Anxiety Pushed Her Away - Can I Get Her Back?

[James9912]

Hello,

 

I am coming to realize that essentially my anxiety was the root cause of many things. I never treated her wrong or badly but I suppressed those feelings for too long and now it is two late.

 

We had been together for 2.5 years and I am realizing now what pushed her away was my anxiety problems.

 

We have had NC for 2 weeks now and I am trying my hardest to deal with this and work on my things. Is there a time I should reach out to her for something casual and just relax and talk about some of these things with her?

 

I know she is the one and love her very much and want the opportunity to be back together without my anxiety getting in the way and I am much more comfortable with it now than I was.

 

I want to show and let her know that I am working on these things as when she left she let me know she just wanted her space and figure some things on her own. She genuinely told me too that she was scared of this move and was at tears but felt it was something that had to be done and maybe down the road if things fall where they may we could re-unite.

 

I just want to let her know about all of these things and move on, hopefully together but if not just keep working on myself a bit.

 

When, if should I reach out? She still genuinely cares for me.

[soccerrprp]

How do you know it was your anxiety that pushed her away? She said that?

 

Whose idea was it to go NC? If you NEED to tell her, then do it. Just be prepared for rejection, no reaction. People will tell you otherwise, but you do what YOU feel is needed. Some people may give you BS NC rules and reasons, but it sounds like you know what you want to do, so go for it.

 

Your attitude seems healthy enough, if true. If you KNOW she still cares for you, again, do it. You don't need advice. You tell her ASAP so that you can move on with or w/o her.

Edited July 15, 2013 by soccerrprp

[James9912]

Not something that was specifically said per say, but definitely something that was talked about.

 

I know right now she is just enjoying being "free" so to speak but also don't want to wait to long to let these feelings be known.

 

We both are in agreeance that we are eachother's best friends but since I love and respect her wanted to give her some space. It has been two weeks of straight NC but feel like I need to say these things.

 

It may be too early, but at the end of the day I feel what do I have to lose if she really is over me??

 

Idk. Feeling good, and being me again but just would like to tell her in person.

[James9912]

Just want to get more opinions to call her or text and be straight up honest how I feel.

 

She wanted her space but it has been a few weeks and for people that do care about eachother I don't see a whole lot of harm in that.

 

But i don't want to pressure her either....

[happydate]

Hello,

 

I am coming to realize that essentially my anxiety was the root cause of many things. I never treated her wrong or badly but I suppressed those feelings for too long and now it is two late.

 

We had been together for 2.5 years and I am realizing now what pushed her away was my anxiety problems.

 

We have had NC for 2 weeks now and I am trying my hardest to deal with this and work on my things. Is there a time I should reach out to her for something casual and just relax and talk about some of these things with her?

 

I know she is the one and love her very much and want the opportunity to be back together without my anxiety getting in the way and I am much more comfortable with it now than I was.

 

I want to show and let her know that I am working on these things as when she left she let me know she just wanted her space and figure some things on her own. She genuinely told me too that she was scared of this move and was at tears but felt it was something that had to be done and maybe down the road if things fall where they may we could re-unite.

 

I just want to let her know about all of these things and move on, hopefully together but if not just keep working on myself a bit.

 

When, if should I reach out? She still genuinely cares for me.

 

My question to you is this.

 

Are you less anxious and happy when you are alone before you met her and when you did, your anxiety grew and became less happy during 2.5 yrs with her?

[James9912]

I am less anxious and happy now due to things independent of her.

 

I want to bring that person and let her know before its too late. I know the saying, set love free it will come back etc...

 

Buut knowing her, the NC would most likely be in her benfit to get used to life without me and help her move on more than anything.

 

Honestly, I feel very content but just want her to know a few things and show a different side of me and let her know...

 

Not sure if the, shut of all contact thing will be best in my situation, only ruin chances down the road but at the same time do not want to pressure her.

[Simon Phoenix]

If you've already told her how you feel -- in that you want to get back with her -- then do not contact. She knows how you stand. And everyone feels that NC doesn't apply to their situation and that it will drive the ex away. But guess what? The ex has already driven themselves away prior to the NC. And virtually everyone who contacts out of fear, like you want to do, f--ks it up. Two weeks is a drop in the bucket. Let her be and continue to get rid of the anxiety. Two months working on issues is a hell of a lot more effective than two weeks. Stop trying to cheat and cut corners.

