Co-worker is being nice

[FitChick]

Ask him why he hasn't married his girlfriend after ten years.

[Shaun-Dro]

Okay, this time I'm on my guard like 200 %

I had a thing with a co-worker a year ago, and I had a very hard time getting over him. I'm not repeating that again !

 

So here's the story. A new colleague arrived from another department into my cubicle. We sit right in front of each other. We even went to the same college and graduated in the same year. But we never bumped into each other.

Soon, we exchanged college stories, which soon lead to other stuff like hobbies, interests, etc ... Too much in a short time if you tell me. It was like 'click!'

 

Hummm, then he tells me about his gf, they have been together for years, they are building a house, blabla.

Nice (So he's taken, I should back away a bit, let's say, back away completely).

 

Now, here's the thing, he keeps asking me stuff. How my weekends were, what books i like to read. Sending me links, wanting to talk more.

 

I'm not amused by this anymore. I know he's being coworker friendly. But I know where this is heading. And I don't want it.

 

Today, he commented about how glad he was to be back at work after the long weekend and how he's surrounded by a beauty. ()

Then he tried teasing me to gauge my reaction.

I'm not reacting anymore.

 

How do I back away from him, without him noticing ?

 

 

 

Keep doing what you're doing: acting unresponsive. He'll get the hint.

[Kamila]

It's hard always being unresponsive. I'm not made of stone and sitting all day during 8 hours and added to that a stressy project where everyone is on the edge...

Today was the hardest day, because another coworker sat next to him due to my boss working from home. I thought 'oh no, this will explode...'

 

Crap, there were 2 horny men in front of me and I had to dodge all the bullets and act 'shocked' at what they were saying. They even told me they were holding back because I'm a woman. Err right... They talked about well yeah sex and other stuff. My female coworker came behind me and asked me why i was shocked. And how they were men and it's normal they're behaving like that. Which i totally disagreed upon.

 

Anyway, the coworker whom i have a massive crush on (voilà, i've said it !) is a total pig and is in a long-term relationship.

And why he hasn't married his gf of ten years, i don't know.

Why he's being a total ass, i don't know.

Why he's being like he is, i don't know.

But it's getting under my skin.

 

Well, he told me why he isn't marrying, it's because he doesn't want to follow the 'trend'. Or whatever that means ...

Tomorrow is our last day, we'll only see each other next year. I hope all this thing will have disappeared by then ...

[OnlyHonesty]

If he has been with his gf for 10 years and is acting like this then it is highly likely he is simply bored with the relationship, perhaps he has the 'grass is greener' syndrome or is finding you much needed excitement. It is likely they have got into a routine that lacks mystery and spontaneity. I could be wrong but that is pretty common after just 2 years let alone 10.

 

Regardless of whether you find him attractive or not, he has clearly exhibited disloyal behaviour. I am sure this is part of why you are keeping a distance and if he can act like this with that gf, he could easily act that way with another.

 

I have had similar issues at work before and I just kept on reminding the woman that she had a boyfriend, she had also been with the guy for a long time, I think about 7 years and was clearly bored.

[Kamila]

He is indeed being very disloyal to his current gf. He's flirting with every woman and even checking them out. It's making me feel uneasy. Bored or not, his energy is filling in the air.

 

Today, I told him that he was being irrespectful towards me when he makes sexual innuendos. I thought I almost unleashed world war III...

His colleagues then defended him by saying most men are being like that, even a female coworker was agreeing with them.

 

I felt really alone at that time. But after an hour both men changed their attitude and tune towards me. They were acting more professional and polite. Well, my coworker was a bit irritated and tried to ask me more personal questions about hobbys, movies... I asked him if he was still hurt by the fact I called him 'irrespectful'. He just looked down.

 

He just said he wanted to know me a bit better and how I was a more difficult woman than average. It was awkward.

Then, our colleague said we were having a difficult blind date (as a joke).

And again his look on me. Gah. He's so good looking. But I've made my point, he's taken, so i'm not engaging with personal stuff and so on with him. It's finished.

Edited December 12, 2013 by Kamila
ok

[Kamila]

Wow, so much reads, I'll continue an update for you guys..

 

So, we left off when the 2 hottest coworkers (my male coworker, and my guest coworker who comes from time to time and who has the most beautiful light green eyes i have ever seen, but don't tell him that...) of my floor gave me a hard time. It was a very awkward, yet a learnful experience in retrospect. Btw my coworker is your average surfer guy with middle blond hair and a sexy demeanor

I learnt a lot about guys' behavior and how a guy's behavior towards a woman can change once he's in the company of another guy. Shocking ..

 

I blame it on immaturity, built-up tension, guys social codes of conduct in a pack (meaning, trying to play it 'cool'). Now to think of it, my male coworker was flirtly, yet polite. But the minute the walls of our cubicle went down and other coworkers were exposed to us and we to them. His behavior changed.

And it was heightened when our guest coworker nonchalantly came sitting next to him.

