Should I end my relationship?

[Biscuit80]

I've been dating this girl for the past 4 months. She's a single mother with a great job working in the same office as me. We've had the most amazing time together and the most fantastic sex I've ever experienced. I've never met a girl like her. She really was everything I could've hoped for. That was until we went away on holiday together for a week in late June. Basically, the first night was as perfect as it could've been. A stunning hotel, champagne reception, luxury sea view room, not a cloud in the sky, wonderful food and drink, and, to end the night, what we both agreed was amazing sex. However, within 24 hours, the unthinkable happened and the bubble burst almost within the blink of an eye.

 

We fell asleep that night and woke the next day around midday. It was almost immediately obvious that there was something wrong with my g/f. I tried to pretend everything was okay. However, as the day wore on it became increasingly obvious that she was pulling away from me, becoming more distant and very quiet. Never before had this happened and I truly had no idea what was wrong. I considered my options and waited until the evening to discuss the problem. We returned to the room and she immediately stuck her head in a book, clearly trying to avoid talking or interacting in any way. We were in a a room with two large single beds that had been pushed together. On the first night we'd obviously shared a bed. However, that night - and all the nights after that - she slept in a separate bed. I lay there for a while and considered what to say. I asked her whether there was a problem. She said that she missed her daughter desperately and was also confused and wanted to take things more slowly. I, obviously, was rather confused, although I completely understood her missing her daughter.

 

Just to clarify, up until this point, it had been she who had dictated the pace of the relationship. I am not a pushy guy and she seemed to like that. However, she all of a sudden want to slow things down? Why? Why now? She had also told me on various occasions "not to break her heart", that she was "falling for me" and "not to drop her" whilst also uttering that she loved me one drunken, emotional evening.

 

So, we spent the rest of the holiday drifting further and further apart. I was analysing her every move and word. She just seemed to get on with the holiday and had clearly taken a massive step back. She also stopped telling me that she loved me.

 

Since then she has told me that she'd missed her daughter, that she had a lot on her plate and that she just wanted to take things slow. We've not had sex in over three weeks. That's not taking it slow. That's celibacy. Anyway, she still texts me everyday, now and then saying the loveliest things. But we don't meet up as often and she seems distant, distracted and certainly less affectionate than she ever was before.

 

She told me on holiday that I "didn't know the half of it." I know for a fact that I've not caused this to go sour. Something happened on the second day of our holiday. Something clicked in her head, but I simply have no idea what it might be. I've tried talking to her but she seems reluctant to discuss the situation at length. I've given her plenty of chances to leave me but she stays. She's taken her foot off the gas but she clearly still wants me in her life. I'm just so confused.

 

Can anyone enlighten me as to what might have happened? How could something so amazing go so wrong without any reason or negative input from myself? What is wrong with her? Why has she become so distant? Why is she now "not comfortable with me" in the bedroom whereas before she was like a rampant rabbit?!? PLEASE HELP!!!

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I've been dating this girl for the past 4 months. She's a single mother with a great job working in the same office as me. We've had the most amazing time together and the most fantastic sex I've ever experienced. I've never met a girl like her. She really was everything I could've hoped for. That was until we went away on holiday together for a week in late June. Basically, the first night was as perfect as it could've been. A stunning hotel, champagne reception, luxury sea view room, not a cloud in the sky, wonderful food and drink, and, to end the night, what we both agreed was amazing sex. However, within 24 hours, the unthinkable happened and the bubble burst almost within the blink of an eye.

 

We fell asleep that night and woke the next day around midday. It was almost immediately obvious that there was something wrong with my g/f. I tried to pretend everything was okay. However, as the day wore on it became increasingly obvious that she was pulling away from me, becoming more distant and very quiet. Never before had this happened and I truly had no idea what was wrong. I considered my options and waited until the evening to discuss the problem. We returned to the room and she immediately stuck her head in a book, clearly trying to avoid talking or interacting in any way. We were in a a room with two large single beds that had been pushed together. On the first night we'd obviously shared a bed. However, that night - and all the nights after that - she slept in a separate bed. I lay there for a while and considered what to say. I asked her whether there was a problem. She said that she missed her daughter desperately and was also confused and wanted to take things more slowly. I, obviously, was rather confused, although I completely understood her missing her daughter.

 

Just to clarify, up until this point, it had been she who had dictated the pace of the relationship. I am not a pushy guy and she seemed to like that. However, she all of a sudden want to slow things down? Why? Why now? She had also told me on various occasions "not to break her heart", that she was "falling for me" and "not to drop her" whilst also uttering that she loved me one drunken, emotional evening.

