Woah93 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I feel stuck, utterly confused and I don't know what road to take at this point in my life. I have been reading into letting go I've been working on me as a person and my god is it an eye opener. I might as well share the whole story. I grew up in a home where there were constant fighting with my mom and my (drunk aggressive) dad. I don't remember it being different and although it's rather calm now when I was a child I remember the police being involved several and my mom took a serious beating. Usually they would involve me as well and I while I have developed into what I can be proud of I still suffer self-esteem issues and a fear of opening up to people today. When I turned 17, never having experienced female affection there was this woman, 10 years older then me and it was the first time I experienced chemistry. For some reason I just felt more comfortable around here then others, for some reason... without really trying I felt close to her right from the start. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about when your sitting in a room with other people and you just stare at each other and it seems like you are thinking the exact same thoughts all the time. The same silly jokes, the same way of being. She was basically an extrovert female version of me. I never got out of the flirty gray area with her. When I think back she did things which made it OBVIOUS she was way into me, but it always involved us drunk for some reason. The things she did was continuously stare, hug and hold hands frequently, laugh at anything I said no matter how lame it was. One time she came to me to mention a guy asked her number and she gave the wrong one. Winked and looked at me whenever a guy hit on her. One night it wen't kind of out of control and we got very close, and we got very close to making out. (She kissed me, but I didn't initiate anything myself). However some times she would give me the cold shoulder, ignored me or acted like I'm an acquaintance. She would also sometimes not respond to texts (I didn't text her much though). After that night we got close one night after that and she agreed to go to a movie once but one of her friends came in the midst of the conversation and insisted she would go with us, so it didn't go too well... After that it was game over, nothing but coldness from her part and she found someone else. Why do women do this though? Act like you're the best invention since sliced bread and other times not even notice you around? I'm so confused about this. To the point, let's be honest, she was 10 years older and I didn't feel comfortable and couldn't believe she was interested in me, but looking back now, this can't be just harmless flirting right? Anyway now she is with someone but I still notice that spark, and I notice something else. I'm not over her. While I thought I was, I was just running away from emotions. Denying that I felt a thing. I learned this because I had to work where she does for a few months in holiday and seeing her again instantly made me actually... happy. Like a piece of the puzzle fell into place. I don't care that I can't have her, but even talking to her and being around her is a huge relieve compared to no contact. What do I do with this? I don't know if I'm in love with her warmth and intimacy or actually in love with HER. I don't trust my motives, but on the other hand, other girls have liked me a lot but they never were like her. I love her flaws, the little gimmicks she does. I can't explain it but it feels right to do something about this. All the advice I keep seeing is walk away, let go, break contact, but it seems that I get miserable if I do that, and time doesn't heal it. Other girls don't either, and my intuition and heart are telling me to GO FOR IT at all costs. What do I do? How can I make a choice? I don't want to get burned or hurt badly, and I don't want to interfere with a relationship. So the choices are: Be her friend, or walk away again and tough it out, but I don't really want to do that. Basically I'm really confused and my common sense is fighting with my gut feeling and intuition and I really don't know what to do anymore. Being her friend and not getting my hopes up will be next to impossible as well, but having her in my life makes me so.. happy. :S
Eivuwan Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 It's not why do women do this. It's why did she do this. Well, I'm sad to say that she's probably just using you to boost her own ego. Let her go and find someone closer to your age.
Author Woah93 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Well, I never boosted her ego. That's the deal, she initiated it all, and I didn't see it or didn't wanted to see it. OFCOURSE if I would have pursued her I would be sure of her using me, but she tried again and again and I didn't see it and treated her like a friend. Why would she continue doing this if it would damage her ego rather then boost it?
Author Woah93 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Hmm. Maybe my own ego is protecting itself here but I find it hard to believe that someone would put that much time into boosting her ego or playing some guy, especially when it happened shortly after she broke up with her BF back then, not during. You're probably right though, I wish we could choose who we have feelings for
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