Inflikted Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I know I'm only 24, but I've been interested in dating for the last eight or so years now. I continue to struggle with my issues, and most people here are past the point of frustration with me because apparently I'm "too negative" and all I do is "whine and make excuses". But the fact is, I've been coming here for a few years, now, and I didn't start out that way. Back then, I was just a lonely guy that was very open to suggestion. The way I am now is the result of my complete lack of success during the last few years. I've tried, I really have. I've tried to learn how to better connect with people, I've tried to learn how to be more likable and presentable, I've been working on my education and career... I've spent plenty of time "working on me", and I feel like it's gotten me nowhere in terms of dating and/ or having a social life. I've heard the suggestion of online dating quite often, and I've actually tried it several times. While I've never actually kept track of the numbers, I'd estimate that, between the amount of girls I've tried to chat up and ask out both online and offline, I've probably tried to start something with somewhere between 80-100 girls. And you know how many dates that's amounted to? Zero. Granted, I wasn't too broken up about any of those girls, because a vast majority of them were girls that I wasn't ACTUALLY into, but rather, I was trying to be more lax with my standards and expectations, and just give people a chance. If that weren't frustrating enough, last year, I met (in person) the coolest girl I've ever met. We had amazing chemistry, and we just seemed like a perfect match. But, evidently, she didn't see what I saw. Not only did I lose out on dating someone that I think would've been a great relationship for me, but I had to sit by and watch as she chose instead to chase after guys who were idiots and ended up cheating on her. At this point, I just don't even know what comes next for me. All the sadness and the anger and the frustration and the loneliness has really taken its toll on me. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of not being able to find anyone, I'm tired of not being "attractive" to the people I do find, I'm tired of seeing everyone else around me date and find people they care about. I don't understand why I can't have it, too. In about five years, I'll be thirty, myself. And honestly? If I still haven't had one relationship by the time I turn 30, I think I'll end up succumbing to my emotions and doing something pretty drastic/ stupid. That's not a road I want to go down, and I hope it doesn't come to that, but I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm at the end of my rope, and there's just nothing for me.
MrRightNow Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 How many women do you ask out on a weekly basis? If it's less than 10, you aren't trying hard enough. Online dating is lame, you should focus on approaching women in real life. Talk to women everywhere. Just smile and say "hi" if you can't think of anything else. You'll get rejected most of the time, but not ALL the time.
Author Inflikted Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Online, I'd say I probably communicate with around 5-10 a week. I don't really like online dating, but I'm just not good at approaching, meeting, and talking to random people offline. You'd think I should be okay in this regard, because I've been "practicing" for years (not to mention, I've been working in retail for a while, having to talk to customers regularly, so that should have been even more practice). I dunno, I mean, I have no problems being nice and friendly, but my very introverted nature and my inability to connect with people makes it difficult to meet people offline. Not to mention, I don't get out as often as I'd like (as I don't have a strong enough social circle to go places with). Again, I'm not a fan of online dating, but it's a better way for me to try talking to girls without them seeing how poorly I connect with people. Plus, for whatever reason, I'm better at lowering my standards for girls online. Offline, I know what kind of girl I want, but I almost never find her. Online, I try to just write to whoever I can.
April18 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 What if I had a crystal ball and told you that you will not meet the one for you until you are 44 years old. Not only that, I will also tell you that you will probably only date one other woman, for a very short time, before you met this one? What would you do with your life if I could guarantee that? Well, that is the true story of a friend of my brothers. I've known him my whole life, but being a female, he couldn't even look me in the eye. He was extremely uncomfortable around women and didn't have one single date until he was about forty years old. He was much more introverted than what you sound like. As far as looks, I would say he was a 3/10 or 4/10. Personality, I would again, say a 3 or 4. The bottom line, is that there is someone for everyone, but it may not be in the time frame that you want it to happen. Be gentle with yourself, do not do anything drastic/stupid, be patient, be yourself, enjoy your life as you know how and ignore the pressure and time frame that "society" deems is appropriate for the different stages of your life. Kelsey Grammer states that he met his soulmate (now wife) when he was about 55 years old! Best of Luck to you.
