She needs time to work on herself and our story

[Babolat]

For those of you that know my story (just search all my posts if you do not), I spent 12 months in a relationship with an amazing woman I fell in love with. She was truly the first woman I ever felt "in love" with and felt her love back. I had two LTRs before hr, both marriages that ended in divorce. I was never affectionate or very loving in those LTRs, whith her, wow, I was a different man. I was very affectionate and found that I craved afection from her too. I felt like I wanted to take care of her, and still do actually.

 

We had lifestyle differences that caused me to finally break up with her; though it was mutual when I did break up as she was tired of feeling judged and always worrying about how I would feel if she went out or even had one drink. She also felt like I was detached from the relationship, which was true. She was binge drinking a lot, partying more than me, smokes pot from time to time, and it upset and bothered me. She never cheated, did anything wrong and I always trusted her. It just made me uncomfortable. It was simply a difference in us, one I could not understand or get comfoirtable with.

 

We went NC for 3 weeks, then she reached out to me saying she missed me and I was her best friend. She was not asking for us to get back together, she said she simply missed our friendship. We saw each other a couple of times over the next few weeks, I tried to go back to NC, but could not. Eventually, about 4 weeks ago, after a weekend together, I did go NC, though I did not tell her I was. After about a week I sent her a text explaining why I was going NC, that I needed to heal, and why she had not heard from me. She replied that she understood. That turned into a week of texting about her changing, where she is in her life now, where I am, how we both felt in the relationship, what hurt and upset us, which turned into us meeting this weekend.

 

We talked a little then ended up spending the weekend together. We both agreed we really enjoyed being together again,,,we went right back to being natural, as if we were dating again. Holding hands, touching, laughing, I even almost introduced her a few times to folks as my GF.

 

I could see a different woman and can tell she is making changes: drinking less, partying less, smoking less pot, trying to quit smoking (she only smokes when she drinks), taking better care of herself, focusing on her career, spending time with her friends, etc.

 

She told me many times she was sorry for putting me through what she did. She was going through a lot of life transitions when we met, which I mostly knew. One of which was trying to come off heavy doses of anti-anxiety medication as she has issues with anxiety and panic attacks. Another one was moving back into her hometown after being away for 5+ years in her last relationship, and reconnecting with all of her friends. Reconnecting meant drinking and partying as that is what she did with these friends prior. She states though she still sees some of these friends, it's now 2-3 drinks and she stops.

 

She feels coming off the medication was a major contributor to her drinking too.

 

We went out one night and drank. I noticed a big difference in her right away (I actually saw this 4 weeks prior as we went out one night then too), she paced herslef, she drank water in between (which she never did before) and after 3 glasses of wine she stopped. Instead of hitting a bar on the way home, she wanted to go home, go to bed, before midnight! We shared a drink once back at my place, she smoked one cigarette instead of her usual 3-4, then we went to bed. I was amazed.

 

Long story short....things ended yesterday with her stating she needs more time by herself, to continue to work on herself, that she cannot do it if she is dating me, or dating anyone for that matter. I was shocked to hear her say this as I never expected her to get to this point; pleasantly shocked though. This is a woman who adores me, who loves me like crazy, who over the past 3 months has made attempts to get us back together, now telling me she realizes she needs more time alone, to continue to work on herself, and to prove to herself she can do it alone. And it was sincere and genuine; I saw it, I felt it.

 

I had no expectations from us getting together. As the day was winding down yesterday I was thinking "now what?". I too feel I am not ready to try again and she does need to do this on her own. We talked about no contact, and she said we should not see each other, which hurts. We talked about texting and she said she did not know, and I agreed. She said we are a match, we are best friends, how much I mean to her in her life, and I agree, that the timing is just off.

 

I have been mucking around with various other woman, 2-3, no romance, just hanging out with them, trying to be friends. I now realize I think I have some work to do, on my own, without the attention from other woman. One I am not sure of as I have developed a good friendship with her so I need to think about that. She actually met my ex gf 4 weeks ago. My ex gf tried to talk to her and sensed she did not want to; she said as a a woman I could sense she likes you. I told her it's probably because I have talked to her a lot about us and she may be concerned for me seeing you again.

 

This is hard, difficult, as I have never been here before. We both agreed we have never ended a relationship like this, where it was amicable, no fighting, no arguing, no real reason other than just a difference; and now the difference is getting less, though we are both relecutant to go forward with each other.

