One let down too many

[starlet86]

After much heartache and thought (and another blasting row with my ex which left me realising he was never going to stop his behaviour) I have written a letter of resignation to my boss. I am leaving a job I love, a town which I was just starting to call home and I am moving back to where I fought to get away from.

 

It kills me how much my ex has won. I can't continue seeing him everyday and hoping that maybe he will eventually come around. I've given him so many chances and he wont forgive me for getting annoyed at him.

 

He got really angry at me because I asked him when he planned on repaying me money he owed me.

 

It actually breaks my heart that it has came to this. Tomorrow I go to work, say goodbye to a few colleagues and then make my way to my bosses office to hand in my resignation.

 

I don't think I could feel more deflated if I tried.

[JDPT]

So the break up was over a loan?

I think we are missing bits and pieces.

[starlet86]

No, the loan was the straw that broke the camels back haha.

 

There are many posts over the past 2 months which detail all the gritty details.

 

At this point I am exhausted of it all, but feel free to read and leave your opinion

[ggas]

Wait a minute. Let us both take a step back and look at this CALMLY and RATIONALLY. A guy broke your heart. You feel like crawling into a whole. You tried everything to move on and it didn't work and now you want to leave the job you love cause you can't take it any more.

 

Let me just say that you seem like a very nice girl that found a job she loves and a place she can call home. I would date you right now just because of that. Secondly, DO NOT PLAY SOCIAL GAMES. He hasn't won Jack ****. Do things for yourself. Go to the saloon, go to a bar. Try to hook up with a bunch of dudes. JUST DO SOMETHING. Moving to a place that makes you sad and that makes you think "he won" IS NOT something you should do.

 

Take a trip or write a blog and I promise you, you will feel better.

 

Cheers

[Legatus]

I feel very bad for you. I hate when people are forced to resign from their dreams because other people are useless to the point where I can't even understand.

 

Are you sure you've done everything you can to stay ? I'm quite sure you are a strong person, perhaps you can muster some more strength to teach yourself not to notice him?

 

I realized a job and place to live you can call home are two of the most important things in our lives. You did not deserve to have them taken away from you just because of one @sshole's behaviour. I can't allow that! It's not right! I hope you'll be stronger every day and maybe rethink your decision...

[flitzanu]

startlet, i'm not one to condone prescription medication (as in, given by a doctor), but i worked with an ex that dumped me for one of my close friends and i had to see them every single day...but meds made me numb enough that i stopped feeling anything at all. eventually i healed and stopped caring. if you love the job, you might consider that option.

 

but, on the other hand, many are totally against that route because it isn't "natural" to heal that way. thing is, that's why those meds exist...we don't HAVE to feel that way.

[starlet86]

Thank you all for your posts. The truth of the matter is, I have tried everything and all I seem to be doing is becoming more miserable. I get moments where I feel happy but then I realise I am not really. I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years ago and I feel that if I stay here I am going to run the risk of setting myself off. I have no family or immediate support base here. It became my home mainly because I loved my job, no other reason.

 

It hurts and I wish I didn't have to do it but for someone who is usually quite head strong this guy for some reason has the power to break me at every turn. Every time I think I have gotten further from him I turn around and he's right there. I just think this is for the best before something happens that results in me losing my job because I can't handle it anymore. I'd like to walk away at least under the pretence that this is what I want to do.

[Legatus]

In that case you're right. At least you're going to do it on your terms (sort of). I can only imaginge how hard it must be, but remember - he only won a battle. You will get back on your feet somewhere else, get over him and be happy as a clam!

Edited July 16, 2013 by Legatus

[lessica]

Fight or flight? Fight.

[starlet86]

I really do not know what is wrong with me.

I resigned from my job, I packed up my things and I had a 40 minute screaming match with my ex about everything.

 

I then decided to get drunk with some friends (I don't drink usually) as a "farewell" sort of thing and I slept with a co-worker. I was so drunk I could barely stand and I was angry and upset at my ex and I just thought "to hell with this" it was horrible, I cried and stopped it quite quickly and then cried some more.

 

I am racked with guilt now and I hate the fact that he is going to work with this person closely for the foreseeable future and he might find out.

 

I don't want him to find out, not because I think we can reconcile, I just don't want him to be hurt and hate me. He will also kill the person.

