Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I've been dating this girl for the past 4 months. She's a single mother with a great job working in the same office as me. We've had the most amazing time together and the most fantastic sex I've ever experienced. I've never met a girl like her. She really was everything I could've hoped for. That was until we went away on holiday together for a week in late June. Basically, the first night was as perfect as it could've been. A stunning hotel, champagne reception, luxury sea view room, not a cloud in the sky, wonderful food and drink, and, to end the night, what we both agreed was amazing sex. However, within 24 hours, the unthinkable happened and the bubble burst almost within the blink of an eye. We fell asleep that night and woke the next day around midday. It was almost immediately obvious that there was something wrong with my g/f. I tried to pretend everything was okay. However, as the day wore on it became increasingly obvious that she was pulling away from me, becoming more distant and very quiet. Never before had this happened and I truly had no idea what was wrong. I considered my options and waited until the evening to discuss the problem. We returned to the room and she immediately stuck her head in a book, clearly trying to avoid talking or interacting in any way. We were in a a room with two large single beds that had been pushed together. On the first night we'd obviously shared a bed. However, that night - and all the nights after that - she slept in a separate bed. I lay there for a while and considered what to say. I asked her whether there was a problem. She said that she missed her daughter desperately and was also confused and wanted to take things more slowly. I, obviously, was rather confused, although I completely understood her missing her daughter. Just to clarify, up until this point, it had been she who had dictated the pace of the relationship. I am not a pushy guy and she seemed to like that. However, she all of a sudden want to slow things down? Why? Why now? She had also told me on various occasions "not to break her heart", that she was "falling for me" and "not to drop her" whilst also uttering that she loved me one drunken, emotional evening. So, we spent the rest of the holiday drifting further and further apart. I was analysing her every move and word. She just seemed to get on with the holiday and had clearly taken a massive step back. She also stopped telling me that she loved me. Since then she has told me that she'd missed her daughter, that she had a lot on her plate and that she just wanted to take things slow. We've not had sex in over three weeks. That's not taking it slow. That's celibacy. Anyway, she still texts me everyday, now and then saying the loveliest things. But we don't meet up as often and she seems distant, distracted and certainly less affectionate than she ever was before. She told me on holiday that I "didn't know the half of it." I know for a fact that I've not caused this to go sour. Something happened on the second day of our holiday. Something clicked in her head, but I simply have no idea what it might be. I've tried talking to her but she seems reluctant to discuss the situation at length. I've given her plenty of chances to leave me but she stays. She's taken her foot off the gas but she clearly still wants me in her life. I'm just so confused. Can anyone enlighten me as to what might have happened? How could something so amazing go so wrong without any reason or negative input from myself? What is wrong with her? Why has she become so distant? Why is she now "not comfortable with me" in the bedroom whereas before she was like a rampant rabbit?!? PLEASE HELP!!!
Eggplant Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 It was too close too fast, and she panicked. She needs space. Just let her have her space and see if she bounces back.
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 It was too close too fast, and she panicked. She needs space. Just let her have her space and see if she bounces back. Without meaning to be vulgar, we had sex every time we met prior to the holiday. Last night she stayed at my flat for the first time since we go back from our strange trip away (that was two weeks ago). Usually she'd jump into my bed wearing just her underwear. Instead, she wore her underwear and pajamas. A clear sign that all is not well. When she was in bed she clearly wasn't comfortable. I tried being affectionate but certainly didn't push for sex. That's not my style. However, she simply could not bring herself to touch me or even come particularly close to me. When I turned the light out she kissed me a few times, turned over and asked me to cuddle her. In the morning I asked her why she'd worn pajamas and whether she felt comfortable. She said she didn't feel comfortable but didn't know why...
nescafe1982 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 The first vacation is really a milestone, and a completely underrated one at that. I agree with Eggplant, it was probably too fast and she panicked. Vacations, roadtrips, and the like are hard on new relationships and sometimes even on friendships. You're with this person 24/7 with no escape, and around day 2 it usually becomes apparent that you will both have to compromise on plans, on food, on everything in order to stay together and not bicker. If she was feeling like she wanted space/privacy at that moment (and she poked her face into a book so it's likely she was craving privacy), it might have made her panicky to be "locked in" to a social situation. Try not to take it too personally (unless she tells you what happened and it was personal), but know that she probably just felt a need for privacy and felt smothered. It's probably nothing you did wrong; it was just too much intimacy for a young relationship. Hope that makes sense, and good luck.