 

Has anyone else ever been here before? A great relationship that ended not because of the usual stuff, cheating, arguing, fighting, etc...where you both admit you are best friends, the timing was not right for one, or both, and now it's like "what now?".

 

I am soooo proud of her for working on herself and having the strength and courage to walk away now, knowing she has more to do. We both cried and cried, hugged, and I could tell she did not want toleave, though she said "I have to go", and she did. I am a little embarassed with myself, as I have shown some interest in other woman, probably out of insecurity, fears, and I too know I have some work to do, alone, yet I do not know if I have the strenght and courage she does..I hoep I can and do.

 

I guees what's on my mind is "if and when" for us. If there is NC, how do we both know "when"?". Should we keep in touch if you will as a "progress check". Will time just cause us both to move on? Wiil we both wake up one day and realize "now is the tme?", or not.

 

Thanks

[Ruby Slippers]

Hello, my conservative friend

 

My conservative guy and I are still facing off, throwing down, and loving it up in our relationship. As you know, I relate to a lot of what you've shared about yours.

 

I only have a minute now, but will be back with more thoughts later...

[Babolat]

Thanks NP, and I hear you.

 

I would not call the weekend amazing; it was just good to spend time with her again. Doing less of what made me uncomfortable, mostly drinking, is really all I ever wanted her to change (and I never asked her to change). I never asked her to stop nor would I want her to stop. Regarding pot, she stated this weekend she is not smoking as much as she was and plans to cut back even more. She does not buy pot; only smokes it if offered and she wants to. I am curious myself about pot and but for my job I would probably try it again (did some in my early 20s).

 

I agree, old dogs don't quit their habits that quickly; which is what she is basically telling me, she needs time alone to do this. She did not dangle a carrot in front of me this weekend. She came to talk, I agreed, that turned into affection and spending time together. It's not like she brought a bag with a change of clothes for the weekend. I pursued her more than she persued me in fact. I asked her to stay and spend time with me. She was guarded about it I could tell.

 

She is not asking for a relationship or to start dating again; quite the opposite. She surprised me with her comments at the end of the day. I invited her to stay for dinner and she said she wanted to, it would be great, but she could not as it would be too confusing. She left stating she could not see me right now and she needed to continue to work on herself by herself; not with me in her life. She even said NC. She even said she is afraid to lose me, but has to take that chance as she works on herself.

 

This was not an act as I know this woman very well. And she has no reason to act for me. She was moving on, even had a date last week.

 

My concern is it may feel well and good for her now, but she needs time to make sure "it sticks" before her and I even consider trying again...and that was her message to me.

 

Her partying friends are all woman, GFs from high school, 20+ year relationships, except for one of her male best friends who comes into town a few times a year. She even volunteered she has tempered that down.

Edited July 15, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Hello, my conservative friend

 

My conservative guy and I are still facing off, throwing down, and loving it up in our relationship. As you know, I relate to a lot of what you've shared about yours.

 

I only have a minute now, but will be back with more thoughts later...

 

Hey Ruby, yes, I relate to you as well and I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

 

She met one of my good female friends 4 weeks ago, someone who knows me well, knows my story with the ex well. My friend is kind of psychic, can read people very well. She told me then she felt that my ex was going through a lot of changes, changes she wants to make in her life, that she is a wonderful, warm, caring beautiful person, she could sees how much she likes me and how much I like her. My friend has been telling me she needs times, time to figure it out and time to work on herself by herself. When I shared my conversation with her this m orning over IM she was very happy to hear it.

[KungFuJoe]

Tough situation, my friend.

 

I can relate a lot to your stories as your ex sounds a lot like my wife in that they're very attractive, confident, and love to party...and that there's this enormous emotional and sexual connection. I think I mentioned it before, but if she's in her 40s and still partying, that means she genuinely loves it and isn't doing it just to hook up or get attention. I know my wife will still be partying, getting drunk, smoking out and doing a bunch of stupid **** when she's in her 40s (she's 37 now)...but the main difference is that, so will I. We both love the lifestyle and we do it together (as we have since we were in our 20s). There is rarely a time when one of us goes out without the other, and even if it does, neither of us ever does anything to cause any trust issues, such as spending the night somewhere else.

 

I know another couple where the guy doesn't drink and the girl does...they've been together 6 years (they are in their early 20s) and it's starting to cause a rift in their relationship because we all go out and drink and get drunk and he's the designated driver who gets to clean up his car when his gf pukes all over the inside of it.

 

I think lifestyles DO have to match in order to make something work in the long run.

