kareena Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past week or so and it lead me to a weird realization. I always thought that I missed MM dearly whenever he wasn't around,the previous NC attempts we had all failed miserably and I actually found myself to be very happy when we were back together. However,as I was reminiscing this time I realized that whenever I "missed" him,whenever I played a previous scene in my head it was always sexual. This time I'm not even thinking about the long deep conversations or the romantic getaways I'm not even thinking about him as a person. Could it be that I just miss the sex and this whole "true love drama" I've been living for the past 3 years was nothing more than a hormone driven attraction? Have any of you ever felt this way? I'm just trying to process whatever is going on and I thought of asking you wise people for insight,so what do you miss more the AP personally or the sex?
Goodbye Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 The sex is something I miss, but it isn't all of it. Part of my issue is that I'm a divorced middle-aged mom of 3...so when the relationship ended, I seriously wondered (and still do) if I'll ever have sex again. My exMM and I had a very passionate, romantic thing going. Hard to forget.
Author kareena Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 My exMM and I had a very passionate, romantic thing going. Hard to forget. I guess A's have that sort of effect, I felt the exact same way it was mind blowing and after reading so many stories on here there seems to be some sort of pattern. And it can't be the "excitement" as some people might argue because there's nothing exciting about being second to someone and all the heartbreak. I seriously do wonder what it might be.
fanine Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I am not sure if it is necessarily the sex, but having affection from someone. To feel good in someone's arms, to feel wanted. I have been doing a lot of thinking and maybe, it is not the xMM per se that was my addiction, the man I believe I truly love, it was the affection I would get from him. Is that what I miss when I go non-contact - feeling loved and wanted and cared by someone. Or do I actually miss him, the man he is? (he could be pretty ****ty at times to me, and I wonder why I put up with that too...just for the sake of a few crumbs of affection - which was better than having none at all?) 2
hippetyhop Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I miss the AP. We couldn't be physical as much as we would like to have been; but, the conversation was always good.
Pierre Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past week or so and it lead me to a weird realization. I always thought that I missed MM dearly whenever he wasn't around,the previous NC attempts we had all failed miserably and I actually found myself to be very happy when we were back together. However,as I was reminiscing this time I realized that whenever I "missed" him,whenever I played a previous scene in my head it was always sexual. This time I'm not even thinking about the long deep conversations or the romantic getaways I'm not even thinking about him as a person. Could it be that I just miss the sex and this whole "true love drama" I've been living for the past 3 years was nothing more than a hormone driven attraction? Have any of you ever felt this way? I'm just trying to process whatever is going on and I thought of asking you wise people for insight,so what do you miss more the AP personally or the sex? If it was only sex you would get over this very quickly. One can remember nice sex and not be bent out of shape as you are. If you fail NC this is not about sex. This is about addiction. Love is an addiction. 1
Pierre Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 to feel wanted. This is the addiction. Some people need to be loved and wanted. I see it here ALL the time.
fanine Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 This is the addiction. Some people need to be loved and wanted. I see it here ALL the time. I am sure that is the main thing with most of us. We are lacking that in our life and that is why it is so hard to let go. It was the best feeling in the world for me when my xMM would suddenly call out of the blue and say he wanted to see me - or any time really he initiated contact when I didn't expect it. It made my day. On the other hand the times he did not reply and I felt he was ignoring me, I felt like my world was about to end. Suddenly a fear inside I was not wanted after all. I am addicted to that with him - and the fact he is being so cold now makes me feel doubly unwanted. That is the biggest pain I am feeling at the moment. So of course I want to re-connect even more. Just so at least I feel it was not all a sham. But I also think that is part of his game....his way to try and get me to do that. He is quite clever at this. If he was sympathetic I reckon he feels I will stand my ground more.
Pierre Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I am sure that is the main thing with most of us. We are lacking that in our life and that is why it is so hard to let go. It was the best feeling in the world for me when my xMM would suddenly call out of the blue and say he wanted to see me - or any time really he initiated contact when I didn't expect it. It made my day. On the other hand the times he did not reply and I felt he was ignoring me, I felt like my world was about to end. Suddenly a fear inside I was not wanted after all. I am addicted to that with him - and the fact he is being so cold now makes me feel doubly unwanted. That is the biggest pain I am feeling at the moment. So of course I want to re-connect even more. Just so at least I feel it was not all a sham. But I also think that is part of his game....his way to try and get me to do that. He is quite clever at this. If he was sympathetic I reckon he feels I will stand my ground more. Don't worry, he loves you very much. But, you must accept that he is married. Move on. Do not medicate with sporadic contact. This is worse than strict NC.
hippetyhop Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Don't worry, he loves you very much. But, you must accept that he is married. Move on. Do not medicate with sporadic contact. This is worse than strict NC. That it is! I had to go NC on my best friend of 7 years and it was the hardest thing ever! I figured if I could go NC on my best friend of 7 years, then why not a guy of 10 months? yes, we had the physical and emotional connection..but still.
