Having marital issues after 5 years... I'm think I'm losing my mind

July 15, 2013

Hello everyone;

I've been lurking through here for a few weeks and have finally decided to finally try seeking some advice. Here is my quandary (this will be a long post):

I have been with my wife since I was 19 (I am 31 now). We had a great relationship and loved each other very much. At the age of 25, I started getting pressure to marry from her, from my parents... everyone really. I mean, I loved her to death and could not even think of being with anyone else at the time. So, we got married in 2007.

The first two years of marriage were great. We moved up in our lives and careers, we traveled and we made love. We decided to buy a house and started talking about having kids.

In the summer of 2009, I got my wife pregnant. She carried the child for four months before having a miscarriage. This devastated her. She fell into a huge depression and I steeled myself for rough patches. I was there for her when she needed, and I gave her her space when she needed. She became very cold and distant during the roughly six-month grieving process. I was her only comfort. Her rock so to speak.

So, one day in March of 2010, she says she wants to try again. I say yes... Boom! She's pregnant again. She carried this child for another 3 months, and miscarries again. She falls into the same depression and I am stuck in the same predicament. But I love her, right? So, I deal with the sadness, coldness, and distance for about a year.

During this time, we visit doctors and specialist and we learn that she has a rare blood disorder that makes it difficult to carry a child. The doctors explain that this can be remedied with treatment. So, we try again for a third time thinking that this treatment would put her over the hump. It didn't. She had a third miscarriage in November of 2011. Her reaction, this time, is different. She not only became depressed, but extremely angry. So, once again, I had to be the understanding husband. The coldness; the anger; the distance; the sadness. All over again. This had become my life for the past three years.

So, fast forward to just a couple of weeks ago. She seemed to have gotten herself back on track over the past year and a half. She tells me she wants me to get her pregnant again. I told her that I couldn't do and that I couldn't go through all that pain for a fourth time. This sets her back in to the same depression I had just gotten her out of. She tells me she respects my decision, but I can see it in her eyes that she no longer respects me. I would even go so far as to say she hates me. I can feel it.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to just die, while the other half wants to pack a bag and run away. I've spent the last 4 years dying inside as I tried to put the broken pieces of her heart back together. But now, I feel as if I can never love her the same again. All of this time I thought I had found a love I can give and receive unconditionally. I now realize that love she has given me for almost 12 years has been conditional all along. As long as I did what she wanted when she wanted it, she loved me. I feel like my whole world is fake. Take that and throw it on top of the feeling I have that I should have a child, and I am starting to lose my mind. I started seeing a psychologist, but it's not helping me because he is only confirming what I knew all along... that my marriage with this woman has been a fake. I am so lost and have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

And advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

July 15, 2013

I don't see how it's been a fake marriage. 3 miscarriages can really hurt a marriage a lot and be difficult to get through. It sounds like you may have to start looking at other options if you want to have a child together. Adoption or surrogacy (this is very expensive though unless you have a relative who is willing to do this for you). I can understand that you wouldn't want to go through another depression with her, so think about the above options and if you could do either one of those together. If not, you may be better off without one another. If she really wants to try and conceive one more time, someone else may want to take that risk with her, but I can appreciate how you don't want to keep dealing with this over and over.

July 15, 2013

Hello everyone;

I started seeing a psychologist, but it's not helping me because he is only confirming what I knew all along... that my marriage with this woman has been a fake.

You may wish to see a different therpist. Does this one specialize in marriage/couples. When you went to see the doctor specialists did they recommend a therapist with a specilization in fertility and conception?

The desire for children/family can be huge - a life's dream. For some finding you have medical limitations is so painful, depressing devestating. Miscarriages are so hard. I suspect she would be like this with any man/marriage. Its understandable.

Do you really beleive all you had (all she had) before trying for children was fake?

I take it your specilists included doctors who also provide IVF services? The sources of miscarriage can be numerous.

I don't have any concerete advice, but I am sorry for all this.

July 15, 2013

She tells me she respects my decision, but I can see it in her eyes that she no longer respects me. I would even go so far as to say she hates me. I can feel it.

She needs a baby. Do you understand that your refusal to consider getting her pregnant is a betrayal of her dream as well as the unspoken promise of a family? I would resent you too, for crushing my dream.

I understand that you don't want to deal with the pain or fallout from miscarriages, but she needs a baby. You need to see doctors, talk about adoption, talk about other options, and keep trying. Don't just give up out of fear of what might happen if she has another miscarriage.

