How do you deal with the thoughts of intimate moments with your ex

[JDPT]

Just coming out of a 5 year relationship with roughly 2 months NC. I can honestly say that I've had the best sex with my ex-girlfriend thus far compared to previous relationships and casual encounters. I'm not certain if intimate moments with her were amplified due to the fact that I loved her or they were just damn good moments. I was the one who essentially did "all the work" and I liked it that way, she wasn't too experienced but opened to my suggestions all the time. Now what kills me at times is mentally picturing her having intimate moments with other men, her giving them pleasure the way she used to with me. These detail thoughts are very bothersome. How do you guys deal with those thoughts?

[mahon451]

1. Buy a punching bag, and whenever those thoughts come around, go beat the hell out of it, until you can't lift your arms anymore. If it helps, tape a picture of the guy your ex is now with to the bag.

 

2. If you're into guns, go fire a few off at the range, or if you have access to a large property (even better), go shoot some bottles or cans.

 

3. Go pleasure some other girls.

[aloneinaz]

You'll find if you start meeting new women and having sex with them that your ex "wasn't all that" in bed. You still care about her which is why the thought of her having sex with someone else is bothering you. Those thoughts will fade as time passes. Remember, most of our ex's got pounded by others before us as well. I actually think you should desensitize yourself to the idea. Keep thinking about it and it wont bother you as much. You really shouldn't care about this anymore due to the relationship being over.

 

I'm 6 weeks NC since the end. We had good sex but I've slept with 5 women since her and 3 of the five were much better in bed than her. 4-5 had much better bodies than her and one's body is smoking hot. The only thing my ex did Really well was oral.. I'm clearly going to have to train my next significant other her tricks of the trade.

[forgetmenot75]

Aloneinaz...please!!! Haha you are making me feel so bad about myself! 5 women in 6 weeks??? I need, I mean it, I really need to see a pic of you.

[flitzanu]

you can't avoid it. i was plagued for weeks and months about my ex banging her new guy in her bed.

 

you should watch "High Fidelity". one of the summarized lines was basically, no one else in the world was having sex as great as his ex gf was inside his head.

[Echo000]

can relate..i also did like all the work but the sex was still amazing. Its because of that love, i believe. when you are in love with someone and having sex with them, its always (in my opinion) an amazing experience.

 

Other advise here is right- just give it time. And realize that just as you can stress about her, she can (and may) stress about the same thing with you. I have OCD and these unwanted thoughts can replay over and over at times, but i have reached a bigger picture point. I am more angry with how she treated me and sad about us being over for good than something petty like her having sex with another guy.

 

Truth is like az said: most of our exes had sex before us, and they will all have sex with other people in the future. Just as we will. All that is rather unpleasant, but quite okay too. Thats life. Its inevitable. Try and breathe, and be accepting. Let the thoughts come and go. Keep busy, and do therapeutic things when these thoughts get to be too much. Go for a run. Hit a punching bag. Work out.

 

Over time, you wont care as much. You will slowly, over time, feel the same thing you would feel if another random girl had sex with some random guy: nothing. She will become a stranger over time, you will move on. And what she is doing or not doing wont matter one bit to you.

[JDPT]

You guys make very good points. However, This is what currently concerns me, since the breakup roughly a little over two months ago or so I've been with two women. The first woman, I went through my routine she had a great time in bed but I on the other hand at times was not interested in her at all. As we were having sex I kept telling myself, "my ex was more flexible than this woman is", "my ex gave much better oral sex than she does" and I just simply didn't have that animal instinct I had when I was in bed with my ex. Sex with the second woman went pretty much the same. I went from having sex everywhere and anywhere, I mean we were like two teenagers having sex anywhere we wanted to, it was ridiculous, at times I used to think, are other grown couples having crazy sex anywhere they want to like we are? So that's what bothers me, me thinking she doing the same with someone else, she giving oral to some guy in a parking lot, or finding the nearest hotel to have rough sex and it goes on and on. Another thing that was great about her is that she never turned me down or refused to have sex with me, I mean never she was ready whenever I wanted it, as opposed to previous girlfriends when I had to do certain things in order to get some, not with my ex, she would give it to me whenever/wherever I wanted it. Even when we weren't in great terms she would give it to me. As far as I'm concern she isn't with anyone neither do I care to find out if she is but I know eventually she will or already is as she is a 10 and clearly gets hit on often if not on a daily basis. I like the punching bag idea, it was actually suggested to me yesterday but a qualified professional and sounds like a great idea.