[Babolat]

Something interesting did happen with us this weekend. While looking for something under my bed I found a pair of panties, very dusty so they had been there a while. I assumed they were hers, cleaned them off and left them on the bed (she was in the shower). I got into the shower and she said "these are not mine, not my style, size or brand". She had a laughter to her voice, like it was funny to her. I immediately expected an attack from her like "who do these belong to", "who have you slept with since me"....jealousy/insecure type comments.

 

Nothing, she simply said not mine, kind of laughed it off and nothing else. I found myself wanting to say more, like to defend myself, but I stopped. I think they belong to a girl I dated about a year before her (guess I do not look under my bed that often!). I thought to myself "how cool is she, most woman would have flipped out, but she did not".

 

It brought back a memory once from when we were dating, she texted me stating she found a pair of my boxers in her wash. When she described them I knew they were not mine, and I flipped out (not with her, with myself). After a bit she realized they were her friends husbands (where she was living at the time, with her friend and husband). She was excited to tell me she had my boxers, as she liked to sleep in my boxers, and how she was thinking about me; all I could think about was she was cheating on me.

 

This woman is as honest as they come, not jealous, not insecure. She is who she is and does not pretend to be anything else. This weekend was her being honest with herself, with me, etc.

 

I think she came into it the same way I did, no expectations, she wanted to talk as we had been texting all week about us now and then, and it turned into more, which confused her, and me too. We both wanted more this weekend, it felt natural, so we just followed it.

 

I think she realized, once back at my house at the end of the day, she has to keep doing her "work" on her own, not feeling judged, not worrying about being in a relationship at the same time, not owrrying about what I will think, etc.

[KungFuJoe]

I'm a bit confused. Just what does she have to work on again?

[Babolat]

Tough situation, my friend.

 

I can relate a lot to your stories as your ex sounds a lot like my wife in that they're very attractive, confident, and love to party...and that there's this enormous emotional and sexual connection. I think I mentioned it before, but if she's in her 40s and still partying, that means she genuinely loves it and isn't doing it just to hook up or get attention. I know my wife will still be partying, getting drunk, smoking out and doing a bunch of stupid **** when she's in her 40s (she's 37 now)...but the main difference is that, so will I. We both love the lifestyle and we do it together (as we have since we were in our 20s). There is rarely a time when one of us goes out without the other, and even if it does, neither of us ever does anything to cause any trust issues, such as spending the night somewhere else.

 

I know another couple where the guy doesn't drink and the girl does...they've been together 6 years (they are in their early 20s) and it's starting to cause a rift in their relationship because we all go out and drink and get drunk and he's the designated driver who gets to clean up his car when his gf pukes all over the inside of it.

 

I think lifestyles DO have to match in order to make something work in the long run.

 

Thanks, I have always valued your opinion, comments and feedback.

 

What I don't know is are we closer in our lifestyle now then we were before. We both talked about this and we are both scared to find out. She does not want to feel judged or have to worry about what I am thinking; I don't want to go thru the anxiety again. She states she is not spending the night with the male friend, that she realizes how that comes across to me, that she is tempering that down.

 

It's funny as all week her texts were what she is doing, what she has changed, what her drinking and going out lifestyle are like now, am I OK with that? Then suddenly, within about 30 minutes before she left it changed to "We can't see each other, I have to do this alone".

 

She has slowed down a lot, I can see it and feel it in her energy and her words. She always told me while we were dating she had no plans to continue that lifestyle her whole life, that she was slowly making changes, but for her, and she had made a lot of changes even before meeting me.

 

I have some work to do too as during our recent break, guess what I was doing? Going out and drinking with my friends. One week I went out 5 nights in a row.

 

And I guess my post really isn't about her changes, her lifestyle, it's more about has anyone been here before, where the two of you have that connection, there is a block, an impediment, though, both have recognized it, changes are taking place but you know you have to do it on your own, without being together.

 

I have read some articles that suggest if both of you really want it to work you will work on it together. She mentioned that this weekend. I can see she is struggling (and so am I) with us, this, what's the best thing to do, etc.

[Babolat]

I'm a bit confused. Just what does she have to work on again?

 

Per her, not drinking as much, not smoking as much pot, partying less, tempering her partying as she put it. She has done all of this on her own since our break up because she wants to, not for me. I see that and believe it.

[KungFuJoe]

Per her, not drinking as much, not smoking as much pot, partying less, tempering her partying as she put it. She has done all of this on her own since our break up because she wants to, not for me. I see that and believe it.

