BreakOnThrough Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I have thought about this premise for a very long time and have yet to find an example of a relationship where both parties were perceived to hold an equal amount of power within a relationship. The dynamics are always interesting, and it can often be surmised within a short period time which person is "wearing the pants" within the relationship. I guess it is just more common that partnerships that last will usually mean that one person or the other has to "give in" to that other person and be submissive with that person? Or, is it more common that a "give and take" relationship exists where both parties benefit, although it appears that one person is dominant? Would you say that you are the "pleaser" or the "pleasee" in most of your relationships?
Philosoraptor Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 “You know it's never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.” I've always done a bit more, but I make sure to not accept less than I deserve.
Eve Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 In observing other relationships I have noted this dynamic. H and I both have different strengths and use them equally to the benefit of the other. It is pretty easy to use strengths against each other though or for one to wear the pants as such. H does think he is the smartest though and it is a long standing joke that I let him continue to think this. I put that down to testosterone. Take care, Eve x
Author BreakOnThrough Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 “You know it's never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.” I've always done a bit more, but I make sure to not accept less than I deserve. I think this is most true to life, one person is giving more than they are receiving. I guess when one falls below a certain threshold of not getting back, the relationship ends.
pink_sugar Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I for the most part am the pleasee, but I am fairly easy to please I would say. My husband isn't very assertive and I am the more assertive one, so I think this occurs naturally. My husband has little opinion about certain things.
Silly_Girl Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 My first relationship wasn't equal, he was besotted and I took the piss. My second relationship wasn't equal, he was a bully with a personality disorder, I was a victim/martyr. My third relationship wasn't equal, we were both madly, deeply in love and had a strong bond but his pre-existing relationship troubled me/hindered us and made me feel as though he had more power than me. My fourth relationship is totally equal. I haven't yet found that one has more rights/responsibility/power/anything than the other. It's beautiful. And incredibly rewarding.
Seductive Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Instead of saying "equal", I think a better term is "healthy." Some of the women I know refer to "equal relationships" as just being treated right, and not being treated like crap. The image that comes to mind is a man that treats a woman as if they're stuck in the dark ages. I agree that true equality is impossible, but respecting each other is possible.
Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Healthy and equal are different though. In some healthy relationships one person carries a much bigger burden than the other.
Els Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 It really depends on what exactly you're talking about when it comes to 'equal' - someone can be the pleaser in one aspect and the pleasee in another. IMO you can never truly determine 'equality' in a R, as one person's notion of it will not be the same as any other person's. As Seductive says, better to aim for healthy instead.
Pyro Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I honestly believe that there are equal relationships out there. They aren't the majority but they are out there. I myself am in one. Sometimes she gets her way and sometimes I get my way. In some aspects she is more knowledgable and in other aspects I am more knowledgeable. What exactly do you define being equal as? 1
Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I honestly believe that there are equal relationships out there. They aren't the majority but they are out there. I myself am in one. Sometimes she gets her way and sometimes I get my way. In some aspects she is more knowledgable and in other aspects I am more knowledgeable. What exactly do you define being equal as? I agree. And sometimes one of us takes the lead in big things that need doing, and sometimes it's the other person. Sometimes one of us seems more romantic/loving and then it will switch. 1
EasyHeart Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 All good relationships are equal. Each person takes the lead on some things and lets the other person take the lead on others. And one person may carry a heavier burden when the other is going through some difficulties, but over time it all evens out. If you find yourself in a situation where one person is the pleaser and the other is the pleasee, you're not in love, you're co-dependent. Get out and get help. 2
Got it Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I think there is a fluid give and take so that while "power" may adjust, in the big picture it ends up being equal. We have our own strengths and weaknesses so we will allow one of us to take the lead to the other when it best utilizes our toolbox. We are both assertive, Type A people, so neither one of us would do well always deferring. And everyone views equal and power distribution differently so a healthy relationship can be one that looks more traditional in nature but it plays to both side's strengths and are a dynamic that works best for those two individuals. For others it is more of a modern take, less on gender lines, playing to specific qualities that work for the two parties. I don't think one can look at a microcosm of a relationship, a short duration of time, and fairly assess if it is an equal distribution. You have to step back and give a fair assessment to see this. I think, more so, you need to assess the happiness/satisfaction of each party, their love bank, and make sure that everyone is satisfied with where theirs is at.
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