Your marriage isn't FAKE. But yes, it came with expectations. And one of her expectations was that there would be children.

She should join a fertility community online... find some women who have been through what she has been through (trust me, there are a lot of us!) And start using her sadness as fuel for action.

July 15, 2013

The reason why I see a psychologist on my own is because it is MY mind and soul that needs mending. I know it sounds selfish, but when the only thought during your work day that crosses your mind is the hope that you get killed in some freak accident so you no longer have to deal with the heartache, it's time for you to talk to someone. She had her support group. She had parents, sisters, cousins, friends, therapists, and me. I had nobody. I was forced to keep all of the grief silent for her sake because she would have lost it if she saw me start to crack.

In the interest of keeping the original post as brief as possible, I never really did get into why I have recently thought of my marriage as a fake. During my sessions, my psychologist has me going back through times when my wife has become cold and distant. It was happening as far back as our dating days. If she wanted to take a trip to the Caribbean and I said we didn't have the money, she would turn cold and withhold all forms of affection for a month. No hugs; no I-love-yous; no dinners; and definitely no sex. If I didn't feel like going to see a movie that she wanted to, BAM! Off I went into the dog house.

It seems like I had been blocking out these memories until my psychologist dragged them out of me. If was about a week ago that I realized that her love for me was not unconditional. For our entire relationship, she has weaponized her affection for me. She withholds affection and sex as a punishment and I am absolutely sick of it.

Top all of this off with her possibly having two instances of infidelity during her miscarriage depression and dragging me and my life savings into a business venture I never wanted to be a part of, and I am slowly, but surely, starting to crack. I feel like I am rotting from the inside out. She used to be my home. Now, I dread walking into my house and seeing that face of hers, looking at me like I am what's wrong with this world.

It reminds of that children's book, "The Giving Tree". You give and give and give until you're nothing but a stump. All that's left is for some dude from the DPW to grind you up into mulch.

July 15, 2013

If she wanted to take a trip to the Caribbean and I said we didn't have the money, she would turn cold and withhold all forms of affection for a month. No hugs; no I-love-yous; no dinners; and definitely no sex. If I didn't feel like going to see a movie that she wanted to, BAM! Off I went into the dog house.

It seems like I had been blocking out these memories until my psychologist dragged them out of me. If was about a week ago that I realized that her love for me was not unconditional. For our entire relationship, she has weaponized her affection for me. She withholds affection and sex as a punishment and I am absolutely sick of it.

Top all of this off with her possibly having two instances of infidelity during her miscarriage depression and dragging me and my life savings into a business venture I never wanted to be a part of, and I am slowly, but surely, starting to crack. I feel like I am rotting from the inside out. She used to be my home. Now, I dread walking into my house and seeing that face of hers, looking at me like I am what's wrong with this world.

This certainly paints a different picture than your initial post.

Have you tried to talk to her about how she uses withholding affection as punishment? What does she say?

July 15, 2013

Have you tried to talk to her about how she uses withholding affection as punishment? What does she say?

With each day that passes, the more callous I become towards my marriage. The more callous I feel, the more and more I call her out on this crap. It's a daily occurrence for me to call her out for "punishing me".

Her replies vary from "I'm too tired" to "I just don't like you that much right now". And then she'll say something like "I'm not cooking. Get yourself something to eat". Typical weekday for me.

I don't know why I bother sometimes. I'm a good-looking cat. I have my ***** together. There's a million woman out there who wouldn't mind spending an evening with me. I don't know why I'm so afraid.

July 15, 2013

With each day that passes, the more callous I become towards my marriage. The more callous I feel, the more and more I call her out on this crap. It's a daily occurrence for me to call her out for "punishing me".

That certainly doesn't sound very attractive. Have you tried the opposite approach? Being kind and loving and flirty, like you were when you first started dating? Letting go of the anger and just having fun with her?

I don't know the dynamics of your marriage, but I know that it is not tempting to sleep with a man who is callous toward you and constantly "calls her out" on things.

I don't know why I bother sometimes. I'm a good-looking cat. I have my ***** together. There's a million woman out there who wouldn't mind spending an evening with me. I don't know why I'm so afraid.

But if you were trying to get one of those million women to sleep with you, how would you be treating them? And how does that differ from how you are treating your wife?

I am not saying she's an angel. I am sure she's done a lot to damage the marriage. But she isn't here asking for advice, and you don't control her side of things. You only control your actions.

