BHsigh Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I just need some opinions on this issue. I'm 35 and she is 34. I found out that my wife had an affair with a mutual friend, I had to confront her three times before she would admit anything, I basically had to tell her that I'm done and want a divorce because I was angry with her, she kept asking why and all I would say was 'we both know why", after 10 or so minutes of this she finally admitted to the affair. At this point her affair was over for almost 4 months Now the real issue, around a month after this, I found out that her and another friend (who was also friends with the AP) were sexting, he kept talking about wanting her to give him oral, she also spent time at this apartment, with just the two of them, including the night that these texts were dated. Before this occured, I told her that I was not comfortable with her having close male friends, due to her affair. At one point she got angry and told me that she would resent me for making her lose this friend, she also said that about AP before she admitted tha affair. Now, she insists that nothing ever happened with OM#2 (sexting guy), just sexting, and that the sexting with him was going on even during her affair with OM#1. She said that he is like that with everyone. I've talked to OM#2's ex, and she does support that statement, she said that he would sent texts about sex to all of his friends that were female, but she also stated that she couldn't say if he would do anything physically or not. Also, WW and I both know for a fact that he had an A with a very recently married woman (within a month after her marriage), but they did date when the married woman left her husband about 4 months before her marriage, they dated for about a month. Opinions?
dichotomy Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 She said that he is like that with everyone. She cheated, and while she was cheating with OM#1, she was (at the very least) talking about sexual acts with OM#2??? IS this right? Does it matter, or make a difference if she actually blew #2? Whats the question? Are you divorcing or not? 1
Coolit Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 She is not sorry and if you want monogamy she is not the woman for you. Sexting is cheating. My xMM tried to tell me that it was all just words when I asked him if he considered us having an A. But I disagreed with him. Anything that is continued on in secret is an affair whether it be purely sexual or purely emptional I love yous (tho, the second one has attraction. If it was platonic that is different but rarely the case. ) Tell her it is over now before more time has passed. Because it will just keep happening and you deserve better than that. She should not be in a committed relationship because she isn't able to commit. 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I just need some opinions on this issue. I'm 35 and she is 34. I found out that my wife had an affair with a mutual friend, I had to confront her three times before she would admit anything, I basically had to tell her that I'm done and want a divorce because I was angry with her, she kept asking why and all I would say was 'we both know why", after 10 or so minutes of this she finally admitted to the affair. At this point her affair was over for almost 4 months Now the real issue, around a month after this, I found out that her and another friend (who was also friends with the AP) were sexting, he kept talking about wanting her to give him oral, she also spent time at this apartment, with just the two of them, including the night that these texts were dated. Before this occured, I told her that I was not comfortable with her having close male friends, due to her affair. At one point she got angry and told me that she would resent me for making her lose this friend, she also said that about AP before she admitted tha affair. Now, she insists that nothing ever happened with OM#2 (sexting guy), just sexting, and that the sexting with him was going on even during her affair with OM#1. She said that he is like that with everyone. I've talked to OM#2's ex, and she does support that statement, she said that he would sent texts about sex to all of his friends that were female, but she also stated that she couldn't say if he would do anything physically or not. Also, WW and I both know for a fact that he had an A with a very recently married woman (within a month after her marriage), but they did date when the married woman left her husband about 4 months before her marriage, they dated for about a month. Opinions? Make your wife read "Not Just Friends". She had both a physical affair and at minimum an emotional affair. But honestly...I think she did it. Cheaters lie. This is bad, until she learns to have appropriate boundries she cannot have male friends and hang out alone. Are you looking to stay with her? If yes, Why.
janedoe67 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 She didn't just cheat once; she cheated twice. Sexting is betrayal. I agree with the recommendation for her to read Not Just Friends.
