thegirlwhowaited Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I'm getting married in two months. I'm 21, OH is 24. Is there anything anyone can suggest to stay happy? I see so often that people who marry young often end up divorcing because they're unhappy, and it frightens me that it could happen to any couple, so I want to try and prevent that. Any ideas would be appreciated, thank you! 1
Philosoraptor Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Be patient, considerate, kind, and not afraid to apologize if you make a mistake. 3
Eve Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Talk and foster regular connection points. Listen to what your partner has to say, truly and be supportive. Feel each other up a lot. Intimacy is essential and fuels desire. Laugh together and don't try to be too grown up about everything. Plan social events ahead of time, especially if you are on a budget. Share always. Never stop being on his side. Call bs where you see it and don't be afraid of confrontation. Be upset but not unconsolable. Never lose your ability to think and act independently, even though you are a couple. Have great dreams that you can accomplish alone as well as together. Don't be down on yourself too much and expect the other partner to always pick you up. Believe that they love you. Keep an eye on each others health and speak up if you have any concerns. Take care, Eve x 3
Got it Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Couples counseling before issues arise and to further strengthen your foundation. No one is perfect at communication and conflict resolution. We can always learn more. Remember even if you start a family, your partnership is the foundation for the family house, if it is weak, the house will crumble. Don't take the relationship for granted, don't put it in autopilot, both continue to invest energies into it. Never stop with date nights! 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Continue what you were doing before you got married. Marriage should never change a relationship. It should just strengthen it. The biggest part that I saw waver in my first marriage was the focus on the other person. It was perfect expected to grow individually, but you should always remember that you two are the same as one. Have fun, remember that when you fight there is no winner, it should never be one against the other, you both are a team. Be the others biggest fan, and when you hit a rough spot, remember that it isn't the end of everything, life itself holds many challenges. Things won't always be easy, but you can't know how good things are until you see how bad they can get. A marriage doesn't work unless both people put in their all. TALK. Be each others best friend, and the second you feel it wavering, don't be afraid to bring it up to get that friendship back on track. Another thing I would advise, talk about big things now. Things like children and holidays, and throw some what ifs in there. Especially on things you feel strongly about [Ex: it is very important for me to be with someone who would accept our child for whatever he she is, I could never be with someone who would claim to disown a child for something like sexual preference or identity]. This includes finances, future must haves. Set up a game plan for future disagreements if you don't have one in place already. TALK. Seriously, talking is key. Talk about everything and nothing. Congrats! One thing I will always tell people from now on is also this. For any reason at all, if something insane happens and the marriage doesn't work out... you are not a failure. I wish someone had told me that. Make the best out of every day. Marriage is such a beautiful thing. 2
jphcbpa Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 take your time on having kids...enjoy each other, travel, be your own person, when kids come be sure to keep each other first. 1
Thegameoflife Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Good luck! All the good advice in the world can't prepare you for the unforseen. The only advice I would give, is to take care of yourself. Don't have much control over anything else.
CarrieT Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 I see so often that people who marry young often end up divorcing because they're unhappy I don't necessarily agree that they divorce because they are unhappy as much as they simply grow into the person that they are meant to be and don't know how to do that within the confines of a relationship because of the lack of maturity. You are not going to be believe me, but you guys are not fully hatched yet. Read this. In short, a crucial part of the brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected. Really. Recent studies show that neural insulation isn't complete until the mid-20s. So what will happen is that you are in an adolescent fog (I *know* you believe you are mature for your age, but you are NOT!) that will cause huge, dramatic changes for you in the next decade. If you want your relationship to survive, be completely open and honest with each other about your changes when they happen - because they will. There will become a point where you are going to want to experiment with other people. You are going to wonder what life would have been like living on your own, independent and free. When those thoughts happen, discuss them with each other because it is going to happen. Don't judge each other for having those feelings and wondering what life would be like without each other. It is normal. It is when challenges occur and you hide your feelings - even if it feels like you are betraying your partner by having these thoughts - that conflict arises. If there were any way I could convince you to delay your marriage for ten years, I would.
Silly_Girl Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Yes. Run. Run hard. Run Fast. Run like the wind. But run. Other than that, I got nothing. Yeah, I would never get married that young. Again.
Got it Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I do agree. I married at 25 but to the person I had been dating since 17. 30 was a landmark year for me and some major changing on my thoughts, feelings and expectations. I felt that I was finally an adult at that age and it was a turning point in the marriage and shortly our divorce.
CarrieT Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 30 was a landmark year for me and some major changing on my thoughts, feelings and expectations. I've written about this before. The "new age" terminology is knows as The Saturn Return. In short, the planet Saturn is in the sky in a certain place when you are born and it takes 28 to 31 years for it to return to the same place in the heavens. It is during that time that we literally gel into who we are supposed to become and - like GotIt said - change our thoughts, feelings and expectations on life. I was told about it when I was 25 (going through a divorce) and didn't believe it: Until I was 31 and everything about how I viewed the world change. I also believe it explains the "seven year itch" which occurs when people get married in their early 20s and seven years into their marriage - or, when they hit their 30s (like I wrote above!), everything they want or believe changes. It also explains why 60-year old men suddenly want red sports cars, etc. You go through it again 30 years later, but by that time, you have the mental maturity and understanding to deal with it.
ChooseTruth Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 This probably will scare you, but I'm super serious. Read "His Needs/Her Needs" and maybe "Not Just Friends". So many marriages end due to infidelity it's astonishing. Don't assume you aren't capable of it. Find out what needs are important to your spouse and what forms of love they appreciate most from you. Keep them happy. and of course....always ChooseTruth. It's for the better.
twosadthings Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I was 25 and my wife was 22 when we were married. We celebrated our fortieth with three weeks in Cabo this April. My suggestion, I try to never give advice, would look very much like Eve's posting. I also would suggest that you ignore or don't associate with those who would insert negativity into your relationship of any kind. You don't have to have vast experiences or intellect to have a happy marriage, just the willingness and a willing partner to make it work. Perhaps the best thought I can send your way is to relate the toast I gave to my son and his wife at their wedding: "Put your spouse's needs above your own and have no one before them. Be so loveable that they will have no choice but to love you the same way in return. With their needs above yours and your needs above theirs you will live your life and your love with your feet off the ground." Stay strong and good luck to you and your guy, Twosadthings 2
tas001 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Read 'The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work' by John Gottman or pretty much any book on how to salvage a marriage. Most people don't read these books till they're well past the point of no return. But if you actually read some of these books before you got married, they would be an excellent how-to manual and cheat-sheet for keeping your relationship healthy through the years and help you in avoiding all the common mistakes people are likely to make along the way.
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