 

I don't see anything wrong with any of that as long as it doesn't keep her from her life responsibilities.

 

I'm a bit concerned that's she's trying to change herself because of you and not because she really needs to.

 

That never lasts nor is it fair for her.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't see anything wrong with any of that as long as it doesn't keep her from her life responsibilities.

 

I'm a bit concerned that's she's trying to change herself because of you and not because she really needs to.

 

That never lasts nor is it fair for her.

 

I agree with this. If she is changing because of you, not only is that not going to last, but she will soon feel stifled and start resenting you.

 

What is her life like otherwise? Does she have a job, place to live, is she healthy?

[Babolat]

I agree with this. If she is changing because of you, not only is that not going to last, but she will soon feel stifled and start resenting you.

 

What is her life like otherwise? Does she have a job, place to live, is she healthy?

She is not changing for me, and I believe that. I can tell this is something that is important to her. And she is not stopping; she is quick to tell me she still likes to go out with her friends for a couple of drinks or go over to their house for a couple of drinks, and will.

 

From her comments from when we were dating, I think she was feeling stifled and start to rebel a bit.

 

When the topic came up while we were dating she would tell me "I am getting emotionally invested in our relationship, if this is a real issue for you you need to tell me now". I kept trying to deal with it and would say "No, it's not" or just not reply. She would also say "I have made a lot of changes in my life, I have plans to change more and will, but only for me, not for you".

 

She has a job (it's in sales, which means a lot of week night networking events, where folks drink. She will have 1 - 3 glasses of wine then), lives in an apartment with her daughter, healthy and I can tell even healthier now. She is workng out, taking supplements, focuing more on her diet and her health (she always did just more now I can tell).

 

The more I think on this, I think she is happy not having to worry about our relationship, feeling judged (and she tells me she knows I was not judging her,), worrying about what I was thinking, working on herself because she wants to, at her pace, and is afraid to feel the way she felt in our relationship. And I feel the same too. She said a few times this weekend she doesn't think she should be dating right now while she is making theses changes and working on herself.

[Babolat]

I don't see anything wrong with any of that as long as it doesn't keep her from her life responsibilities.

 

I have never seen anything in her that is irresponsible, other than my opinion of when she drank heavy. Even then, she drank responsibility, never drove, made sure she had a place to stay if she drank too much or got a cab.

[KungFuJoe]

You keep saying she doesn't want to feel judged.

 

I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't give a rat's ass who's judging you but out of curiosity, who is she referring to when she says that. Who exactly is judging her...

 

Could it be you?

[Babolat]

You keep saying she doesn't want to feel judged.

 

I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't give a rat's ass who's judging you but out of curiosity, who is she referring to when she says that. Who exactly is judging her...

 

Could it be you?

 

Yes, she is referring to me. She said, even though she knows I tried hard to not judge her and I did not want to judge her, she felt judged when we were dating when it came to her drinking and lifestyle choices.

 

She knows it was her own feeling, she did it to herself, though looking back, thinking about some of my comments, questions, the looks I would give her when she was drinking, yeah, I probably was judging her.

 

Back to her health, she struggles with anxiety, as do I, and she has severe panic attacks(I do not). She cannot leave her apartment sometimes; they are that bad. She has been doing a lot of research over the past few months on better ways to deal with it; various supplements, exercising more, etc, versus the heavy medications she was on.

 

She also now knows from her research it was these medications coupled with drinking that was causing her to black out while we were dating.

 

She is off these meds, she says she needs more time off of them, being alone, feeling good. She says it's hard to be off of them and she is tempted to take them still; so far she has not.

 

It's been 3.5 months since we broke up. I get where she is; and I am there too with us: That is not a lot of time for these kind of life changes. I am glad she recognizes this on her own.

[Eternal Sunshine]

She could be self medicating with alcohol and pot, once she stopped the medication. Both have an anti anxiety effect.

 

I still think you are both better off finding somebody that's on the same lifestyle wavelength.

[KungFuJoe]

Agree with ES in that your lifestyles differences are too different.

 

Also, the medication she is under does add a bit of a "risk" factor if she's also drinking and smoking out.

 

She sounds like a good girl and you sound like a caring person, but I think you can find more "complete" happiness elsewhere. Both of you.

[Ruby Slippers]

You and this woman obviously love each other. As my man and I do. Everybody can see that we care deeply for each other - and that we have our differences and are wrestling over control, then vibing beautifully every time one of us has the grace to surrender control and trust the other person.