TouchedByViolet Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 What if I had a crystal ball and told you that you will not meet the one for you until you are 44 years old. Not only that, I will also tell you that you will probably only date one other woman, for a very short time, before you met this one? What would you do with your life if I could guarantee that? Well, that is the true story of a friend of my brothers. I've known him my whole life, but being a female, he couldn't even look me in the eye. He was extremely uncomfortable around women and didn't have one single date until he was about forty years old. He was much more introverted than what you sound like. As far as looks, I would say he was a 3/10 or 4/10. Personality, I would again, say a 3 or 4. The bottom line, is that there is someone for everyone, but it may not be in the time frame that you want it to happen. Be gentle with yourself, do not do anything drastic/stupid, be patient, be yourself, enjoy your life as you know how and ignore the pressure and time frame that "society" deems is appropriate for the different stages of your life. Kelsey Grammer states that he met his soulmate (now wife) when he was about 55 years old! Best of Luck to you. Getting a date every few years is absolutely unacceptable to me. Relationships are one of the best parts of life and extremely important for personal happiness. Kelsey Grammer is witty and smart. Grammer is a womanizer and has been married 4 times. He didn't go years without a date. The best advice, I think, is what I do myself... just keep trying. Everyday make an effort to talk to people and learn a little. It's an uphill battle and numbers game for the struggling. The more you try the more chance it will work out.
Author Inflikted Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 What if I had a crystal ball and told you that you will not meet the one for you until you are 44 years old. Not only that, I will also tell you that you will probably only date one other woman, for a very short time, before you met this one? What would you do with your life if I could guarantee that? If I knew I wouldn't date for the next 20 years? I'd probably give into my sadness, anger, frustration, and loneliness, and become a bitter, hateful, completely anti-social person. Be gentle with yourself, do not do anything drastic/stupid, be patient, be yourself, enjoy your life as you know how and ignore the pressure and time frame that "society" deems is appropriate for the different stages of your life. I've never really cared about what "society" thinks on this issue, I'm just lonely, personally. I wish I could find people I have things in common with, I wish I could find a girl I'm attracted to that's also attracted to me. I'm sick of being alone. I've been "focusing on me" for a long, long time now. I'm sick of "working on me" at this point. Everyone else finds people they like, everyone else dates whenever. It's extremely frustrating that I can't, as well. Getting a date every few years is absolutely unacceptable to me. Relationships are one of the best parts of life and extremely important for personal happiness. Meh. Try NEVER getting a date. Ever. It really eats a way at a person to know that, after having attempted to ask out 80+ girls, I've never had a single date, let alone with a girl I'm actually into. That doesn't set a very good precedent for the remaining years of my life, to be honest. Seems like a pretty bleak future ahead, the way I see it. v_v
Author Inflikted Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Have you tried meetup.com? I've browsed through it a few times, but I never really found any groups/ events that I feel like I'd have fit in with. Even if I went to something, I'd probably just end up sitting in a corner by myself, because I'm not the kind of person that will just approach and start talking to people I don't know.