[happydate]

I am less anxious and happy now due to things independent of her.

 

I want to bring that person and let her know before its too late. I know the saying, set love free it will come back etc...

 

Buut knowing her, the NC would most likely be in her benfit to get used to life without me and help her move on more than anything.

 

Honestly, I feel very content but just want her to know a few things and show a different side of me and let her know...

 

Not sure if the, shut of all contact thing will be best in my situation, only ruin chances down the road but at the same time do not want to pressure her.

 

My belief is that, anxiety is not what drove her away from you. I mean if it's truly anxiety, she would have sensed it during the first 3 to 6 months dating period and that if she would have helped and coached you through if she truly loves you. For example, if you have anxiety having sex with her because your wand is shorter and she's chubby. Yeah, that's a real anxiety that you may not perform and satisfy her sexually. Or you're a poor kisser and don't give much affection because you don't know how. Women who love you will help and coach you. Women who don't really love you would have dumped you long ago. Since you've lasted 2.5 yrs, this meant that your anxiety is not the cause. It is your incompatibility with her. She sensed it probably early on in the relationship, but was willing to work on it cause she sees that you are good to be controlled by her. You probably sensed it too, but I guess the sex and the companionship was worth your while so as a soldier, you toughed it out and be willing to be her slave. Seeing that you are in begging mode now seemed to suggest to me that she's got her claws deep into.

 

But incompatibility itself just wouldn't last long because you are using a lot of your energy to keep this relationship going. She's too. You are happier now because she's not around you anymore. Are you wanting to be tortured again mentally by her.

 

In my experience, the right woman will not promote stress and anxiety on you. She will help you relief the stress and anxiety if need be, through affection, kisses and sex coaching. And you do complement back to her when she's having a bad day. If seemed to be like it's a woman that needs a man complete her and you're now under her spell still.

 

Good luck.

[James9912]

The main matter is I kept a large amount of this anxiety internally (and hid it, tried to be macho) for a long time and then near the end, i mean near the very end of our relationship I made it known what I was going through.

 

She seemed very positive about this and it helping but it seemed just too little to late at the time.

 

I want to let her know I am proactivly addressing this now and doing it for me rather than her, this may mean nothing to her but part of me feels I need to reach out to her before she is gone for good.

 

Maybe I give it another week I dont know, but I want to let her know a few more things I guess.

[James9912]

another thing was I did the long distance thing for a year, so it was easy to hide this anxiety as we did not see eachother very often.

 

Only on weekends

[Simon Phoenix]

The main matter is I kept a large amount of this anxiety internally (and hid it, tried to be macho) for a long time and then near the end, i mean near the very end of our relationship I made it known what I was going through.

 

She seemed very positive about this and it helping but it seemed just too little to late at the time.

 

I want to let her know I am proactivly addressing this now and doing it for me rather than her, this may mean nothing to her but part of me feels I need to reach out to her before she is gone for good.

 

Maybe I give it another week I dont know, but I want to let her know a few more things I guess.

 

Don't do it, at least not in a week. The worst way to show that you are getting over anxiety is to anxiously contact her. You need to chill and hang back.

[James9912]

I guess, that's the thing.

 

I feel good and less anxious and want to confidently explain that too her. I just dont want her to get too locked in with NC and have it easier for her to move on.

 

I should give it more time, but just don't want her using that time to just get farther and farther away.

 

May seem strange, but maybe she has similar feelings and is hoping for me to reach out....idk...

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess, that's the thing.

 

I feel good and less anxious and want to confidently explain that too her. I just dont want her to get too locked in with NC and have it easier for her to move on.

 

I should give it more time, but just don't want her using that time to just get farther and farther away.

 

May seem strange, but maybe she has similar feelings and is hoping for me to reach out....idk...

 

It doesn't work that way. She's not going to forget about you. You are thinking and wanting to react out of fear instead of confidence. She's going to pick up on that. And a confident person doesn't have to explain they are confident -- they naturally exude it. You aren't there yet dude.