 

So, we spent the rest of the holiday drifting further and further apart. I was analysing her every move and word. She just seemed to get on with the holiday and had clearly taken a massive step back. She also stopped telling me that she loved me.

 

Since then she has told me that she'd missed her daughter, that she had a lot on her plate and that she just wanted to take things slow. We've not had sex in over three weeks. That's not taking it slow. That's celibacy. Anyway, she still texts me everyday, now and then saying the loveliest things. But we don't meet up as often and she seems distant, distracted and certainly less affectionate than she ever was before.

 

She told me on holiday that I "didn't know the half of it." I know for a fact that I've not caused this to go sour. Something happened on the second day of our holiday. Something clicked in her head, but I simply have no idea what it might be. I've tried talking to her but she seems reluctant to discuss the situation at length. I've given her plenty of chances to leave me but she stays. She's taken her foot off the gas but she clearly still wants me in her life. I'm just so confused.

 

Can anyone enlighten me as to what might have happened? How could something so amazing go so wrong without any reason or negative input from myself? What is wrong with her? Why has she become so distant? Why is she now "not comfortable with me" in the bedroom whereas before she was like a rampant rabbit?!? PLEASE HELP!!!

 

Based on what you wrote here...

It's possible that she realizes while she likes you she doesn't love you so continuing down the path of creating a relationship would be bad? This doesn't feel like the answer.

 

Is she really single? -the "you don't know the half of it" has me puzzled.

 

Was she sexually abused? This feels more like it. So awesome sex makes her confused? Or maybe self sabotage?

 

You didn't ask for advice on how to handle it, but I am going to give it to you. This type of weird communication style does not resolve itself magically. I think you need to tell her that her behavior is confusing and upsetting and that you care for her and want to be together but her pulling away without discussing it can only be construed ONE way. That she doesn't want the relationship. Tell her to let you know when she is ready for a real relationship, and if you are single you can give it another shot.

 

Then go dark. Seriously. Move on.

[soccerrprp]

I agree with It-is.

 

You need to tell her that you are concerned and that an open conversation needs to happen or you need to move on. Tell her that you are prepared to be supportive with whatever she is going through, but you need to know what is going on.

 

There's no sense in asking what is wrong with her. You know her, no one on LS does. We don't know the answer, but you have access to her. Go find out.

 

This is not fair to you.

[Biscuit80]

Based on what you wrote here...

It's possible that she realizes while she likes you she doesn't love you so continuing down the path of creating a relationship would be bad? This doesn't feel like the answer.

 

Is she really single? -the "you don't know the half of it" has me puzzled.

 

Was she sexually abused? This feels more like it. So awesome sex makes her confused? Or maybe self sabotage?

 

You didn't ask for advice on how to handle it, but I am going to give it to you. This type of weird communication style does not resolve itself magically. I think you need to tell her that her behavior is confusing and upsetting and that you care for her and want to be together but her pulling away without discussing it can only be construed ONE way. That she doesn't want the relationship. Tell her to let you know when she is ready for a real relationship, and if you are single you can give it another shot.

 

Then go dark. Seriously. Move on.

 

Yes, she's definitely single. I've met her parents and we used to spend a hell of a lot of time together. She has a daughter so there's no way she'd compromise her with a dual relationship. What I think she meant is that I don't know the half of what she's been through. I think she's been badly burned in the past. Badly hurt and let down.

 

It's interesting that you should ask whether she's been sexually abused because I've considered this myself. There's something she's not telling me. Perhaps she told her ex and that's why he scarpered because she's sometimes mentioned how he was very "judgemental". She also said recently that we need to take it slow and get to know one another. What is there that I don't know about her?

 

If it is something to do with sex then I'd find that odd as we've been sleeping together for four months now and it was only in the last three weeks that its died down, for whatever reason. She said she no longer feels comfortable in bed with me. Why would that be when I've not changed?

 

We do need to talk about what's going on in her head because it's causing us both so much pain and heartache. I can't take it much longer. I just need to know either way. I want to make this work, but unfortunately the ball's in her court now...

[Biscuit80]

I agree with It-is.

 

You need to tell her that you are concerned and that an open conversation needs to happen or you need to move on. Tell her that you are prepared to be supportive with whatever she is going through, but you need to know what is going on.

 

There's no sense in asking what is wrong with her. You know her, no one on LS does. We don't know the answer, but you have access to her. Go find out.