 

I am the worst person in the world.

[Tinkerbelll]

Stop it. Don't be too harsh on yourself! There's nothing wrong with you, we are human beings that make mistakes sometime!

You've been through a lot of major stress at a time, I understand how you felt and how you desperately tried to get the pain away. Consider it in these terms: now, have hit the bottom down and you can start healing

There are a lot of hints in this forum that will help you to get through this difficult journey.

Just give yourself time, respect the fact that you are suffering now. The pain will eventually go away(I promise it will, WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE).

Then think about what you want to do with your life, which kind of person you want to become.

[starlet86]

So after ending up in hospital in a pretty bad way and THEN finding out the whole truth of what my ex has been doing, whilst we were together and since we have broken up I really don't know how I am still standing.

 

NC is the only way for me now. Although I do want to know what I done to deserve everything he put me through. I refuse to let myself ask him. Anything he says will be BS. The last time I tried to ask him he just told me it didn't matter any more. Clearly the fact it matters to me doesn't matter. It kills me he is bringing up another baby as his own when he told me he didn't want any more kids AFTER we had got pregnant. I think that stings the most.

 

My doctor says my lungs and heart are under too much pressure for someone in their late 20s and that if I don't start eating and trying to calm myself down one of them is definitely going to give out at the least.

 

I just don't know how another human being can ruin someone so viciously and cruelly and then just expect them to move on without ever wondering why.

[thompkevin]

Hey starlet86,

 

I feel for you. But you have to understand that wondering why he did it is not going to help you in anyway. You can just assume that he had a lot of issues of his own and whatever he did was not to hurt you but because of his own issues.

[starlet86]

whatever he did was not to hurt you

 

Cheating on me with his ex, lying to me, getting me to help him buy a house, telling me he loved me whilst seeing ex, sleeping with me then going back to ex, proposing to me then getting back together with his ex, sleeping with me whilst moving ex in to said house, telling me he didn't want anything to do with our unborn child and if I kept it he would make my life a misery, but is raising ex's child to other man as his own now... please tell me how he didn't do any of that to hurt me.

[petall]

So focus on his bad points.

He did all that and you still want him?

Use those to good effect and turn your hurt into relief you got away.

[youngnlove89]

He landed you in the hospital. You are broken because of him.

 

I know how helpless this feels as a few nights ago I thought I was going to have to admit myself. I was throwing up, couldn't keep anything down, couldn't sleep or focus, I was having panic attacks that felt like my chest was going to burst, I was crying, screaming, I just wanted to die. How could he do this to me?

 

It was so painful.

 

Then I woke up to reality. This is it. This is what I have. My cards have been dealt. I can let him continue to hurt me or I can be a woman, stand up to my fears and FACE them. I'm not scared anymore. I am brave.

 

I had a horrible thing happen to me, it's not who I am. It's not who I have become. I was dealt a bad hand. I can either do something about it or let it take over my life.

 

You have to collect yourself. Remind yourself that this person is not what you expected. What he did to you was not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. It is just who he is.

 

And you don't want to be with someone like that. You don't deserve that. He doesn't deserve you. You are better than him. You would never do what he did. That makes you a better person, a bigger person than he would ever be.

 

You are the winner. You are the one who got away. You are the one who will heal. He will have this on his conscious. You did nothing wrong. He is the one with the problem.

 

Don't let this eat you alive. You are in control of your life and happiness. Don't let him have control over you anymore.

 

It's all in your hands.

[starlet86]

I don't want him back. It is strange but from the moment I found out he had cheated on me the feeling of wanting him back died.

 

I just don't know why he done all that to me and it has made me question what kind of person I must be for someone to be so cruel towards them.

 

I ended up in hospital because I couldn't eat, my panic attacks were horrific and the pain in my chest was so bad I was on the verge of passing out. To be told in your late 20s that your heart is struggling and WILL give out due to the stress (also I damaged my heart a few years ago by being stupid and it never fully recovered) is a very scary thing.

 

I just feel like I am still standing and I don't know how. I don't cry about it, I just go through the motions of living and I feel nothing. I guess this is a good thing, but I am worried about what will happen when it catches up on me.

[flitzanu]

your ex is just a dick. that doesn't mean you must deserve that treatment.