Edited July 15, 2013 by JDPT

[JDPT]

I disagree with this. I was sleeping with a girl right after my break-up, and it pretty much intensified my horrible feelings. All I could think about after banging the girl was my ex/comparing with my ex. I felt disgusting, especially when the girl I was sleeping with was taking it a little more serious than just sex.

 

I'm glad she stopped calling me, cause she already knew what was up. I just had to get over, without trying numb it by sleeping with others.

 

Glad it worked for you tho.

 

I felt exactly like you do. I also felt and will use the same word, disgusting. It felt meaningless and took long showers afterwards. I've never in my life had this happen to me, when I was single before my ex I used to sleep around no problem, pick girls up take them to my apartment pound them like crazy and they would be on their way the following morning. And it was all routine, but now things are so different. I said to myself, I'm going to sleep around and see if this speeds up my healing process and it appears to be doing the total opposite to me. I really have no clue what the f@ck is going on with me?

[aloneinaz]

I disagree with this. I was sleeping with a girl right after my break-up, and it pretty much intensified my horrible feelings. All I could think about after banging the girl was my ex/comparing with my ex. I felt disgusting, especially when the girl I was sleeping with was taking it a little more serious than just sex.

 

I'm glad she stopped calling me, cause she already knew what was up. I just had to get over, without trying numb it by sleeping with others.

 

Glad it worked for you tho.

 

I'm not proposing that casual sex is a cure-all to get over your ex. I can tell you with 100% clarity that I didn't think about my ex at all while having sex with any of them. It helped me realize to not put her on some sex pedestal that she didn't deserve to be on. My ex was great at head but didn't do some things that I liked while I did ANYTHING for her.

 

I don't think dating or having sex is an attempt to NUMB or hide from the break up pain. Trust me, I had two pretty terrible weeks until I said enough of this. I LOVED my ex as well but when she repeatedly broke up with me over her emotional issues, you have to draw a line in the sand and say FU, I'm moving on. I simply refuse to sit at home for days/weeks/months and moon over a woman who didn't want me in her life anymore. F-that.. Dating and having women like me and want to sleep with me is good for my soul. I'm hopeful to connect with one of them and have my next great relationship. I'm seeing a really cute blonde now and I'm hopeful it continues down the path it's going.

[aloneinaz]

Aloneinaz...please!!! Haha you are making me feel so bad about myself! 5 women in 6 weeks??? I need, I mean it, I really need to see a pic of you.

 

You crack me up girl! While this sounds like I'm bragging, it's 5 women in 3 weeks. I'm just being factual! I have no reason to lie or impress anyone here. I'm trying to illustrate that dumpee's can and should move on vs. sitting home having pity parties with themselves for MONTHS after being dumped.

 

By the way, online dating makes getting dates and getting laid if your decent looking not so hard. As for me, I'm 6'4", 220 and am told I look like Tim Robbins alot though I rather hear Brad Pitt... lol

 

Again, I wouldn't lie to anyone about being 100% over my ex. I'm still shocked that it's "really over" after so many prior break ups. I miss her kids. Like I've said many times, I'm just grateful that I saw her true personality the last 5 months and it wasn't pretty. Someone else can deal with her BS now. I've done my time..

[JDPT]

*smirk*

 

Well, I'm definitely not an example to follow. I enjoy occasionally fantasising about my bed romps with former lovers...

 

:o

 

I do too, but only with those who I had casual encounters with, not with someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

[JDPT]

Any other suggestions?

[Vinsanity1307]

Ok this sounds exactly like my ex....Was open to anything and everything whenever I wanted it....From Bj to sex or w e..Always ready and willing..We even had a sex bucket list ....The visions of them with someone else are unbearable. What I started doing is put a big rubber band on my wrist 1 rough snap for just a thought of her...Two rough snaps when I think intimate moments I had with her, and 3 for visions with someone else....and I think of soemthing good..My thought is bought a dog and its coming in a few weeks...the visions gone now?

[oracle]

Masturbate

 

Makes all those feelings go away after