Phantom888 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 My woman and I spent an amazing weekend in Vegas. We saw Zumanity, science exhibits and had a lot of fun. Sex is amazing when you are on vacation. We connected so deeply, and it was just wonderful. Yesterday as we were having brunch, the topic of her ex came up. The last time she mentioned him was a week ago when she told me that they dated for 7 months after her divorce, and were casually dating every few months for the next 2.5 years. She considered him a true friend, but when he found out about my relationship with her, he asked her to leave me and rekindle with him. She refused him, and told him they can no longer be friends because of his reaction. A week went by and he emailed her with an apology, begging her not to end their friendship. She replied back and told him they can't be friends because she didn't want to risk losing me. She told me that she cried when she read his email. Then as she was telling me, she started crying again. I asked her if she still had feelings for him, and she said not in that way. She felt bad that she had to hurt him now, and he was the only person kind to her when she was getting over her divorce. She also said that she felt sorry for him because he had no family or friends, and this basically means he will be alone for the rest of his life. I felt cold....and I asked her "are you sure you are ready for me?" and she said yes. She said if she ever lost me, her heart would be shattered and she would react a lot worse than crying. I felt she was being very honest with me. But I couldn't help feeling sad that she shed tears over someone else. She is genuinely a kind person, so I expect her to be emotional. I just don't like it that she felt bad for hurting him...I mean, who cares about his feelings?! This guy is a total loser who can't commit to anything. Ladies, please chime in....would you shed tears for someone purely out of friendship? I mean, would you cry for a friend? I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea on how she can have such feelings over someone whom she doesn't love.
Imajerk17 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 (edited) I just did the math. If you keep worrying about every little thing and writing threads about your every issue at this rate, you will be at 5,436 threads by your 20th anniversary. It will be a new worlds record. Keep it up man! Edited July 15, 2013 by Imajerk17 4
Author Phantom888 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I just did the math. If you keep worrying about every little thing and writing threads about your every issue at this rate, you will be at 5,436 threads by your 20th anniversary. Keep it up man! No..it was every little thing earlier on. Now it's actually real concerns. I mean, this is bugging the crap out of me.
KungFuJoe Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I just did the math. If you keep worrying about every little thing and writing threads about your every issue at this rate, you will be at 5,436 threads by your 20th anniversary. It will be a new worlds record. Keep it up man! Your math is surprisingly accurate. I just put your figures through my abacus and came out with the exact same result. 3
KungFuJoe Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 No..it was every little thing earlier on. Now it's actually real concerns. I mean, this is bugging the crap out of me. You want my REAL opinion? I think you guys are two codependents who have found each other. I think both of you need to start learning how to make YOURSELF happy instead of always worrying about making the other person happy. 3
Author Phantom888 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Kungfu, that's a good point. I think you are correct. Thanks for not being a judgmental a**hole about it. I must admit, i have been codependent, and so has she. I am taking up more activities now so I don't get all sad when I'm not with her. That's my 1st step. I really want this to work, so I'm making myself busy outside of the relationship.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Ladies, please chime in....would you shed tears for someone purely out of friendship? I mean, would you cry for a friend? I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea on how she can have such feelings over someone whom she doesn't love. I would cry if the man who claimed he loved and trusted me told me I couldn't be friends with someone because it made him uncomfortable, because it would mean the end of the relationship with the man who claimed he loved and trusted me. I agree with KFJ. You two are co-dependent to the n'th degree. (And that's NOT a good thing.)
