blackrose3010 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Firstly, hello! This is my first post, and I'm grateful for any advice you can give me. Sit tight, this might be a long one! My bf and I are both in our mid 20s. We met six years ago in university. We were friends and had feelings for each other but didn't pursue a relationship until I moved away (about a five hours drive). We've currently been together for over a year. I work full time in the city I live in, and he goes to school full time where he lives. Neither of us can move at this time. It hasn't always been easy. The distance is a huge strain. But we love each other. From the moment I met him I had a sense that I had met "the one". That's a lot for me to say because I had never really been the kind of person to believe in that. He's a kind person and I've always had a lot of trust and respect for him. We had some communication issues at the end of December 2012. I was experiencing some mental health issues and he was understandably frustrated. He tried to talk to me about it but I wasn't able to change as fast as he believed I should and he broke up with me in January. I felt that he was having a major moment of weakness. He went from giving me a promise ring at Christmas, to breaking up with me just a couple short weeks later. I simply wasn't able to accept the break up. For weeks we continued to talk, and I pressured him to change his mind. He kept flip flopping - one moment he wanted to be with me and the next he didn't. I felt like he was breaking up with me over and over again. So obviously, I gave up. I couldn't take it anymore. Got rid of the ring, cut off all contact. Lo and behold, he changed his mind. He said he was under a lot of pressure at school and felt like he made a mistake. It was the last thing I was expecting. We got back together. Loved ones gave me "helpful" advice, such as: don't do X or he'll break up with you again. Not an awesome thing to have hanging over my head. For the first few months I literally just did everything to make him happy. It was all about doing whatever I could to keep him, because I was too scared to go through the break up again. But lately, I've been feeling so negative about our relationship. I feel like I pursued him too aggressively after the break up, and that he's only with me because I pressured him. I feel like he's lied to me... I mean, he went from being so sure that he wanted to be with me "forever" to telling me that he didn't see a future with me and that we weren't compatible. I replay those words in my head all the time and it's torture. We've talked about it and he says he loves me and wants to be with me. But I just can't get over the break up. I thought time would heal, but it's July and things aren't getting better. I'm getting paranoid about other aspects of our relationship now. I wonder how much I can actually trust him. I wonder if we're strong enough to last the next year or more before we can live in the same city. I think about how we don't have common friends or interests. Every single day when we talk I expect him to break up with me. It's such an enormous source of anxiety for me. I've told him and he says he isn't going to. But I heard it all before... and then he left me. I'm starting to feel like there's more bad than good here. But I love him. I want to be able to see the good again, I just don't know how. Is there any hope for us? What can we do? What can I do?
Excelsior30 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Hey Blackrose, it's a weird place to be. The problem I can see is that the power as shifted in his hands and you are now walking on eggs shelves to please him. The relationship should not be so unbalanced. For sure, the break mixed things up. I think that you need to sit down with him and have a chat about this whole situation. You'll probably get some more good advice but I would play the "let's be honest" card with him. Share your thoughts, no mind games will save the day here. And don't forget that sometimes, the vase will break and even if you put it back together, you'll keep seeing those small little cracks. Good luck. Love can be a b*tch sometimes.
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