unintentionly nearly cheated on my b/f now husband

[anna221]

hi im going to keep this as brief as possible.

i used to work in a pub, well i a waitress in the restaurant side, one night a live band was playing so after my shift i thought i would stay for a drink, listen to the band for 20 minutes then go home. anyway the bar managers girlfriend who i dont know that well asked to sit with me, i said yeah and unfortunately that one drink led to another, then another and i ended up staying for 7 - 8 hours. im not a drinker, i cant handle my drink and didn't really have the experience to know when to stop, at about 4am this girl started arguing with her bf so i got ready to leave and completely forgetting to call a taxi i walked out to walk for one. as i was leaving this other guy was leaving just ahead of me. as i got outside i said to myself in a drunken way, right get a taxi, this guy turns around and says il walk with you. i didnt reply but he walked with me anyway. about 10 minutes staggering down the road in silence i was in a complete world of my own with no thoughts in my head but feeling dizzy and sick. he walked across my path and nodded his head for me to follow and like a lemming with no thought i follow, he led me into a an open bush, i stopped at the entrance to this bush( dont ask me why) he walks back to me and i turn as if to exit and he puts an arm across the front of me, i dont know if it was to stop me or if he put his hand on my chest although i didnt feel anything. anyway he dropped his arm withing a second and i was staring up at a street-light with no clue as to wher i am or what im there for, in my head im still on the path.

 

within a few seconds i must have staggered and my face bumped his head, i heard a noise and glanced down to see him putting a condom on, however at the time i didnt even take this info in it was a few miutes later i relised what he was doing. he was at the side of me so he wasnt infront of me blocking my view, i carried on starring at the light. then he turned me by my shoulders, making my head spin, then pushed me down to my knees wher in a confused state i pulled my trousers and underwear down, not all the way down only middle of my thighs at most. it was done in one quick movement then i fell forward on my hands. the only thing i can think of is in my confused state i presumed this was my partner of 13 years, iv never been with anyone else or ever had the desire to. anyway luckely i had a long coat on so he didnt see anything i then felt his hands go on my back and felt it on the tops of my leg. my head became clear of what was happening and i immediately got up and all but run away. i dont know if someone was watching from above or not but as i got to the path i could see a taxi coming wich i flagged down got in and got home.

 

the whole thing lasted no more than 40 seconds, but from walking down the path i had not one single thought in my head, it was like i was braindead, also apart from drinking double spirits all night i also hadnt eaten anything had done a 12 hour shift so by that time i also hadnt slept for nearly 24 hours.

 

i know that the drink shouldnt be an excuse to why this happened but it would not have happened if i was sober, however my mistake was getting that drunk in the first place.

 

this story seems straight forward now, 9 months later, however it wasnt from the next morning. we have 2 young children so i only got a couple of hours sleep before getting up again, my head was a mess, i couldnt remember exactly what happened and from the peices of memory i had i convinced myself i had had sex with that evil person. i could remember pulling my underwear down and being in that position what else could have happened. so i i stupidly told my partner this, he asked lots of questions and the parts i couldnt remember i told him what i presumed to have happened making everything seem so much worse than it was. i broke his heart and i feel like such a horrible terrible excuse of a human being.

 

it took a few days for things to start coming back to me, i then had to tell him ther wasnt any sex, and started peicing the real story back together, it took a few weeks for everything to come back.

 

iv never done anything like this before and never thought i would ever get into this kind of situation, i quit my job, dont work nights anymore, i now work in a school. i didnt drink before but i will only drink when my partners there.

 

he has a hard time bileavin me though, he says if you couldnt remember having sex then why would you tell me that. i told him i felt so horrable and guilty that that i had convinced myself through the way i felt and the parts i could remember suggested i had, i thought that it would be a matter of time before those memories came back to but ofcourse it didnt happen so they would never come back.

 

he asked me to do a lie test, wich i agreed to and said i would also pay for. it was set to do last month but as it came to it he said dont worry about doing it, i thought finally he was bileaving me but i can see he still has his doubts.