[James9912]

Thanks Simon, I will give it more time. It has only been 2 weeks. As hard as it is I will just keep pressing forward...

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks Simon, I will give it more time. It has only been 2 weeks. As hard as it is I will just keep pressing forward...

 

Good, I would wait at least another month and keep working at it. It takes longer than two weeks to change one's outlook and for that change to take hold.

[happydate]

The main matter is I kept a large amount of this anxiety internally (and hid it, tried to be macho) for a long time and then near the end, i mean near the very end of our relationship I made it known what I was going through.

 

She seemed very positive about this and it helping but it seemed just too little to late at the time.

 

I want to let her know I am proactivly addressing this now and doing it for me rather than her, this may mean nothing to her but part of me feels I need to reach out to her before she is gone for good.

 

Maybe I give it another week I dont know, but I want to let her know a few more things I guess.

 

I am still really confused. First you said you are less anxious without her. Now, you seemed to indicate you are always anxious with or without her. Is this correct?

 

If you are always anxious without her presence or it seemed to be a problem with you in your life, this is something you need someone else like a therapist to help you. Your girlfriend is not a therapist. And besides, why would she be involved with you again when she can get other less problematic males? Remember that she has the vagina; the upper hand.

 

Here's the thing and it seemed you're not willing to answer my question and that is, is the anxiety with her caused because you always have to keep thinking of ways to make her happy? Make an effort to surprise and be new to her and that you're running out of ideas how to be a challenge to her? And that you're running out of ways to being a challenge to her? You're not following some sort of book or tips on how to be a challenge somewhere from a Beta male to Alpha? Just wondering..

Edited July 15, 2013 by happydate

[James9912]

I am less anxious because I am seeking help and tackling it head on. Yes, I have been to therapists and will continue to get their support.

 

I just need to keep moving forward to get back to the true person I am. I may be jumping the gun a bit and part of is probably is the anxiety.

 

My main fear, concern, what have you is that as more time goes by she will dig deeper into some of her friends from her hometown and use that as a "replacement" so to speak. The time will do me good to get my head together a bit and then when we meet up or I hope we do at least this will be a great opportunity to show the new me.

 

I'm not looking to pick up where we left up, but to start anew as we were when we first met.

 

I am taking every step possible to deal with this on my own and feel good again independently. As soon as I feel whole again I want to catch up and hopefully its not too late, and if she has someone else by then so what, I will just move on. I know I am a great guy but also know we were a good fit but certain things seemed to just get in the way at inopportune times. Being serious here, not just making stuff up.

[happydate]

I am less anxious because I am seeking help and tackling it head on. Yes, I have been to therapists and will continue to get their support.

 

I just need to keep moving forward to get back to the true person I am. I may be jumping the gun a bit and part of is probably is the anxiety.

 

My main fear, concern, what have you is that as more time goes by she will dig deeper into some of her friends from her hometown and use that as a "replacement" so to speak. The time will do me good to get my head together a bit and then when we meet up or I hope we do at least this will be a great opportunity to show the new me.

 

I'm not looking to pick up where we left up, but to start anew as we were when we first met.

 

I am taking every step possible to deal with this on my own and feel good again independently. As soon as I feel whole again I want to catch up and hopefully its not too late, and if she has someone else by then so what, I will just move on. I know I am a great guy but also know we were a good fit but certain things seemed to just get in the way at inopportune times. Being serious here, not just making stuff up.

 

I have a sense that you have a fear that you are not good enough to other girls except her. And probably that she was the most closest to you and the longest you have ever been in blissful connection? But you can't run your life like this; possessed by one girl when there are tons of girls on this planet equally worth your time. Is there a huge pressure coming from somewhere that you need to have a woman or you won't be acknowledged as a normal? Sometimes, people who have anxiety attacks come from the fact that their community expects no single guys and that the stress and pressure to conform to a family or community expectation of being with someone is a must. Thus placing undue pressure on you to do whatever it takes to hook up.

 

You need to understand that she does not want you now at the moment and it is completely okay to be single. If she truly loves and cares about you, she will wait till you work yourself out. You need to trust that. In the meantime, thinking about isn't going to help you deal with your anxiety, thus delaying your healing process. Work on yourself. If this girl passes by, there are other fish in the ocean to choose from.