 

This is not fair to you.

 

So, you think that there's something she's not telling me then?

[sdraw108]

We do need to talk about what's going on in her head because it's causing us both so much pain and heartache. I can't take it much longer. I just need to know either way. I want to make this work, but unfortunately the ball's in her court now...

 

Re-read the parts you wrote that I bolded. See how they contradict one another?

 

You need to initiate the talk, and soon. There's no point prolonging it. You have the right to know why she's giving you the cold shoulder. Being insistent doesn't equate to being insensitive. As someone above me said, you can make it clear that you will be supportive of whatever it is, but that you feel like you're being pushed away and you need to know what the problem is.

[StayBeautiful]

You've got two threads running on this - the other one is a few pages longer.

[hoping2heal]

Oh boy,

 

Well, if I had to guess..I would say she is freaking out over her intense feelings for you. Waiting for the other shoe to drop..so to speak. She's already implored you not to leave her, not to hurt her...sounds like abandonment issues which by default bring in trust issues. She might be self-sabotaging, she might be trying to "gain control" which is probably the real deal. I think immersing herself in you in such a wonderful way probably scared the ***** out of her; which of course is nothing you have done wrong.

 

So what to do..what to do...

 

Well, I think you need to confront her about all of this. Instead of playing along like this is "normal", you need to bring the issues to a head. Not in an aggressive way but how do you feel about her? Could this be long-term to you? You seem to really fancy her but then again when you equated 3 weeks without sex to celibacy, I wondered too if this was more about sex than anything else for you right now. I think what this woman is looking for is a long-term, serious commitment. She might be trying to determine if that's what you can offer her too.

[therhythm]

Oh boy,

 

Well, if I had to guess..I would say she is freaking out over her intense feelings for you. Waiting for the other shoe to drop..so to speak. She's already implored you not to leave her, not to hurt her...sounds like abandonment issues which by default bring in trust issues. She might be self-sabotaging, she might be trying to "gain control" which is probably the real deal. I think immersing herself in you in such a wonderful way probably scared the ***** out of her; which of course is nothing you have done wrong.

 

So what to do..what to do...

 

Well, I think you need to confront her about all of this. Instead of playing along like this is "normal", you need to bring the issues to a head. Not in an aggressive way but how do you feel about her? Could this be long-term to you? You seem to really fancy her but then again when you equated 3 weeks without sex to celibacy, I wondered too if this was more about sex than anything else for you right now. I think what this woman is looking for is a long-term, serious commitment. She might be trying to determine if that's what you can offer her too.

 

I would also go for this approach. Confront her and see what comes from it. It seems that you guys have a lot of chemistry and things in common... just fight a bit more for it

[sdraw108]

You seem to really fancy her but then again when you equated 3 weeks without sex to celibacy, I wondered too if this was more about sex than anything else for you right now.

 

I didn't interpret it that way. I took it mean that he thinks its weird to go from amazing, to no sex for 3 weeks. Not that he's only thinking of sex and he's upset he's not getting it.

[Biscuit80]

This is a typical response from a girl that has an unresolved past. They build up walls and push you away. If you decide to stay and continue the relationship, you will have to help her work through the issues that are there, or you can walk away. It would be difficult and emotionally taxing but it sounds like she might be worth sticking around and working through it. The end result could be winning her trust and a wonderful relationship.

 

Believe me, if she'd let me in I would love to help her out with whatever's causing her these problems. But she has to open up to me.

[Biscuit80]

Oh boy,

 

Well, if I had to guess..I would say she is freaking out over her intense feelings for you. Waiting for the other shoe to drop..so to speak. She's already implored you not to leave her, not to hurt her...sounds like abandonment issues which by default bring in trust issues. She might be self-sabotaging, she might be trying to "gain control" which is probably the real deal. I think immersing herself in you in such a wonderful way probably scared the ***** out of her; which of course is nothing you have done wrong.

 

So what to do..what to do...

 

Well, I think you need to confront her about all of this. Instead of playing along like this is "normal", you need to bring the issues to a head. Not in an aggressive way but how do you feel about her? Could this be long-term to you? You seem to really fancy her but then again when you equated 3 weeks without sex to celibacy, I wondered too if this was more about sex than anything else for you right now. I think what this woman is looking for is a long-term, serious commitment. She might be trying to determine if that's what you can offer her too.