Ashlaria Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I've browsed through it a few times, but I never really found any groups/ events that I feel like I'd have fit in with. Even if I went to something, I'd probably just end up sitting in a corner by myself, because I'm not the kind of person that will just approach and start talking to people I don't know. Well this is clearly where you are going wrong. Having read your posts you already seem pretty bitter to me. Do you think women don't pick up on that? Meetup.com has HUNDREDS of entries, there has to be something you would like. Have you got a friend who would go with you? Or a brother or sister, just to the first one. Finding shared interests is a really good start to a relationship. I feel your frustration, but I am a 42 year old woman and I can assure you of two things, you find love when you least expect it and with people you would never expect to find it with. Be open to new experiences, doing it your way has got you nowhere, what have you got to lose?? Good luck to you. Keep us posted
Ryan9 Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 (edited) You can't look for it. 24 is nothing. These days, even for extremely extroverted guys that have no problem getting dates and or what leads up to sex, 24 is young. 24 is like 18 for a guy in todays culture. You are just beginning to enter your eligible phase with women. Men become most attractive to women from 25-30 for all sorts of reasons, mostly having to do with perceived maturity and a career. It is what it is. Also the norms have changed and you have to take that into account. Most people these days aren't in serious relationships at 24. Most people are single now at 24 and 25. You don't seem to be factoring that in enough. If you are in a serious relationship and or married at 24-25 you are defying the norm by quite a lot. (you're likely either very rich or very poor) Edited July 19, 2013 by Ryan9
Author Inflikted Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 Well this is clearly where you are going wrong. Having read your posts you already seem pretty bitter to me. Do you think women don't pick up on that? Well, I've been trying to do the whole "Fake it til you make it" thing, or whatever people call it. Deep down, I don't deny that there's definitely bitterness, but it stems from frustration, the frustration of being unable to connect with people, find romance and intimacy, all while having to watch other people do it just fine. At this point, I don't know how to not be "bitter" about that, yanno? Meetup.com has HUNDREDS of entries, there has to be something you would like. Have you got a friend who would go with you? Or a brother or sister, just to the first one. Finding shared interests is a really good start to a relationship. I've looked, and like I said, I dunno, nothing ever strikes me as something I could go to, meet people, and have a good time. And no, I really don't have anyone to tag along with me. Honestly, I would've really preferred that, because I'm more likely to be open and show my personality if I have at least one person I'm very familiar with around. If not, I just naturally keep to myself. But no, I don't have anyone, no siblings, no friends. :/ I feel your frustration, but I am a 42 year old woman and I can assure you of two things, you find love when you least expect it and with people you would never expect to find it with, 24 is nothing. These days, even for extremely extroverted guys that have no problem getting dates and or what leads up to sex, 24 is young. 24 is like 18 for a guy in todays culture. You are just beginning to enter your eligible phase with women. Here's the thing, though. Er, well, I really thought I said all this in this topic already, but looking back, I don't see it. Huh. Anyway, one thing that has me a bit more "ruffled", I guess, is that I'm getting to an age where girls are starting to have a bit more "baggage". I've encountered girls that have already been married and divorced. And more irksome to me, I've met and known TONS of girls in my age range that have kids. Not to sound mean, but I do not like kids, I don't want to have kids of my own (though I admit, this could change much later down the line, when I'm in my mid-30s), and I absolutely do not want to have to deal with kids that are not mine. I want to find girls that are "fresh" and free from baggage like this. I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of dating someone who's been divorced (it just weirds me out, given my lack of dating prowess), and I certainly don't want to date anyone that has kids. But I feel like, as the years continue to go on, that's going to be what most of my potential dating pool is made up of, divorcees and mothers. Also the norms have changed and you have to take that into account. Most people these days aren't in serious relationships at 24. Most people are single now at 24 and 25. You don't seem to be factoring that in enough. If you are in a serious relationship and or married at 24-25 you are defying the norm by quite a lot. (you're likely either very rich or very poor) Eh, I mean, I'm not expecting to find someone and fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. But it would be nice to get to experience "young love", date, and have fun while I'm still in my 20s and young enough to have a lot of "youthful energy". Granted, I don't want to "sleep around", nor do I care about "sowing wild oats", or whatever, and I'd much rather have a partner that's both a friend and a lover, so to speak. But again, I'm not looking to "lock anyone in" to a long term committed relationship right from the get-go. I want to "have fun", but I want it to be with a relatively smaller number of people, and I want it to be people I actually like and feel a connection with. Does that make sense? 1
hppr Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 Pics of yourself or at least a physical description, what you do for a living, the things you like, how often you go out, that sort of stuff would really help. Do you dress stylishly? In shape? Smell nice (aka Cologne)? Online dating is the pits. Maybe log on for an hour or two every week but that's it. Not worth the time.