Author kareena Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 good insight,makes sense, fu*k everything,I just wana be normal,I hate him,but screw it all,if it was the sex i can always screw some other guy, he doesn't deserve me I'm out of his league to start with,too high to function,peace out.
Pierre Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 good insight,makes sense, fu*k everything,I just wana be normal,I hate him,but screw it all,if it was the sex i can always screw some other guy, he doesn't deserve me I'm out of his league to start with,too high to function,peace out. You were in love with the attention he paid you. And many MM know how to pay attention-------much better than single men.
Mycatsnuggles Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Karenna, Are you OK? Your last post seemed a little off and I was concerned about you. I've been in a 3 year affair also. I too wonder if its more about the amazing sex, it's hard to separate the feelings in the midst of the affair. Does it matter. You cared, he cared, the sex was good. It's a lot more then some have experienced in their life. I hope you are reaching out to someone for assistance. You sound like your in need. Please call someone.
Author kareena Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Karenna, Are you OK? Your last post seemed a little off and I was concerned about you. I've been in a 3 year affair also. I too wonder if its more about the amazing sex, it's hard to separate the feelings in the midst of the affair. Does it matter. You cared, he cared, the sex was good. It's a lot more then some have experienced in their life. I hope you are reaching out to someone for assistance. You sound like your in need. Please call someone. Allow me to apologize about that,I had had a few too many. I just don't know how to feel,I need an answer or an explanation. Maybe if I convince myself that it was just physical it would be easier to get over things? I don't know how to process this and I'm fluctuating,I just hate this feeling and I want it to go away.
fanine Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Allow me to apologize about that,I had had a few too many. I just don't know how to feel,I need an answer or an explanation. Maybe if I convince myself that it was just physical it would be easier to get over things? I don't know how to process this and I'm fluctuating,I just hate this feeling and I want it to go away. I think we all feel we need an answer. I certainly do. At the moment I am being made to feel he doesn't give a ****, that it meant nothing to him. After a year and a half I cannot believe that. But still it hurts so much he can be so cold and cruel about it all. I made my decision to tell him I could not continue with this situation, he has often said to me it is not fair on me. But he will not give me closure, he will not say okay, I understand, he is being cruel and making me feel like I am a bitch. I would not feel better if I convinced myself it was just physical - because if I felt that, i would feel like the last year and a half was a waste of my emotional energy and the love that I gave him. Which I believed he felt for me.
findingnemo Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 There is no "closure" except, I guess, one's acceptance that the matter is closed. Even if MM was really kind and understanding when you end it, even if he cried and said he knew it was the best thing to do, I think for many OWs, it would still be painful. When I ended the A, my xMM missed me and I missed him. For me, it was the companionship, knowing he was there for me (however complicated) and the sex. I simply didn't want to have sex with anyone else. For him it wasn't the sex. At least I don't believe so because he was having sex with his W. Also we didn't have sex often living in separate countries. Yet he kept calling me and still does once in while. Not all As are the same. There are some that are based on sex mainly. Maybe in those cases, the AP misses the sex. There are those in which the MM/MW is really "in love" in which case they miss the interaction with their "other". The fundamental problem that people in As have is knowing that what they did was bad and yet still having positive feelings for the "other". Most times it easier to suppress those feelings and act stoic. Have a stiff upper lip, so to speak. Men are very good at doing this, as are some women. I wouldn't take an AP's "I don't care" attitude seriously unless they are normally selfish.
