HopingAgain Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 (edited) I'm sitting here waiting for my therapist to call me back. In the interim figured I may as well write down my feelings here. My husband accepted a work assignment yesterday with the same former co worker and friend who introduced him to the OW. They will be doing work at the same client they worked for before, so to me this has thrown me into a major crisis because I literally feel like I'm reliving the circumstances that led up to this nightmare. My husband and I talked/ argued all last night. Its a very short term assignment, and we need the money. Those are the only pros. WH spent the majority of last night reassuring me that this is strictly for work,, because we need the money, and that he will come.home straight afterwards. He knows that before, going for after work drinks at his coworkers cousins house (where he met OW) is what led our marriage off the rails. He has said that will not happen. Do I believe him? I believe his intentions are sincere. Do I believe he will follow through? How can I right now? All I have is what happened before to go on. I'm not worried or concerned too much about ex OW. As far as I know, she's moved out of state shortly after Dday. But the memories. Him being around this same unscrupulous coworker, and just feeling so hurt he would accept this assignment knowing how it makes me feel. It feels like dealbreakers to me. He has asked me to please have faith in him and not prejudge him, but again...how can.I not? I literally feel like I can't get out of bed and have been crying since this morning shortly before he left. What can I do? What should I do? Edited July 15, 2013 by HopingAgain
Coolit Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Here is my ws opinion. As xOW is not in the picture. Let him do the short assignment and use it to gauge his sincerity. Let him know this is a test to see how important his understanding your feelings is. If he breaks his word about coming Home after and not being social with the coworker you will know he puts more stock in his peers than you (as in gives in to peer pressure easy). I know this is the harder route than him avoiding this coworker but it may give you a lot of insight by allowing him to do it.
Author HopingAgain Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Here is my ws opinion. As xOW is not in the picture. Let him do the short assignment and use it to gauge his sincerity. Let him know this is a test to see how important his understanding your feelings is. If he breaks his word about coming Home after and not being social with the coworker you will know he puts more stock in his peers than you (as in gives in to peer pressure easy). I know this is the harder route than him avoiding this coworker but it may give you a lot of insight by allowing him to do it. Thank you, Coolit. I do believe you are right. He wants an opportunity to prove himself, and this could very well be it. I will know for sure if he does not come home right afterwards and if he's been drinking, etc. In the meantime, it's just dealing with the awful triggers that is tearing me up inside, it's just such a similar situation to what led up to the affair that it's unbearable for me right now. I struggle with anxiety and I think a few glasses of Moscato to calm my nerves are in order 1
Author HopingAgain Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Therapist finally called back. I made an.appointment to see her tommorow. In the meantime, I'm just maintaining and trying to go through the motions of a normal day. Not very successfully though. These are the days when I truly don't know if I'm cut out for reconciliation. Its only been 6 months, hard to imagine 2-5 more years of this. Are there any words of advice from anyone a little further down the road with trying to recon their marriages?
MMY Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Therapist finally called back. I made an.appointment to see her tommorow. In the meantime, I'm just maintaining and trying to go through the motions of a normal day. Not very successfully though. These are the days when I truly don't know if I'm cut out for reconciliation. Its only been 6 months, hard to imagine 2-5 more years of this. Are there any words of advice from anyone a little further down the road with trying to recon their marriages? I hope the best for you as you go through this. My w has been very forgiving and I am doing my best to earn her trust and build our relationship back. It hasn't been but 4 mths since Dday and I know there is plenty of work to do but she is willing to and wants our m to work. Hopefully your H has been showing you that he wants your m to work and I hope yall have sat down and you have told him how you feel about him working. 2
Spotme Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I don't know that I have any advice, but some commiseration anyway. A few days ago we went to the restaurant where H had dinner with the AP the night they first had sex (I had never been there). Beforehand, I was all bravado. I wanted the type of food served there, it was the only place around where we are staying to get it, and why should I be deprived because of what they did? I totally triggered while there and it really set me back on trust issues. Ever since then, I have been worried about what he's doing or who he could be talking to whenever we are apart (this site is probably not helping me right now, lol) in a way that I have not been for some time. We are 9 months post Dday, by the way. Anyway, what I've been clinging to is you can't go around it, you have to go through it. So yeah, give him the opportunity to prove himself and I'll drink with you. {{{Hoping}}} 4
Author HopingAgain Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I hope the best for you as you go through this. My w has been very forgiving and I am doing my best to earn her trust and build our relationship back. It hasn't been but 4 mths since Dday and I know there is plenty of work to do but she is willing to and wants our m to work. Hopefully your H has been showing you that he wants your m to work and I hope yall have sat down and you have told him how you feel about him working. I appreciate that, MMY! My husband has done a great deal to show me that he is truly remorseful and wants to reconcile. It's just that it's a little soon for me to be put in such a position where I feel I have to trust a little, let go a little, again. I wasn't prepared for it and it sucker punched me in the gut. Part of me is furious that my husband didn't turn down the assignment, but the more rational side of me knows why he took it. I keep telling myself that "time will tell" and I have to continue to look towards his actions and keep my head up. I hope that things are going o.k. with you and your wife in your reconciling. Some days it 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but keep pressing on! 1
Author HopingAgain Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I don't know that I have any advice, but some commiseration anyway. A few days ago we went to the restaurant where H had dinner with the AP the night they first had sex (I had never been there). Beforehand, I was all bravado. I wanted the type of food served there, it was the only place around where we are staying to get it, and why should I be deprived because of what they did? I totally triggered while there and it really set me back on trust issues. Ever since then, I have been worried about what he's doing or who he could be talking to whenever we are apart (this site is probably not helping me right now, lol) in a way that I have not been for some time. We are 9 months post Dday, by the way. Anyway, what I've been clinging to is you can't go around it, you have to go through it. So yeah, give him the opportunity to prove himself and I'll drink with you. {{{Hoping}}} Ouch, Spotme...I'm sorry. *Handing you a glass of my Moscato* I know that had to have been painful for you. I hope you at least got to enjoy the food that night! You are so right in that we just have to go through it. And with me, that's the part I haven't been good at in the past. I don't like conflict, don't like facing these strong, heavy emotions that have overtaken me, and I REALLY don't like the anxiety and mistrust that have taken root in our relationship. It's a horrible feeling to see my husband look at me with love in his eyes, hear him express love, see him showing me love, but to be reluctant to actually FEEL it anymore, because I am afraid of being hurt again and don't yet feel like I can trust him. One of the loneliest places to be in the world!
