Vikki_26 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Well its almost a year on he dumped me. CORRECTION set me free but with a hold somehow I'm keeping!?! over me. (29th July 2013) I met a lovely man in December last year, local to me. But I still think of David everyday and i feel guilty of this. David contacted me a few times in December, January, February and April. Updating me on his dog that was fighting cancer. Oddly everytime he did contact it was when he recently became single. So I can only thing a user and seeing if I was interested which im not. But and this is why im back on here. I have for i cant remember how long still looking at his profile pictures at each new girlfriend he has. And I want to stop this addiction to seeing what his up to. Why should i care? Does this mean I still love him? Is it possible to ever move on and stop this? Im thinking of seeking therapy again as I have gained two stone since all this. And think its holding me back. Its no reflection on my current bf i dont think as his kind, caring, loving. His not as spontaneous and exciting as David though and thats what I miss I think. But we dont have bust ups ever five mins like me and my ex had. So mean, harsh words im waiting for them as i just want to be set free from this.
JDPT Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 It's been almost a year and you still have not initiated NC. I'm thinking this is were your problem exists. He let you go for a reason and although I understand he will like to updated you on certain current events the break up was made final one year ago. NC is just one of the many steps you need to take in order for you to move on from this past relationship. Make the commitment to stop snooping around online, delete everything and anything you may have of him, don't access it stop yourself, when you have the urge to snoop around online just walk away from it. It's extremely difficult I know lately I've been finding myself snooping around online and every single time ends up the exact same way I end up feeling like CRAP. So, keep in mind that we are our worst critics and we hinder our chances at recovery, remain calm and above all remain in control. 2
Author Vikki_26 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 (edited) Thank you for your reply. Maybe this is where i am going wrong I never really thought it was. Its hard but i will try. Its my nosiness more than anything! Plus i have compared myself to each girlfriend his had. (4 since me) One was pretty rest not so lol I dont think i will hear from him again now as his dog sadly passed away and that was his excuse to contact me. When I was at a local race circuit last month he ignored mysef and partner when we got out the car (so annoying we were told to park in a place and it ended up being next to his car) but then later in the day he came over whilst we were parked in the car and said hello and chatted. He as shaking and nervous. I didnt feel any love towards him, i oddly felt sorry for him as he was so nervous and neednt not be. So within myself I think ive established I dont think i love him but miss the times we had and miss how i felt at the good times. So why cant i just let go now? and be free and him not come in my head every day! its driving me mad! Edited July 15, 2013 by Vikki_26
youngnlove89 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Vikki!!! I remember you and I always wondered how you were doing. Sad to see, not so well. I'm sorry this is still lurking in your life First thing is first, you have to let go of this new boyfriend. It's so unfair to him and you! Both of you deserve better. He deserves someone who is 100% there and you deserve to be 100% over David. I'm still going through my thing with my boyfriend too. Crazy huh? It all takes time. You can PM whenever you want, we can help each other through this. 2
JDPT Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 You reciprocate to his messages because it's comforting it keeps you linked to him the same applies for looking him up online, it gives you both that comfort and pain when you keep in touch. Know that you don't need to be in pain any further and it's unfortunate that he goes through issues in life but honestly you are should be indifferent to them. I was the dumpee roughly 2 months ago coming out of a 5 year relationship, there are a million times a day when I just want to drive by her job, or her house, or look her up online, now I haven't been doing such a great job at looking her up online but I intend to stop it once and for all as it's only detrimental to my recovery. It's an everyday struggle and simply get ready for it, I say get ready for it because once you make the commitment to go full blown NC, you will become a bit unease as you no longer have that "drug" every now and then that you were so used to and made you feel good but empty inside, now you need to fend for yourself and find healthier and wiser choices to make. 2