Author Inflikted Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 (edited) Pics of yourself or at least a physical description, what you do for a living, the things you like, how often you go out, that sort of stuff would really help. Do you dress stylishly? In shape? Smell nice (aka Cologne)? Online dating is the pits. Maybe log on for an hour or two every week but that's it. Not worth the time. Physical description? I'm unusually short and I have a goofy-looking face. Job? Just a part time thing in retail, but I'm a full time student, hopefully going to start working some internships in the coming months, and I'll be graduating next June. What I like? Video games, comic books, gadgets, and other "nerdy" stuff. Don't really care if a girl I'd be dating likes any of these things, though. Going out? Not at all, really. I go to work, I go to school (and like I said, hopefully in the coming months, I'll be working some internships), but other than that, the only times I really go out are for necessity, like shopping. I'd like to go out more, but I just can't go somewhere by myself and have fun, and also, I really don't know where to go, anyway. How I dress? Typically just t-shirt and jeans, usually with a shirt that says something silly. Am I in shape? I guess technically no, but I'm not overweight, and honestly, unless I took my shirt off (which I never ever do around another person, anyway), I look pretty average. Honestly, I don't really see myself as someone that should look "lean" and "in shape"; I kinda prefer myself to have a more "cute and cuddly" body. That's just me, though. Smell nice? Well, I don't use cologne, but I do use a little Axe body spray. I try not to go overboard with that kind of thing, though, because I've encountered quite a few people that smell like they bathe in cologne, or whatever, and it's quite unpleasant. Anyway, here's a couple pics, too. http://i.imgur.com/5Sn4PHi.jpg http://i.imgur.com/sCGNaoa.jpg Edit: Oh, and also, yeah, I really don't LIKE online dating, but with how little I actually get out, it seems like the most viable option, yanno? Unfortunately, I find that a lot of the girls on there (at least those local to me) are girls with the kind of "baggage" I described earlier (kids, etc.). I'm a bit cyclical when it comes to dating sites. I'll be off of them, but then I succumb to the loneliness and browse them for weeks or months, forcing myself to message any girls I might be the least bit interested in, but then I never have any success meeting anyone on these sites that I like, and the girls I do write to never respond, so I get bored/ frustrated, and stop using the sites until the cycle repeats itself all over again. Currently, I'm in the "getting off of these sites" phase. I figure by the time November or December rolls around, I'll start feeling lonely again and I'll get back on them. Edited July 20, 2013 by Inflikted
hppr Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Kinda like how I was when I was 24-25 except I had long hair and was a lot skinnier. Also your face is not half as fuggo as mine is trust me on this. However I think you are 14-15 when I look at them so that could be turning girls off. Being short sucks, especially if you are sub 5'6, but you can't do anything about it so don't worry about it. Lich King Slayer etc shirts are cool and all but really you are much better off with a more homogenous look, like button up plaid shirt, jeans, shoes/boots. Whatever you get make sure it fits properly, no shirts that hang way down, baggy pants, that sort of thing. A black leather belt is another good one. WEAR COLOGNE as well as your usual deodorant etc. Read up on young-guy colognes it'll be trial and error, the popular ones are stuff like Davidoff Cool Water fresh smelling stuff, another one is Chrome, hit up the mall and go to the fragrance section sample a bunch. Experiment with different haircuts, the fuzzy buzzed cut looks okay on you but try being clean shaven, don't let yourself get a neckbeard or any of that stuff but a goatee might work. GO OUT MORE OFTEN. You see when you are in a pattern like you described there's no place for new people to come into your life. Meetup.com stuff, libraries, bars, park, ANYTHING. You have to figure out a way to network, hell talk to your coworkers and find out where the parties are, ANYTHING JUST GET OUT AND MEET NEW PEOPLE. Especially women. FLIRT WITH WOMEN. Like girls working cash registers, smile at them, say hi, if she seems friendly then fire off a compliment. Everyone has something that they try to make look good, she might have piercings, or highlights in her hair, or lots of makeup on etc. Tell her it looks nice in a casual, matter of fact way. Keep in mind you have to do this as the well-groomed, good smelling cologne, nice clothes no World of Warcraft/Deathmetal shirt you. Consider it flirting practice. Same for women that come into whatever store you work at, old chicks, younger gals, talk em all up. Waiting on internships, student, etc that stuff can kill your dating life too. When you're in limbo like that getting girls for more than a 1-night-stand can be problematic at best. Most women are looking for something solid, ready to go kinda man so if you are at an in-between stage they will bail. But it doesn't mean dating is impossible and if you are more established down the road those same women will come knocking on your door.
