Constantly worrying about infidelity for no good reason

[JWS3163]

I always worry about my girlfriend cheating. My anxiety/stress gets worse with each new relationship because each relationship ends similarly; the girl cheats or leaves me for someone else. Now I can barely trust the women I date.

 

I think it's just a string of bad luck. I don't think it's a character flaw or insecurities that cause this. I found the rotten apples in a barrel full of good ones.

 

But this has caused me to be a paranoid and obsessive worrywart. I don't let this show, of course, I seem calm and composed on the outside. But not inside.

 

What bothers me more than anything is the idea of your partner cheating on you and never finding out. Especially if it's more than once0. The idea of a long-term hidden infidelity horrifies me and makes me nauseous.

 

One thing to really understand here, I can deal with infidelity - break up with them and never see them again, move on. What I cannot deal with is the idea that infidelity could happen and I'd never find out. If my current GF cheated on me and I knew for a *fact* that she would tell me it happened right after, I would *never* worry about anything.

 

That is key here. It's not so much worrying about it happening, it's worrying about not knowing if it happens or continues to happen. It eats me up inside.

[Sabian]

It's good that you can deal with it once you know. If I loved a girl and found out she was cheating I would be devastated. I would let her go, but it would be far from easy.

 

I worry excessively about this too. I'm not sure if it's ever possible to completely get rid of it, but I think that if you find the right girl and realize that she really loves you that the fear will be minimal. Once a girlfriend of mine expressed herself and I truly understood how much she cared for me I knew that she would never cheat on me.

 

Unless the girls you're dating are the best actors in the world, you should hopefully be able to tell how much they care for you and that should settle some fears.

 

**I'm with you on the long term cheating thing. It terrifies me to think about being with a girl for many years only to find out she's been cheating. It's basically a waste of a hell of a lot of time that could be spent finding the right girl.**

[Eggplant]

Sorry your exes were losers. Pick well. Evaluate character.

[JWS3163]

I would rather a girl cheat on me than sit around like you 2 and stress out about it all the time. Not every girl cheats you guys are worrying for nothing.

Given my past it's hard to believe that. Only one girl out of 6 that I've dated has not ****ed me over. My last girlfriend left me because she "fell in love" with her best guy friend, who she was regularly hanging out with. She of course didn't break up with me for that reason, she lied and told me some BS; I had to snoop on her tumblr to find that out. Turned out she had been hanging out with him as much as she was with me, if not more, and she fell in love with him.

Edited July 15, 2013 by JWS3163

[Eggplant]

Throughout history, men have gone to great extremes to keep tabs on their wives. Women in many places and times were not allowed out of the house. In China for the last 1000 years they broke their feet so they wouldn't be too mobile.

[JWS3163]

Throughout history, men have gone to great extremes to keep tabs on their wives. Women in many places and times were not allowed out of the house. In China for the last 1000 years they broke their feet so they wouldn't be too mobile.

 

The thing is, I want a girl to have as much freedom as possible. If she's constantly in situations where cheating is easy, and she still doesn't do it, it means she's a keeper. Merely preventing them from the opportunity to cheat is pointless.

 

I make this same argument when it comes to having sex with a girl who's dating someone. She's already made the mental choice to cheat, it's not your fault at that point, and even if you denied her, she still was perfectly willing to cheat, which is just as bad as actually doing it.

[kassy]

How long were your last relationships? At what point did they cheat?

[JWS3163]

How long were your last relationships? At what point did they cheat?

Not very long. My longest was like a year with my first GF, but it was on and off constantly, plus we were only 15/14 so it wasn't serious at all.

 

Every other relationship was 3 months or less. One cheated after 2 months, another in 1, another in less than 1, and yet another in less than 1, and the last was less than 3, and it was basically over the course of the entire relationship; "emotional infidelity" is how I would describe it.

[kassy]

To me there are different types of cheating. 1 is a bad choice of person and the other is when people are in a long relationship and things hit a rough patch for whatever reason.

 

1 month... I mean that's the start of a relationship...they should be crazy about you then not thinking of other guys. So sounds like you choose badly.

 

Did you think they were good relationships in the short time before they cheated?

 

How do you meet these people? How old are you and them?

[sweetheart5381]

Interesting thread.