 

i did go to the police but as i pulled my own things down the only thing they could do is caution him for indecent exposure, which in my view at the time wasnt worth dragging it out for.

 

since this has happened we have got married,

 

what are your views on this, any advice would be welcomed, but he said he wont do any kind of counselling

[aliveagain]

Once he thinks you have cheated you will only remove his doubt by your actions, book the polygraph and follow through with it. You still choose to stay in the bar drinking, you could have left at any time, you still are responsible for putting yourself in that situation. Regardless of how much you drank you still know right from wrong, you still chose to pull your own pants and undergarment down. You own that decision, you also own the decision to allow this man to walk with you instead of turning back to the bar and calling a cab. You need to accept responsibility for putting yourself in a position that lead to this mess so you never make the same choices in the future. Words mean very little when infidelity is involved, it's your actions that are believable. This is why he is having a hard time believing you, no matter what you tell him your actions of staying in a bar without eating than consuming that amount of alcohol, walking out with a stranger, not calling a cab, pulling your own clothing down doesn't match the actions of a woman that didn't have sex. Book the polygraph, take all his doubts away.

[oldshirt]

This is a pretty tragic story and there is a lot of issues here. This is probably beyond the limit of what strangers on a website can help with and it is beyond you and your husband simply "working out."

 

You were assaulted and near raped in a criminal act. Yes, you had a lapse of good judgement and appropriate actions but once your brain is impaired past a certain point, people don't act appropriately.

 

You are assaulted by a preditor, that is one issue. You behaved out of character for you, that is another issue. Your husband has reasons to have doubts but he also needs to see the full story for what it really is. He reasonably has doubts to your fidelity and responsibility so he needs some assurance that you are a responsible and faithfull person but he also needs to be supportive in the face of a trauma to you.

 

This is more than what you two can work out on your own and more than what strangers on a website can offer. You really do need to undergo some professional counseling to sift through all of this and deal with it in a manner so that both of you can carry on in a functional manner.

 

I hope everything goes ok.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

If I'm following your story correctly, it seems to me that your were sexually assaulted. That's not the same as cheating.

[SoleMate]

This isn't about cheating (not even close), it is about attempted rape of an impaired, vulnerable person by a predator and also about substance abuse. Your next steps should be to call or visit a sexual assault support center and also an AA meeting. Most likely the crisis counselors will assist you in making a police report.

 

After you get those big issues starting to be addressed, then you can work on your judgment and decision making.

[BetrayedH]

Rebook the polygraph. The confirmation that your story is true (as you recall it) will go a long way towards changing your H's point of view. Don't cancel it, even if he insists. You'll probably only be able to be asked 5 questions so ask your H what questions he thinks are most important.

[Coolit]

What you first need to realize is that this forum is full of very bitter BSs. Not all but a lot. Lots of them make no allowances.

 

If you had purposefully got drunk and been flirting with this guy all night I would say alchohal was not a factor, merely an excuse. The fact that even getting hammered was a unique situation speaks volumes. This was a one time mistake that many many people make. Because you had no friends to watch your back something bad did happen. And yes people can be drunk enough to be very compliant without knowing why. (pulling your panties down). Choosin to only drink around your husband is a wise idea. Having him or a real friend around you to make sure you don't have too many drinks.

 

Where I live there are a lot campaigns against having sex with someone who is too drunk to properly consent. That it is rape. It id a hard call to make as it can very much be a he said she said so charges are hard to press.

 

I recommend counselling for you to deal with the assault. As to your husband, try to be patient and don't assume he is upset or bring it up. Just be faithful to him. He will either be understanding in time or he will refuse to get it. You can't make him be either person, you can only help.

