Update

[HeavenOrHell]

For those of you who know my story and all the ups and downs; I came to the conclusion lately that what me and him have is just a different type of r/ship, most LDR's have to have an end in sight to keep going, most split up if they don't, we've split up twice, but not properly, not easy to keep away from each other. So we're not exactly a conventional LDR with plans of a future together, I think we just fit in a box of our own...

 

He's gone back home today, first time since our most recent split, had a lovely time again, both said we find the distance hard, but both really enjoy what we have; our visits and he said said he loves our daily chats, I do too.

 

Neither of us want to be free to meet someone closer, neither of us feel able to move, but said it has no reflection on how we feel about each other, we can't say it will ever happen, but also said we can't say it never will either.

 

He's opening up more, just by me initiating talking about the things he finds hard, this is one of the things I was struggling with, him often being closed emotionally when apart, but this has become easier.

 

We don't want to give up just because it's not ideal (the distance!), I said I'd find it easier if we plan the next couple of visits during our current visit, so we're going to meet early Sept for a few days and then Oct/early November for 2 weeks, and all being well for xmas too.

 

We'll see how it goes, hopefully just being more open with each and having visits planned will help. When things are going well between us (ie when he's not in an emotionally closed phase) between visits then I don't struggle much with the distance, or at all in fact, but if he becomes closed then I do, so we're working on it.

 

Basically, even though that we what have isn't exactly conventional, and most people wouldn't want to or be able to do it, why give up something beautiful just because it's not ideal? As a friend said; 'Why throw away the jewels just because you can't have the crown?'

 

I've often felt pressure from other people telling us it won't work or that we MUST have an end goal, but what they're saying is that's what they would need, I'm not saying that it wouldn't be nice, but it doesn't feel essential for us right now, of course that might change, and it was a horrible blow when his plans to move fell through, splitting up though feels like cutting off our nose to spite our face.

 

If it becomes difficult again, which it probably will at times, then we'll review things again.

 

We're not a conventional couple, neither of us are conventional people full stop But I think things can work out for us for the foreseeable at least, or for as long as it feels good (same as any r/ship!).

 

Love him more each time I see him

Edited July 15, 2013 by HeavenOrHell

[Els]

Well, the thing about general advice is that it's just that - general advice. It'll help a lot of people, but it's up to the two of you to decide whether or not it is relevant to you. In this case, that applies to the 'have an end goal' advice. It helps a lot of people, but whether or not it should be a dealbreaker for you is entirely your prerogative to choose.

 

Personally, from what I've read, I'm worried for you not so much because of the lack of end goal, but moreso because of how his tendency to close up emotionally affects you, and has affected you for the past several years (indicating perhaps that it isn't going to change). However, I definitely support you both making your decisions based on your own beliefs, and not those of others. Because this R is between the two of you - nobody else.

 

Good luck.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you Elswyth, there have been many phases I've not been happy, when he retreats emotionally for weeks at a time, when he doesn't retreat it's wonderful, which is why I told him in the end I wasn't happy and exactly why I wasn't and we split up for a bit, but he sounded determined to change the way he has of retreating, I said to him but I don't want to feel like I'm prying or forcing you to open up and that maybe he's ok with the way he is in this respect and I could just leave him him in peace in that case, and and he said, no he needs to force himself to do it as he's not happy with the way he is.

 

He opened up more from that point (few weeks ago), he's trying to change that aspect of himself for him, me, and our r/ship, he said if I only I was a b*tch then he wouldn't have to confront this stuff about himself, ie we could split up for good and he wouldn't have to bother.

 

If things had stayed the way they were then it wouldn't work, all the weeks or months which were good were outweighed by the ones where he would retreat.

So this is a trial, as we both know as much as he wants to change certain things, he might not be able to, so I've no idea if it will be ok or not, but both of us want to try, which feels positive.

 

And telling him how important it is to me to make the next date, or next couple of dates already and him being completely understanding about that helps massively.

 

 

 

Well, the thing about general advice is that it's just that - general advice. It'll help a lot of people, but it's up to the two of you to decide whether or not it is relevant to you. In this case, that applies to the 'have an end goal' advice. It helps a lot of people, but whether or not it should be a dealbreaker for you is entirely your prerogative to choose.

 

Personally, from what I've read, I'm worried for you not so much because of the lack of end goal, but moreso because of how his tendency to close up emotionally affects you, and has affected you for the past several years (indicating perhaps that it isn't going to change). However, I definitely support you both making your decisions based on your own beliefs, and not those of others. Because this R is between the two of you - nobody else.

 

Good luck.

[LisaLee]

I was wondering about you. I remember your story very well. I hope he has gotten rid of the annoying ex. Glad you are still going strong!

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you, we're giving it our best shot anyway!

 

Hope things are still going well for you?

 

 

I was wondering about you. I remember your story very well. I hope he has gotten rid of the annoying ex. Glad you are still going strong!

Edited July 15, 2013 by HeavenOrHell

[LittleTiger]

Glad to hear you had such a good time together again HOH. You two obviously have something pretty strong that keeps you bonded together.

 

I agree with you that not everybody needs to have an end in sight. Some people actually prefer living alone and if they're in a LDR, I imagine it can be a 'best of both worlds' situation.

 

So, if you are able to find a level of acceptance that this is how things will be, at least for a few years, I'm sure will find it easier than forever wishing 'if only'. If you can agree on the regularity of visits and amount of contact time in between, you could find the relationship much easier than you have done in the past.

 

I do agree with Elswyth though. You have struggled so much in the past when he becomes emotionally distant and I would hate to see history repeat itself yet again. If he has finally agreed that he wants to make an effort to change, then that's wonderful news and you can't really ask for more.