 

My suggestion recently was that we let the relationship be what it is, instead of trying to mold it into some idea that either of us has in our head. I’m probably more guilty of doing that than he is.

 

People on this forum will tell you that you're too different and it will never work. This forum has a wide streak of darkness running through it. A lot of bitter, hurt, lonely people hang out here. I was one of them myself for a while - but I'm getting over that now. So I spend less time here, as it tends to get polluted with a lot of dark thinking and I don’t need to get sucked back into that self-defeating vortex of doubt!

 

I agree with some simple advice a good friend of mine gave me: if the love is real, nothing will come between it – not religion, personality, politics, family background, whatever. Every time my boyfriend and I have a heavy discussion about our differences and even begin to consider splitting up again (I broke up with him at the beginning of the year, attributing my decision to differences too big to reconcile) – we just can’t do it, don’t want to do it.

 

In spite of our differences, we agree, over and over, that we are much happier when we are part of each other’s life than when we are not. We both want it to work. The question we have to keep asking ourselves is: can I be gracious enough to really love and understand this strange creature? When we both do that, it’s amazing. Of course, it’s not easy to be loving and gracious all the time. Sometimes we get tired, lazy, selfish. But let me tell you, when you can manage to rise to your higher nature like that, it’s a beautiful place to be. It’s almost a holy place, angelic.

 

He brings out the courageous fighter in me. My feelings for him demand that I shake off my own self-defeating negativity, let the ego melt away, and communicate and love him openly, fearlessly, with an open heart. We just keep cracking each other open more and more.

 

We just spent a gorgeous day at the beach – something he’d never even done before we were together. For him before, lazing away an afternoon at the beach was too dirty, too chaotic, too silly, too strange. He’s serious, pragmatic, hard-working. He thinks grown men who play video games on the train on the way to work are like kids. “These are grown-ass men wasting their time. They should be reading a book or doing something productive.” Yet he obviously needs to seriously relax!! He tells me he’s never had so much fun and relaxed so deeply as when we’re together, he feels 20 years younger, his idealistic dreams from youth are coming back to him. At the same time, he inspires me to grow up and get serious about building a good life for myself. He advises me on my business, brilliantly, and without asking anything in return.

 

He seemed to have the time of his life on the beach this weekend – as did I. Somehow we just belonged together there. It felt like we’d been to that radiant day on the beach a thousand times through a thousand lifetimes, and it would never end

 

We came home that night and he blew me away in bed, even suggesting I toke up beforehand to enhance the sensations. I said I didn’t need it, but it was gracious that he suggested it. He’s telling me he loves me as I am – crazy, wild, fun, emotional, sometimes a hot mess. Even “on drugs” he accepts and loves me. Now he’s smoking cigars to be wild in his own way, and I sit and take a few puffs, as we talk about deeper things, or just sit in silence and enjoy the night.

 

I went all traditional on him last week and whipped him up a big feast of home-cooked food while he had a lot of work to do in the evening. Later, he griped at me for playing my music and singing loudly in the kitchen while he was on an international call in the other room. But then he ate the feast, raved over my cooking, and said he forgave me for being wild in the kitchen. haha

 

As for change...

 

My boyfriend and I are both willingly adapting – because we feel that the other person fulfills some deep needs within us, that go much deeper than those superficial habits and tendencies we can choose to adapt.

 

He came right out and OFFERED to change for me, to try being more emotionally effusive and all that stuff my girly heart desires. But I said I don’t want him to change, I like him the way he is – I just want us to be able to understand each other, so we don’t take the differences personally or misintepret them.

 

One of my toker friends accused me of “changing” because I smoke less now that I’m with my boyfriend. I don’t think I’m changing – I’m changing habits, something I do all the time. My friend seems to define himself by his weed habit. To me, it’s not part of who I am – it’s a soothing vice, like junk food or a long, luxurious bubble bath, one that can change. I’m very adaptable, and I think it’s a strength. Sometimes I change my work habits when I need to work my ass off. Sometimes I change my exercise and nutrition habits when I want to get in better shape. Every way that I’m changing or adapting to have a more harmonious relationship with my guy feels positive and good for me.