Zoden Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 (edited) You need to proceed with divorce. She is not an honest person. Its possible she has been having 2 affairs at the same time. You need to say goodbye. At one point she got angry and told me that she would resent me for making her lose this friend This is pretty nervy. To have a guy sexting with your wife and she upset that you don't want any contact with him? That shows she does not respect you or your marriage. Edited July 15, 2013 by Zoden 1
janedoe67 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Quote: At one point she got angry and told me that she would resent me for making her lose this friend This is pretty nervy. To have a guy sexting with your wife and she upset that you don't want any contact with him? That shows she does not respect you or your marriage. I am horribly ashamed to say this, but I tried the same crap with my BH. And let's get real; I didn't want to stay in contact with the OM so we could trade recipes. I wanted to stay in contact for my "fix" and because I was wayward. No, I wasn't actively cheating at that moment, but I was wayward. Some WS seem to think that leaving the OP's bed makes them no longer wayward. Nope. 5
Author BHsigh Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Ah, yeah, to support the fact that she was hiding it from me. Before I caught her EA/PA affair and her sexting affair, she did show me a text from him where he said to her "Did you find anyone to give me a BJ" she told him "no" he replied "****, I guess I'll go home and JO then". I told her then that I wasn't cool with him texting like that at all, she asked why and sounded perplexed, lol, she said that he talked like in person when I was around. I said, when I'm there it's different, and that personal texts like that aren't cool. She got irritated that I wouldn't let her decide what was too far, but she did say that she would have him stop texting things like that. That was long before the sexting that I saw, and she never did tell me that some of the texts were way worse than the example that I used in this post, and directed towards her. 1
Author BHsigh Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 And the opinion that I'm looking for is what do people think, could it have stopped at texting or did more happen considering that she spent time alone with him in his apartment, mainly while I was at work or at home asleep. 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 There is no way for us to determine whether it stopped at texting or not. Yes, it's possible she just texted with him. Yes, it's possible she had sex with him. She lied about the first guy so common sense tells us she will lie about the second one if she wants to. She may or may not be lying. That's the fun thing about liars. You just never know. But does it matter? Facts: she had sex with guy #1, sexted with guy#2 Unknown: if she had sex with guy #2 or not How will knowing if she had sex with guy #2 change your situation? I am truly sorry for your pain, and am going through a similar situation myself. I'm not trying to be mean. It's terrible what she is doing to you and I hope you know it's not your fault and you don't deserve this type of awful treatment. You didn't cause her behavior and the way she is dealing with being caught is downright cruel to you. She seems to lack any remorse for her betrayals and her attitude is beyond insulting to your marriage. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you choose to do. I don't think you will ever get the whole truth out of this one. 2
BetrayedH Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 If she was still sexting OM2 after you already had a Dday with her, she is not remorseful and you shouldn't reconcile with her. Continue with her and you'll be a volunteer instead of a victim. Even if you want to reconcile, your best chance of doing so is to file for divorce. That may snap her out of this fantasy world of playing single while she is married. You can always stop the proceedings if she shows sufficient remorse. If she doesn't, you're on the way to the divorce you need. Show respect for yourself by not accepting unacceptable behavior. Or perhaps sexting other men when she's already established herself as a cheater is acceptable to you? 3
Try Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Before this occured, I told her that I was not comfortable with her having close male friends, due to her affair. At one point she got angry and told me that she would resent me for making her lose this friend, she also said that about AP before she admitted tha affair. First tell her that her resenting you for making her lose her male friends does not compare with how much you resent her for cheating on you with one of those so called friends. Then tell her that you trusted her and she cheated, and that one of the consequences of her affair is that you can no longer trust her with having male friends. Finally, tell her that if she has a problem with this, that she should tell you now as you will file for divorce and find someone that knows what it means to be a wife. Frankly she is not wife material and you need to move on. She is a serial cheater that lacks remorse for her cheating. Her attitude is very bad and this will not just go away. 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 And the opinion that I'm looking for is what do people think, could it have stopped at texting or did more happen considering that she spent time alone with him in his apartment, mainly while I was at work or at home asleep. Cheaters lie. Consensus is....it doesn't matter, if it wasn't that guy it will be another guy or guys. If you were wondering if your buddy also betrayed you by banging your wife. Yep. He's no friend either. She is not remorseful, and unless you guys decide on open marriage or something you need to run. This will continue as long as you are married. 1
2sunny Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 If/since you need to be the one determining where HER healthy boundary is - you are in for a lifetime of her cheating and then justifying her bad behavior. Do you want to monitor her every move for your lifetime? That's essentially what you'll do if you stay.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 B.H. Let me ask you something. What do you think? Honestly what does your gut tell you. Your wife had an affair and that in itself is bad enough but now she's sexting another guy and this bum is asking for a BJ from YOUR WIFE!! She's been at his apartment alone after you caught her in a affair and she said nothing happened. Really? You think she was over there reading the bible? She cheated on you with one guy and now there's another asking for oral so once again let me ask you. WHAT DO YOU THINK? She's taking you for a long ride off a short pier and your about to drown and your making your already big time problems bigger by sitting and doing nothing Remember you said that your done and your filing for a divorce? You have every reason in the book to do so and to make matters worse she gets pissed when you tell her she can't accept these kind of text messages for him and she'll resent you? Fine have her resent you. Have her get pissed and have her bags packed and tell her to hit the road. What's the matter with you? Your being sh-- on and letting her get away with it.