 

They needed two men to handle me. How insecure were they ? Am i really that difficult to be around, or aren't I too easy to fall for them stupid sexual innuendos ? I know my resistance went up due to my last year's encounter with another coworker. But come on, when a woman tells them enough is enough (cos i have lots of work piled up and i don't have time to give them attention). And i remember my soft disagreeing look from my boss when my coworker lured me with his videos. I understand Ma'am !

 

The sexual innuendos towards me (well not directly) were too much. But especially when they said 'eh, you shouldn't hear this !, please don't listen to our rants...' I couldn't but just keep my guard up. And my female coworker 'come on, they are guys, you know how they're like !' But it wasn't just the comments, it was just the constant being on my guard for whatever bs they would throw. Another coworker said to me, why aren't you saying anything (something about me being a secretary, whatever...).

 

At one moment, let's say the most awkward of them, I was glad the office's desks separated myself from those 2 men. Who knows what those men could do... Our guest coworker jokinly said to us, to break the ice so to say, we're having a 'difficult blind date'. But we weren't joking, it was like a contest where both of us wanted to 'win'. He said i was being 'difficult'. (Now come on, how is that being difficult ? )

 

I answered shortly to his continuing questions. He mocked some of my answers, almost with utter disdain. He made it appear he didn't remember where i lived. He was almost disgusted by me... It was stopped when he saw i didn't want to answer anymore. He said why aren't you answering ? (Were at work eh people...i thought)

 

" Is it cos of national security or what ? " he laughed enough for my other coworkers a bit far away to hear. My female coworker intervened, but this time on my behalf, and she asked my coworker to stop...

 

My guest coworker suddenly switched over to work and tried to motivate me again into. I was a bit light headed and processing what has happened, but he kept trying to keep me going and before i know, i was standing by his side making calculations or whatever. My other coworker was just typing and saying nothing, i told him no hard feelings whatever, but he was still aloof. (why did i apologize ?) My boss called him and he said some coworkers are still here, like my female coworker and he paused and said 'she's also here' while looking at me strangely...

 

The day after, my guest coworker was also there, but he sat at the other side of the room. My project manager sat next to me like always. He was away for some days. I was comforted by his presence in a way. My guest coworker came to me and asked me some work questions while holding eye contact. I just tried to ignore him, but he went his way like if i left my mug in the kitchen or whatever. Did he feel guilty or so ? Well, his attitude didn't change much, cos he went on a bit with the flirty attitude, but more soft and reserved.

 

Now to think of it, I'm also feeling gutted and a bit betrayed by the lack of respect of my coworker. And when i said it and he didn't acknowledge it, it left me misunderstood, and yes a bit hurt. Because it's been a while since we haven't seen each other, and i don't understand that the guy that sat right in front of me during months during 10 hours every day could just turn into an alpha jerk in an instant. Gutted.

 

The next days i moved into my new space and desk. My boss showed me an email that my coworker sent her and another female coworker (the one that defended me), he wished them good holidays and he showed them a video of the snow and a picture of him. Yeah, i didn't receive anything. Shows how much he thinks of me eh.

[Chad1975]

Hi Kamilia,

 

Your story is certainly gripping, and has provided me a perspective on the other side.

 

I am on the other side of the coin, I am an un-available man, but slowly but surely finding myself drawn to my direct report at work to the point that I find myself trying to get her attention... On the flip side, I know this is wrong, and fighting very hard to keep it "professional". But, I always relapse, and find myself trying to get her attention all over again...

 

I ask myself, are you so smitten that you cannot keep yourself away despite being happily married and having 2 wonderful kids?!?!?!! =(

 

I guess that is why I am in this message board, to exorcise my demons and to keep on the straight and narrow.

 

My observation is despite all of your protestations / rejections of him, you still have a crush on this guy! If you were truly indifferent, you would not even be here and just not care about any of his attempts to get your attention... I guess thats the point, you are bothered because you like him...

[FitChick]

My observation is despite all of your protestations / rejections of him, you still have a crush on this guy! If you were truly indifferent, you would not even be here and just not care about any of his attempts to get your attention... I guess thats the point, you are bothered because you like him...

 

I agree. I think the OP needs to look for another job or find another man to date outside of work. Perhaps the coworkers heard about her from another coworker, which is why you shouldn't date coworkers if you don't want to be the victim of gossip!

 

Chad you need to take at least half the responsibility for your stale marriage. Look for ways to spice things up or go on one of those weekends away which is like group therapy for married people, where you meet other marrieds with the same problems so you don't feel so alone. Can't remember what it's called unfortunately. At the very least read one of the Mars/Venus series of books.

Edited December 27, 2013 by FitChick

[Kamila]

It's done. We're not sitting in front of each other since we've moved.

We barely talk. Only about work and other stuff.

The other day, he went to the restaurant at noon with some colleagues.

I wasn't even invited. A colleague of mine tried to squeeze me in, but i told her not to bother.

[Secret Advisor]

You are in love with him.

[Kamila]

Maybe a bit yes

 

Anyway, today he started talking to me, about how his weekend was. Then a recipe he tried out at home. The conversation felt like before. It's funny how relationships evolve. Back and forth...