Spotme Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I hope he makes the most of this opportunity to show that you can trust him and helps ease that knot in your gut that holds you back. I know what you mean about wanting to avoid dealing with the heavy feelings. H and I spent far too long trying to avoid or go around the heavy stuff. He coped by having an affair. I coped by trying to be the perfect everything to everyone. Not anymore, sister! Going through the affair crap sucks, but I am determined to always handle my life head on from now on. I will never stuff my feelings down again. They all get processed - the good, the bad, and the ugly. 2
Author HopingAgain Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Thanks, Spotme! I hope the same for you and your husband. Waiting for him to get home from work now, feeling nervous about talking to him.
waterwoman Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Hey hoping, this might sound counterintuitive but try to use this a positive step. He is potentially 'entering the lion's den'. He intends to come out again unscathed. He does not want to give in. There will always be temptations, always. Try to see this as a chance to let him test himself, and your strengthened bond. H worked with OW, quite closely for about 2 weeks after d-day. He is a teacher, she was one of his assistants. There was NO WAY he could get away from her. That was hard. But after that came the long summer break, and when they returned to school they were not working together. At christmas, 4 months later, there was a work night-out - he wasn't going to go because he knew it would worry me, but i encouraged him to do so. I had to know I could trust him. We have never lived joined at the hip, we have our own lives and friends as well as our life as a married couple. I was nervous, yes, I even posted on here was told I was a fool, even that I was being cruel to him expecting him to resist temptation (by an OW I think that was) but I HAD to know we were back on track. All was well. Good luck x 3
Author HopingAgain Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Thank you so much, Waterwoman. I can imagine how nerve racking that must have been for you, and happy to hear your H passed the tests with flying colors! You are absolutely right that this is an opportunity for my husband and I to help regain some trust! I do have an update. I'm happy to say that WH did come home immediately after work just as he said he would. He saw that I was a little reserved in my demeanor, I wasn't spazzing out anymore just being kind of aloof. Without me even bringing it up, he once again promised me that this assignment was strictly work and then home. I know he is being sincere and wants to prove this to me, and to himself. And that makes me feel good. Still going to the therapist tommorow so that will be added support. Thank you all so much for helpng me through a tough time yesterday. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Glad to read you had a calm nature. Do all you can do to remain in that state. Let's face it, worry will not fix it or make the situation any better. There is nothing we can do to control or change other people. All you can do is state your boundries and then let go. He is his own person. Keep taking care of you. I love the 3 Get's of Al-Anon that can be applied in all facets of ones life. 1) Get off your partners back 2) Get out of your partners way 3) Get on with your life. 1
Spark1111 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Glad to read you had a calm nature. Do all you can do to remain in that state. Let's face it, worry will not fix it or make the situation any better. There is nothing we can do to control or change other people. All you can do is state your boundries and then let go. He is his own person. Keep taking care of you. I love the 3 Get's of Al-Anon that can be applied in all facets of ones life. 1) Get off your partners back 2) Get out of your partners way 3) Get on with your life. LOVE IT! But HA, enlist his help! Ask him what can HE DO to reassure you when he his forced to spend time with this low life co-worker. HOW will your H help you through those evenings? telling you he will be a good boy is one thing.....HOW can he prove it to you? Remember actions. 2
Author HopingAgain Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Actions, indeed. So far so good, he has kept to his word the past few days since he's started and been very good natured and eager to tell me about his day. I believe he is sincere. I still am wrestling with anxiety a bit, but day by day his following through on his word and reassurances are helping. In my session yesterday, my therapist also advised that I let him prove his sincerity and try not to allow my "doomsday" thinking to take over or to cloud his efforts to show me he cares or to stop me from reaching out to him. He's been very attentive and I in turn have been more attentive to him and when I start to trigger or get anxious, I'm doing a better job of calming my mind, staying in the moment, and enjoying our time together. We've been really enjoying the time we spend together after he gets home, assuming he keeps his word (I believe he will) and I just relax a bit and let things flow, this might prove to be a big step towards our reconciliation.
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