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 The first vacation is really a milestone, and a completely underrated one at that. I agree with Eggplant, it was probably too fast and she panicked. Vacations, roadtrips, and the like are hard on new relationships and sometimes even on friendships. You're with this person 24/7 with no escape, and around day 2 it usually becomes apparent that you will both have to compromise on plans, on food, on everything in order to stay together and not bicker. If she was feeling like she wanted space/privacy at that moment (and she poked her face into a book so it's likely she was craving privacy), it might have made her panicky to be "locked in" to a social situation. Try not to take it too personally (unless she tells you what happened and it was personal), but know that she probably just felt a need for privacy and felt smothered. It's probably nothing you did wrong; it was just too much intimacy for a young relationship. Hope that makes sense, and good luck. So, what should I do? We're still together but I feel like crap every day. She's sending me so many mixed signals. Sometimes she seems to really care about me, other times she is just too busy with her own hectic life to fit me in. I'm not pushing her or crowding her. I only really text her when she texts me. I really don't know what more I can do. I guess it'll end soon and I'll be left heartbroken. Again.
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 And, BTW, we've never argued or fallen out. We've just become distant and she's clearly stressed. There's something on her mind but I just don't think she can bring herself to tell me.
New User Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 That early in the relationship.... I'd probably move on. Shot in the dark- how long has she been out of her last serious relationship and how long did it last before it ended? It sounds like she got involved with you before she was ready and she's having doubts. Either that or there's someone else. Either way, there are plenty of single women out there and I wouldn't just sit there until she decides to grow up and make a decision one way or another. Whatever happened, she is decidedly not handling it well. My first thought is "if you don't know what you're issue is, how can I." Handling emotional turmoil this poorly so early in the relationship is not an indicator of stability and not an indicator that she has her act together. It also suggests that you're going to have to deal with further emotional manipulation down the road.
SJC2008 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 How long was she with her ex? You probably hit her walls and she's pulling back.
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 That early in the relationship.... I'd probably move on. Shot in the dark- how long has she been out of her last serious relationship and how long did it last before it ended? It sounds like she got involved with you before she was ready and she's having doubts. Either that or there's someone else. Either way, there are plenty of single women out there and I wouldn't just sit there until she decides to grow up and make a decision one way or another. Whatever happened, she is decidedly not handling it well. My first thought is "if you don't know what you're issue is, how can I." Handling emotional turmoil this poorly so early in the relationship is not an indicator of stability and not an indicator that she has her act together. It also suggests that you're going to have to deal with further emotional manipulation down the road. I've tried not to pry into her past too much for fear of reigniting feelings. She split up with her ex in September last year. I don't know how long they were together. I started seeing her in March. So, that's a good amount of time. Why would she be besotted with me one day and then, 24 hours later, distance herself and feel confused?
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 How long was she with her ex? You probably hit her walls and she's pulling back. Hit her walls? I don't follow, sorry.
nescafe1982 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 At this stage, I would give her some space for a few days. Don't completely ignore her but allow her to think about whatever she is thinking about. It seems a little like she's processing.... it won't do you any good to try to figure out what she's processing just yet (there could be 1M different feelings she's responding to right now). But if she doesn't approach you to talk about this after a few days, you could gently tell her you've notice her pulling away and wonder if she would like to talk about it. But do it at a time when you guys are alone, not in public, and preferably doing something like washing dishes, or some other mundane task. Sometimes it's difficult for introverts to open up about their feeling, etc... and if you're engaged in some kind of activity while you ask her to open up, it might help. Finally, do this lovingly. The first time you have conflict with a new relationship is SO important for setting the tone for your conflict-style moving forward. YOu want to establish a health communication style to repeat down the road. Good luck!