 

My daughter's father cheated on me throughout our 5 yr relationship. I only found out after the relationship ended and the girl he was screwing behind my back told me about the affair - because he was having an affair behind her back as well. Karma's a bitch. I had always thought he was, I knew in my heart that he was screwing around and I was correct. During the time we were together he abused me terribly, burned me with cigarettes, threw things at me, hit my children, threatened my life and then eventually attempted it.

 

Getting over that sort of betrayal takes time.

 

I honestly believe that not everyone screws around. There are a few, faithful, loyal ones out there. You gotta have faith.

[JWS3163]

Interesting thread.

 

My daughter's father cheated on me throughout our 5 yr relationship. I only found out after the relationship ended and the girl he was screwing behind my back told me about the affair - because he was having an affair behind her back as well. Karma's a bitch. I had always thought he was, I knew in my heart that he was screwing around and I was correct. During the time we were together he abused me terribly, burned me with cigarettes, threw things at me, hit my children, threatened my life and then eventually attempted it.

 

Getting over that sort of betrayal takes time.

 

I honestly believe that not everyone screws around. There are a few, faithful, loyal ones out there. You gotta have faith.

 

Yeah I guess so. I'm not even worried about her being faithful, i'm worried about her not telling me.

 

Anyway, that really sucks though. I don't know if I could get over something like that. :/

[JWS3163]

To me there are different types of cheating. 1 is a bad choice of person and the other is when people are in a long relationship and things hit a rough patch for whatever reason.

 

1 month... I mean that's the start of a relationship...they should be crazy about you then not thinking of other guys. So sounds like you choose badly.

 

Did you think they were good relationships in the short time before they cheated?

 

How do you meet these people? How old are you and them?

Yep. It's hard to imagine why they did that.

 

And no, most of them weren't, actually...However the last one I had was fairly good, yet that **** still happened. But the relationship I'm in now is by far the best I've ever been in.

 

Also, I met them in various ways, but I met most of them online, IDK if that means anything. Also I'm 21.

[USMCHokie]

One of my previous job assignments instilled this constant irrational fear and paranoia in me.

Edited July 15, 2013 by USMCHokie

[kassy]

Well I'd say, you're young, they are young and all still working out who you are. If the relationship isn't really exciting and amazing at the beginning then I'd say you are best to move on.

 

When I say amazing and exciting, I mean more about the getting to know each other being so rather than over the top dates etc

 

I'm pretty sure I'm not unique in that a lot of people are ok to me, but only a few really excite me. I think maybe don't settle for ok and wait for great. If you feel it and think they do too then it's less likely they are even noticing other men

[sweetheart5381]

Yeah I guess so. I'm not even worried about her being faithful, i'm worried about her not telling me.

 

Anyway, that really sucks though. I don't know if I could get over something like that. :/

 

It takes time. Took me several yrs to even attempt dating again. Only recently have I been able to attempt a real relationship. Still working on the trust stuff and thankfully my man is understanding.

 

Sometimes we get screwed over. Can't let the fear dictate the current relationship. You may never know and that's just life. You cannot control what others do, only your own actions.

[SammySammy]

I understand how you feel. Trust me, I've been there.

 

A while back, I came across something very interesting that helped me tremendously. From what I understand, many religions - Buddhism, for example - have a belief that attachment causes pain.

“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.”

~Dalai Lama

 

What I gather from that is in order to have peace in our lives we have to learn separate ourselves from things. The meaning we place on things ... even the things other people may or may not do.

 

When it comes to women, I've learned to detach myself from their actions. If she cheats, that's a reflection of her and not something she has done to me.

 

I've learned to let go of the "ownership" of a woman I'm in a relationship with. Letting go of the idea of "my" woman. My girlfriend. My fiancee. My wife. Instead I view her as someone I enjoy spending time with and enjoy being in a relationship with, but she is her own person. Her thoughts and actions are hers and hers alone. Not mine. I can totally love her, respect her, trust her and appreciate her while letting her be wholly herself and responsible for her own decisions.

 

Letting go has brought peace to my life. Remove that cloud of fear and worry from over your head and her head and it may allow you both to relax and relate in a much more natural way.

 

Let go, young man. Let go of the meaning you apply to cheating. Let go of the fear. Let go of the worry. Let go of the distrust. I believe that will help you peace of mind and your relationships greatly.

 

Give the woman a chance to be faithful because, right now, your fear and anxiety is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Let go ....

 

Zen - Attachment

[sweetheart5381]

I understand how you feel. Trust me, I've been there.