 

I’d been wanting to cut back on my smoking for a while – I was just being lazy and weak, and didn’t have a good reason to cut back. When I’m with him, since he’s “straight”, my desire to smoke is naturally low. He wants to try it for me, but he’s looking for a better job right now and doesn’t want any drug testing results to stand in his way – very responsible of him. I do it sometimes when he’s around – the day we went to the beach, for example – but not all the time. So being with him is giving me natural motivation to decrease my usage, which I see as nothing but positive. He has never forbid it, and I would never allow that. I wish my friend had given me more credit than to just assume I was being strongarmed by him. Nobody makes me do anything I don’t want to do. If I change or adapt, it’s because I want to.

 

Positive change usually isn’t easy. But it’s always worth the effort.

 

My advice, Babolat, is to be her friend right now. That’s what she’s asking for. Don’t stop dating and doing your own thing if that’s what you want. If you’re content with being her friend and not dating others, enjoy. If your romantic, emotional, and sexual needs aren’t met with just friendship, find a romantic/emotional/sexual partner and continue being her friend if you can.

 

I told my man recently that if we don’t make sense romantically, emotionally, sexually, we can still make sense platonically – on another level of the mind, the spirit, the soul. Good friends that you really care about are a blessing.

 

When he and I got back together, we started off with a friendly, sweet vibe. He even suggested we take our time getting sexual again so we could focus on the connection and feelings without all the sex chemicals clouding our thinking.

 

If this is real and meant to be, just being friends for a while won’t hurt, and could very well help. No matter what form your relationship takes, it's a blessing in any form.

[Babolat]

She could be self medicating with alcohol and pot, once she stopped the medication. Both have an anti anxiety effect.

 

This is exactly what she has been saying to me over the past week, and this weekend.

 

I still think you are both better off finding somebody that's on the same lifestyle wavelength.

 

I don't disagree.

 

What's on my mind is are we closer at this point with where she is, and/or could be in the future, seeing how important this is to her personally, could we work? The "drinking" her I have done (be it only 2 times in 5 weeks) together since our breakup is on the same wavelength.

 

And I myself, like to go out and drink, or go over to a friends house and have a few drinks. Maybe we are closer, and could be closer in the future...I don't know.

 

She has honestly surprised me with all of the changes she has made and still wants to make. Even though she talked about this while we were dating, I never really saw it coming, or believed it.

 

I painted a pretty horrible picuture of her in my past posts.

 

In the past 5 weeks we have hung out on 2 occassions; on both occassions she met some friends of mine she has never met; ones I talked to a lot about her and I; ones I am close to. All of them commented how much they liked her, that she is a wonderful person, that they really like her. And, we were not drinking heavy either so they saw her. This past weekend, she actually stopped drinking before I did; she started drinking water, which I have never seen before; and she suggested going home first. She stopped at 3 glasses of wine; which is what she has been telling me over the past 3 weeks; that she knows her limit is 1 - 3 glasses.

 

When we got back to my place she said "I want one cigarette an I need some alcohol to drink with it". I had an unopened bottle of wine; she did not want to open it just for that; in the past she would without hesitation. In the past, these moments usually turned into 3-4 more drinks and 3-4 cigarettes. I was perfectly OK with her this weekend.

 

She is impeccable with her word; I am starting to see that more and more.

[Babolat]

You and this woman obviously love each other. As my man and I do. Everybody can see that we care deeply for each other - and that we have our differences and are wrestling over control, then vibing beautifully every time one of us has the grace to surrender control and trust the other person.

 

My suggestion recently was that we let the relationship be what it is, instead of trying to mold it into some idea that either of us has in our head. I’m probably more guilty of doing that than he is.

 

People on this forum will tell you that you're too different and it will never work. This forum has a wide streak of darkness running through it. A lot of bitter, hurt, lonely people hang out here. I was one of them myself for a while - but I'm getting over that now. So I spend less time here, as it tends to get polluted with a lot of dark thinking and I don’t need to get sucked back into that self-defeating vortex of doubt!

 

I agree with some simple advice a good friend of mine gave me: if the love is real, nothing will come between it – not religion, personality, politics, family background, whatever. Every time my boyfriend and I have a heavy discussion about our differences and even begin to consider splitting up again (I broke up with him at the beginning of the year, attributing my decision to differences too big to reconcile) – we just can’t do it, don’t want to do it.

 

In spite of our differences, we agree, over and over, that we are much happier when we are part of each other’s life than when we are not. We both want it to work. The question we have to keep asking ourselves is: can I be gracious enough to really love and understand this strange creature? When we both do that, it’s amazing. Of course, it’s not easy to be loving and gracious all the time. Sometimes we get tired, lazy, selfish. But let me tell you, when you can manage to rise to your higher nature like that, it’s a beautiful place to be. It’s almost a holy place, angelic.

