Why are you attracting these type of girls?!? Is this a regular occurrence or a one-off situation? If this is a regular thing going, then I would look at yourself and see what makes you attract them. When they are controlling and manipulative in nature, you yourself will have some of that inside you and you may have repressed some emotions that's biting inside of you. Good confident women that NO repressed emotions do not manipulate and dominate men with head and mind games and run away when things get serious! Edited August 5, 2013 by happydate
Author jncapital1 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Good input. I don't think I'm necessarily attracted to "these" woman although when I met her while I appeared confident on the surface I was struggling professionally and financially so after awhile that came through a bit in lack of confidence. She definitely likes a strong guy who won't take her BS. I am in a better place now and regaining confidence, which she saw in the coming weeks but I think she definitely did not like the things I said to her last week while we were both drunk. I agree with you. She looks so amazing on the surface but then when she lets you in you find out she's still mourning the loss of her husband, and that manifests itself in many ways. She can be volatile although that only showed to me two or three times. I built up this huge fantasy where we were special, that I was special (which she told me many times) and that we would build something together. Last night she said it was like medium special and that she never loved me and never would. True or trying to hurt me for last week?
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