Every thing you do and say either builds up or tears down your marriage. What have you done to build it up, and what have you done to tear it down? And most importantly, what can YOU do to disrupt the marriage's usual patterns and make something different happen?

July 16, 2013

This thread makes me really sad, for both you and your wife. It must be really difficult to deal with repeated miscarriage, and I can't even imagine what your wife, and yourself have been through.

From the picture you are painting of your wife, she is obviously very troubled and sometimes her mood gets taken out on you, sometimes unfairly, I'm sure.

You mentioned in your first post the you felt "pressured" to get married. Do you want to be married? Do you actually want a family?

I understand that you have been supportive of your wife through some really tough circumstances... have you been to counseling together? You said she had alot of support, but you didn't. Does your wife understand how this has affected you too? Did you deal with the loss of the pregnancies as a team? Kinda sounds from what you are saying that it each time was like "her" miscarriage, and you were just helping her. Did you not feel depressed yourself?

July 16, 2013

pteromom, you're probably right. My reactions are not helping the situation. I guess I'm just sick of having to hold it in. I'm rebelling against the situation. It's empowering in a strange way. Hopefully one day I can get this out of my system and move on, with or without her.

Million.to.1... Did I ever want to get married? It's complicated, I guess. I loved my wife very much and I was completely and totally committed to her. I just hate putting labels on relationships. I remember dating as a young man and having to dance around the labels. "Oh, we're just friends". "Oh, it's just casual sex". "We're dating". It confuses me. It seems to me that most relationships end when one person wants to put a label on the relationship that the other doesn't. "Oh, I asked her to be my girlfriend but she said she wants to keep it casual. Now she won't return my calls". In short, I guess I did want to get married at the time.

I can honestly say that right now, at this very moment, I no longer want a family. Hell, I'm leaning towards I don't want to be married anymore. I now realize that I probably should have never gotten married. I knew how she would get when we didn't see eye to eye on things. I knew how she would punish me. I guess external pressure, misguided love, and a lack of love for myself sent me down this road. Like I said before, part of me wants for it all to end, while the other part of me wants to break it off, live a simple life and enjoy just trying to figure it out all over again.

Did I feel depressed? Absolutely. Sometimes in life, you see things that can't be unseen. Those images of miscarriages haunt my mind. I had to internalize all of it for her sake. There was never any "team". At the time, what I thought I was doing was right. Now, the depression is hitting 100x harder than it probably would have if I was given the proper time to grieve. Four years is a really long time to constantly feel like ****.

I guess this is just one of those situations where there is no advice to give. It's one of those spiritual journeys one must take alone.

July 16, 2013

So sorry for what you're going through. I've definitely had a lot of low points like this in my marriage over the past year and many of the same feelings. It sounds like you both need to cool off...maybe even separate for a bit and decide what the next step should be.

July 16, 2013

My reactions are not helping the situation. I guess I'm just sick of having to hold it in. I'm rebelling against the situation. It's empowering in a strange way.

It's not empowering. It's self-destructive, and very destructive to your marriage.

Separating may not be a bad idea. You can both go to counseling (separately) and figure out how much of the negative feelings are due to the miscarriages and residual grief about that, and how much are truly about each other. Because all that crap is all tangled up, and it makes it difficult to even know how you really feel.

Your feelings about not wanting a family may just be due to the pain and not wanting to risk going through that pain again.

But you can't make life decisions based on fear.

You guys need a LOT of help. Whether you do it together or separately.

July 17, 2013

It's not empowering. It's self-destructive, and very destructive to your marriage.

Objectively, I understand what you are saying. I really do. It is destructive. But one can be a doormat only for so long.

I'm leaning towards just packing a bag and walking out and letting the chips fall where they may. I think the fact that I am ALWAYS there for her may have created a scenario where I am taken for granted. Let her have a taste of life without me. The vice versa has essentially been my life for the last four years.

Well, thank you all for the advice and for allowing me this cathartic outlet. Every little bit helps.

July 17, 2013

But one can be a doormat only for so long.

I'm leaning towards just packing a bag and walking out and letting the chips fall where they may.

Are those the only two choices though... to be a doormat, or to walk away completely?

Can you change your part in your marriage patterns?

I realize that you've let this fester so long that you just don't want to deal with it anymore, but you could be throwing away a potential beautiful marriage if you work through it instead.

However, leaving is kinder to your wife than just tightly holding your poison and injecting her with it now and then.

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Having marital issues after 5 years... I'm think I'm losing my mind

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