Author Vikki_26 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 (edited) Youve made me go all hot ready what you wrote. I love my current bf to bits his so lovely. Kind, funny, worships the ground i walk on. Were going on hokiday in september. Family love him. It would break my heart I love him too much. Sorry for soppyness. Its just a curse the thoughts. Its more like a weird habit, routine? I was just trying to find you online too how have you been? I think its more of I wanted sometimes to know for certain he wanted me back its that rejection that maybe i cant deal with? I dunno i just dont get this whole weird thing going on. I know one million percent if he said i want you back vikki i wouldnt never ever go back with him. I just miss how i felt at those happy times and his family and thats what i think about alot. Edited July 15, 2013 by Vikki_26
youngnlove89 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Youve made me go all hot ready what you wrote. I love my current bf to bits his so lovely. Kind, funny, worships the ground i walk on. Were going on hokiday in september. Family love him. It would break my heart I love him too much. Sorry for soppyness. Its just a curse the thoughts. Its more like a weird habit, routine? I was just trying to find you online too how have you been? I think its more of I wanted sometimes to know for certain he wanted me back its that rejection that maybe i cant deal with? I dunno i just dont get this whole weird thing going on. I know one million percent if he said i want you back vikki i wouldnt never ever go back with him. I just miss how i felt at those happy times and his family and thats what i think about alot. Aww I'm sorry. I didn't meant to upset you. I just feel like it's unfair if you still have an open wound from David. Does your bf now about David? I think what would be best, albeit hard, is to cut David off. Let him know you have a boyfriend now and you have moved on (even if you really haven't). You need to drop David so you can move on and be entirely happy with your new bf. David is holding back your current relationship. You have to let go of David and his family. You have too. This is kind of what I'm going through with my boyfriend. He is in contact with an ex of his. It hurts me. Why does she need to be in his life still when he has me? He should move on. I'm the woman in his life, he doesn't need an ex gf there. I don't mind girl friends with no past, but I don't like ex gfs. I'm sure your boyfriend would feel the same.
Author Vikki_26 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Aww I'm sorry. I didn't meant to upset you. I just feel like it's unfair if you still have an open wound from David. Does your bf now about David? I think what would be best, albeit hard, is to cut David off. Let him know you have a boyfriend now and you have moved on (even if you really haven't). You need to drop David so you can move on and be entirely happy with your new bf. David is holding back your current relationship. You have to let go of David and his family. You have too. This is kind of what I'm going through with my boyfriend. He is in contact with an ex of his. It hurts me. Why does she need to be in his life still when he has me? He should move on. I'm the woman in his life, he doesn't need an ex gf there. I don't mind girl friends with no past, but I don't like ex gfs. I'm sure your boyfriend would feel the same. No you didnt upset me Its nice to hear from you again. I thought about you too. Are you still going out with your ex then of last year? Yeah he does but not that i think about him so often! I dont speak to David i never email him. I even changed my number as he kept texting me in January asking how I was! And it drove me mad! He phoned me the the first night I slept with my current boyfriend it was as if he knew? He was in tears about how someone had been horrid to him. Anyway ive never contacted him. Its been him to me and i think as i say its over with out. My main issue is not thinking about him which i cant seem to control? Its just about holidays really we had. I suppose if i stop keep snooping like already said on here that will help and which is what im going to do from now on.
youngnlove89 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Hey, Vikki, DO NOT think of a white polar bear right now. Try really hard not to think of the soft cuddly white polar bear... What are you thinking of? Most likely the white polar bear, right? Same thing goes for David. You can't just force yourself to stop thinking about him. You have to redirect your thoughts. It just happens. Every time you think of David, think of your boyfriend instead. I don't understand how someone can find a way to contact you when you have done everything you can do to block him, or have you?
Author Vikki_26 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 He blocked me on fb and then unblocked me. Its stayed like that ever since. But he doesnt contact me via that he does it via email. Yeah I thought ot the polar bear lol. Oh my bf Andy is million times the man David will ever be. He always sends me lovely sweet messages, takes me out. We have had a couple of lovers tiffs but thats it and nothing major in time together. His a man and david was a little boy. I could go on and on yet I still dont get this noseyness I have to look him up. But thats going to stop now. im not going to do it anymore. Or i will be doing it to im 90! Now is it normal to think about fond times? I mean i really miss those times. Mostly holidays with his family. I swear if he died it would have been a whole lot easier!!
