Eb0ny Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 So, in theory this story sounds sweet: This guy and I have liked each other for 4 years but the time has never been right... Until now. He just broke up with a girl and we just happened to start speaking again. Things then progressed heaps.. Since then, we've been spending heaps of time together and things seem good.. However he is continually saying he isn't sure what he wants, is confused etc. this has been going on for over a month, and he still is no closer to figuring out what he wants with me, The thing is, he's been broken up for nearly 2 months now with hie ex girlfriend, but still won't tell his ex girlfriend about me. They broke up because he apparently wasn't feeling it but are remaining good friends. The thing is he said we can't be 'official' until he tells her himself (he doesn't want her finding out through friends) so we are basically having to tiptoe around everyone. He hasn't told anyone about me because he says people will judge him for moving on so quickly. I have introduced him t all my friends, had him meet my parents, etc. and he hasn't done the same. He promised he would do it but told me not to give him a time frame. I'm just getting a little upset with the vagueness and the uncertainty. Ive told him how I feel and he just says don't pressure him and he'll do it when he's ready. So something's gotta give, right? He obviously doesn't want to hurt his ex (she's a good friend) and he doesn't want his friends to judge him either, but what about how I feel? Opinions anyone? I'm going crazy trying to figure this guy out. Thanks.m
Treasa Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 You might be a rebound. Who dumped who? Pull way back, stop introducing him to people, and don't think of him as your boyfriend. Observe what happens. 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Years ago, I went through this...turns out they never broke up, I found out when we were out walking and he pushed me around a corner like to hide me from someone. I said what was that and he said it was his x and he didn't want to rub her nose in it, but then admitted SHE thought they were still together. WHA WHAT? OH NO YOU DIDN'T.... I dumped him so fast his head spun. Did NC even though I didn't know what it meant then. 2
Philosoraptor Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Sounds like he puts her ahead of you, even though they're not together anymore. He's not far removed from her, says he's confused, can't be "official" until he tells her, and hides you from those he knows? Based on all of that I'd say he cares about her way too much to be in a new relationship yet, and may not say anything so he doesn't sabatoge chances of getting back together with her. 2
Drseussgrrl Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 So - clearly he is more worried about his ex-girlfriend's feelings than yours. How does that make you feel? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Honestly, my first thought is that he's not really done with his ex. They might not "officially" be together but they could still be seeing each other. In any case, he's putting way to much priority on her. If they truly are over, he's still tied a little too closely to her. I can understand being sensitive to an ex's feelings, but hiding you from everyone is overboard. Where's the sensitive to your feelings?Something just doesn't add up.
Adele0908 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 It certainly isn't fair on you if he has unresolved business with his ex. I would back off for now, still being friendly if you want. But give him the necessary space. If he is thinking about someone else while he is with you, he's not present with you. He might come back around when he has figured things out, but by then you might have moved way on.
Author Eb0ny Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Thanks everyone for the advice... I'm inclined to agree that he is putting his ex above me. However it doesn't explain why did he break up with her if he still wants her? She would have him back at any minute, but he said he only ever liked her as a friend and their relationship was forced because she had liked him for ages and they were so close friends. I just don't get it.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Thanks everyone for the advice... I'm inclined to agree that he is putting his ex above me. However it doesn't explain why did he break up with her if he still wants her? She would have him back at any minute, but he said he only ever liked her as a friend and their relationship was forced because she had liked him for ages and they were so close friends. I just don't get it. Yeah, it seems illogical. I think you need to be prepared for him to say he's just not ready. Whatever his emotions are. But this is so disrespectful of you and you need to set the parameters of how you will be treated. You can tell him to let you know when he's ready to have a relationship that is public as well as private, but until then you will not accept being someone's secret. Then do it.
Leigh 87 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 He's probably not that into either of you. Most guys, when they're head over heals over someone, they don't really give a damn about other people in a romantic way. Although I still care very much about my ex, who I was very in love with; if I fell hard enough for someone new, I would not stop myself. From telling EVERYONE about him.
Author Eb0ny Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) You know, it doesn't even matter anymore as he called it 'quits'. I fessed up that I was a bit upset over the situation. He didn't like me saying that, said he couldn't be in a relationship with me and that e feels 'guilty' for leading me on. He pulled the whole 'I'm sorry, you didn't deserve it, blah blah blah' But why do it in the first place? Maybe one day I'll forgive him and be his friend but I'm too angry to forgive him right now. Thanks for the advice though guys... Pretty sure it was wrong from the start with him though :/ advice truly is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn't. Edited July 17, 2013 by Eb0ny 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Sorry. Hope you pull back and go NC with him and let yourself heal. Next time, don't take this kind of nonsense.
Emilia Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 So, in theory this story sounds sweet: This guy and I have liked each other for 4 years but the time has never been right... Until now. He just broke up with a girl and we just happened to start speaking again. Things then progressed heaps.. Since then, we've been spending heaps of time together and things seem good.. However he is continually saying he isn't sure what he wants, is confused etc. this has been going on for over a month, and he still is no closer to figuring out what he wants with me, The bolded is key in my opinion. I don't know what you mean exactly that time has never been right but there is usually a reason why two people don't get together when they have known eachother for a while. Sorry OP.
Perrier Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 According to Christian Carter, US relationship expert, 'when a man doesn't know what he wants, it generally means he doesn't want what he has.' Sorry to break it to you but men are forthright and usually don't care what other people think. They do, they don't think. That it's taken 4 years to get to this stage is already a red flag.
Author Eb0ny Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 The main reason the timing was never right was because either I was with someone or when I wasn't he was. I always had wondered 'what if?' But I guess it wasn't meant to be regardless. :/
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