fanine Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 There is no "closure" except, I guess, one's acceptance that the matter is closed. Even if MM was really kind and understanding when you end it, even if he cried and said he knew it was the best thing to do, I think for many OWs, it would still be painful. When I ended the A, my xMM missed me and I missed him. For me, it was the companionship, knowing he was there for me (however complicated) and the sex. I simply didn't want to have sex with anyone else. For him it wasn't the sex. At least I don't believe so because he was having sex with his W. Also we didn't have sex often living in separate countries. Yet he kept calling me and still does once in while. Not all As are the same. There are some that are based on sex mainly. Maybe in those cases, the AP misses the sex. There are those in which the MM/MW is really "in love" in which case they miss the interaction with their "other". The fundamental problem that people in As have is knowing that what they did was bad and yet still having positive feelings for the "other". Most times it easier to suppress those feelings and act stoic. Have a stiff upper lip, so to speak. Men are very good at doing this, as are some women. I wouldn't take an AP's "I don't care" attitude seriously unless they are normally selfish. I know mine was not sex, we shared so much other than that, and it is not like every time we met we would just be in bed and then he would leave. We shared so many interests, we would talk and find out we were both watching the same programme on TV - when there is a choice of 80 odd channels. We would often find one of us was thinking something and then the other would mention the same thing. I didn't want to have sex with anyone else - I don't want to now. I could have during the time we were together as there were periods when he was away for extended times or we had broken up for a while. My heart was with him - and I guess will be for a while. I miss the interaction so much. We could talk and talk for hours. but so many of those talks were also about things we wanted to do together in the future - things that never happened at all months down the lines - and things in the back of my mind I used to think 'well yes it all sounds great, but how are we going to do this when you have a wife and kids at home?" We talked about going abroad to work for a while, places we wanted to visit together, a business we would set up together.....yet when he was at home it was hard enough for him to find time away from the family to meet with me 5 minutes down the road at times. I am very sad and I find it so hard not to burst out crying at work or travelling - I keep a stiff upper lip and 99 percent of people don't know how much I am hurting inside.... 2
Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 With my xMM it was way more than sex. I missed him terribly. I would have had a relationship with him without sex (though not my preference), but would not have had one that was only sex. The banter, companionship, affection, care, friendship, love etc etc. When I split up with my xSO though, I really didn't like him by the end but had to admit I missed the sex because it became our foundation and so we had to get good at making up else we'd have split up long before (I so wish we had!).
threelaurels Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I think there are very few relationships that are really just about sex. Even prostitutes form emotional connections with their regular clients and often adopt a therapist-type role. I think most MP end up missing the whole package, not just the sex or the friendship. I think your relationship with MM was more than a hormone-driven attraction, but the intensity of those hormones makes the A more difficult to let go. Affairs have an addictive element for many people because the relationship never gets past the honeymoon stage. The emotional high commonly found at the beginning of a relationship fades with time in monogamous relationships. However, in an A, it never really dies because of the time the APs spend apart. The fantasizing and longing for the AP while apart only intensifies emotions and fuels the emotional high. With the AP, that high will always be there, and it is difficult to consciously make a decision to let go of that feeling. In this sense, an A is similar to an addiction.
Pierre Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 It is very similar to an addiction. Brain scans show that the brain looks very similar to the brain of a cocaine addict. NC is the best treatment. Periodic contact to get more closure can make the symptoms worse for some. 1
hippetyhop Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I miss the friendship most of all. That I do as well! I went NC on an ex boyfriend last year. I had no intentions of talking to him again..he reached out to me, and we began talking. I told him I have no desire to have a physical relationship with him again. He understood that and our friendship is back. He's actually been helping me with this. But, with this one, I'm not sure if I could ever be just friends. 1
fanine Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 It is very similar to an addiction. Brain scans show that the brain looks very similar to the brain of a cocaine addict. NC is the best treatment. Periodic contact to get more closure can make the symptoms worse for some. I am trying to go NC. (Like I have before - ha!) Final time we had contact he was very cold - but I guess that too is his way of dealing with it - and maybe he thinks it is the best way for me to move on from him. I don't know. (even though he always told me the situation was not fair on me and that we had just met at the wrong time) But he has left his most precious drums at my house. He knows he could get a mutual friend to pick them up. But he hasn't. He goes away on Thursday for ten days. I am sure he wants to keep them at my place during that time. I do not want to start telling mutual friends the score (these mutual friends do know he is married and do know I was his girlfriend) We used to hang out all the time. They were his friends first, so I do not feel it is my position to say anything to them, that I have told him it is over. So I do not want to ask one of them to collect his stuff. These drums are too big for me to just carry out onto the street and I do not want to trash them or throw them in the rubbish. I am not that kind of person and to me that would feel vindictive. I dont really know what to do...
Summer Breeze Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 It wasn't the sex with us. We were intimate in a lot of ways. The sex was great but we had times when we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks and ended up sitting with some wine talking all night and falling asleep together. It was a part of our R but it didn't define it. 1
hippetyhop Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I am trying to go NC. (Like I have before - ha!) Final time we had contact he was very cold - but I guess that too is his way of dealing with it - and maybe he thinks it is the best way for me to move on from him. I don't know. (even though he always told me the situation was not fair on me and that we had just met at the wrong time) But he has left his most precious drums at my house. He knows he could get a mutual friend to pick them up. But he hasn't. He goes away on Thursday for ten days. I am sure he wants to keep them at my place during that time. I do not want to start telling mutual friends the score (these mutual friends do know he is married and do know I was his girlfriend) We used to hang out all the time. They were his friends first, so I do not feel it is my position to say anything to them, that I have told him it is over. So I do not want to ask one of them to collect his stuff. These drums are too big for me to just carry out onto the street and I do not want to trash them or throw them in the rubbish. I am not that kind of person and to me that would feel vindictive. I dont really know what to do... Just give them to a mutual friend and have it be done and over with. It'll be best for you in the long run.
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