youngnlove89 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 He blocked me on fb and then unblocked me. Its stayed like that ever since. But he doesnt contact me via that he does it via email. Yeah I thought ot the polar bear lol. Oh my bf Andy is million times the man David will ever be. He always sends me lovely sweet messages, takes me out. We have had a couple of lovers tiffs but thats it and nothing major in time together. His a man and david was a little boy. I could go on and on yet I still dont get this noseyness I have to look him up. But thats going to stop now. im not going to do it anymore. Or i will be doing it to im 90! Now is it normal to think about fond times? I mean i really miss those times. Mostly holidays with his family. I swear if he died it would have been a whole lot easier!! No don't say that! Death is a horrible thing. There is a reason why you are thinking this way. Why? Why David? It isn't his family. Something about David... Dig deep...What is it?
aloneinaz Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I think you've simply created a habit of thinking about him everyday and you're not sure what to think about if you lost him in your thoughts. You HAVE to disappear from his life. Block him on Facebook, stay away from places you could run into him if possible, etc.. Talking to him off/on is only keeping him in your thoughts. If you go NC for a couple of months or more, he'll fade from you memory. I've been NC since my ex ended our toxic relationship. It's been over 6 weeks and she seems like a stranger to me now. Do I still think about her, of course but I only try to figure out why she was so emotionally un-stable and wonder why I had to run into her vs. a healthy woman.. 2
Author Vikki_26 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I really don't know I wish I knew. I think it helped that he had the brand new cars, loads of money that his family had to him. And idolised the guy as if he was a celeb. It wasnt love I'm some ways. More of what he could offer me. Nice cars, flash holidays. I guess I'm jealous of this? And don't see how he treated me so bad how he can just pick up another girl so easily and move on to his next victim. Hmm I don't know. I miss and admire his carefree adventurous attitude. Those immense happy feelings and excitement I don't get anymore. But that could be to maybe due to my zero confidence as I'm now carrying too much weight I wish I could have my mind erased.
ggas Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Well I tried to read through some of your posts on the issue and as far as I see it, it really is some sort of obsession that fluctuates from some kind of deep insecurity combined most likely with other **** in your life: friends trouble, family issues and so on and so forth. If I were you, I would think upon/do the following. First of all, you had one year of reflection about you and him. So by now you have at least discovered all the questions that you wanted an answer to. I guess most of them are hiding the big one which is "Why wasn't I good enough?". Well this is a retarded question because you were AT LEAST good enough to be with him in a relationship. For whatever reasons he dumped you it is likely that he thinks he can get a better deal somewhere else. This is that whole GIGS thread right? BUT SO CAN YOU! The fact that you think you can't is purely irrational. If he had multiple gfs after you somehow none of them were good enough right? and if he had only one and has a nice relationship with her that s only because he went out there and looked for someone he is better suited with. You should do the same too!!!! Build some self-esteem. Get drunk a few times. Go sleep with a bunch of different dudes. If nothing works, you should consider that you might suffer from depression as in the clinical disease in which case you should fix that with proper professional treatment. Most important thing is to do things that make you happy. Put on that sluty dress that you never got yourself to wear so far. Go to the solarium and get that tan that you've seen looking good on other girls. Go hiking. Travel. Just do whatever makes you happy. About the FB thing. I recently got on my exs FB and I swore I will never do it again. Even when you're OK with the whole thing, seeing EXs with someone else is a BIG trigger. That goes for the dumper also that's why I said go have some fun. There's nothing wrong in that as long as you are protected. It builds self-esteem. 1
forgetmenot75 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Look Vicky, you seem like a very cute woman. If a year has passed and you still can't let go it's because you're not doing the No contact thing correctly. Looking at his pictures is a no no! Stop naming it "David", you should delete his name from your mind! Just call him some mean name, so you'll remember his bad qualities. so you know, "David" doesn't care about you and only contacts you to share the news of his dying dog. He contacts others to have fun with, to sleep with, to kiss... You're a mere ghost, so stop losing time, one year is long time enough.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Yeah, you cut corners on your NC and that's why you are stuck. You should block him from Facebook, cut off his news feed, do anything but click on his page or his pictures. Gotta stop being lazy. 1
J_L_C Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Look Vicky, you seem like a very cute woman. If a year has passed and you still can't let go it's because you're not doing the No contact thing correctly. Looking at his pictures is a no no! Stop naming it "David", you should delete his name from your mind! Just call him some mean name, so you'll remember his bad qualities. so you know, "David" doesn't care about you and only contacts you to share the news of his dying dog. He contacts others to have fun with, to sleep with, to kiss... You're a mere ghost, so stop losing time, one year is long time enough. You are so right. Just like the OP, I have been stuck on my ex for a year now. Just like you OP, doomsday is coming---the anniversary of the breakup. May e that's why it's so hard for you too. Too bad we don't live in the same place so we could meet up for a bitch rest! If you wanna message me feel free. We seem to be similar here. 1
J_L_C Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 And another thing. I'm going for a very serious medical procedure this month and I thought that after a period of NC I could ask him to meet me. I explained what I'm going through only briefly, but he didnt care. Makes me really wonder if it ever was real. If he doesn't care about a life or death matter he clearly never cared about me at all.