 

A while back, I came across something very interesting that helped me tremendously. From what I understand, many religions - Buddhism, for example - have a belief that attachment causes pain.

“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.”

~Dalai Lama

 

What I gather from that is in order to have peace in our lives we have to learn separate ourselves from things. The meaning we place on things ... even the things other people may or may not do.

 

When it comes to women, I've learned to detach myself from their actions. If she cheats, that's a reflection of her and not something she has done to me.

 

I've learned to let go of the "ownership" of a woman I'm in a relationship with. Letting go of the idea of "my" woman. My girlfriend. My fiancee. My wife. Instead I view her as someone I enjoy spending time with and enjoy being in a relationship with, but she is her own person. Her thoughts and actions are hers and hers alone. Not mine. I can totally love her, respect her, trust her and appreciate her while letting her be wholly herself and responsible for her own decisions.

 

Letting go has brought peace to my life. Remove that cloud of fear and worry from over your head and her head and it may allow you both to relax and relate in a much more natural way.

 

Let go, young man. Let go of the meaning you apply to cheating. Let go of the fear. Let go of the worry. Let go of the distrust. I believe that will help you peace of mind and your relationships greatly.

 

Give the woman a chance to be faithful because, right now, your fear and anxiety is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Let go ....

 

Zen - Attachment

 

Excellent post. So very true.

[Rebellious]

I always worry about my girlfriend cheating. My anxiety/stress gets worse with each new relationship because each relationship ends similarly; the girl cheats or leaves me for someone else. Now I can barely trust the women I date.

 

I think it's just a string of bad luck. I don't think it's a character flaw or insecurities that cause this. I found the rotten apples in a barrel full of good ones.

 

But this has caused me to be a paranoid and obsessive worrywart. I don't let this show, of course, I seem calm and composed on the outside. But not inside.

 

What bothers me more than anything is the idea of your partner cheating on you and never finding out. Especially if it's more than once0. The idea of a long-term hidden infidelity horrifies me and makes me nauseous.

 

One thing to really understand here, I can deal with infidelity - break up with them and never see them again, move on. What I cannot deal with is the idea that infidelity could happen and I'd never find out. If my current GF cheated on me and I knew for a *fact* that she would tell me it happened right after, I would *never* worry about anything.

 

That is key here. It's not so much worrying about it happening, it's worrying about not knowing if it happens or continues to happen. It eats me up inside.

 

 

I think you worry about the wrong things. Most girls don't cheat. Have you thought of the reasons why you seem to be attracting sluts?

[soccerrprp]

Given my past it's hard to believe that. Only one girl out of 6 that I've dated has not ****ed me over. My last girlfriend left me because she "fell in love" with her best guy friend, who she was regularly hanging out with. She of course didn't break up with me for that reason, she lied and told me some BS; I had to snoop on her tumblr to find that out. Turned out she had been hanging out with him as much as she was with me, if not more, and she fell in love with him.

 

JWS,

 

You're the common denominator in all of these relationships. It can't be so simple as every one of these girls having the propensity to cheat. Have you done a self-evaluation, any evaluation of the past relationships? Of course, it's not excuse for their behavior, but perhaps you should look deeper into why so many are cheating on you.

 

Good luck.

[SoleMate]

A few thoughts:

 

1) You may want to consider being evaluated for anxiety

 

2) You may want to reconsider your definition of cheating.

 

Only one girl out of 6 that I've dated has not ****ed me over. My last girlfriend left me because she "fell in love" with her best guy friend, who she was regularly hanging out with. She of course didn't break up with me for that reason, she lied and told me some BS; I had to snoop on her tumblr to find that out. Turned out she had been hanging out with him as much as she was with me, if not more, and she fell in love with him.

This isn't classic cheating, unless they were having a love and/or sexual affair behind your back, contrary to your agreement not to do so. Maybe they just were platonic friends, and your gf started developing feelings and then broke up with you. It has me wondering...is there any way for a woman to exit a r/s with you that would not constitute cheating?

 

3) You may indeed be the common factor in these occurrences. 6 out of 6 is definitely bad odds.

I think it's just a string of bad luck. I don't think it's a character flaw or insecurities that cause this. I found the rotten apples in a barrel full of good ones.

I wouldn't call it a character flaw; more like inability to tell a good apple from a rotten one. Were there any red flags early on? Did you exercise judgment or discretion in selecting gf or did you just take the path of least resistance? When you are grocery shopping, do you look each apple over carefully before putting it in your bag - sniffing, feeling, looking in bright light, reading labels, and seeking advice from savvier shoppers if need be - or do you just grab any available apple at random and toss it in your bag without thought, because you really, really need an apple?