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 My family and friends believe she's not telling me something. You see, we work together and she said today that she avoided dating people from work in the past because she didn't want people in work knowing about her life. On holiday she go emotional one night and told me that I "didn't know the half of it". Furthermore, prior to today she'd always told me that her ex dumped her because he couldn't cope with her having a daughter and was overly judgmental. Today she told me that it was actually HER who dumped HIM because she couldn't cope with a relationship and all the problems she has in her life. She does have a hell of a lot on her plate right now. But then she always has. So, I don't see why this would suddenly be an issue.
New User Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I've tried not to pry into her past too much for fear of reigniting feelings. She split up with her ex in September last year. I don't know how long they were together. I started seeing her in March. So, that's a good amount of time. Why would she be besotted with me one day and then, 24 hours later, distance herself and feel confused? Your looking for a logical explanation to an emotional issue- it just isn't there. There's a lot of factors that can go into her behavior (Mental illness, medication, post-partum issues depending on how old her kid is, and just simple emotional manipulation for no good reason) Personally, I have a low bs threshold and I doubt that I would think being with her was worth dealing with that kind of emotional manipulation- whether she's doing it intentionally or not, that's what it is. In my experience that kind of moodiness doesn't go away, it gets worse as the relationship progresses. Not trying to be harsh or anything, that's just how I see it.
SJC2008 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Hit her walls? I don't follow, sorry. Her defense walls. She probably started to develop strong feelings for you and is afraid to ge hurt. 1
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 At this stage, I would give her some space for a few days. Don't completely ignore her but allow her to think about whatever she is thinking about. It seems a little like she's processing.... it won't do you any good to try to figure out what she's processing just yet (there could be 1M different feelings she's responding to right now). But if she doesn't approach you to talk about this after a few days, you could gently tell her you've notice her pulling away and wonder if she would like to talk about it. But do it at a time when you guys are alone, not in public, and preferably doing something like washing dishes, or some other mundane task. Sometimes it's difficult for introverts to open up about their feeling, etc... and if you're engaged in some kind of activity while you ask her to open up, it might help. Finally, do this lovingly. The first time you have conflict with a new relationship is SO important for setting the tone for your conflict-style moving forward. YOu want to establish a health communication style to repeat down the road. Good luck! Thanks for the advice. We've actually spoken about the situation a few times already. Her answers never satisfy me, though. I find it very hard to understand how she can flip so quickly from being deeply in love with me to feeling distant like she does now. I've taken a step back. I've not be demanding of her time. She still suggests meeting up now and then. In fact we sometimes meet after work for a quick snog (childish, I know!), but I leave her to call the shots on that as I don't want to crowd her. 1
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Your looking for a logical explanation to an emotional issue- it just isn't there. There's a lot of factors that can go into her behavior (Mental illness, medication, post-partum issues depending on how old her kid is, and just simple emotional manipulation for no good reason) Personally, I have a low bs threshold and I doubt that I would think being with her was worth dealing with that kind of emotional manipulation- whether she's doing it intentionally or not, that's what it is. In my experience that kind of moodiness doesn't go away, it gets worse as the relationship progresses. Not trying to be harsh or anything, that's just how I see it. I know what you're saying, but she's really not a nasty, manipulative person. She's one of the nicest people I've met. We've actually know of one another for over a year now and have always got on well at work. But I see you point.
nescafe1982 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 She does have a hell of a lot on her plate right now. But then she always has. So, I don't see why this would suddenly be an issue. Perhaps because she's having strong feelings. I think she's afraid of getting hurt on top of everything else. If she a) had a problem letting intimacy happen before, and b) has a daughter and is not with her father (sorry for the presumption here) than c) she has likely been hurt before and equate intimacy with getting hurt. So that makes it more imperative that you give her space... but not too much. A couple days, etc, and then she needs to talk about it. It might be hard to talk about it, but it sounds like she will need to. The best gift you can give her if she is getting stronger feelings and is scared by them is reassurance. When you do discuss this issue, make sure you reassure her that you are not going to hurt her.