Bryanp Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Time for the both of you to get tested for STD's. Why in the hell are you still with her? If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? Her actions show that she has absolutely no respect for you and you do not seem to care. How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If you do not respect yourself then who will?
BeholdtheMan Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Opinions?Yes...grow a pair of balls and divorce this shameless b*tch. I mean, seriously? Can you not see that she feels no remorse? She f*cked another dude and has the gall to say "I'll resent you for making me lose male friends". Are you fu**ing kidding me? You know what to do. You just need to muster the strength to do it. By the way, if reconciliation is on your mind, the best way to shock a cheating spouse out of her haze is to show her that you have other options and that you're fully capable of ditching her a**. 2
waterwoman Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Ah, yeah, to support the fact that she was hiding it from me. Before I caught her EA/PA affair and her sexting affair, she did show me a text from him where he said to her "Did you find anyone to give me a BJ" she told him "no" he replied "****, I guess I'll go home and JO then". Gaaahhhhh!!! FFS and who said romance was dead? How does any woman in her right mind find this appealing in the slightest. What a twat!
Author BHsigh Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Do the recently married woman's husband a favor and tell him what you know so he can get a quick divorce before this poor guy gets stuck in a long term relationship with a skanky wife. They are divorced already, she also knew about my WW's A with OM#1, she's a mess and isn't part of my life at all anymore.
Author BHsigh Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 You guys hang out with some crappy people. Nobody here knows for sure where it stopped with your wife but she is clearly a serial cheater who has boundary issues. We used to, I am much pickier about people now. We were kind of caught up in trying to meet people because we moved out of state, away from everyone that we knew.
janedoe67 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I understand that the particulars of what she did or did not "do" is important. But that really isn't the key factor in knowing whether or not a faithful marriage is possible for her. THAT can be seen in her mindset. And based on the things you have shared here - her mindset seems to be resistant, stubborn, unremorseful, and more focused on how much of her AP she can still cling to. THAT indicates that whether she had sex with both men or not, her mindset is selfishly wayward.
Author BHsigh Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 I understand that the particulars of what she did or did not "do" is important. But that really isn't the key factor in knowing whether or not a faithful marriage is possible for her. THAT can be seen in her mindset. And based on the things you have shared here - her mindset seems to be resistant, stubborn, unremorseful, and more focused on how much of her AP she can still cling to. THAT indicates that whether she had sex with both men or not, her mindset is selfishly wayward. Ok, well after DDay#3, when she finally admitted to her A with OM#1, she fully admits that she wasn't into our marriage and was basically waiting around to "see what i would do. She said that everything changed when I found out about the sexting, went nucular, kicked her out and wanted a divorce. Since that she has been into us and seems like she is trying. I keep tabs on her and check everything that I can, phone calls, texts, email, location etc. I haven't found anything new at all. My issue is that I'm still being haunted by all of this, particularly OM#2 since I never had closure on what did or did not happen. Case in point, she said that she would no longer be friends with OM#2, but still wanted to talk to him one more time to tell him thanks for being a friend (???), I told her that I wasn't cool with that, and if I ever decided that I would be that I would insist that I be present when it happened. Then low and behold, one day at around 3:00 AM, she woke me up and told me that she talked to him while I was asleep. When I rightfully got angry she said "But I actually told you that I talked to him, I wasn't afraid to tell you and I didn't try to hide it". After I told her that now I would never know the truth or feel comfortable with their friendship, and that i would never be able to be comfortable with what they talked about because I wasn't there, when we both agreed that if I let her talk to him that I would be there, she actually said she didn't know it was that important to me. This was why I left her the last time and started to file for D. But now that we're trying R, I just can't get this all out of my head, it's haunting me.