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I must admit, i have been codependent, and so has she. I am taking up more activities now so I don't get all sad when I'm not with her. That's my 1st step. I really want this to work, so I'm making myself busy outside of the relationship. It doesn't sound like you know what co-dependent even means. It doesn't mean attached at the hip; that's just a symptom of the problem. 1
Author Phantom888 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I would cry if the man who claimed he loved and trusted me told me I couldn't be friends with someone because it made him uncomfortable, because it would mean the end of the relationship with the man who claimed he loved and trusted me. I agree with KFJ. You two are co-dependent to the n'th degree. (And that's NOT a good thing.) I NEVER asked her or even hinted for her to end her friendship with this guy. She did it because he was coming on too strong, and wanted her to end her relationship with me. She did the right thing, though I just didn't think he was worth crying over. 1
Author Phantom888 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 It doesn't sound like you know what co-dependent even means. It doesn't mean attached at the hip; that's just a symptom of the problem. Trust me I know what it is. Have been in relationships and have seen it all before. Are you always this judgmental or are you PMSing? 1
pteromom Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 The fact that she cried over the loss of a friendship and over the hope that he won't be alone shows me she is a caring woman who is tender and sweet. This is NOT a bad thing. It's a good thing for you. I don't understand why this would bother you. She cut off the friendship. She is devoted to you. Now she has to cut off her residual feelings too? You are over-analyzing the situation. She doesn't have to feel the EXACT way you think she should feel. And sure, I might still cry if one of my exes was hurt. Just because I have no romantic feelings for them doesn't negate the fact that they were an important part of my life. 2
clia Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I NEVER asked her or even hinted for her to end her friendship with this guy. She did it because he was coming on too strong, and wanted her to end her relationship with me. She did the right thing, though I just didn't think he was worth crying over. You didn't have to ask her. In the past six weeks you've already exposed how jealous you are of her past relationships, so she knew. I mean, you expressed to her that you weren't even comfortable with her having exes on her Facebook friends list. That doesn't translate to a guy who would be comfortable with her remaining friends with this guy. She's crying because she lost someone who has been a part of her life for the past three years, and who she probably loved, and she feels sad. Had he wanted commitment, she would probably be in a relationship right now with him. She might have even still been in love with him earlier this year, right up until she met you. I don't think it's out of the realm of belief that she still loves him in some way. She has a long history with this guy. Who cares about his feelings? Obviously she does. Until six weeks ago, she didn't even know who you were. She chose you (for now), but I think she has every right to feel sad -- whether she simply lost a friend or a man she retains some feelings of love for. 3
Treasa Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 She said if she ever lost me, her heart would be shattered and she would react a lot worse than crying. I'm going to be judgmental. Everyone judges. How would we have morals or beliefs otherwise? Incidentally, I'm PMSing, but I felt the same way even when I wasn't. How long have you two been together again? Two months? Her heart would be SHATTERED and she would react a lot worse than crying?? I'm sorry, but girlfriend needs help. I think you both need help, and you aren't going to get it from each other. These issues are going to keep coming up. I promise that. I'd love to see you both healthy and happy, but this codependent relationship, and yes it is codependent, isn't going to allow that to happen. Do you see the person in my signature? Keith? Yeah, I would be a LOT worse than crying, but I wouldn't do anything stupid, and he's been part of my life for 16 years, close to 17. 1
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Trust me I know what it is. Have been in relationships and have seen it all before. Are you always this judgmental or are you PMSing? You're demonstrating some not-so-nice characteristics with this post. Again, it doesn't sound like you understand what co-dependency is. 1
TigerCub Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Trust me I know what it is. Have been in relationships and have seen it all before. Are you always this judgmental or are you PMSing? Haha, why didn't you say to your girl "Are you always this emotional or are you PMSing!!" UGh, what a thing to say............... 4
Author Phantom888 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I don't think it's out of the realm of belief that she still loves him in some way. She has a long history with this guy. Who cares about his feelings? Obviously she does. Until six weeks ago, she didn't even know who you were. She chose you (for now), but I think she has every right to feel sad -- whether she simply lost a friend or a man she retains some feelings of love for. I don't think she has any romantic love for this person. She seriously feels sorry for him. She doesn't respect him or admire him because he is a cloud of misery. She wouldn't be with him even if I never showed up. He spends Thanksgivings with his Ex, who is already remarried. That's sad. Come to think of it, this guy is likely going to die alone, as he can't seem to connect with anyone. He gets scared too easily...and has no drive to better his life. Total opposite of me. My woman has been way too kind to him. That's just the way she is. She's a forgiving person by nature. I should be glad that she is such a kind person, instead of feeling bad. I'm just being a lame dude. I dated a woman whom I did not love, but she was genuinely nice to me. She was loving and warm, and wanted to have a future with me. But I couldn't love her the way she loved me. When I broke up with her, I seriously couldn't stop crying....because I really cared about her. I just couldn't imagine a future with her, and that made me sad. So I guess I should empathize instead of feeling crappy. I totally forgot about this girl.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I don't think she has any romantic love for this person. She seriously feels sorry for him. She doesn't respect him or admire him because he is a cloud of misery. She wouldn't be with him even if I never showed up. That's not the way you made it sound previously: When my woman divorced 4 years ago, she met a man almost immediately. They dated for 7 months, until it became clear to her that this man never wanted commitment. He did not even want exclusivity at 7 months. That was the story I got when I met her. This past weekend she told me that over the last 3 years, she and this man has been good friends. He would check on her every 2 months or so to see if she was dating anyone. If not, they would hang out, and casually date. The last time they saw each other was early this year, months before she and I met. This was a bit shocking to me because I never thought she would go back to a guy who was clearly not right for her. She said it was difficult to be alone, and at least this guy provided genuine friendship. She told me she was always hesitant about dating other men exclusively, because that means she could not see him anymore. But he kept coming back. She dated him for 7 months but he didn't want exclusivity. Every time he came back, she welcomed him back. She was hesitant about dating other men exclusivity because that would mean she couldn't see him anymore. That sounds like she's a lot more attached to him than you're now conveniently making it sound. 1