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Her defense walls. She probably started to develop strong feelings for you and is afraid to ge hurt. I think you might be right. But how do I get around this issue without pushing her away? Why would these walls make her feel uncomfortable and unable to be intimate with me?
nescafe1982 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Personally, I have a low bs threshold and I doubt that I would think being with her was worth dealing with that kind of emotional manipulation- whether she's doing it intentionally or not, that's what it is. Well hold on a minute. Her obviously struggling with something does not automatically equate to "emotional manipulation." There's a good chance, a very good chance, this sudden turn in her affect is not directed AT him, but is about her feelings for him. Indeed, I think "manipulation" implies intent; it also implies that her feelings are inauthentic. This situation does not have the makings of either assumption.
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Perhaps because she's having strong feelings. I think she's afraid of getting hurt on top of everything else. If she a) had a problem letting intimacy happen before, and b) has a daughter and is not with her father (sorry for the presumption here) than c) she has likely been hurt before and equate intimacy with getting hurt. So that makes it more imperative that you give her space... but not too much. A couple days, etc, and then she needs to talk about it. It might be hard to talk about it, but it sounds like she will need to. The best gift you can give her if she is getting stronger feelings and is scared by them is reassurance. When you do discuss this issue, make sure you reassure her that you are not going to hurt her. She definitely still wants to be around me as she keeps arranging to meet up, etc. I think she is scared of getting hurt, yes. Her daughter hasn't been in her life since she was born. She's definitely been hurt before, many times. But she knows I'm a nice guy. Her mother saw right through previous partners but told her that I'm a genuinely nice bloke. I've already given her nearly three weeks of space, albeit some of the time was spent on holiday and we see each other in the office pretty much every day. She's definitely become scared of the intimacy, which is made even more strange by the fact that prior to the holiday she was practically insatiable and incredibly affection. She literally couldn't get enough of my kisses, for example, whereas now the magic seems to have gone...
SJC2008 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I think you might be right. But how do I get around this issue without pushing her away? Why would these walls make her feel uncomfortable and unable to be intimate with me? She has to be willing to talk about it AND work past it. She has to want to be emitionally available. How to make that happen is beyond me. Easy, what would you do if you realized you started to get strong feelings for someone but didn't want to get hurt? 1
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Well hold on a minute. Her obviously struggling with something does not automatically equate to "emotional manipulation." There's a good chance, a very good chance, this sudden turn in her affect is not directed AT him, but is about her feelings for him. Indeed, I think "manipulation" implies intent; it also implies that her feelings are inauthentic. This situation does not have the makings of either assumption. I agree with you, nescafe1982. I'm not the issue. Something else is and she doesn't know how to deal with it. She can't tell me because she thinks I may not be able to handle it, run away and tell all her work colleagues. Which, BTW, I would never do.
nescafe1982 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 She has to be willing to talk about it AND work past it. She has to want to be emotionally available. This is key too. You can do you best, but in the end she also has to be willing to work through the issue. Unfortunately, she's the one who will have to do the "hard work" here... the most you can do is reassure her that she can trust you, and wait a little while.
New User Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Well hold on a minute. Her obviously struggling with something does not automatically equate to "emotional manipulation." There's a good chance, a very good chance, this sudden turn in her affect is not directed AT him, but is about her feelings for him. Indeed, I think "manipulation" implies intent; it also implies that her feelings are inauthentic. This situation does not have the makings of either assumption. We're just gonna have to disagree on that. Sulking, pulling away, and stating that she doesn't know what's wrong are stereotypical examples of emotional manipulation. As to intent- pulling away is not an unconscious motor reflex.
Author Biscuit80 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 This is key too. You can do you best, but in the end she also has to be willing to work through the issue. Unfortunately, she's the one who will have to do the "hard work" here... the most you can do is reassure her that she can trust you, and wait a little while. I saw her this weekend. She will be staying over on Thursday night. I don't we'll get intimate though, which concerns me. Not because I need sex - not at all - but because it's been an important and amazing part of our relationship so far. To be perfectly honest, I just want her to kiss and cuddle me like she did before. I want her to do these things with the love and affection she did before. How long should I wait? Should I text her less? Should I suggest a break?
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