 

He brings out the courageous fighter in me. My feelings for him demand that I shake off my own self-defeating negativity, let the ego melt away, and communicate and love him openly, fearlessly, with an open heart. We just keep cracking each other open more and more.

 

We just spent a gorgeous day at the beach – something he’d never even done before we were together. For him before, lazing away an afternoon at the beach was too dirty, too chaotic, too silly, too strange. He’s serious, pragmatic, hard-working. He thinks grown men who play video games on the train on the way to work are like kids. “These are grown-ass men wasting their time. They should be reading a book or doing something productive.” Yet he obviously needs to seriously relax!! He tells me he’s never had so much fun and relaxed so deeply as when we’re together, he feels 20 years younger, his idealistic dreams from youth are coming back to him. At the same time, he inspires me to grow up and get serious about building a good life for myself. He advises me on my business, brilliantly, and without asking anything in return.

 

He seemed to have the time of his life on the beach this weekend – as did I. Somehow we just belonged together there. It felt like we’d been to that radiant day on the beach a thousand times through a thousand lifetimes, and it would never end

 

We came home that night and he blew me away in bed, even suggesting I toke up beforehand to enhance the sensations. I said I didn’t need it, but it was gracious that he suggested it. He’s telling me he loves me as I am – crazy, wild, fun, emotional, sometimes a hot mess. Even “on drugs” he accepts and loves me. Now he’s smoking cigars to be wild in his own way, and I sit and take a few puffs, as we talk about deeper things, or just sit in silence and enjoy the night.

 

I went all traditional on him last week and whipped him up a big feast of home-cooked food while he had a lot of work to do in the evening. Later, he griped at me for playing my music and singing loudly in the kitchen while he was on an international call in the other room. But then he ate the feast, raved over my cooking, and said he forgave me for being wild in the kitchen. haha

 

As for change...

 

My boyfriend and I are both willingly adapting – because we feel that the other person fulfills some deep needs within us, that go much deeper than those superficial habits and tendencies we can choose to adapt.

 

He came right out and OFFERED to change for me, to try being more emotionally effusive and all that stuff my girly heart desires. But I said I don’t want him to change, I like him the way he is – I just want us to be able to understand each other, so we don’t take the differences personally or misintepret them.

 

One of my toker friends accused me of “changing” because I smoke less now that I’m with my boyfriend. I don’t think I’m changing – I’m changing habits, something I do all the time. My friend seems to define himself by his weed habit. To me, it’s not part of who I am – it’s a soothing vice, like junk food or a long, luxurious bubble bath, one that can change. I’m very adaptable, and I think it’s a strength. Sometimes I change my work habits when I need to work my ass off. Sometimes I change my exercise and nutrition habits when I want to get in better shape. Every way that I’m changing or adapting to have a more harmonious relationship with my guy feels positive and good for me.

 

I’d been wanting to cut back on my smoking for a while – I was just being lazy and weak, and didn’t have a good reason to cut back. When I’m with him, since he’s “straight”, my desire to smoke is naturally low. He wants to try it for me, but he’s looking for a better job right now and doesn’t want any drug testing results to stand in his way – very responsible of him. I do it sometimes when he’s around – the day we went to the beach, for example – but not all the time. So being with him is giving me natural motivation to decrease my usage, which I see as nothing but positive. He has never forbid it, and I would never allow that. I wish my friend had given me more credit than to just assume I was being strongarmed by him. Nobody makes me do anything I don’t want to do. If I change or adapt, it’s because I want to.

 

Positive change usually isn’t easy. But it’s always worth the effort.

 

My advice, Babolat, is to be her friend right now. That’s what she’s asking for. Don’t stop dating and doing your own thing if that’s what you want. If you’re content with being her friend and not dating others, enjoy. If your romantic, emotional, and sexual needs aren’t met with just friendship, find a romantic/emotional/sexual partner and continue being her friend if you can.

 

I told my man recently that if we don’t make sense romantically, emotionally, sexually, we can still make sense platonically – on another level of the mind, the spirit, the soul. Good friends that you really care about are a blessing.

 

When he and I got back together, we started off with a friendly, sweet vibe. He even suggested we take our time getting sexual again so we could focus on the connection and feelings without all the sex chemicals clouding our thinking.