Thegameoflife Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Man up and divorce her. People like her are time wasters, and she's wasting your time. The only thing she could talk to an ex about are plans to keep things going. Why else would she ever need to contact this guy again, especially in secret? She needed secrecy because if he said no to her moving in, she didn't want to be kicked out. Expect deception from deceitful people. Wait and see, she'll be moving in with him or finding a new guy. 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Ok, well after DDay#3, when she finally admitted to her A with OM#1, she fully admits that she wasn't into our marriage and was basically waiting around to "see what i would do. She said that everything changed when I found out about the sexting, went nucular, kicked her out and wanted a divorce. Since that she has been into us and seems like she is trying. I keep tabs on her and check everything that I can, phone calls, texts, email, location etc. I haven't found anything new at all. My issue is that I'm still being haunted by all of this, particularly OM#2 since I never had closure on what did or did not happen. Case in point, she said that she would no longer be friends with OM#2, but still wanted to talk to him one more time to tell him thanks for being a friend (???), I told her that I wasn't cool with that, and if I ever decided that I would be that I would insist that I be present when it happened. Then low and behold, one day at around 3:00 AM, she woke me up and told me that she talked to him while I was asleep. When I rightfully got angry she said "But I actually told you that I talked to him, I wasn't afraid to tell you and I didn't try to hide it". After I told her that now I would never know the truth or feel comfortable with their friendship, and that i would never be able to be comfortable with what they talked about because I wasn't there, when we both agreed that if I let her talk to him that I would be there, she actually said she didn't know it was that important to me. This was why I left her the last time and started to file for D. But now that we're trying R, I just can't get this all out of my head, it's haunting me. Ah ok I get it now. Hate to tell you, but trust your gut, you feel like you don't have the truth then you probably don't. Cheaters lie. Are you guys in counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity? Is your wife in IC? Has she read books? How to help your spouse heal from your affair? Not just friends? What is she doing (actions) to help you heal? 1
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Ok, well after DDay#3, when she finally admitted to her A with OM#1, she fully admits that she wasn't into our marriage and was basically waiting around to "see what i would do. She said that everything changed when I found out about the sexting, went nucular, kicked her out and wanted a divorce. Since that she has been into us and seems like she is trying. I keep tabs on her and check everything that I can, phone calls, texts, email, location etc. I haven't found anything new at all. My issue is that I'm still being haunted by all of this, particularly OM#2 since I never had closure on what did or did not happen. Case in point, she said that she would no longer be friends with OM#2, but still wanted to talk to him one more time to tell him thanks for being a friend (???), I told her that I wasn't cool with that, and if I ever decided that I would be that I would insist that I be present when it happened. Then low and behold, one day at around 3:00 AM, she woke me up and told me that she talked to him while I was asleep. When I rightfully got angry she said "But I actually told you that I talked to him, I wasn't afraid to tell you and I didn't try to hide it". After I told her that now I would never know the truth or feel comfortable with their friendship, and that i would never be able to be comfortable with what they talked about because I wasn't there, when we both agreed that if I let her talk to him that I would be there, she actually said she didn't know it was that important to me. This was why I left her the last time and started to file for D. But now that we're trying R, I just can't get this all out of my head, it's haunting me. A polygraph is the only thing that will satisfy you. Look into them. Your local police department can list reliable ones for your area. You'll probably only be able to ask a maximum of 5 questions so think about which ones are really the most critical to you. By the way, be prepared to hear some more "truth" on the way to the test. Just make sure you don't cancel for ANY reason. At some point, you're going to have to decide how long you can try to reconcile with someone that is actively lying to your face. 1
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