Author Inflikted Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Also your face is not half as fuggo as mine is trust me on this. However I think you are 14-15 when I look at them so that could be turning girls off. Yeah, that's an issue I run into a LOT, people thinking I'm a young child. But what can I do about that? Being short sucks, especially if you are sub 5'6, but you can't do anything about it so don't worry about it. I'm 5'1". Lich King Slayer etc shirts are cool and all but really you are much better off with a more homogenous look, like button up plaid shirt, jeans, shoes/boots. Whatever you get make sure it fits properly, no shirts that hang way down, baggy pants, that sort of thing. A black leather belt is another good one. Heh, well, I'm not as much of a "metalhead" these days, so I don't actually wear "death metal" shirts that often. Most of them, like I said, are shirts with funny sayings and/ or images on them, these days. Experiment with different haircuts, the fuzzy buzzed cut looks okay on you but try being clean shaven, don't let yourself get a neckbeard or any of that stuff but a goatee might work. I just never really know what would look good on me, for a haircut, so I always just get the same thing. As for facial hair, that's about the only place I can get it to grow. I WANT to have more facial hair, but it only seems to grow on my neck. I shave it all off occasionally, but doing so makes me look even younger than the 14-15 I look now. I figure having SOME facial hair is better than having none at all, in my case, yanno? GO OUT MORE OFTEN. You see when you are in a pattern like you described there's no place for new people to come into your life. Meetup.com stuff, libraries, bars, park, ANYTHING. You have to figure out a way to network, hell talk to your coworkers and find out where the parties are, ANYTHING JUST GET OUT AND MEET NEW PEOPLE. Especially women. I want to, I really do, but like I said, it's so hard when you don't have people to go out with. Last year, I wanted to make a concerted effort to start building a social circle, and my goal was to "work my way up", so to speak, with my coworkers, who are in the same age range as me. Ideally, I wanted to become better friends with them outside of work, meet their friends, become friends with them, meet their friends' friends, and so on, until I had a bigger social circle. I got to go out with people a couple of times, but that was it. After that, I couldn't really get them to hang out with me anymore, and it's difficult to find other people to reach out to. It doesn't help that I'm generally a very introverted person with some social issues. Heck, I honestly don't even know how to talk to people, especially those I haven't known for a while. FLIRT WITH WOMEN. Like girls working cash registers, smile at them, say hi, if she seems friendly then fire off a compliment. Everyone has something that they try to make look good, she might have piercings, or highlights in her hair, or lots of makeup on etc. Tell her it looks nice in a casual, matter of fact way. Keep in mind you have to do this as the well-groomed, good smelling cologne, nice clothes no World of Warcraft/Deathmetal shirt you. Consider it flirting practice. Same for women that come into whatever store you work at, old chicks, younger gals, talk em all up. Heh, flirting is like a whole other beast altogether. I have NO idea how to do it. I just feel... "wrong" doing it. I mean, I can be nice and friendly towards people, particularly girls, but I don't know the first thing about "flirting", and I don't want to cross the line. Waiting on internships, student, etc that stuff can kill your dating life too. When you're in limbo like that getting girls for more than a 1-night-stand can be problematic at best. Most women are looking for something solid, ready to go kinda man so if you are at an in-between stage they will bail. But it doesn't mean dating is impossible and if you are more established down the road those same women will come knocking on your door. Well, I mean... A lot of girls in my age range are probably in similarly "transitional" stages of their lives, too. I can't really see that being an issue. People date at all stages of their lives. If I were chasing women in their 30s and 40s, yeah, I could see that they'd probably want someone more established, but I'd say I'm on the right track for my future career, and I'd imagine that should be good enough for a girl in my age range. It's not like I'm "going nowhere" in life. That would be more of an issue, if I were just "floating along" and "going nowhere", I think, but I have a direction, and I'm happy with it.
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