 

I have never felt this way about anyone before. Seriously. I want this to be a long-term thing which is why it's effected me so badly - the chance that I may be losing her. It's not about the sex. What I meant here is that we've gone from having sex each and every time we met to rarely meeting, and the one time we could've had sex, she wrapped up in all her pj's. I'm ready to commit to a long-term relationship. I want to be with her. Badly.

[Biscuit80]

I would also go for this approach. Confront her and see what comes from it. It seems that you guys have a lot of chemistry and things in common... just fight a bit more for it

 

I really want to. I just hope it's not too late or that there's someone else on the scene...

[pteromom]

I have never felt this way about anyone before. Seriously. I want this to be a long-term thing which is why it's effected me so badly - the chance that I may be losing her. It's not about the sex. What I meant here is that we've gone from having sex each and every time we met to rarely meeting, and the one time we could've had sex, she wrapped up in all her pj's. I'm ready to commit to a long-term relationship. I want to be with her. Badly.

 

So you say "On the second day of our trip, you quit being affectionate to me, and it hasn't come back since. I am left here speculating - is it me? Did I do something that offended you? Is there something going on in your life I don't know about? I need you to be able to talk to me and trust me."

 

See what she says. If she denies it or clams up, tell her you are going to have to take a step back to protect yourself because this hurts too much. But if she decides she wants to talk to you, she knows where to find you.

[Biscuit80]

I didn't interpret it that way. I took it mean that he thinks its weird to go from amazing, to no sex for 3 weeks. Not that he's only thinking of sex and he's upset he's not getting it.

 

Yep, this is spot on.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I know you have received feedback on your other thread to wait it out. I guess I disagree.

 

I think that there is something wrong, and that you have to figure it out with her, cause she appears to be using weird coping skills here.

 

Again, I tend to lack patience (go figure) plus I don't know if I could just wait to see if it gets worse.

 

Now...lets do worse case scenario on what her big secret is (that she doesnt want work people to know)and if its a deal breaker for you...

She a spy, in the mob, in witness protection

She's been molested, raped (other traumatic event)

She used to be a (insert drug dealer, stripper, call girl)

She is an addict, and in AA

She's got some terminal or serous illness

She has a criminal past.

 

She keeps referring to all the stuff in her life, what kind of stuff? I mean, being a single mom is hard, but not feeling like that's it...

 

Maybe there is something of a finer point that happened while you were on vaca, but sounds like she got scared. But why... And why is she making decisions for you about what you can handle?

 

I think that telling her that her behavior is confusing you is completely fair. Telling her that she is giving you conflicting words and actions, is fair.

Telling her that you care about her and want to be with her but that she is pulling back so far you can't help but feel she has changed her mind and friend zoning you.

[hoping2heal]

I have never felt this way about anyone before. Seriously. I want this to be a long-term thing which is why it's effected me so badly - the chance that I may be losing her. It's not about the sex. What I meant here is that we've gone from having sex each and every time we met to rarely meeting, and the one time we could've had sex, she wrapped up in all her pj's. I'm ready to commit to a long-term relationship. I want to be with her. Badly.

 

So then get your boot scootin' patoot over there and tell her that!! She needs these re-assurances from you. She needs to know how you feel and then you'll know how she really feels. If she's pulling back out of fear and you're just dropping the ball guess what? She'll figure you don't care and go her own way. You don't want that so tell her! At worst you'll find out she's seeing someone else or wants to; but at least you'll know. At best you two will start your foundation.

[Axee]

The answer is simple. I have been in this girl's shoes..

 

I was always the pursuer and pursued this guy and told him I love him etc etc.. The guy was a bit easy going guy. Finally one day we decided ( rather I decided to take a small vacation together)..

And that day I realised I do not love him at all and everything was lure of the chase.. I just wanted to get away from him the next asap.

 

Anyway long story short, he in fact did never love me.. but bottom line is same she got what she wanted and now she has lost interest.. This is immature behaviour I will never do it now...

[Phantom888]

I have dated a couple of women who have very low self-esteem, in the sense that when things get VERY GOOD, they purposely destroy the relationship by withdrawing and acting cold. Seriously... they actually don't believe they deserve love and happiness. They would try to break up with me for no reason! This is due to deep childhood trauma, and you really don't know until you get to know them. If you can open her up and make her trust you, she is yours forever. If not, she will never let you in.

[ChessPieceFace]

Single moms are single for a reason.

 

We can't read her mind any more than you can. But I guarantee that crazy is residing in there somewhere.

[LaFemmeBrille]

It hurts, Biscuit, it really does. I'd be over the moon if my man was treating me the way you treat your gf. Sorry, guy.