JDPT Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 You are so right. Just like the OP, I have been stuck on my ex for a year now. Just like you OP, doomsday is coming---the anniversary of the breakup. May e that's why it's so hard for you too. Too bad we don't live in the same place so we could meet up for a bitch rest! If you wanna message me feel free. We seem to be similar here. Does dates don't mean ****. Christmas is good to remember and celebrate, so is Thanksgiving but not the "anniversary" of when you got dumped, it makes absolutely no sense, get it out of your mind and stop giving those dates so much importance. Start cleaning house.
J_L_C Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I'm definitely not 'celebrating' it. It's just that it's coming up and I don't like it.
JDPT Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I'm definitely not 'celebrating' it. It's just that it's coming up and I don't like it. Once you stop dwelling on it you won't feel it. My ex's birthday wasn't too long ago and you know what I did that day? I went about my business and if I'm not mistaken I thought vaguely about her once that day, and that's all it was a mere thought. Be strong and as I always say in control about your life, make wiser and healthier decisions for yourself only. There are certain times in life when you have to do what's best for you and you only and this is one of them. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I'm definitely not 'celebrating' it. It's just that it's coming up and I don't like it. It's just another day. The sooner you realize this the better. I don't even remember the date my ex and I broke up (it was sometime this month, but no clue to the actual day), but the fact that you are placing such a milestone on it just another show of your stagnation on the topic.
Author Vikki_26 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Just about to leave for work so a very short reply to say thanks for your replys. Its comforting to know im not alone in this. I feel quite positive about this now. I got some things to take away and act on now. Like stopping looking at his fb profile picture and anything else online i see and when he comes in to my head think of my current bf. I really want to knock it all on the head and stop the stupid daily routine of looking to see the latest mugshot of himself and his latest gf whom has a child of 7! Its things like that which made me a little annoyed as he went on about wanting to get back his younger years and needed a young gf and then he goes with someone much older with children. Well I pity her in a way and hope his OCD and his self harming ways doesnt transfer to her little girl. Thats all I hope. Anyway? look im talking about it again! I shant no more! That ex has had too much of a hold on me last few years and his not no more!
lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I keep reading about people who haven't gone no contact, and still being hung up. It completely validates the value of NC that everyone speaks about. I think that people need a refresher on NC- maybe a pinned post?? Explaining the principles and why they worked. Or is it somewhere on this site and I have missed it? I am not sure exactly how it works, but for me it means zero talking about them, zero asking about them, no looking at anything about them on social media, and no contact with anyone that has anything to do with them (if possible). And of course not contacting them, and making it so they are unable to contact you. It is about cutting someone out of your life. If anything above is done, then yeah- expect the thought of them to haunt you, because you are feeding it. It surprises me none that people are still hung up when they haven't had the chance to move on. Ignoring their calls, but stalking their facebook on a weekly basis would be enough to keep it going. 2
Author Vikki_26 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Yeah I realise now this is the issue I think. I always made excuses though, ah no one knows im doing it so what the harm? Oh ill look now but wont tomorrow, oh it sometimes makes me feel better to see the ugly looser etc etc but it doesnt does it? Like you say it just feed the obsession even more. I feel quite liberated already that ive made that step in never looking ever again at what his up to or asking. I have to for my own mental health. 2
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