 

It's good that you are both aware this is a trial - especially given that you were the one who was unhappy with things and he is the one who has to make to the changes. It could be a big ask - even if he seems determined to do so for the sake of your relationship. I do hope things work as you hope they will. I'll keep my fingers crossed for both of you.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks LT...

I do struggle at times with living alone, especially after living together for so long with my ex, but I don't feel ready to live with anyone else, so it wouldn't be right and maybe it never will be, but I'm not sure if that is fear of being that close to someone again.

I don't want to live with someone again out of loneliness, obviously it needs to be purely because I want to be with *him*, if I were to live with him now I wouldn't feel ready, not because it's him, I think we would live together very easily, same as I did with my ex, I don't feel ready to live with anyone again, so yes I feel in some ways LD does suit me, although I wish we were close enough to meet a couple of times a month.

 

I am hoping things will be easier now that he knows my concerns and what was making it hard for me half the time, but I am also very aware he may not be able to maintain making changes when things are deep rooted in him. If he didn't want me to encourage him with it, to try to help him open up, then it definitely wouldn't work, it would just feel like prying and nagging with him digging his heels in, but he's said several times he wants to, and is trying to, change, he's also said old habits die hard, and I'm not sure how much faith he has in himself.

 

The difference now is I've never told him before to what extent it affects me, and exactly how, never said this is actually a big problem and making me this unhappy when you are like this, I've told him before that I find it hard but it never got to the point where I really felt I couldn't deal with it anymore and had to tell him that, so til recently I/we mostly pushed it to one side, in the end I had to spell it out to him and say I can't do this.

 

I did think he'd break up with me rather than confront it/confront himself as he put it, and we did break up for a while, but we also kept talking and he opened up bit by bit and showed his vulnerability and it became clear he didn't want to run away.

 

But it is a big ask, so we'll see how things go.

 

I have changes I want to make as well for my sake mostly, but would benefit the r/ship as well.

 

We had a good talk about things while he was here, both happy with the outcome and seemed to bring us closer somehow.

 

Looking forward to the next visit already, it does help already having it to look forward to...but who knows, maybe I'm kidding myself things can be ok living at a distance long term, still feels right to be with him at the moment though.

 

Glad to hear you had such a good time together again HOH. You two obviously have something pretty strong that keeps you bonded together.

 

I agree with you that not everybody needs to have an end in sight. Some people actually prefer living alone and if they're in a LDR, I imagine it can be a 'best of both worlds' situation.

 

So, if you are able to find a level of acceptance that this is how things will be, at least for a few years, I'm sure will find it easier than forever wishing 'if only'. If you can agree on the regularity of visits and amount of contact time in between, you could find the relationship much easier than you have done in the past.

 

I do agree with Elswyth though. You have struggled so much in the past when he becomes emotionally distant and I would hate to see history repeat itself yet again. If he has finally agreed that he wants to make an effort to change, then that's wonderful news and you can't really ask for more.

 

It's good that you are both aware this is a trial - especially given that you were the one who was unhappy with things and he is the one who has to make to the changes. It could be a big ask - even if he seems determined to do so for the sake of your relationship. I do hope things work as you hope they will. I'll keep my fingers crossed for both of you.

[Els]

It's great that you're both working through the problems together, HoH. One of the key elements to sustaining an R, IMO.

 

I really hate to be the wet blanket here, but I just want to caution you that your staying cannot be unconditional. If you really see him making effort to change as he agreed to do, great. If you don't see any of that, and things just carry on the same way, you need to ask yourself how long you can give him to change, before you break things off for your own sake. In other words, talk is easy, actions are not. So watch for the actions, not only his verbal agreement.

 

I genuinely hope he does make an effort to change, and that the two of you manage to work through this together. Good luck!

[HeavenOrHell]

Don't worry, I am proceeding with caution! I feel quite positive, but it's 50/50 whether it will be ok. Thank you for caring...

Today I'm feeling the wrench of having that burst of closeness, togetherness etc and now he's gone, but I usually adjust.

[LisaLee]

Thank you, we're giving it our best shot anyway!

 

Hope things are still going well for you?

 

Things are going well. I can't believe it has been almost two years since we moved in together and ended the long distance part of our relationship. Ahh, your posts remind me of how I use to feel after a two week visit and then having to adjust again of living alone. Do you guys have an idea of when you will be able to be together permanently?

[Omei]

Don't lose hope HOH when I was in my LDR in the start I was really upset about the distance because there was no end in sight through the entire 5 years (now ex) there was no end in sight but loved and waited because it was better than thinking it will never happen, so I know how you feel. It will happen for you HOH I really hope it does for you! Hope you win the lottery! that would prob solve everything ;p When I was with my SO I had lottery daydreams ahaha! Im glad to hear you're going to march on.

Edited July 17, 2013 by Omei

[Els]

Don't worry, I am proceeding with caution! I feel quite positive, but it's 50/50 whether it will be ok. Thank you for caring...

Today I'm feeling the wrench of having that burst of closeness, togetherness etc and now he's gone, but I usually adjust.

 

All the best, HoH. Rooting for you.

[amayana]

Even if you can't see an end to this distance now, it doesn't mean that you have to give up on someone you love and would do anything for. I admire your strength but if you ever feel like it's getting too painful, don't torture yourself into a black hole you'll never be able to get out of alive. Although I don't know you, I can tell you're a great person because only a person with a courageous and an incredibly big heart would be willing to go through something like this.

 

I still believe that you'll see that silver lining on the horizon some day. And if you ever need someone to talk to, you know that there will be plenty of people here for you on this forum lots of love!