[kaylan]

What ive learned is to not ignore your gut. Trust your instincts.

 

Ive been where you are, and I think that a girl you are meant to be with, is one who doesnt make you worry.

 

Thats just me

[RogerWallace111]

I agree that the idea of being cheated on but not knowing is significantly more unsettling than just the idea of infidelity itself. It's a matter of being helpless/in the dark on one hand and ultimately maintaining control on the other.

 

All I can say is what others have been- try to get a good sense of any new girls' character, and relax a bit.

[jphcbpa]

Sometimes we buy into the lie that one particular person, in this case a female, has all the love we will ever need. Love is two healthy people giving what they can, when they can. Two partners getting love inter dependently, coming together.

 

 

Stop acting like your exes live inside the women that you're pursuing/dating. THEY DON'T.These are completely new women, don't allow the past to control what's happening right now in front of you.

[JWS3163]

I think you worry about the wrong things. Most girls don't cheat. Have you thought of the reasons why you seem to be attracting sluts?

 

Most don't? I was under the impression that over 50% do. And well, I could honestly only call one of the girls in question a slut, the rest seemed fairly normal.

 

JWS,

 

You're the common denominator in all of these relationships. It can't be so simple as every one of these girls having the propensity to cheat. Have you done a self-evaluation, any evaluation of the past relationships? Of course, it's not excuse for their behavior, but perhaps you should look deeper into why so many are cheating on you.

 

Good luck.

 

Yeah. I constantly evaluate myself and my life. I found confused girls who didn't know what they wanted, pretty much every time. (not that it excuses their behavior),

 

 

 

A few thoughts:

 

1) You may want to consider being evaluated for anxiety

 

2) You may want to reconsider your definition of cheating.

 

 

This isn't classic cheating, unless they were having a love and/or sexual affair behind your back, contrary to your agreement not to do so. Maybe they just were platonic friends, and your gf started developing feelings and then broke up with you. It has me wondering...is there any way for a woman to exit a r/s with you that would not constitute cheating?

 

3) You may indeed be the common factor in these occurrences. 6 out of 6 is definitely bad odds. I wouldn't call it a character flaw; more like inability to tell a good apple from a rotten one. Were there any red flags early on? Did you exercise judgment or discretion in selecting gf or did you just take the path of least resistance? When you are grocery shopping, do you look each apple over carefully before putting it in your bag - sniffing, feeling, looking in bright light, reading labels, and seeking advice from savvier shoppers if need be - or do you just grab any available apple at random and toss it in your bag without thought, because you really, really need an apple?

 

I definitely have anxiety problems, but I refuse to take any medication.

 

I'd define cheating as the usual: 1st base and beyond. But I also would include emotional cheating, but that's a bit hard to define. I was only "emotionally cheated" on once though, fyi.

 

I just dated whoever I found attractive and whoever was interested in me. Now I do of course have character standards, to which I hold more important than physical attraction. I didn't try to find a good apple, I just took what I could. I still kind of do it. My current GF did meet my "character" standards for the most part, however.

 

 

 

 

What ive learned is to not ignore your gut. Trust your instincts.

 

Ive been where you are, and I think that a girl you are meant to be with, is one who doesnt make you worry.

 

Thats just me

 

 

Yeah, my gut feeling is almost always right. But sometimes I'm not entirely sure what my gut feeling actually is.

 

 

 

I agree that the idea of being cheated on but not knowing is significantly more unsettling than just the idea of infidelity itself. It's a matter of being helpless/in the dark on one hand and ultimately maintaining control on the other.

 

All I can say is what others have been- try to get a good sense of any new girls' character, and relax a bit.

 

Yeah, that's about all I can do.

 

 

 

Sometimes we buy into the lie that one particular person, in this case a female, has all the love we will ever need. Love is two healthy people giving what they can, when they can. Two partners getting love inter dependently, coming together.

 

 

Stop acting like your exes live inside the women that you're pursuing/dating. THEY DON'T.These are completely new women, don't allow the past to control what's happening right now in front of you.

 

I don't act like my GF is anything like my last GFs, I could tell from the start she was a keeper. I'm not projecting my past failures onto her, it's more just a general thought process i've acquired.