 

If this is real and meant to be, just being friends for a while won’t hurt, and could very well help. No matter what form your relationship takes, it's a blessing in any form.

 

You blew me away...again!

 

And I agree with you on some of the darkness here. I have notied some of it affecting me recently. A good female friend of mine told me to stop reading it.

 

Yesterday I took her to my pool. I never go to the pool. I suggested it, then pulled back, tired ot not go, then she said lets do it. It's almost like a theme park at my pool. We weren't there 30 seconds and she wants to do all the slides, down the tubes, play with every gadget and toy there. I was cautious and said No..she proded, i did it and had a blast! We were playing with kids..literally! I wanted to just chill on the chair..nope, she was dragging me all over the place..and I had FUN!

 

The cigar? Wow, I smoked one last week without her and loved it. When she was smoking her cigarette the other night I tried to light it back up (the saved cigar) but I could not get it to light!

 

We talked about trying to be friends. The sexual/physical connection is too strong; which is why I think she said last night we can't see each other. I said then 6, 12 months of no contact? She qucikly said "Not that long!". And she said maybe we can just text.

 

I can't be with another woman sexually and spend time with her; it's just not me. Even prior to us talking I had some opportunities; emotionally, I can't do it. That's probably why I started looking at porn again.

 

I am also not ready to go full speed into dating/seeing her again. Yet I am also not ready to say goodbye to her.

 

Thanks Ruby, love your observation and your feedback!

[KungFuJoe]

I feel for you, babolat...I really do. I've been in your situation before where you don't know whether to stay and give it a shot or just cut your losses and bail.

 

But, I will say this. In my experience, I feel that if you actually go through with a break up...that's a big deal. It means that whatever was going on between you guys was SO bad that you felt it best to be apart.

 

I broke up with my first gf because I wasn't happy. When we were apart, I started missing all the good things about her. We were friends (with benefits) for a while and it seemed like we got along SO MUCH BETTER. But it was all a mirage. We were just "happier" because we didn't have the "stress" of actually being in a relationship.

 

Long story short, we ended up getting back together after nearly 1.5 to 2 years apart. We broke up a month later and I never looked back.

[Babolat]

I feel for you, babolat...I really do. I've been in your situation before where you don't know whether to stay and give it a shot or just cut your losses and bail.

 

But, I will say this. In my experience, I feel that if you actually go through with a break up...that's a big deal. It means that whatever was going on between you guys was SO bad that you felt it best to be apart.

 

I broke up with my first gf because I wasn't happy. When we were apart, I started missing all the good things about her. We were friends (with benefits) for a while and it seemed like we got along SO MUCH BETTER. But it was all a mirage. We were just "happier" because we didn't have the "stress" of actually being in a relationship.

 

Long story short, we ended up getting back together after nearly 1.5 to 2 years apart. We broke up a month later and I never looked back.

 

I agree and wonder if that's whats happening here. I don't think so though as I do not want FWB and I know she does not either. And she kept stating this weekend "what are we doing....is this just a reprieve? It does not feel like we get along any better; it's the her I love and enjoy being with. And I don't want to go back to a day in and day out relationship with her right now...that scares me.

 

We have only been together 3 times in almost 4 months, with long gaps in between. One time was for a few hours, the other two were overnight stays at my house where we went out with my friends.

 

If I had seen this in her while we were dating, I do think I would have felt different.

 

I dunno man; she is actually making all of this easier, not that this is easy at all, as she was the one yesterday who said we should not see each other, meaning hang out/meet up; that she had to be on her own for a while. And, I honsetly think I heard her stating "I don't know if this can work, if I can do this". She caught me off guard yesterday as we were having a great day, came back to my place, thought we would hang out some more and she said "I need to leave". She was very upset when she left, as was I. I hadn't thought past the moment; and I think she started to on the drive home as she kept looking at me in the car with that look I love from her, as if she is studying me and thinking. And there were a few times this weekend where I would see a sad look in her face that I remember, and would say something to her about it. She does not know she is doing it, but I see it. She has told me I am the first person in her life that sees these different expressions in her face.

Edited July 15, 2013 by Babolat

[KungFuJoe]

What you are going through, right now, sounds SO much like me and my first ex.

 

My suggestion. Go COMPLETE NC ASAP.

[Ruby Slippers]

I, for one, am rooting for you

[Ruby Slippers]

She has told me I am the first person in her life that sees these different expressions in her face.

My guy does that, too. It's powerful. He's smart, and he reads me and sees through my defenses like nobody else.