 

As to the lie dector test I'd only do it if H asks again. Those things are awful. And the fact that you were the victim (yes you made a mistake but everyone does) i think it could rip you a part. I had a friend accused of stealing at work and so agreed to a test. He passed it but he said if he knew how hellish it would be he wouldn't have done it. The cop doing it will purposefully upset you. So if you feel you are strong enough to do it so long as your H and you realize they are no way near infalliable. And the fact your night was bits and pieces of drunken memories I don't know how well the test would work.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. We all have to live with the mistakes we make. I had a friend who impatiently pulled out to pass when it wasn't safe and killed a couple who had small kids. He was not normally a reckless driver but that day he made a decision that had terrible consequences. But he has moved on, married and has children. He will never forget what he did but he has accepted it happened and put it behind him (learning from it in the process as well)

 

You made a mistake that night getting that drunk. You were almost raped. Your husband doesn't fully believe you. These are pretty big consequences of a bad decision that a lot of people make without anything happening. Learn from it (as you alreay have seemed to) and work towards putting it behind you. It could have ended so much worse.

[Thegameoflife]

I don't like this post. It straight up stinks. I have a trained eye, and this story is told three ways. When people write or describe a situation, the mind explains things differently depending on it being truth, lies, or made up. Very few people can make lies and bs come out as truth. This story had truth, lies, and parts have been re-written. I think the fact that it's told from a standpoint of " I made an innocent mistake", than from one of being victimized, reveals all.

[aliveagain]

Just my opinion here, you didn't tell him to F**k off when he walked with you after leaving the bar, 10 minutes is quite a long while to walk with a stranger. You followed him to the bush's when he told you to follow him, you didn't run when you saw him putting on a rubber and even pulled down your own pants and undergarment as you went down on all 4's because you intended to have sex with him. You had a change of mind and left him there as you stopped a cab. That makes the pulling off of your own pants more believable. This is why the police chose not to take action against the man, they believed you were a willing participant. Did you tell the police who the man was, do you know his identity? You walk with a strange man from the bar for 10 minutes and you don't see one cab, you run out of the bush's when the reality of what you were about to do hits you and there is a cab, how convenient. Take the polygraph if you want to make your husband feel safe, take it from a Betrayed Spouse who has felt unsafe.

Edited July 15, 2013 by aliveagain
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[Coolit]

In case you missed it, this obviously doesn't bode well for her with her husband. I suppose he is now a bitter betrayed partner? I for one know how he feels and and giving my opinion based on what it seems he is feeling now. He doesn't believe her. I'm telling her why he doesn't believe her. If that makes me bitter, so be it. And if you think this forum is full of bitter BS's, maybe its not the forum for you.

 

Just letting her know the truth. Some people really don't accept the fact that one can make poor decisions while drunk that they would never have done in a million years even normal drunk. There is a point. Also good job not quoting the rest of my comment which was "not all". This board is not just for betrayed spouses and I have every right to be here. I was just letting the OP know that there is a lot of bitterness here.

 

The story maybe a total lie. I could care less one way or the other. My answer is based on the OP telling the truth.

[aliveagain]

I tried to put in perspective the distance you walked in silence with this man from the bar. One mile is approx.12 city blocks, the average person on a casual stroll walks at about 3.3 miles(39.6 city blocks) in one hour so a 10 minute walk is about 17% of the distance a person would travel in an hour or a little over half a mile. Half a mile is 6 average city blocks. Lets assume you staggered and you only walked 4 average city blocks which is a little more than half the distance a sober woman would walk , that's still a long way to walk in silence with a strange man at 4 AM in the morning. This is why your husband has a problem with your story, he's sober and it doesn't make sense to him.

Edited July 15, 2013 by aliveagain
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[Thegameoflife]

OP, be glad your husband is with you, and stop dwelling on it. You made poor choices, and things happened. Move on, don't talk or think about it. If you feel guilt, carry it as a reminder of poor choices. Leave it alone, and be glad you didn't get thrown out.

[Coolit]

Never said you didn't have a right to be here. Just said maybe it isn't the forum for you if you want to come in here and insult people that are hurting because they have been betrayed. Its up to you, but if you want to insult those that have been screwed over, don't be surprised at the much deserved backlash that follows when it does happen.

 

Please let me know how I insulted you. I was merely pointing out that the perspective a lot of peopl give is one coming from bitterenss. Is that an insult? I never said they didn't have a right to be bitter. I'm sorry you took it personaly.

[waterwoman]

You were sexually assaulted when drunk. That is not cheating.