Treasa Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm sure she is kind and does care about him, but my gut tells me she's afraid to be alone, and will happily fall back into this guy's arms, albeit temporarily, if things don't work out with you. Of course, that could just be the silly almost-on-the-rag nonsense taking hold of me. 2
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm sure she is kind and does care about him, but my gut tells me she's afraid to be alone, and will happily fall back into this guy's arms, albeit temporarily, if things don't work out with you. Of course, that could just be the silly almost-on-the-rag nonsense taking hold of me. See the quote above. She actually told him outright that it's difficult for her to be alone. Add on to that that she was always hesitant in becoming exclusive with anyone because it meant she couldn't see him anymore, and... Yeah. If he wanted to really be with her, she'd jump at the chance. 1
clia Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I don't think she has any romantic love for this person. She seriously feels sorry for him. She doesn't respect him or admire him because he is a cloud of misery. She wouldn't be with him even if I never showed up. He spends Thanksgivings with his Ex, who is already remarried. That's sad. Come to think of it, this guy is likely going to die alone, as he can't seem to connect with anyone. He gets scared too easily...and has no drive to better his life. Total opposite of me. If he's such a loser, then what's the problem? Why are you worried that she is shedding tears over him? You asked: Ladies, please chime in....would you shed tears for someone purely out of friendship? I mean, would you cry for a friend? I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea on how she can have such feelings over someone whom she doesn't love. In my opinion, it is more likely that she is shedding tears due to feelings of residual love than feelings of platonic friendship. I know it isn't what you want to hear, but that's my opinion. It's hard to even put myself into her shoes because I would not give up a three year friendship for a man I just met six weeks ago. When is the last time she had sex with him? 2
Author Phantom888 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 That's not the way you made it sound previously: She dated him for 7 months but he didn't want exclusivity. Every time he came back, she welcomed him back. She was hesitant about dating other men exclusivity because that would mean she couldn't see him anymore. That sounds like she's a lot more attached to him than you're now conveniently making it sound. You are taking this quote out of context. She eventually figured him out and knew he was just tugging her around, and he wouldn't even act interested if she wasn't with me. He reacts when she is involved with someone else. She is not attached to him. She made it clear that he is toxic mess, and she would NEVER be in a relationship with him again. Quit quoting me out of context. That's really lame. You are a nasty person you know that?
Author Phantom888 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 If he's such a loser, then what's the problem? Why are you worried that she is shedding tears over him? You asked: In my opinion, it is more likely that she is shedding tears due to feelings of residual love than feelings of platonic friendship. I know it isn't what you want to hear, but that's my opinion. It's hard to even put myself into her shoes because I would not give up a three year friendship for a man I just met six weeks ago. When is the last time she had sex with him? I dont know when was the last time they had sex. They don't have sex every time. They saw each other 4-5 times a year. It was clear to her he was not the one for her. She resented him for leading her on. This man has intimacy issues. He's a toxic mess according to her, and she would not want to be involved with him.
Author Phantom888 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I dont even know why I'm here defending. It's really annoying when things get mean and nasty.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 You are taking this quote out of context. She eventually figured him out and knew he was just tugging her around, and he wouldn't even act interested if she wasn't with me. He reacts when she is involved with someone else. She is not attached to him. She made it clear that he is toxic mess, and she would NEVER be in a relationship with him again. Quit quoting me out of context. That's really lame. You are a nasty person you know that? I'm neither quoting you out of context nor a nasty person. I quoted your post from this thread, which involves the very same man who's the subject of this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/406928-overcoming-our-1st-hiccup I'm not taking anything out of context. I'm merely quoting your words of how you said she felt about him. It's what you said ONE WEEK ago. Now, the story is different? If there's anyone changing the context, it's you. The facts are: She dated him for 7 months but he didn't want to be exclusive. He kept coming back over the next THREE YEARS. Every time he came back, she welcomed him back. She was hesitant to become exclusive with anyone (which would include you) because that would mean she couldn't see him anymore. Those were your words. In this thread a week later, you say she's been crying over the loss of this man from her life. When everyone tells you it's probably because she still has feelings for him (understandable given what you described above), you NOW say she'd never take him back and doesn't have any romantic feelings for him. Context, indeed.
clia Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I dont know when was the last time they had sex. They don't have sex every time. They saw each other 4-5 times a year. It was clear to her he was not the one for her. She resented him for leading her on. This man has intimacy issues. He's a toxic mess according to her, and she would not want to be involved with him. Then I don't understand why she continued to see him 4-5 times a year (sometimes having sex), or why she would be crying tears that he will no longer be a part of her life. Do you see how those two things are contradictory to your description above and in other posts of how she felt about him? I'm not meaning to give you a hard time, but you kind of seem to have your head in the sand on this one. Most people don't remain friends with people they find to be "toxic," who they "resent," and who are a "cloud of misery." He must have some good qualities if she dated him for 7 months, kept seeing him 4-5 times a year after the relationship ended, and is now shedding some tears for him. Buy obviously she chose you...so I'm not sure why you are even stressing about this. 3
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